When I woke up I found an email with a bunch of follow-up questions. She's trying to understand, so that's good... here is what she said and my responses so far. Should I say anything more?
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I am trying to understand but it is hard. The path you are proposing is a very difficult one considering our society and how the world works. I feel you may be hurt more down this road than you realize.
Yes, that's possible and I was afraid of that for a long time. Sure, there are a few immature jerks out there, but there are also a lot of kind, accepting people. I think it's better for me to be the person I want to be, rather than the person everybody else expects me to be.
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You say you feel you have a female brain but you have no idea what is like to be a female and worry all the time about the ones you care for. Can you explain what you mean by that please. Why do you think this? Remember all people have both male and female genes in them. And all are unique souls. Some men care for children, some like to cook, some like to be artistic, all unique. And all have a feminine side.
It's a self-image thing. In my head, I can only see myself as female and forcing myself to be male takes a lot of effort and usually leaves me feeling a bit disappointed. I have no idea why this is, but it is.
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I believe many true gay people are born that way and exhibit those traits at a very early age. You, however, confuse me by your statement since you never wanted girls toys, clothes, makeup, shoes, etc. at an early age. So, my gut is telling me that this may be more of a choice rather than something you were born with.
Some people realize it at an early age (3-4) and some later (20s or 30s). I don't have a sister, so it's not like I had the girl-stuff available to me growing up. I made the most with what I had, instead. I've actually put in a lot of effort to distance myself from anything that my brain associates with "girl" because I don't want people to know what goes on in my head. Silly example: I stopped wearing pajamas to bed around the same time girls started wearing pajamas to school because my brain said "that's I girl thing, I guess I don't do that anymore".
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Are you anatomically correct or is there an issue with the penis? (Sorry to be so blunt but I have to ask the question.)
I'm on good terms with my penis, but testicles are gross and I do my best to avoid touching them.
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You seemed to be very happy with girlfriend-1 and girlfriend-2. And I know you were very hurt by them as well. Your friends, however, never left your side because thats how friends are. I kind of suspect, however, that some of your friends who are gay are trying to encourage you to do the same. Through their support and praise, I am sure they are pushing you in this direction.
What? My gay friends have never encouraged me to do anything like that! I didn't say anything to anybody until AFTER I started thinking about all this. And actually, I didn't let any of this collapse on me until after I moved farther away from my friends so it's hard to blame them when I already see them much, much less than I used to.
And yes, I was happy with my ex-girlfriends. Did you notice that people kept saying girlfriend-2 was a "female me" and then I got clingy and set up a "living through her" situation? Of course I was happy, but I was also using her as an outlet. I'm under the impression that dating is really supposed to be about who you want to be with, and not who you want to be.
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Thoughts I would consider. As a mother I never want to see my kids suffer in any way. That's why I am still up now. I propose that you stop seeing any friends that may be encouraging you in this direction. Try for at least a month. You deserve that much.
So... don't change anything since this isn't something my friends are responsible for?
