Just sent an email to my mom...

[Anna++]

I've been comparing how I felt before my last girlfriend to how I felt right before my "identity crisis" and I think I could have reached the point I'm at now a few years earlier had I not dated her.  I had already done a ton of research and learned a lot about the transgender life.  When I started dating her, I push everything to the back of my mind and did my best to forget about it.  I don't want to undo all the hard work you all have helped me with over the last few months

[Misato]

When I started dating her, I push everything to the back of my mind and did my best to forget about it.

Quite familiar to me.

[spring0721]

I've been comparing how I felt before my last girlfriend to how I felt right before my "identity crisis" and I think I could have reached the point I'm at now a few years earlier had I not dated her.  I had already done a ton of research and learned a lot about the transgender life.  When I started dating her, I push everything to the back of my mind and did my best to forget about it.  I don't want to undo all the hard work you all have helped me with over the last few months

Good thinking, or you may be starting right back at this point 3 years from now, if you get a new girlfriend and focus on a new relationship rather than yourself.

[Anna++]

Here is the IM conversation I just had with her this morning.  Is there anything I could have done better?

Mom: Good morning <male name>
Me: Hello
Mom: How are you today?
Me: I'm doing well.
Mom: I wish I could say that but I don't feel that way to be truthful.
Me: I'm sorry to hear that...
Mom: I feel like crying, stepping in front of a bus, running away to the wilderness.
Me: That's not good. Don't do any of those things!
Mom: but that's how I feel and I can't stop it
Me: Find something to distract you and take your mind off of things?
Mom: there is nothing since you have always been on my mind every day since forever
Me: That doesn't mean you can't find something else to do to let your thoughts regroup for a while
Mom: right
Me: obsessive thoughts will only drive you crazy, as you seem to be finding out...
Mom: yes and I've been down the rabbit hole many times in the past but this time you might as well cover up the hole
Mom: I have to stop talking to you now ....bye

My dad is coming out tomorrow for breakfast... I hope he doesn't want to chat about trans stuff public!

[Sara Thomas]

Lordy...    Mom is in full guilt-trip mode, huh?

Well... on the bright side, your dad's coming out gives you an ally. 

Best of Luck!

[Anna++]

Lordy...    Mom is in full guilt-trip mode, huh?

Yup... I need to not let her bother me.  Like one of my friends just pointed out:  These are their problems, I've figured my stuff out.

Well... on the bright side, your dad's coming out gives you an ally. 

Hahaha!  Maybe I should have phrased it "my dad is coming over tomorrow"?

Best of Luck!

Thanks!  I have no idea what to expect...

[spring0721]

Wow, anna...yeah it does sound like a guilt trip, maybe if you don't relent she will get past this stage once she realizes you can't be guilted into stopping.  Hopefully your dad will be more supportive, it wouls be nice to have him as an ally in this...maybe he could help your mom thru it to or be a mediator type thing! Good luck with your dad.

[Jess42]

If you have a therapist, maybe have your mom go with you one time and let him explain to her. Other than that, it doesn't really seem like she is badly judgemental or out and out hateful. Guilt trips are her own reasoning as to why you want to transition. I would suggest that you just have patience and explain why you want to transition. She may be even blaming herself. Try not to get offended because she, herself is confused and keeping a line of communication open should help a lot. Just listen to her questions and or reasons and then answer them. Hopefully your dad will be on your side.

Good luck.

[Misato]

Guilt trips are her own reasoning as to why you want to transition.

Indeed, this ↑↑↑↑ is right on.

I read Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it gave me a lot to think about when dealing with guilt trips like this one.  You might find it to be of help in dealing with her.  From that conversation, in that moment, I don't know that we know what was motivating her.

Hope your breakfast with your dad goes well!  I think you'll do fine if trans topics come up too.  You've got a pretty good track record so far.

[Anna++]

Wow, anna...yeah it does sound like a guilt trip, maybe if you don't relent she will get past this stage once she realizes you can't be guilted into stopping.  Hopefully your dad will be more supportive, it wouls be nice to have him as an ally in this...maybe he could help your mom thru it to or be a mediator type thing! Good luck with your dad.

Hopefully he will be more supportive.  Expect posts from me tomorrow to summarize how it went!  I'd love to have some of my family on my side...

If you have a therapist, maybe have your mom go with you one time and let him explain to her. Other than that, it doesn't really seem like she is badly judgemental or out and out hateful. Guilt trips are her own reasoning as to why you want to transition. I would suggest that you just have patience and explain why you want to transition. She may be even blaming herself. Try not to get offended because she, herself is confused and keeping a line of communication open should help a lot. Just listen to her questions and or reasons and then answer them. Hopefully your dad will be on your side.

Good luck.

I hope she gets over it, too.  If she keeps it up with the guilt trips I'm going to start believing that her love for me depends on my gender, and not who I am as a person!  Thanks for the luck .

Indeed, this ↑↑↑↑ is right on.

I read Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg and it gave me a lot to think about when dealing with guilt trips like this one.  You might find it to be of help in dealing with her.  From that conversation, in that moment, I don't know that we know what was motivating her.

Hope your breakfast with your dad goes well!  I think you'll do fine if trans topics come up too.  You've got a pretty good track record so far.

I haven't heard of it, but I'll look it up.  Thanks for the suggestion!

[MaidofOrleans]

Here is the IM conversation I just had with her this morning.  Is there anything I could have done better?

No, this is something she has to deal with herself. She may pull through but she may also get stuck. The best you can do is reassure her that she has nothing to feel guilty about and that she did nothing wrong.

My mom said so many similar things after I came out, remember to them its like losing a child and that's what they see initially. If she can pull through the grief she will see that she really hasn't lost anyone and that you are happier. There are a lot of thoughts racing through her mind and fears especially. She obviously cares about you and she is responding in a way to try to protect you as good mothers do.

[Anna++]

Here is the summary of my talk (lecture?) with my dad.

- I need to "grow a pair"
- I need to convince myself that I'm not a girl (I've spent the last 12 years trying to do just that!)
- He doesn't see it (Probably because I've spent my life being embarrased about what goes on in my head???)
- He loves me as his son, and I will be dead to him otherwise
- He has promised me that I will lose my job, home, all my friends and family, college degree and credit score
- He doesn't want to see me mess up my life (that one is understandable)
- He put me on the spot to name five notable TS girls and didn't give me a chance to explain that that's not really how going stealth works
- He has promised me that I will never get married because nobody would want to be with me
- I like Doctor Who, therefore I'm not trans
- I like Star Wars, therefore I'm not trans
- Transitioning would be a trainwreck
- All of you are nuts and he would never hire any of you for a job
- "We're not intolerant... well, yes we are"

By the end I needed to put in effort not to cry and I just wanted him to leave .  I'm going to go crawl into a hole for the rest of the day.

[bethany]

Hugs Anna. I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well with your parents acceptance. You have said all the right things to them. This is their hangup. Hopefully in time they will see how happy transitioning is making you, and will accept you for the beautiful woman that you are.

[Anna++]

Hugs Anna. I'm sorry to hear that things are not going well with your parents acceptance. You have said all the right things to them. This is their hangup. Hopefully in time they will see how happy transitioning is making you, and will accept you for the beautiful woman that you are.

I hope so, too.  I guess only time will tell.

Fortunately, he's so far off the mark on so many of his points that I have a difficult time believing him.

[MaidofOrleans]

Sounds like he's trying to scare you out of it. Sounds like a classic defensive response. Don't let it get to you or get you down. Stay strong and keep to your convictions.

[Anna++]

Sounds like he's trying to scare you out of it. Sounds like a classic defensive response. Don't let it get to you or get you down. Stay strong and keep to your convictions.

I've been getting used to putting up with their FUD

I am so sorry for the pain and anguish you are going through.  It's not quite the same, but I came out to my wife recently, and the comments she made to me after were very similar to what you are experience with your parents.  Since that time we have good and bad days.  Unfortunately, this is a journey they need to travel and explore on their own.  We owe it to them to be honest and respectful of their questions, and journey to understanding us.  However, we do not need to tolerate abuse or disrespect ourselves.  Be true to yourself, talk to your therapist, and understand that you are still a good person.  Their reaction and pain are theirs alone, as much as you love and care about them.  If they can get past it, they may find a genuine, beautiful and honest relationship with a daughter they never had or knew existed.  That is for them to decide. 

Good luck, and be strong.  While you may feel caught in the maelstrom, this is about them, and not about you. 

I'll answer their questions the best I can, as long as they're willing to hear the answers.  I'm the one that has to live with me, they generally only see me once a month.  I really hope they can get past this...

One of my friends has always wanted an older sister and just offered to share his parents with me.  I'm tempted to take him up on his offer!

[Devlyn]

Here is the summary of my talk (lecture?) with my dad.

- I need to "grow a pair"
- I need to convince myself that I'm not a girl (I've spent the last 12 years trying to do just that!)
- He doesn't see it (Probably because I've spent my life being embarrased about what goes on in my head???)
- He loves me as his son, and I will be dead to him otherwise
- He has promised me that I will lose my job, home, all my friends and family, college degree and credit score
- He doesn't want to see me mess up my life (that one is understandable)
- He put me on the spot to name five notable TS girls and didn't give me a chance to explain that that's not really how going stealth works
- He has promised me that I will never get married because nobody would want to be with me
- I like Doctor Who, therefore I'm not trans
- I like Star Wars, therefore I'm not trans
- Transitioning would be a trainwreck
- All of you are nuts and he would never hire any of you for a job
- "We're not intolerant... well, yes we are"

By the end I needed to put in effort not to cry and I just wanted him to leave .  I'm going to go crawl into a hole for the rest of the day.

Putting you on the spot wasn't fair, let's see who we can come up with. Here's six notable women:

http://pinkessence.com/m/blogpost?id=1451021%3ABlogPost%3A656767

Our very own msrobyn-alice , working for the State Department, and The Most Successful Transgender Woman Ever!

Hang in there, hugs, Devlyn

[Anna++]

Putting you on the spot wasn't fair, let's see who we can come up with. Here's six notable women:

http://pinkessence.com/m/blogpost?id=1451021%3ABlogPost%3A656767

Our very own msrobyn-alice , working for the State Department, and The Most Successful Transgender Woman Ever!

Hang in there, hugs, Devlyn

Wow, six examples all in one convenient blog post!  Can I go back in time and see that blog post yesterday?

Thanks Devlyn

[Misato]

Crap.

My dad gave me the "dead to me" line too.  Same thing with the job concern.  It was this same pressure that derailed me round 2000 when I tried to transition.

It's not fair and it sucks and, even though as others pointed out it's their problem not yours, it still hurts.

*hhhhuuuuugggggggg*. Hang in there girl!

[Anna++]

Thanks Paige

I'm not going to let it derail me, if anything this makes me want to prove them wrong.  Don't worry, I want to transition for more reasons than just to disprove my parents...