Truth is I am just plain scared

[Lesley_Roberta]

I am scared, I am sooooo scared.

I am paralyzed with fear.

How far do I go, and what happens if I do anything at all.

I am scared to find out I am totally laughable, and it would crush me to find out that a wig and makeup and a great outfit will not mean a damned thing, that I will be no better off than to just settle for being a woman in my imagination and get over it.

I am also equally as scared to find out I have an attractive woman lurking here that only needs a realistic hair do, some make up an a nice outfit and presto I am actually a reasonable looking female. Because then I likely would be incapable of restraining myself from going slowly as I am a bad one when it comes to impulsive.

All day long I am living with anxiety unwilling to find out either way. Just moping about it.
A constant hell of do nothing, don't risk losing the last thing you have in life to live for.
Don't look into it, the truth might destroy you.
Don't look into it, finding out you look nice would be unlocking a flood gate.

My life has all but come to a halt here. I am doing almost nothing from being so scared of doing ANYTHING at all.
And since so many of my local crowd has seen to have picked 2012 to wander off on me, I have too few people to keep me distracted too. I'm literally walking myself ragged trying to avoid being at home pondering too much.

[spacial]

I am scared, I am sooooo scared.

I am paralyzed with fear.

How far do I go, and what happens if I do anything at all.

The option of doing nothing is, with respect Lesley, long past. You're doing it now.

How are you go?

You go as far as you feel comfortable. OK, we all know the place we want to reach, but fear is the major limiter. You are right to be guided by it. You take each step, one at a time.

As a start, ask yourself, what it is you absolutely have to do? Where do you absolutely have to start?

[Lesley_Roberta]

Today, this morning actually, the wife goes in to talk to the shrink I talked with, I would assume to discuss what is involved with being with me.

I have an appointment following hers. I am assuming it is to follow up my first assessment and further discuss my situation.

I don't expect him to be able to digest much of what the wife will say during the meeting.

I know that my wife does not wish to lose me. I am not sure which me she is worried about losing the most though.

I have mentioned she has been keeping some people waiting here that she met here.

I think she might might have some catching up to do to get to where I find myself now.

I am wondering how the shrink will respond to my having dropped off the 'dual personality' issue I was initially plagued with.
I don't have any illusions any more, that I am just one person, I am simply not the person I mistook myself for, for the last 50 years.

It will be nice to get some positive reinforcement from the man to indicate there is movement on seeing me get some additional support of a real in person variety in the local area, even if that means some journeys to Toronto (I can get assist from my pension on travel for sensible needs).

[spacial]

I am wondering how the shrink will respond to my having dropped off the 'dual personality' issue I was initially plagued with.
I don't have any illusions any more, that I am just one person, I am simply not the person I mistook myself for, for the last 50 years.

I hope he sees it as a positive move for you. An issue resolved. He might even tick it up to his own skills, but who cares?

[Shantel]

Just go about it in increments, a little here and a little there. That way observers get used to the gradual changes. It's much more effective than just ripping off your shirt and tie like Clark Kent and suddenly appearing as SuperLesley before the astounded eyes of the crowd. You can do it!

[Lesley_Roberta]

The shrink visit went well today. Done via teleconference. Odd talking to someone and you are the only one in the room

But I will pick several conference chats over rarer visits in person.

It took him a while to get back to me, but it was the teleconferencing thing was slow in getting set up. I should have faster easier access now.

I have not talked to wife yet, she is out of the house for the day. But the shrink made it sound like her chat went well.

I am encouraged in that I seem to like the person. You know how when you meet someone, and you just seem to feel ok with them?

I was able to update him on my situation, and for instance I have dropped the dual mind confusion. He responded to that well.

He discussed details and basically we established communication and got better connected during the session. You can only accomplish so much till you know the client eh. He seems to at least know the subject well.

We further talked about specialists that can go even further to help me through finding out all that I need.

I mentioned Susan's place and told him he could always look into the site if he wanted additional content. I have no need to hide what I say in public.

I like that he asked at the beginning if I prefer Lesley in reference.

[Jenna Stannis]

I am scared to find out I am totally laughable, and it would crush me to find out that a wig and makeup and a great outfit will not mean a damned thing, that I will be no better off than to just settle for being a woman in my imagination and get over it.

Your fears resonate with me and probably many others on these boards. In certain, more dangerous respects, those fears are well founded, considering the physical and psychological violence perpetrated against trans people. For this reason alone, passing as a woman, if you go down that road, is very important. That said, this shouldn't be the case, as it kind of falls into the same argument that biological women have to face, "she was dressed provocatively and obviously begging for it".

However, putting aside those legitimate fears for the moment, I think you should do a bit of soul searching regarding what you think it means to be a woman. For instance, do you think being a woman is all about aesthetics? If you find that you don't pass physically as a woman, would you then not consider yourself a woman? And if so, what would that mean?

I am also equally as scared to find out I have an attractive woman lurking here... Because then I likely would be incapable of restraining myself from going slowly...

Here again you seem to believe that you would only transition if you believed that you could pass as a woman. But what if you find that you don't look like a woman, yet still have that incredibly powerful feeling that you are a woman? Would you go through a lifetime of emotional angst, or worse, just because of your looks? A decision in this case would likely involve an admittedly unpleasant reality check and a choice between the lesser of two evils. That is, what is the least damaging decision to my person, my mental health, my life?

Despite my preaching, I totally identify with what you're going through. I too am paralysed and incapable of making a decision. I go from thinking the whole thing is just a silly, trivial fad or fetish (one that's lasted 35-years, I might add), to acknowledging the reality of my trans nature and the need to act on it to make my life less of an ordeal.

In any case, it's not the dichotomous, either/or decision that I suspect you seem to think it is. I'm of the view now that while I could eventually pass (maybe) if I really put the effort in, I might be happy just knowing that I have female characteristics/inclinations and indulging them periodically. In other words, just because I could doesn't mean I should. Moreover, such a change would require a massive personality change on my part, as I'm not one to "put myself out there", so to speak, which is exactly what I'd have to do to make such a huge transition. Some people might argue that this is evidence that I'm not transsexual, but I disagree. I think that I am. Several psychiatrists think that I am. Unfortunately, due to a number of external and internal factors, I will probably have to contain or muffle certain aspects of my transsexual nature. That may be considered a dangerous case of denial to some. But there you go; what can you do?

[Lesley_Roberta]

It's the same ole demon Jenna.

I don't think women that dress provocative have much right to complain. They dress to be seen, and when they are seen, well the eye of the beholder belongs to the person viewing.

But at the same time, I am trapped into WANTING to be capable of dressing provocatively. Ironic I suppose.

What's worse, being invisible and no one sees you, or, being sexually assaulted and made to feel like just a piece of flesh? Being a non person is a form of real pain too just as much as the pain of a physical attack.

An insane part of my brain actually thinks being in en femme mode and being the target of an attempted rape by a person that just doesn't realize I might have the wrong plumbing, almost thinks it would at least be a verification of being seen sufficiently female, that a person could mistake me enough to want me in that fashion.

I mean, I'd smile on the inside for a moment and then I'd likely grab the guys goodies and pull them off with my bare hands Thanks for the compliment pal but now you need to expire

I'm not a frail delicate person in some ways I suppose. I bite back. I don't have much of a bark, but I do have teeth.
I'm not worried about 'physical' responses, I am much more worried about the much more hard to defend against almost silent forms of hurt. I would much rather a person 'try' to hurt me physically, rather than just laugh at me. At least a physical attack permits me to hurt them back. I can't go around beating up everyone that laughs at me or just looks at me disapprovingly.

I am not my appearances any more than I am not my sex organ.
But my appearances do force me to live in a world dominated by them.
Just look at clothing stores. They always seem to stop off at sizes a lot of society can't manage easily. Most cis females just don't have big feet. I want to get the right pants to be able to wear the right boots to be able to look like the women that CAN wear them. I want to be able to wear those boots also with a great looking skirt. But when I observe women in them, they are always well outside the reach of my sizes.

I suppose the FTM crowd must have clothing size troubles. I just figure putting something small into something big is easier than putting something too big into something too small.

[JoanneB]

I think fear is all part of the process. Fear paralyzed us in our youth to dissuade us from making changes. Later in life fear does the same with upsetting the nice little world we built around us. Plus add in more fear factors like upsetting people we love, social implications, employment, ect.. And of course, just plain fear of actually being successful at achieving your dreams.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.       
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

Twice now I've been overwhelmed by fear. The first time I freaked out was when it dawned on me after nearly a year of part-timming it, I actually achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. OK, Now What? 

Incident number two was about six months back when my wife said to me "If you want to start hormones it is OK with me. I know you can handle it now. Whereas if you asked me last year I would say no way are you ready for that" OK, Now What? 

To make my life even crazier, I in essence lead 3 lives. Two isn't enough of a challenge, right? Since I need to work way out of state there is that engineer me, when I make it home on the occasional weekends I have that husband / best-friend / partner me. Finally there is the me me. Oh yeah, there is also the fear of when worlds, or lives collide! Like what was a no way thought suddenly during idle moments at work you start wondering what if.....?

In the midst of each of these existential crises, I like to think of them as timeouts. You do a lot of soul-searching, questioning, crying, and eventually you come through it knowing you really did  do due diligence in coming to a crucial decision

[Jenna Stannis]

I don't think women that dress provocative have much right to complain...

Not sure what you mean here, but I'm going to assume it's not what I think you mean, because that would be really bad.

I am trapped into WANTING to be capable of dressing provocatively... An insane part of my brain actually thinks being in en femme mode and being the target of an attempted rape by a person that just doesn't realize I might have the wrong plumbing.

I would much rather a person 'try' to hurt me physically, rather than just laugh at me. At least a physical attack permits me to hurt them back. I can't go around beating up everyone that laughs at me or just looks at me disapprovingly.

I'm really not sure how to respond to your comments, other than to say that if your female dress sense is half as provocative as your opinions are, you needn't worry about making an impression.

As for me, I've always dressed for myself and not others and this would also be true as a female.

I should clarify, however, that my feelings are that there's nothing intrinsically wrong with aesthetic narcissism or wanting to dress in the latest slut fashions. I'm aware of the political arguments that frame these and other behaviours (such as pornography) as products of patriarchal capitalist oppression, but I'm kind of on the fence about such arguments.

[AnarchoChloe]

I think fear is all part of the process. Fear paralyzed us in our youth to dissuade us from making changes. Later in life fear does the same with upsetting the nice little world we built around us. Plus add in more fear factors like upsetting people we love, social implications, employment, ect.. And of course, just plain fear of actually being successful at achieving your dreams.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.       
Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear.

Great reference, Joanne! I use this as a mantra when the fear of everything that I've brought about by pursuing transition and satisfaction just gets too overwhelming. By the time I've made it through two or three repetitions, the panic has started to subside and I'm able to accept each challenge individually rather than being overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of challenges facing me. Makes me feel a bit like Muad'dib, though I'd much prefer Lady Jessica.

[ford]

Great reference, Joanne! I use this as a mantra when the fear of everything that I've brought about by pursuing transition and satisfaction just gets too overwhelming. By the time I've made it through two or three repetitions, the panic has started to subside and I'm able to accept each challenge individually rather than being overwhelmed by the sheer multitude of challenges facing me. Makes me feel a bit like Muad'dib, though I'd much prefer Lady Jessica.

Ok I need to second this. I love Dune and that is a brilliant quote from it that I haven't thought about in ages. Very pertinent to me now though.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I not only loved seeing the Dune comment, I am a total fanatic. I own ALL the books including likely some you might not even know of

I should likely write out the quote as well. It makes sense.

Jeanna, I likely meant it the way you thought I wouldn't mean it.

I don't cut women any slack when it is not earned.

High heels for instance, they are a product of a man's need to see our asses look better, and at the cost of our feet. And we still wear them why? If you wear high heels, you have basically permitted society to say you are sufficiently foolish enough to endanger your feet all so a man can enjoy looking at your ass. So don't even pretend to invent justifications. We have conned ourselves into thinking they are needed to look good. They are not needed. They make it hard to walk, they damage our feet, and they are a sexist form of attire. And yet no one is complaining.

You wear a bra to support the gear. Not supporting them does them no favours. They are not harmful, so wearing one is not a burden invented just for a man's needs.

Wearing revealing clothing though IS for visual reasons. Just be sure to do it safely. A woman dressing provacatively, walking alone, in the dark, in a bad location, is what she is, STUPID. Claiming it as a right, to be foolish, does not render it not foolish.

I see women, that are busty, wearing those strapless, tops that are all one piece items with attached shots, a sort of body suit thing. And wearing them likely bra less, and who knows no panties either, essentially wearing a single article of clothing, that can be stripped off in a single motion, are making themselves at risk. Nothing will make you a better rape target than to make rape soooo easy. It is not important to say oh but the day was soooo brutally hot. Life is a bitch some times.

I also don't like mothers overly sexifying their daughters when minors. It's almost like blindly taunting predators.
You also don't wear a steak around your neck around lions and tigers and bears. You don't rinse in chum and swim with the sharks.

[Emily Aster]

You also don't wear a steak around your neck around lions and tigers and bears. You don't rinse in chum and swim with the sharks.

You're also not trying to attract a lion, tiger, bear, or shark. Everybody tries to increase their sex appeal to snag someone they want, but the sharks always swim with the fish too. You either play it safe and hope somebody notices you or you take a risk to increase your chances. There is a happy medium though and I agree that the over the top stuff doesn't seem right to me.

Even some other stuff that's not considered over the top bothers me. I went and saw my 6yo niece in a school play and they had them in mini skirts kicking their legs up high and doing sexy dances and stuff and I could see how proud all the parents were of this behavior. I KNOW their mothers know how dangerous it is out there to behave like that, so why are they so proud when their children are taught to do it?

So I guess I have mixed feelings on it all since I just hit both sides of the fence.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Lions tigers and bears as well as sharks though, at least they are easily visible dangers and they act according to their nature.

I'm actually more frightened by human predators that are basically invisible.

I look at a lot of clothing in a common day's shopping. Most of what I look at, can look attractive, but I have no desire to look like a steak.

If I HAD the body to die for, if my shape was as perfect as good fortune could make it, I would NOT be wearing a thong swimsuit ever.

I'm actually fond of the look of one piece outfits that cover a person. I am not modest nor shy nor hung up, I just don't see the value in advertizing what isn't on sale Well dressed is, well it is dressed well. It is not dressed with nothing left to the imagination.

[Jenna Stannis]

Jeanna, I likely meant it the way you thought I wouldn't mean it.

Wow. You're OK with blaming the victim, then?

[Lesley_Roberta]

I am ok with calling stupidity stupid.

I am ok with stating the foolish are fools.

Ill advised is called that for a reason.

I am not saying I would not rescue a victim, I am saying I would tell a person before they became a victim, that their choices were unwise, and if they did become a victim after ignoring me, that I had tried to protect them, and they had knowingly discounted my advice.

I refuse to suffer the idiocy in some.

I am not stating the attacker has any less punishment coming to them.

If you play with matches, you might get burnt. If you run with sharp objects you might get cut. Having no insurance is only ok as long as nothing ever happens.

I like to walk naked in the woods. Butt naked, and in the woods. Usually alone.
If something were to happen to me, I could not suddenly get pissed off if no one sympathized with me.

It's a conscious act to dress in a bad idea fashion.
We are not obliged to suddenly be all sympathetic to something a person (with even limited common sense would know was a bad idea) has done if it was clearly a bad idea and bit them.

[Jenna Stannis]

I am ok with calling stupidity stupid.

I am ok with stating the foolish are fools...

...It's a conscious act to dress in a bad idea fashion.
We are not obliged to suddenly be all sympathetic to something a person (with even limited common sense would know was a bad idea) has done if it was clearly a bad idea and bit them.

So, are you saying that if a woman dresses in a manner that you'd describe as sexually provocative, then she is to blame for being raped? What about rape victims who are naturally beautiful and sexy, who don't dress provocatively? Are we to blame them for not wearing a wardrobe of cheap, shapeless clothing, or head-to-toe burqa-like outfits? Perhaps it's not "rape-rape" when the victim is either dressed attractively or just born that way, and as such the perpetrator should get a lesser sentence (because anyone can see that the poor guy had no way of controlling himself. I mean it was obviously a clear case of entrapment on the woman's part – just look at the way she's dressed!). Or perhaps the victim should be punished as well – as is the case in some countries – so as to deter other women who may have the devious notion to dress provocatively in public.

And where does this magical, arbitrary line exist anyway; the one that divides the realms of sexy clothing as opposed to, well... what? Conservative? Neat and sensible? Dowdy? I mean it's just a deranged, reactionary and ethically hollow argument.

[Rachel]

Thank you for your post. I too share in fear and the thoughts of not being what I imagined I could look like. I will be taking small steps to accomplish my goals.

Dune referance,  copied and printed. Dune is fantasic!

A women at 15, 20, 30, 40, 50 ,60 years of age goes through many physical changes. Their looks peak and then decline. To have it all then see the future must evoke fear. I just want to capture me for the next 20 - 30 years and I can handle an old me. I just want to be me before I die. I fear not being me. I have come a long way and I can not go back in the box; I would die. I have gained so much and I really like me. I am starting to like who I am. Fear is healthy if used to keep you safe. Irrational fear is paralizing. Not facing my fears leads to self hate.

[JoanneB]

I just want to be me before I die. I fear not being me. I have come a long way and I can not go back in the box; I would die. I have gained so much and I really like me. I am starting to like who I am. Fear is healthy if used to keep you safe. Irrational fear is paralizing. Not facing my fears leads to self hate.

Absolutely fantastic insight. It so true on many levels