Where do I go next? Advice please.

[Antonia J]

After several months of therapy, I had the confidence to come out to my wife and close friends over the weekend.  It has been a rough few days, as many here can relate.  I feel a bit lost now, though, and am not sure "what's next?"  I have had 41 years of battling myself, and now I am out and proud to be me.  I hate to say it, but I did engage in some retail therapy and went shopping to begin building a feminine wardrobe.  Shopping for shirts was fun, pants was...interesting...and shopping for shoes for my big ugly man feet was dreadful. The experience itself was so liberating, though.  I felt like a cage door has finally been opened.

Now what?  Where do I go next?  I'm still working through marital issues, and not sure where that will end. She (legitimately) needs to sort through if she wants to accept the new reality. However, I want to keep me moving forward on this path I started. Should I slow down and let my wife adjust?  Or would this create a false sense that nothing is changing?  Should I look at finding an electrolygist to get rid of my facial hair? Should I tell my employer, or wait until changes become more evident? 

I feel like I have spent so much time working up to this moment in life that now that I am here, I feel free and beautiful...but also a little lost without direction. 

Thanks,
Toni

[JoanneB]

A popular and often disastrous response is to ride that liberation wave for all it's worth. Unless you live in a world full of enlightened people, or it's a choice of forging ahead or pulling the plug on your life I would recommend taking things slowly.

Rule #1 - There are no rules. You do not have to do anything!
Sure, it may not be a viable option but there is a world full of options ranging from simply being able to feel free now to cross-dress to get relief, low dose HRT, living part-time as female. The list goes on. What counts is what works for you to find relief, to feel good about yourself, to find some joy in your life.

The Wife - Likely your BFF and you'd like to do all you can to keep her in your life. I believe wives have the hardest time coping. You spent 40+ years trying to sort this thing out about yourself. So far she's had about 40 Hours! You just turned her world upside down. The person she knew is NOT the person she knew. You lied. She feels betrayed. You kept this from her all this time. The list goes on. She needs time to barely grok and understand what your feelings really are. Especially how you see how she fits into the future, if at all! Remember that the Jerry Springer image rules. Even wives that are enlightened, understanding, and have first hand knowledge of GD can take a while to absorb what just hit them.

The Job - With luck, having a unique knowledge base, or proved to be invaluable you get to keep it. Otherwise figure 6 months before you loose it. Naturally for some other reason readily justifiable in these economic times. Best wait until you spend a significant portion of your time outside of work being out in the real world as the real you. When you are sure you can do full-time. Feel comfortable presenting as a woman. Get expensive things out of the way while you have an almost guaranteed cash flow. I know from other women in my TG group slow subtle changes go mostly unnoticed. Hair is a biggie that naturally does not. Yet it is easy to be creative.

One of the most important things you need to do is to keep on feeling good about yourself. I am sure there are decades of shame and guilt you harbor, just as I do. Perhaps big self-esteem and self worth issues too. Certainly body image issues from what I read. These things take time to shed.

I cannot say just how life changing it was for me to start going to a TG group. Perhaps like you, I knew since I was like 4-5 I wanted to be a girl. By 12-14 I knew that was never going to happen as testosterone kicked in big time. Yet after college I twice experimented with transitioning. Both times opting to stick with "normal" since I figured I'd never pass. I spent a good part of my life already being a big fat ugly target, no way was I going to volunteer to continue being one. Nevertheless I still needed my occasional escape, continued to cross-dress. Back in my 20's I even dated full-time TSs. Even got to marry one.

By the time I hit my 50's I had a pretty good knowledge base of transsexualism. First hand knowledge, second hand knowledge, book knowledge. I thought I knew it all. Four years ago when the excrement hit the air handler for me, a lot of soul searching led to the conclusion that a lot of the major disasters in my life was due to me being trans. Time to take the beast head on. Eventually I found a TG support group. The first time ever I tried something like that. What a life changer it was being in a room full of women, much like me, hearing of their lives and stories.

Over these past 4 years I've gone from no way do I want to transition to well...maybe but. Lot's of reasons not to like cash flow. My wife (post-op MTF and knew about my history), while sympathetic, took a long time to forgive me and be supportive.

Over these past 4 years I've gone from presenting only for the monthly TG meeting to also for the therapist, to also the remainder of the therapist weekend (Friday day off appointment), to most weekends, to most evenings, to essentially anytime outside of work or in obvious sight of the neighbors. (I live in hillbilly country)

Over these past 4 years I've learned one very big and important lesson. Stop worrying about the future and what's next. Each time I do start fixating on that (Occupational hazard for an engineer) I get into major funks. All while I was just thinking how great it is to feel alive, to feel joy, to actually feel good about being me, being in this body, to actually achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. While I have a pretty good track record of analyzing situations and being able to predict what's next, when it comes to my life it is abysmal. I never would have predicted I'd achieve that dream. I sure would never have said 3 years ago I'd be seriously considering transitioning to full-time, much less part time or even going out presenting in public yet again.

[Antonia J]

Joanne,

Thank you so much for your answer!  I think that is the thing that I struggle with -- I want to believe there is "a route" to follow, that someone can guide me along the path I should follow...but I know everyone is unique including me.  It's tough, though because I feel a little lost.  It seems silly, but I feel like a 4 month old girl in a 41 year old man's body.  I need to remember to be slow and have patience, with myself and the people around me - especially my wife, who has had a couple of days only to adjust to the new reality.  I want to go shoe shopping, and she wants to turn the clock back.  Have to add - your Jerry Springer comment made me almost fall out of my chair.  Hate to admit, but we actually went to Chicago while we were dating many years ago and went to one of his studio tapings   That is EXACTLY her image.

I also need to remember there are consequences.  I tend to move ahead at full speed, consequences be damned...but your point about employment really resonated.  I live in the middle of the bible belt in midwest America, and I can see my employer cringing at the thought of bringing potential clients in to meet with me. That sucks, but I appreciate your sharing as I knew it intellectually, but had not really thought it through.  I need to get my finances in order should the worst occur.

I am also going to seek out a local TG group.  I have never been a group person -- even when I battled alcohol as a younger person, I resisted al anon.  This is probably something where a regular perspective check and sharing of knowledge would be welcome and wise.

Joanne, you are a really beautiful woman, and I hope it is not too forward, but your profile picture looks amazing.  Have you had any work?  It sounds like you work in a pretty male dominated field...do you do anything at all to your appearance at work?  Have you had any problems with co-workers?

Thank you for taking the time to write such a thorough reply.  I really appreciate the support as I start my journey. 

Toni   

[JoanneB]

Joanne, you are a really beautiful woman, and I hope it is not too forward, but your profile picture looks amazing.  Have you had any work?  It sounds like you work in a pretty male dominated field...do you do anything at all to your appearance at work?  Have you had any problems with coworkers?

Thank you Toni. The only work that's been done took place between the ears. Plenty of tears shed over the past 4 years. When I mentioned T hitting me hard and fast I wasn't kidding. I towered over all of my freshmen class and had the beginnings of a receding hairline at 14. Now I have the Friar Tuck look. I work totally in male mode which is pretty much the only option I have. No gradual change over time like some of my group members have done or are doing. In fact, the first time any of them see me in male mode I am totally unrecognizable. A reverse confirmation of sorts of my feelings how just about nobody, out of the approx 350 people in the building I work with, will recognize me in female mode. Even in rural WV where I stand out simply because I am not the more typical 5'6" 250 lb woman.

I am always doing reality checks. Not just for this but pretty much everything throughout my day. Another occupational hazard. It's nice to imagine the outside world changing thanks to removing of the tremendous burden you carried all your life, but the world moves at it's own pace, not yours.

Sadly, about all the women I knew that just had to do it all right away, had to. The dysphoria was so bad it was either make a radical change, or suicide. If you can, I think it's best to try to honor the spirit of the worlds rules and timetables.

I've seen more than my fair share of recipe's on transition. False premise #1, transition is required. False premise #2, there are these implied have to's. There are plenty of T's that aren't on HRT, had electrolysis or laser, FFS, or whatever else. Only by being brutally honest with yourself about ALL aspects of your life can you make an honest decision. There are plenty of balls that need to be juggled if you want to retain some semblance of the life you now have. Even something as simple as loosing tidy whiteys for panties can keep you sane for ages without upsetting the balance of the universe.

Not all TG groups are the same I've been told on good authority. You may need to shop around to find one that works for you. (Assuming you have that luxury!) I've never been much of a group or club person either. I'm in rural WV for work but am from just across the river from NYC. In a way, I am very fortunate to have  been here when my crises point hit. The only group I found "nearby" is some 90 miles away. My wife was justifiably concerned that 90% of it's membership are TS's, mostly full-time, others working at it. But they were and still are exactly what I need. My first meeting I was totally overwhelmed by the members and their stories. I felt like I needed to be there but... it was my first time, well worth a second go-see. The second time went much the same. By the third meeting I was absolutely sure I needed to be there with those people.

I've been to gay clubs and also places (being un-PC) with sex crazed TV's. NOT the types I want to be around at a TG meeting. I'd probably lock up emotionally just I now do being in a bar. (Yep, spent a lot of quality time sitting on a stool in my younger days too, self medicating) Luckily(?) where I am, I have no other choice unless I go to Pittsburgh or DC. Add another hour plus to those trips each way. Back home I am minutes from midtown Manhattan with a Chinese menu of choices in the city and even in the surrounding burbs of NJ. All well under 90 miles away!

[Jayne]

Where to go next depends on so many factors that only you can really say whats practical & safe.
Electrolysis is a good starting place, I was advised to wait until starting HRT to reduce the amount of treatment needed due to my skin condition so I put that on hold.
Over the next year my employer went out of their way to make life difficult for me, I put in more effort at work to show that this wouldn't effect my work, my fellow employees all rated me as one of the hardest workers but in the eyes of my direct manager I could do no right, when redundancies were on the cards, I got the heads up that my neck was on the chopping block so I took volountry redundancy because I was so sick of the way I was treated, my redundancy offer was quite generous, in fact it was better than the offers other people received who had been there for a year or two longer than me, yet another sign that they wanted me gone, jobs around here are scarce, now I can't afford electrolysis & my transition is suffering because of it.
I would definately get this out of the way early if I could do it over again.

i would also put off telling my employer for as long as possible whilst I built up a wardrobe & had my facial hair removed.
This slower approach will give your family & friends time to get used to the idea.
Therapy is a good idea & as you're in America I suggest doing some discreet research into your insurance to see if they'll cover costs, i've seen quite a few people posting about problems with insurance funding transition. but i'm in the UK so that's not an issue for me.

Of course you may look at this advice & feel that there is a better way to go about this.
only you will know what pace is best for you & those around you so feel free to ignore everything i've typed.

Best of luck

Jayne