I labeled myself a pickle a while ago because I didn't fit the "ideals" of most other transsexuals I have come across. I also labeled myself that because of the situation I am in. I'm a pickle because for me, FFS will be way more important than SRS. To me, becoming a woman means looking like one in societies eye. Since they cannot see what is between my legs, I must deal with what can be seen. I have some desire to deal with what is below, but that will be the icing on the cake for me. Not my main goal.
Three years ago I had my first failed transition attempt. I fell flat on my face. I am now more educated, wiser, and aware of the pitfalls.
The decision to try to transition is upon me again after realizing this is not going away, it is getting worse and the decision to transition is for one reason.
To stop the obsession.
Seriously it has worn me down. After two years of 4-5 hours of sleep per night, some nights with much less it has physically worn me down. I'm cranky, tired, I've turned into a huge butt head and I have done everything but face it head on. I have had this issue since I was 5 or 6 years old, but the last few years it has grown beyond anything I care to fight anymore.
I have a Gender Therapist in downtown Fort Worth by the name of Rita Cotterly. Funny enough she started out as a Nun. Over the last 20-30 years she has helped over 500 transsexuals transition. I feel confident she knows what she is doing. I have been seeing her for sometime. I started seeing her last year and stopped thinking I could just go on. Dumb...dumb..dumb. She knew I would be back, and back I came a year later begging for estrogen. Well I got my letter and she referred me to an OB/GYN.
Last week I visited my first Gyno
lol. Its a boy!!...not for much longer!! Yes, not an Endo, but an OB/GYN by the name of Robert Hardie. He has helped many TS (mtf and ftm) transition. I have to tell you, sitting in that waiting room was interesting. All the discomfort was mine because the staff was overly outstanding, understanding, and very caring and polite. His nurse was the same. Robert Hardie is a no nonsense type person and will ONLY SEE SOMEBODY THAT HAS A LETTER, so don't bother looking him up and try to make an appointment if you do not have a letter for HRT. I cannot discuss dosages but he wrote out 5 prescriptions. Two types of estrogen, progesterone which he firmly believes helps breast formation (he has documentation back to the 70's to prove it), a t-blocker, and a DHT blocker as well. They drew blood, gave me my scripts and sent me on my way. I know I was red faced being the only "guy" there knowing that there was no reason for a male to be present at a Gyno clinic without a wife who is pregnant (generally). I won't hesitate to go back. The staff has been well trained to deal with Transgendered.
Dr. Hardie told me at one time he thought Transsexuals were a joke and used to make fun of people with what he called "sexual problems". He got his butt chewed out by a lead physician and was pretty much forced to study the issue. Over the years and the success and happy lives he produced convinced him what ever is the issue with the transgendered people that had been screened and he had helped was not only real, but a birth defect. He told me to not be scared, or ashamed for it was not my fault. He said he is batting a 1000 with those he has helped. Every one of his patients is much happier and leads a normal happy life, even those that really could not pass are much better people. He takes what those in the TS community tell him very seriously, to heart, and wants to help. He told me this because I flat out asked him "Why do you want to help the transgendered community when others won't"?
He has taken the time to learn and study and observe and has come to the conclusion we are not whacked out mentally. We may have mental issues caused by our "uniqueness" (don't ever use the word problem around him, we are different and unique, it will make him mad) but after he gets done with you, things will be better and you will be re-aligned. His staff has to go through intensive GID training and they understand and it really showed.
So this is it I guess. Round two for Lori. I am going to transition. As Steph said long ago when I was bitching about it, if you have GID, if you are TS (a Pickle) you will transition one day. GID spares nobody. I must stop the obsession, the unanswered questions, face the fears and do this. It takes more energy, and does more harm to fight it than it does to just give in and do it I have found out. No more running, no more stupid projects, no more laying around depressed and wondering. All the drugs and alcohol do not bury this. It just numbs and delays the inevitable.
I'm sitting here wondering why I must do this because I feel fine right now. Why do I feel fine and where is my GID push? Oh yeah....I have patches glued to my butt, and things in my system...I feel wonderful. How odd is that? I asked "Why does a TS need hrt? Is it mental or physical"? The answer I was given is "It's both". "Calm the physical need, and the mental one goes away with it." Very interesting. The next year will be...interesting.
Lori
