Genderless, Confused and Numb

[Keira]

Until now I never really saw how I was different from other people of my age; not in the way that I am trans, but in the way that I see gender.

As I kid I had no conception of gender, I didn't relate to characters in books, didn't want to grow up and be a man/woman. Although I constantly had "crushes" on girls...I'm starting to think that it wasn't about love or sex, but more of being able to relate to girls better than boys. When I was a kid, I soon learned that if I wanted to fit in I had to pretend to be a boy; in fact I did it too well, I was the pervert of the class. The irony was that I was only being that way for attention, because it was the only way I knew how to fit in. At the time I thought that all boys were pretending to be tough and mean; so I pretended to be the same. I wasn't gender atypical, I just didn't understand that my gender didn't match my body.

Years later, in high school I still had the same "crushes" on girls; these feelings would continue. Because of years of pretending I have become numb and apathetic to emotion and life in general. While other guys looked forward to becoming more masculine, I honestly didn't know what to think.

This numbness only makes me more confused, how can I tell if I want to transition if I can't feel happiness? How do I know that transition will make my life better?

Can anyone relate to my experiences? Or am I just making this all up?

Whenever I talk to a cis person they just say that I'm "perfectly normal to feel like this". Is it normal to have pretended to be someone else for the majority of your life?

[Heather]

". Is it normal to have pretended to be someone else for the majority of your life?

For me it has been! But it doesn't stay that way forever. Once you start being more open about yourself and stop putting on an act the better life gets. 

[Keira]

For me it has been! But it doesn't stay that way forever. Once you start being more open about yourself and stop putting on an act the better life gets. 

It's sort of like I lost who I really was in the act of pretending...like the fake persona overtook the real me.

I'm trying to be my real self..but I'm not sure how...and It's hard to be yourself when your not 100% sure of your gender. I feel like its just going to turn out as me making all of this up; just like I was confused about being gay or bi...

[Heather]

It's sort of like I lost who I really was in the act of pretending...like the fake persona overtook the real me.

I'm trying to be my real self..but I'm not sure how...and It's hard to be yourself when your not 100% sure of your gender. I feel like its just going to turn out as me making all of this up; just like I was confused about being gay or bi...

I know how you feel when I first decided I was going to transition I had too ask myself who am I really? When you spend so much of your life trying to be somebody your not. Its easy to forget the person you really are. And I'm still trying to figure out who I am if that makes sense? 

[Keira]

I know how you feel when I first decided I was going to transition I had too ask myself who am I really? When you spend so much of your life trying to be somebody your not. Its easy to forget the person you really are. And I'm still trying to figure out who I am if that makes sense? 

I guess it's sort of like I missed a big portion of my life developing and relating to other people: instead I spent my time creating an alternate masculine persona.

As soon as you start to realize that you aren't your persona everything that you are unravels. It's not like I didn't know I had created a persona...I just thought that all guys created a persona...

What small things can I do to transition?

[aleon515]

Take a look at the androgyne subforum. Might be able to identify to some of this. It's possible that's what you are-- someone who is truly not in the gender binary.

There are others who feel this way because they don't connect to their natal gender.

You can't know this without exploring it a lot more.


--Jay

[Keira]

Take a look at the androgyne subforum. Might be able to identify to some of this. It's possible that's what you are-- someone who is truly not in the gender binary.

There are others who feel this way because they don't connect to their natal gender.

You can't know this without exploring it a lot more.


--Jay

I'll have to explore that a bit more. At first glance it would make more sense overall.

Thank you both.

[Heather]

I guess it's sort of like I missed a big portion of my life developing and relating to other people: instead I spent my time creating an alternate masculine persona.

As soon as you start to realize that you aren't your persona everything that you are unravels. It's not like I didn't know I had created a persona...I just thought that all guys created a persona...

What small things can I do to transition?

It may seem like your missing a big portion of your life. But you really are young and most people don't start to figure themselves out until sometime in there twenty's. So you have plenty of time to figure yourself out.

[Mosaic dude]

As I kid I had no conception of gender, I didn't relate to characters in books, didn't want to grow up and be a man/woman.

I can relate to that. 

Really, as far as identity goes, I think most people just make it up as they go along regardless of whether they're cis or trans or whatever.  It's okay to explore your identity.