In a pretty desperate situation.

[Lampsace]

Hi all, I'm new to this forum, though I have been "lurking" for quite a while. Je m'apelle Emily.

Recently I have been stressing myself out like crazy because I'm trying to find ways to pay for FFS. I need it so badly, I hate what I see in the mirror and I just want to be able to go outside without being stared at. Every day I just feel like crying and crawling into a hole, I'm currently a student and I've ->-bleeped-<-ed up the year by not going. It's just stopping me from being able to actually live my life. I am currently self-medding on hormones (which I know is advised against but I genuinely don't know where I would be right now without them) and I'm waiting for an appointment with Charring Cross GIC.

I think I can look quite pretty sometimes when I'm wearing makeup and I seem to "pass" really well, but my facial structure is really horrible and masculine and I do not "pass" at all when those features are visible, I'm just good at hiding it. Kind of like a pretty picture on an ugly canvas.

My surgeon of choice is Dr. Bart van de Ven as he seems very reputable, I'm amazed at the results pictures on his website and he seems like the cheapest, best surgeon who is near. I requested a proposal about two weeks ago and the total cost would come to about £13k. I don't have a job and I very much doubt I'd be able to hold one down as I have severe depression. I tried applying for a loan to pay for it but I was refused. My parents are quite poor generally and they don't seem very reassuring.

Can anybody kindly give me some advice on what on earth I can do? It genuinely feels like there are no options and I need this to happen otherwise I'm doomed to a life I couldn't bear.
Sorry for the depressing vibes, I'm not usually this bad, it's just really getting to me.

Any help would be very much appreciated and I hope I haven't posted on the wrong board or rambled too much.
Thank yoo

[Wild Flower]

The first thing I would do is get on hormones, especially spiro.  This way you won't damage your looks anymore. I done that between 17-20. £13k= 20k USD practically, which seems like a lot of money to me. I can find a plastic surgeon in Mexico who can do the works for less than 10k. Plenty of good ones there. I'm from the USA.

I quit my spiro thing for now, since I don't think I am going to transition. I saved up all my money for FFS, but I didn't carry through. But if you chuck it little by little, you'll get there, even if it takes 1-4 years, you'll get there. If it could be easy, I would wish that money fell in my lap, but it doesn't. There's no easy route to this... 

I am okay with being me(cis-guy) versus living as a  transsexual woman (which life is 10000x more harder). I know I am a woman trap in a man's body. I know that I will take care of my looks if I had them better than any woman, especially those who let themselves go. I should be the most attractive woman in the building. I am a transsexual woman and there's nothing that I can say that will make this different.

It's really hard... but just keep saving and working, and finding ways to get there.

[Janae]

Hello Emily welcome to Susan's.

Let me just say that you aren't alone when it comes to stressing about surgery finances. I swear everyday that's all I think about. I can't wait till I have what I need to get my work done. The "Need" is what's motivating me to try harder to get it. All I can say is good things come to those who wait. You can only do what you can until you can do better. I understand your depression prevents you from looking for work. My advice would be to try to find some type of work you feel you can handle. Without income you'll never reach your goal. BTW just like Wild Flower said there are many cheeper Dr's, In Mexico for instance, who are way more affordable who do great work. Try not to let this get you down things will get better.