Hi everybody....
Wow...6 months already? Transition has been so amazing. I came out/realized I was trans last May. Within 3 months I was on HRT...it was very obvious to me that I needed HRT. But it was so scary at the same time. I had a conviction about who I was, and what I needed, but none of us have any experience with hormone replacement therapy before we begin it. So, while HRT was the most amazing thing to me - and my salvation...I was also really scared. I was scared of looking like a man with breasts, of being rejected, and of changing. But I made the decision to do this realizing that HRT is not magic. Hormones are a tool. For MtF trans people, they will feminize your body. They won't make me a woman, and the changes they do make will not provide me with a new body, or new bone structure (at my age, 23). I accepted that any increase in femininity of my body would be worth it. This wasn't about being pretty, it was about feeling present in my skin.
At 6 months a lot has changed. My breasts have grown. They were small nodules at 2 months, and they stayed that way until 4/5 months...then they grew out a little. More fat has accumulated around them, and the tissue itself is spreading out, to begin to form my actual breast. You can see them under clothing, it is clear I have breasts now - but they are very small, I don't think they'd really register on a sizing chart, I don't know. My nipples got soft and smooth and puffy starting at 3 weeks on HRT. At 6 months they are very soft very puffy and VERY sensitive. They are also shaped like little cones at this point, they protrude out. I understand this is part of the process during development. I want my breasts to grow more so badly. They are such a defining characteristic of my female body, and when they grow into distinctively breast-shaped breasts, I will feel so much more comfortable with myself.
My butt/hips have grown 1.5 inches since beginning HRT. The 1.5 inch change happened after 3 months. Between 3 and 6 months my hips have not changed again. My thigh has grown 1/2 an inch.
My body hair (which was practically none on my torso, mostly on my legs/thighs) has changed a lot. On my torso the growth has practically ceased, and it has definitely diminished in amount. A few hairs gro back after I shave them on my chest, but only like 4 or 5 hairs and they take weeks to grow. My "happy trail" which was the bane of my existence has diminished and slowed greatly. I shave it once a week, and when I do you cant even see it, but you can feel it. My thigh hair, which I had a lot of, has turned so light that you can't see any of it, same for leg hair. But you can feel it, and theres still a lot of it. It is softer and grows slower, but its still very challenging to deal with. I epilate and shave in order to get smooth. I hope that the thigh hair goes away as I stay on HRT.
Facial hair slowed some. I don't have a lot f facial hair, just on my chin/neck/upperlip. And it is blonde mostly. For a while shaving it was like whatever, but it got really intolerable. There is nothing that makes me feel more masculine than seeing facial hair on my face, shaving that hair, or feeling the stubble. I have bad dysphoria with this hair. When I shave it, I break out on my neck/get razor burn...which is such a masculine thing, its really painful to deal with. But it grows much slower, so I only have t shave every 2 days, maybe every day and a half. AT 6 months though, I decided I need to start dealing with this, and had my first round of electrolysis on Friday. She told me she can clear everything in 50-60 hours...so its expensive but not as bad as some have had. Also I guess the bulk is cleared after a few sessions and then it becomes maintenance...I am really excited about that prospect.
My face has changed a lot. I didn't expect it to, or know how it would...but looking at older pictures or videos of me it is obvious that my face is different insmall ways. The best way I can describe it is that my skin and face look thick and tough in old pictures when compared to how I look today...which is smoother/softer/more full/better skin. SKin quality has such a profound effect on passing...its incredible. My acne has gone away!!!!! I am so excited about this, because I had chronic cystic acne my whole life and nothing worked to treat it. I really feel like tesosterone was poison for my body, filling me with bacteria and horrible ualities that made me feel disoriented from myself. On E I am free....Anyway, I stillg et little pimples but nothing like before. Overall I think my face is just softer and fuller, and I hope and pray it gets more fat in it. I am very uncomfortable withcertain [arts of my face and nothing has helped that as much as the feminizing effects of HRT.
My sexual side effects....morning erections vanished (thank god...they always HURT!). I used to jerk off every day, now I jerk off whenever I feel like it, which is usually once a week or so. My erections stopped being as rock hard. But theyre still pretty hard and normal, and when I am really turned on - its almost the same as before. I have to work to get an erection. Not incredibly hard, but it takes a few minutes. I used to just think about something sexy and I would get an erection, now its a task. I feel liberated from my sex...I used to need it and it was overpowering, now its on my terms. My libido has changed but not diminished. I am just as horny as before, if not more...but the circumstance of my arousal and the means of appeasing it have changed. I don't need to have sex when I am horny, and I don't want to have meaningless sex. (I never did like menaingless sex, but in the past I was so driven by my desire that I would settle for it, which was horrible) I have control now. I am turned on by the idea of being loved/cared for/caring for someone/nurturing/and definitely just for the sake of hot ->-bleeped-<-ing...but I need it now in a way that is so centered around my female gender. Hard to describe maybe, but sex has become amazing...even if I am not having it...I am being seen as a woman and I never have to be a man again and that means in the bedroom too...
I stopped producing semen at 4 months. Once in a while some small amount of clear liquid comes out, nothing like before. I am comfortable with my penis, and was worried about it not functioning before I started HRT. But I must say that hormones changed e v e r y t h i n g. They did all the stuff I just described, but they also changed my brain. I am such a different person emotionally, intellectually...First of all, I feel my emotions physically now, rather than being closed off from them. This may mean I cry when I feel something, where before I didn't. I see this as the best change, because I am so alive in myself and I feel myself so raw and true. There is a stereotype that women are out of control of their emotions or because of them. But I can see that it was my testosterone fueled body that was out of control with emotions. I couldn't articulate my feelings as well, so I pent them up easier. Life is smoother and more peaceful and level headed this way.
I started this concerned that I would lose function of my penis. I haven't...but I have changed internally. My relationship to my genitals has changed. I didn't think I would want SRS in the past...now I can easily see myself wanting that. The more I embrace myself as a woman, the closer I get to seeing myself that way - the happier I am, the more alive I feel, the more real I feel...and the less I care about parts of me that I thought I used to need or know well. I was more comfortable in-between sexes, when I started. Now that I am passing well, and that I am identifying with my new body...I have no tolerance for the in-between, and certainly not the male box. That isn't totally true about the inbetween, I am ok with being trans...I am proud of it. I am not stealth. I love who I am. But I want desperately to never be read as trans, just as a woman. I am not transitioning to be seen as trans. I know who I am, and the more I can see it, the more you can see it, the more I demand it in my life.
I didn't know if I would ever pass. But at 4 months I started to. People just started calling me She and Her (I went fulltime in May when I came out, before HRT). I couldn't believe it the first time I got gendered correctly. But sure enough it was happening, and after it happened once, it happened a hundred times. I know I am lucky for this. I feel so grateful. It was difficult to register or believe. But ever since 4 months, I have been always gendered correctly. There have been a couple comments here and there, and I certainly don't think I have convinced everyone I have met that I am a natal female...but I am eing perceived as she and her, and in many instances as cis, and even if thats not true - it doesn't matter. I am not doing any of this to be cis. I have always wished to be somethng besides what I am, so I am just finally acceting every part of me. Every part of this.
Some days I can't deal...some days I just can't handle how I look. I can't handle my brow bone. I can't handle my muscular arms...But those days are few and even on those days people receive me well. I feel blessed to have discovered this about myself. I changed my name to Diana legally a month ago. It made all the difference. I was trying to stay my male name, and using that name in public or with strangers kept making them see me as male, where as Diana tells them everything about my gender. I love the name Diana. I am free...
I have been dating! Its been fine...no one amazing. But I never could date before. I hated myself, I would never have been able to handle it. Now I am so confident. I believe in myself, and I believe in this...and I am not frightened of other people's perceptions...certainly not men's.
I didn't want to work on my voice for the first 4 months. I was scared of being judged and doubted that I could find something thatsounded decent and passable. At 4 months when I started passing well physically, I became so aware of how not working on my voice was an unacceptable thing for me. I am not working this hard to embody my true nature, to realize myself, only to be thwarted by a deep voice. But it isn't just for other people's perception. Its mine. Its my voice. And I love the way I have been able to shape my voice, it makes me feel part of my body even more, and this person I have been searching for for so long is rising out of me, and becoming me - she is me, and always has been. I worked hard onmy voice every day, and after asking a lot of questions and so many videos, I found something that is perfect.
People from pre-transition don't see it. They accept me, but they still slip w old pro-nouns, and I don't think they can believe that people who just meet me now see me as a woman. But its true. I started school this semester, and my classmates don't know I am trans. I can't tell you that none of them have caught on - but I wouldn't be surprised if none know. This amazed me..but I think that its just that people don't question gender really. I am passing well, but not perfectly, my voice is passable but not perfect, there are masculine features to me...but when I walk into a room, people see a woman. They hear one, and theydon't pick apart my voice like I do. They hear my name is Diana...only people who are plugged into our community spend any time analyzing these cues. Confidence is SO much of it.
I have never been stared at or commented on in the women's room. It was strange switching restrooms, but there is no way in hell I would ever step foot in a men's room ever again...its no big deal now.
When people read me as male, I feel crazy. Its something I need to accept and get over...but because I have been passing well, I have become addicted to passing...I refuse to be seen as male, I hate it - and when it happens I get very upset. Just today, I was walking down the street and some guy said "looking good girl" and then his friend said "thats a guy!". That kind of thing does not happen, really ever....so it was an awful shock. I get positive attention from men all the time. I get picked up in bars now by straight guys who have no idea...my point is that I feel safe in my affirmed self now, but you never know when you're going to be clocked. And sometimes I think that because I have been passing well, I believe that I am always passing 100% - whether its true or not. And that belief is probably a large part of what helps me pass.
I want to let go of passing more, because the real joy in transition is in my heart. The passing, the boys....thats all icing on my cake. And I don't need those things to be happy, free, or to be myself. Transition has grounded me within my body, through my body, as my body. I never felt real before HRT and now I know I am, and this is my truth.
I would love to hear from some people who have been on Hormones 6+ months....what changes did you notice 6-7 months? 7-8?....when can I expect more breast development, facial changes, hips?? I love my body now, but it is so inbetween. When I am naked I look like a mixture of man and woman, and I may always look that way...but I need my body to lean more on the woman side of things, desperately. I know my breasts will help a lot. I could just use some guidance around what to expect from here on out. I know 6 months is supposed to mark a critical period? Or something like that...please let me know what happened for you...Thank you all for being here. I love Susan's...you've been so helpful to me.
x Di
