Hitting a wall, and need transition help.

[Steffo]

My name's Steffeny. I'm very new to the boards, so I apologize beforehand if this is in the wrong forum area or a repost, but I took some time and it seemed like this was the right area.

I started understanding what being transgender was about this time last year, came out in May, and it's been a tough road. I started to have severe anxiety and couldn't work at the brand new job (benefits, 401k, free phone, the works) as a woman. I ended up resigning and moving back into my Mom's place after being away from the home for 7 years. I'm 30 now and in my small hometown. My car broke down, but I wouldn't leave the house if it wasn't due to agoraphobia. I don't have any support outlets other than here.

I look passable and can go out in public, but I can only go out with somebody else (which is tough since I don't have many friends). I sound like Barry White, and my anxiety and depression are keeping me from training my voice.

I have no money for therapy, hormones,  or any kind of surgeries. I've thought about going into the adult industry, simply because it seems more welcoming to who I am. I'm not suicidal, I feel it's a coward's way out, but I wish I was. I envy the dead on a daily basis.

I want to transition, but I don't know what to do. I can't see any local support groups because I have no transportation. All I do is eat, sleep, stay occupied with TV and internet, and cry.

[KayCeeDee]

Hi Steffo, why don't you try chat? That can provide some support in place of getting out.

[Jennygirl]

So sorry steffeny, agoraphobia is no easy thing... I know. I battled it for a while after college when I was going through some heavy life changes and a flare up of GID.

One thing I found that really helped me out was changing my diet. You'd be surprised how much what you eat plays a role in your ability to cope with anxiety and depression, which is very much linked to agoraphobia.

I don't know if you already have a good diet, but there is a wealth of information online that might aid in your healing. Just search for "anxiety diet".

Also I read this book to help get over my panic attacks, it taught me so much how to deal with and overcome my anxiety. Breathing techniques, reassurances, the whole nine yards. It was super helpful to me and I have been panic attack free for 7 years
http://www.amazon.com/Coping-Anxiety-Simple-Relieve-ebook/dp/B002BSGXQO/

Good luck. Glad you are here

[Steffo]

Thanks guys. I've tried chats a couple of times. Some are good, others are just raunchy and annoying.

As for my diet, I eat a lot of meat, cheese, and bread. I drink a lot of beer. I know it's not the healthiest thing, but it's the only thing that makes me happy, and now that I'm at home with my Mom she wants to make dinner, buy snacks, or just not eat alone. I have no self-control or impulse control. It's tough and I have a gut that stares back at me as a result.

My Mom is getting slowly upset at the fact that I can't get a job or go out in public as a woman. She's supportive with a roof over my head and food to eat, but she stops there. Doesn't make any effort other than that.

[Jennygirl]

Steffo- hang in there!

You can do this. It sounds like you feel stuck! I am well aware of what that feels like. You feel totally useless, incapable, and depressed. I have been there.

You might try taking small steps outside of your comfort zone, or try to think of something that makes you happy that you can do outside of home or even just outside in the sun in the backyard. Something that you can do privately, and work your way up to breaking this state you're in. Small steps!

What about going for a walk somewhere secluded but safe? Somewhere where you won't have to worry about being seen. Just need to get that blood flowing

You can do this! One small step at a time.

What's your small town like? I used to live in one in Ohio

[JoanneB]

As for my diet, I eat a lot of meat, cheese, and bread. I drink a lot of beer. I know it's not the healthiest thing, but it's the only thing that makes me happy

Four out of four with the wrong things to eat!

Self medicating with "A lot of beer" is ONLY going to make you feel worse, wreck your sleep, and pack on the pounds with those empty calories.

Change the diet. Start talking some long walks during the day to suck in the sunshine, enjoy the amazing world around, make some endorphines, and burn a few calories. Also find a few good books to help you re-think or reset that brain which is in a death spiral right now.

Silly question.... How can you manage with agoraphobia going into the "Adult Industry" vs something more conventional? If it weren't for the general anxiety you did have a normal job with stability and benifits.

[Steffo]

I live in a sub-division where everybody knows me. And they are a lot of older women that get bored and like to peek out their windows at you. It's not very welcoming at all. There's no way I'm walking around for their entertainment in here, and I have no access to transportation.

Four out of four with the wrong things to eat!

Self medicating with "A lot of beer" is ONLY going to make you feel worse, wreck your sleep, and pack on the pounds with those empty calories.

Wrong for you maybe. I like eating these things. And I like being drunk. I'm not an alcoholic, and it's not "Self medicating". There's a HUGE difference. And coming to that conclusion just from me saying "a lot of beer" is assuming. I sleep like a baby btw.

Four out of four with the wrong things to eat!

Silly question.... How can you manage with agoraphobia going into the "Adult Industry" vs something more conventional? If it weren't for the general anxiety you did have a normal job with stability and benifits.

Silly answer - As for the agoraphobia, it's more specific to going out in public. I don't mind being on camera. A camera doesn't stare or judge. And I wouldn't need stability or benefits if I was making that kind of capital. It's a moot point regardless though, It's not really on the top of the priority totem pole.

[judithlynn]

Hi Steffo;

I too have suffered with panic attacks over the years and have transitioned once after I told my wife I was TS, then out of financial concerns stop the process. Its the worse thing I could have done.

OK here is what I suggest:
1. Drop the beer immediately. If you must drink - drink red wine  in moderation (good for your heart) or white wine
2. Protein is good, but dump the cheese especially processed cheese.
3. Take some exercise. Swimming is good or an exercise bicycle, or even long walks. Good for burning calories
4. Go out but dress androgynously if you get feelings of panic.
5. If your backyard is not overlooked try sunbathing in a bikini or just bra and shorts - get some Vitamin D
6. Forget the adult industry - this is bad news

Talk to the girls on here. A few of us are on Skype or Chat.

Take care

JudithLynn

[Jennygirl]

And remember, there is nothing wrong with taking it really slowly! One thing per week maybe? Especially with diet, don't overwhelm yourself all at once.

Even just tiny changes at a time can make a big difference in how you feel

[Steffo]

OK here is what I suggest:
1. Drop the beer immediately. If you must drink - drink red wine  in moderation (good for your heart) or white wine
2. Protein is good, but dump the cheese especially processed cheese.
3. Take some exercise. Swimming is good or an exercise bicycle, or even long walks. Good for burning calories
4. Go out but dress androgynously if you get feelings of panic.
5. If your backyard is not overlooked try sunbathing in a bikini or just bra and shorts - get some Vitamin D
6. Forget the adult industry - this is bad news

Talk to the girls on here. A few of us are on Skype or Chat.

Take care

JudithLynn

1. White wine is pretty good and fairly cheap.
2. Not dumping anything. Especially cheese.
3. I can't get out of the house, but inside is fine. I have exercise equipment here that I can use. Just getting the motivation to do so is tough when you just don't care about much as it is.
4. Dressing androgynous would make me just as anxious, and I would get an even greater sense of dysphoria by doing that. I'm all or nothing. If I have to go out, it will be male or female, nothing in-between.
5. My backyard is overlooked so that's a no-go. I'm taking vitamins.
6. Saying a blanket statement that the adult industry is bad news, without anything to back up that claim doesn't mean much to me. And it depends on the person; what somebody is willing to do, or likes to do for that matter. Sometimes it's not even about the money.

I'm willing to talk to anybody on chat. I'll have to pass on Skype, I'm not a big fan of video chatting unless it's necessary.

Thanks for the advice, JudithLynn :3 <3, and Jenny you're right, slow and steady wins the race.

[SophiePeters]

Hang in there,  i'm in the somewhat of the same boat atm financially screwed so stuck from moving forward unemployed and living at a friends house. I lucked out and have been able to maintain my HRT thus far but i feel completly stuck in place with what i want to do.  not a good feeling i know.   As for the adult industry its totally up to you hun if you dont have the inhibitions then why not try it.  I did Webcam work for about 3 months leading up to HRT as a "gay" man and TBH it was actually alot of fun.  theres a few creeps one in particular that really upset me but for the most part normal people as far as i could tell who were just lonely.  I spent more time talking than working and made pretty decent money about a dollar a minute per user in private chat.  first night i made something like 60 dollars in 15mins.  its what got me through all the therapy sessions financially.   You will know pretty fast if you are cut out for it.  oh and if you do it dont drink on camera when waiting for peeps omg i did some pretty freaky shows plastered and i barely remember them.