Use of improper pronouns and name Huge update!!!

[bethany]

I'm starting to ask the staff where I live to call me by the name I have chosen for myself and the proper pronouns that go with it.  I see myself as a woman though I'm not presenting as such right now. I'm more androgynous at the moment. Anyway one aid says to me tonight that I will be a guy in her eyes until I either legaly change my name or have the operation. Grrrr she got under my skin. I told her it all about how I perceive myself. She should have enough respect for that. But no she thinks it's her way or no way.  With no regard to what others think.

Tomorrow I'm going to the head of nursing and ask him to inform his staff that from here on out I wish to be called Bethany or Beth, and use the pronouns that go along with those names by staff. I know most of the residents wont understand it and thats fine but the staff should show me the respect that I deserve.

Is it unreasonable to request this?

[Jennygirl]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all!

For me at work, they were incredibly accepting but they still flub up the pronouns quite frequently. I started gently correcting them and they have gotten better, but I think it just takes a while.

It's amazing though when you meet new people, they get it right from the get-go!

[Cindy]

Totally reasonable and that staff member should be fired. The staff are there to support you. There is nothing wrong with you (except for the disability!) you are a totally normal human being who demands the respect of a human being and fundamental to that, is our right not to suffer discrimination.

OK my wife is in nursing home and the staff have no problem with my pronouns and they totally understand or at least accept, that my wife refers to be as a male. I am totally and utterly OK with that.  I'll always be her husband and I will never walk away from that.

I agree with Jenny, work and society have had very little trouble. One guy at work misgenders me regularly and last week I told him in front of the entire staff that if he did it again I'd cut his balls off, dip one in silver and one in gold and he can wear them as ear rings so he doesn't forget.

He went red and felt humiliated, he hasn't forgotten since and if he does I'll humiliate him again.

Let us know how you get on. We can always email bomb the place to support you

[Jennygirl]

...We can always email bomb the place to support you

With you Cindy! I am down lol

So my job booking ended this past Friday, and on the way out I ended up talking to one of the other freelancers that was on the same project about my transition. She told me she was really thrown off and kind of upset that they kept messing up the pronouns. She was concerned that I would be offended by it. Towards the end of the booking, she was actually right! The producer kept messing it up so I had to remind him in front of others

I've worked for this company several times over the past 3 years and told her that it's not uncommon for people who knew me long before to have a harder time switching pronouns, and that I've learned to give people some time to do it on their own before I start correcting them. It's only after several corrections have been made that it starts throwing me off a little. Luckily that has only happened a few times, and I didn't let it go unnoticed.

In the end, we have to teach people around us how we want to be treated. It's a big part of getting what you want out of life. If you can teach someone with the most positive outcome in mind, you will have a better shot at getting what you want. Joking around is great, too. You can disguise really pungent verbiage in a "joke" and it leaves a lasting impression like Cindy did (hahah good one Cindy!)- and also at the same I think it diminishes the taboo-ness that some people feel about the topic of trans*.

[Jamie D]

Totally reasonable and that staff member should be fired. The staff are there to support you. There is nothing wrong with you (except for the disability!) you are a totally normal human being who demands the respect of a human being and fundamental to that, is our right not to suffer discrimination.

OK my wife is in nursing home and the staff have no problem with my pronouns and they totally understand or at least accept, that my wife refers to be as a male. I am totally and utterly OK with that.  I'll always be her husband and I will never walk away from that.

I agree with Jenny, work and society have had very little trouble. One guy at work misgenders me regularly and last week I told him in front of the entire staff that if he did it again I'd cut his balls off, dip one in silver and one in gold and he can wear them as ear rings so he doesn't forget.

He went red and felt humiliated, he hasn't forgotten since and if he does I'll humiliate him again.

Let us know how you get on. We can always email bomb the place to support you

I had to wipe the tears from my eyes with that mental image.

Good for you, Peta Cindy!  Good for you.

Beth is in Massachusetts (according to her profile), sorry I don't know what the legal requirements are there.  Maybe Dev would know.

But working up the "chain of command" is the smart way to start.

[bethany]

Thank you for the responses, I actually posted the same question on facebook and got the same answers. Today I am going to request that I am refered to as Bethany or Beth and she or her are used also. I know there will be slip ups along the way as people get use to it and that's fine as long as there is an effort made I'll be happy.

Cindy if you make those earrings, I want to see pictures of him wearing them.  LOL

[bethany]

I just spoke with the interim administrator here at the home. (Who just happens to be my cousin) About my wishes to have the staff address me as Bethany or Beth, and use the pronouns that fit my gender. She will pass word along to the director of nurses. Again I know there will be slips of the tongue and thats to be expected but as long as they make an effort I'll be happy. If there is a repeat of last night well then yes that person should be fired. 

[bethany]

I asked the same question on facebook and this was a responce from someone who works here I'm not sure what to make of it.

I have supported you but in view of where you reside it's a difficult situation. The staff has to work in accordance with the State of Ma. You can't just drop this on them and expect total cooperation. You are one resident of 60 and not one is more special than any other. I love working at the Home as well as most is my co-workers. I think you need to be a little more patient and let everyone get used to this transition. I know it's been hard on you but seriously, there are people at the Home who have no idea what this all about. I will continue to support you but please give the Staff some time to get used to your new identity. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with this so all I ask - take it slow.

This was my reply

Thank you for your support and input, I really appreciate it. I know it will take time. And I understand that this is all new to them as it is for me. Unfortunately I had not come here after starting to transition or fully done with it. So for both the home and myself this is a learning experience. Having said that what was said to me last night was totaly disrespectful and that is what got me thinking about how I want to be addressed.

[Jennygirl]

Well said. I think patience is a must, unless of course disrespect is there then we have a problem!

I would just try being very agreeable and accommodating to their needs at first. Show them positivity and how happy it makes you when they get it right- think of it like classically conditioning a dog or something? lol.

We all need positive reinforcement including those that are not so immediately accepting. Negative attitudes won't get anyone anywhere. Unfortunately you can never count on anyone else to be positive about it, so sometimes you have to take the high road, suck it up, and when you finally both share smiles together the bad moment will be erased from history.

Stay positive, be genuine, and smile a lot. Never forget to thank those that have shown even the slightest amount of acceptance or what they have done for you even if it wasn't much at all. It sounds like they will open up, I think you are definitely on the right track

[bethany]

Today I finally got to talk to the director of nurses about having the staff refer to me as Beth and use the pronouns that go along with said name. He told me that once I legally change my name they will have no choice in the matter. So I asked him where does that leave me when I go full time if I haven't changed my name by then? his reply was "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." So in the mean time  I'm stuck hearing them call me by my birth name. I'm tempted to get the ombudsman involved but that might make waves that I can't handle yet. So I'll just put up with it for now and see where it goes. I'm hoping that the people working here that consider me their friend will call me Beth but for now I won't push it.

Now I have a question. In the state of Massachusetts does one need full SRS to obtain female status? The reason I ask is because I'm not planning on full SRS just an orchi.

[Devlyn]

Have you checked our Wiki? This is from the Legal section: http://susans.org/wiki/Category:Documentation_changes

[bethany]

Thank you Devlyn, I had not looked through all of the wiki, and still haven't. So much information to absorb with all of this.

[StellaB]

Oh wow... What a great topic.

I think to be honest we have to bear in mind that most other people don't share our reality, they probably never get misgendered or have had to struggle to establish their gender identity. Therefore it can be difficult for them to understand the discomfort it causes or the implications involved.

I'm also a believer in having to choose your battles, otherwise you're just going to end up getting stressed out and upset over all the negative stuff.

Quite often I will let it go. Usually people slip up unintentionally.

When I decide not to let it go I will usually try and get them to use first names as in 'My name is Stella, your name is...?' This way you can turn a potential conflict into something more positive.

I admit that sometimes I have made an issue of it, usually when I've pointed it out two or three times without any effect. A plumber who insisted on calling me 'mate' in my home was told to leave and I have made a complaint when it's happened in a supermarket or petrol station. This is usually when it's happened and I'm in front of a queue of people.

I have also been given the same line as what Bethany Dawn posted in her Facebook response. My response to this would be 'So if a friend has a baby how much time would you need to adjust to accepting the sex of the baby?'

One of the biggest lessons in my transition was learning that, in choosing to reject the comfort of male social privilege in order to live as a woman full time, learning to accept discrimination in subtle forms and totally ignore it or discount it is part of what being a woman is all about.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Remember, there is also no reason YOU need to address THEM correctly either eh.

I'd start calling them incorrectly, and give them names of the wrong gender and address them as if they were the opposite as well.

Shove it in their face to either do it freely willingly and for the right reasons, or it's war.

I wouldn't put up with crap like that, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to do so as well.

Just tell them for instance that barring any real reason, you might even treat them as if they were all homosexual as well.

People need to get over the idea that we can't fight back. They need to deal with the truth, we can be just as mean as they can be.

[Jennygirl]

\
People need to get over the idea that we can't fight back. They need to deal with the truth, we can be just as mean as they can be.

Hmmm... yeah... I'm not so sure how far that would get me

We have plenty of ways of fighting back. #1 is simply existing / being present. I feel like as years go by, society as a whole is becoming much more tolerant / respectful to transgender people. If you ask me, being mean is kind of a setback. For certain people I think it might be the only option if they are just not receptive at all, but I would use it as a last resort. Still haven't had to go there yet and I don't plan on it

[Lesley_Roberta]

Well as the hugs threads shows, it's better to be nice, than not.

But really sometimes you will meet people so dedicated to hate that they need to seriously see what they are giving out, and be shown precisely how it feels.

I'd rather respond with 'hello mam' to 'hello sir', but I don't mind it when a total stranger just doesn't know I am not a sir.

When the person has been told and told and told again, and is around you all day long and simple plans to ignore your needs, then screw there too.

[bethany]

Remember, there is also no reason YOU need to address THEM correctly either eh.

I'd start calling them incorrectly, and give them names of the wrong gender and address them as if they were the opposite as well.

LOL I had actually thought of doing just that, but I was brought up to show respect to others and take the high road. What I will  start doing, is stop responding to my birth name.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Failing to respond to anything but YOUR name would be the Ghandi approach It's not mean or rude or disrespectful, it's just a refusal to cooperate.

Sorry I didn't hear you call me, so how was I suppose to know you were talking to me?

But I did? I called your name.

Hmm last I checked, that wasn't my name. And I would know my own name eh.

[StellaB]

LOL I had actually thought of doing just that, but I was brought up to show respect to others and take the high road. What I will  start doing, is stop responding to my birth name.

I think most people are brought up to show respect to others and take the high road, but it doesn't stop them from taking offense when they're addressed inappropriately.

I think the key to these sorts of situations, as with many others, is to be able to walk away leaving other people in no doubt as to who really has the problem or issue, and who hasn't.

[bethany]

I just received a copy of the residents rights of where I live.
"Quality of Life - The facility must care for you in a manner that enhances your quality of life"
"Dignity - The Facility will treat you with dignity and respect in full recognition of your individuality."

I read those two rules as the staff must address me per my wishes.