I'm very glad to be genderqueer/gender-gifted/beyond-gender. While doing a search for some specific references to genderqueer, I stumbled upon this thread. Please allow me to share with all of you an experence I had that really captures a lot of the feelings I have around my gender. I'm very comfortable with having an undefinable gender, even as I process the questions raised around the experience I'm about to describe. (I posted about this previously on the genderqueerrevolution Yahoo listserv, but I think this fits in this discussion as well.)
I was out and about with a good friend a few weeks ago, and I purposely went without binding, in a fairly clingy T-shirt (and though they sag, my breasts still are a bit prominent when I don't bind, and frankly, I wish they were bigger) and a matching skirt (my favorite skirt, actually, my most favorite and oft-worn article of clothing). We went to West Hollywood, the "gay" part of the Santa Monica Blvd. strip, to do a variety of errands. These errands took us to an outdoor taco stand, a bakery called Sweet Lady Jane's (apparently quite a popular destination), and a yogurt place.
No one said anything to me, though I noticed some looks, at the taco stand. I took a "calculated risk" with this little experiment. I felt like West Hollywood, the "gay" part of town, while still steeped in genderism and some amount of gay (non-trans) male privilege, would be a safe enough place to practice feeling and outwardly expressing my genderqueerness.
At the bakery, however, something interesting happened. My friend, while a genderqueer individual herself, might appear to others like a traditionally-gendered woman (not saying that's who she is, just how she might be perceived by others). At the bakery, with the two of us standing together in front of the counter, the person who served us said something like, "Hello ladies, uh, guys, what can I get you?"
Well! I'm not sure how I feel about that. Interesting that the person behind the counter seemed to need to group both my friend and me into the same gender marker. Or perhaps because "guys" has become a gender neutral term in this city.
To tell you the truth, part of me rejoiced and part of me grieved when I heard him say what he said, as he continued to make sure to use male references with me throughout the business transaction. I said nothing to contradict him, nor did I give him any particular "look" to validate or invalidate his gender choice for me. I have come to the realization that even if I were to walk up and down the Blvd in a string bikini, my fleshy bits, my breasts, hanging out for all the world to see, because I have, at least for now, some facial hair, the pronoun and gender references would automatically default to "he" and male (It's always the hair, isn't it. Why can't women and other non-male genders have facial hair?) I sometimes feel badly about that, and sometimes I feel good about that, and sometimes both at the same time, and for different reasons each time. Regardless of whether I am "Sir'ed" or "Ma'am'ed," I always feel a little bit of loss and a little bit of triumph each time, awash in many different feelings and thoughts. Yes, sometimes I do get Ma'am'ed even when I'm actually trying for a more masculine and/or male presentation, and sometimes when I tell people this, particularly FTMs, they'll say, "No, that could never happen, you look so male to me!" never realizing that while to them their words mean validation and acceptance, to me, their words feel like a partial erasure AS WELL AS validation.
Though I live most of my life as a "guy," whatever that means, I want to experience life as a perceived woman again in specific contexts. I want to be able to go to a dyke bar and be perceived as a dyke. I want to be able to tell my friends that I AM a dyke, and that a part of me still resonates with dyke energy without them telling me, "But you're NOT a dyke, you never can be, because you're _fill in the blank_." I feel deeply hurt even now that some of my friends and chosen family have said to me that they could never accept me as FTM or as a dyke or whatever else because my "choice" to be genderqueer automatically and by definition (theirs, not mine) disqualifies me from also having other real and valid parts of my gender mosaic, including "FTM" and "dyke," whatever these things mean to them.
Thank you for letting me share.
-ATG
