I feel forced to lie to the gender therapist

[Ultimus]

So there are no gender therapists within 2 hours of driving distance, so I found one on Skype.

In 2012, I saw the gender therapist and he asked me to stop masturbating so that we could disassociate my sexual fantasies with being a woman. I failed miserably, I couldn't stop doing it, and so I quit seeing him.

Now in 2013, I'm back to seeing him. He asked me to do the same thing again. I only made it 3 days. He's going to ask me tomorrow if I abstained for the week, and I feel the need to lie, because it costs a lot of money to see him, and I can't afford to waste visits because I can't do what he asks me to do.

It's going to be very embarrassing to say that I couldn't stop masturbating. He compared stopping that to stopping smoking and that I don't HAVE to do it and that my brain just plays tricks one me. He makes it seem like it's easy to quit, but it's very hard to quit. It seems a little unreasonable to ask someone to stop doing something that's such a primal urge.

The reason I'm seeing him is not so that I can get on hormones...I'm already prescribed those, but I'm trying to figure out if I'm really transgender or not. Knowing that, would you lie or tell him the truth? I don't want to waste money.

[A]

Tell him the truth. You'll never move forward if you don't. You need him to help you find out why it was so hard and what you can do to improve.

PS: I could never stop masturbating for much more than a week - often not more than one or two days - before my testosterone was suppressed. And masturbating made me feel so very awful, every time. In the last year, I've only masturbated twice, I think, and both times were to test if I would like it now that I was rid of testosterone. (Answer: no.)

So don't feel like a pervert. And if you still have testosterone running through your body, take into account the very strong, uncontrollable need that testosterone creates, artificially. There doesn't have to be a link with wanting wo be a woman. Make sure your therapist understands that, and he won't be able to say you're just not trying hard enough or something.

By the way, when arousal comes, distracting yourself might work. Reading an interesting book, doing exercise, etc. Not a guarantee, of course, because testosterone is evil and hard-working, but it's saved me a few times in the past.

[Rena-san]

Shouldn't you have figured out if you were transgender or not before you started life altering hormones? Even in a very low dose taking hormones trans or cis can have huge effects.

I would not lie to this therapist. You need to tell him you couldn't stop masturbating. The first step in facing a problem is admitting you have a problem. If you can't stop doing something for three days you have a problem. It seems like you may be liying to yourself and not even realize it. About a number of issues too.

I think he's right though, you need to seperate sexuality from gender otherwise you won't know whats what and whats driving you. You gotta do this for yourself though. There is nothing he or anyone is can do thats going to help you figure out who you are. My best advice for you would be to start telling yourself the truth. If you have a masturbating problem admit it. If you have a conflict with your gender and your body admit it. Until you do those things, I think you should consider stopping hormones. I really do. What if you decide a year from now that you weren't transgender. You stop hormones. Settle down with a wife with all intentions to procreate and realize you can't. You sterilized yourself. In my opinion you're wasting money on hormones because you're taking them before you even know for sure if that is what you want.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong here or jumped to conclusion. I apologize in advanced for offending you or anyone else. But this is what I believe.

[MaidofOrleans]

Part of the realities of having a male body and having T flowing through you is your going to have a very high sex drive and because of that an extreme desire for sexual relief. Masturbation fulfills that desire in lieu of a sexual partner.

The fact you need to masturbate is not the issue, it's what you are masturbating about.

Are you sexually aroused by the idea of being a woman or wearing women's clothing? It's important to separate fetishes or the like from actually being transgender which is not a wholly sexual thing though sexually is part of it just not all of it.

That's the big one.

I personally masturbated a lot pre-hormones. My fantasies were always sexual encounters as a woman with a man. Anything else did not turn me on. Not the act of being a woman or dressing as one or acting like one but that I actually having sex with a man as a woman. It's a challenging thing to differentiate and it confused me for a long time especially during my puberty years. I finally came to realize that this sexual desire was not related to wanting to be a woman but that my brain was female and saw myself as female and thus had the sexual desires of a straight cis female but the sex drive of a male (which sucks)

You won't get your answers if you lie, that's what he is trying to help you do. you lie the whole process is pointless and possibly driving you in the wrong direction towards more suffering.

[Seras]

I assume if you're paying him then you trust his judgement. You already have hormones and all you want is his opinion on whether or not your trans. So why would you lie? If you lie you're wasting the money.

If the whole point of you paying to see him is to get his opinion then lying to him would make his opinion worthless as he would be basing what he says to you on falsehoods.

[Ultimus]

Shouldn't you have figured out if you were transgender or not before you started life altering hormones? Even in a very low dose taking hormones trans or cis can have huge effects.

I would not lie to this therapist. You need to tell him you couldn't stop masturbating. The first step in facing a problem is admitting you have a problem. If you can't stop doing something for three days you have a problem. It seems like you may be liying to yourself and not even realize it. About a number of issues too.

I think he's right though, you need to seperate sexuality from gender otherwise you won't know whats what and whats driving you. You gotta do this for yourself though. There is nothing he or anyone is can do thats going to help you figure out who you are. My best advice for you would be to start telling yourself the truth. If you have a masturbating problem admit it. If you have a conflict with your gender and your body admit it. Until you do those things, I think you should consider stopping hormones. I really do. What if you decide a year from now that you weren't transgender. You stop hormones. Settle down with a wife with all intentions to procreate and realize you can't. You sterilized yourself. In my opinion you're wasting money on hormones because you're taking them before you even know for sure if that is what you want.

I'm sorry if I'm wrong here or jumped to conclusion. I apologize in advanced for offending you or anyone else. But this is what I believe.

Oh no, I'm not on hormones. I have a prescription I can pick up at anytime, but I don't currently take them.

[JoanneB]

There is no way he can help you with your quest to sort out who you are if you lie not only to him but especially to yourself. It is very easy for someone to walk into a therapist, tell them what they need to hear, and get whatever clearance letters you want. Or, as my teen self did, tell the therapist  what he needed to hear so everone will think that the repeated stashes of clothes my mon found in the back of the closet or under the bed was "just a phase".

There is no way you should start hormones without having a pretty clear idea of what the answer is for yourself. I'll admit the fantisy of starting them was powerfull in my early years. Just as powerfull as the fantisy of having a female body.

The therapist is getting paid to help you sort out where in the broad TG spectrum you are today. If you want that answer you'll put in the hard work. And it can be difficult as all the questions start flying in your head and tetter on the verge of an existential crises most of that time.

[translora]

I agree with those who say you have to be honest -- and complete -- with your therapist no matter what. Without that, you're not getting what you are paying for (though that's really the least of the issues dishonesty raises).

But I'm struck by the request. I've never heard of a gender therapist making such a request of a patient before. Has anyone else ever been instructed to stop masturbating?

[Chaos]

The request is a indication of a few things to the doctor.1) hormone levels and 2) mental state.Along side this,there needs to be a border line between the body and mind.Men and woman are much different in aspects of sex and need.As with the male hormone,the need increases while with woman it decreases and becomes an emotional aspect.A *woman* would have no issues stopping such things because their drive is not there like a mans is.(please-i did not say they can NOT do it or wont do it,im just stating mentally,their needs are different) so i believe this is why he asked.

[MadelineB]

Most charitable thing I could say about the shrink is MAYBE they are trying to distinguish the relief from dysphoria that is provided by cross dressing, vs simple relief from a strong sexual urge with a fetish attached. Therapists that focus on masturbation though tend to raise a red flag for me though.

Not that many years ago, many gender "experts" followed a theoretical framework that made hard distinctions between fetishistic ->-bleeped-<-s (male identified, deriving sexual gratification from dressing as female, often driven to masturbate each time they dress/ dress each time they masturbate) and "true transsexuals" who had identified as female since a young age and had no sexual arousal associated with female dressing. Patients who wanted to get approval for HRT and SRS who did not fit the neat categories, learned to lie to fit the diagnostic criteria that their therapist was following.

Some of those "experts" are still around, and their writings are still used to train new gender therapists.

More enlightened therapists understand today that it is the identity issues and dysphoria issues, not the masturbatory habits, that shed the best light on whether and in what way one is trans.

If the person isn't experiencing chafing, interference with daily life, relationship problems, or crippling shame about their masturbatory habits, they don't have a masturbation problem.

But maybe keeping a diary about suspected dysphoria, and what relieved it, would be helpful. While investigating this, they could relieve their sexual tensions in totally non-gender related ways so as not to confuse the issue.

[Cindy]

I'd send the therapist a copy of the WPATH guidelines, they are available on line.

[suzifrommd]

Are you sexually aroused by the idea of being a woman or wearing women's clothing? It's important to separate fetishes or the like from actually being transgender which is not a wholly sexual thing though sexually is part of it just not all of it.

Maid, though I usually love your posts, I'm going to have to disagree with this one.

No evidence exists that your sexual fantasies indicate anything about whether or not you are transgender.

People are turned on by whatever turns them on. True of transgender and cisgendered people. We're all turned on by different things. I'm sexually aroused by the idea of being a woman. Doesn't mean I'm trans. Doesn't mean I'm cis. Just means that's what turns me on.

In 2012, I saw the gender therapist and he asked me to stop masturbating

What a quack! There is absolutely NOTHING in ANY literature documenting benefits of stopping masturbation toward resolving gender issues. When did this guy have his education, the 19th century?!? Wonder if he thinks it'll make you go blind, too.

Knowing that, would you lie or tell him the truth? I don't want to waste money.

I would tell him the truth: "You don't know what you're doing. You're not getting another penny from me. My money is going to go to someone who has a clue."

[Emily Aster]

I tried to convince myself and my therapist that I wasn't trans because of masturbation. It didn't work. It just solidified it in her opinion. She wasn't focused on the fact that I did it so much as the mental topic. It was more the imagery and the when that made her think that though. I get aroused quite easily and have found no way to turn it off. It has nothing to do with dressing for me though. It just has to do with a trigger by thinking about sex. What I'm wearing at the time makes no difference and the imagery always involves me as a woman. I wish it was the other way around. Then I wouldn't be in this boat.

I think his heart's in the right place, but his brain isn't working. You can't turn off sexual desire by not fulfilling it. All that happens when you try is that the feelings become more powerful and overwhelm your thought process. Your thoughts are going to be much more clear after taking care of it than if you don't bother with it at all.

[A]

In defense of a possibly not so bad therapist, we don't know the context. Perhaps they did discuss some masturbating habits that raise questions, and perhaps separating that from dysphoria for a while is actually a good way to see things more clearly. And perhaps not masturbating for a while indeed does create a context in which it's easier to distinguish things.

[MaidofOrleans]

Maid, though I usually love your posts, I'm going to have to disagree with this one.

No evidence exists that your sexual fantasies indicate anything about whether or not you are transgender.

People are turned on by whatever turns them on. True of transgender and cisgendered people. We're all turned on by different things. I'm sexually aroused by the idea of being a woman. Doesn't mean I'm trans. Doesn't mean I'm cis. Just means that's what turns me on.

True but it's still a red flag not to be taken lightly. I will agree with you except i'm just trying to look at it from the therapists perspective as to why he is asking not to masturbate and see how dysphoria is affected. If someone only has gender dysphoria when they are sexually aroused it is a red flag.

[Natkat]

I dont think you should lie but I do understand you.
I actually had some problems after starting T cause I am so sexual, I currently I dont remember when I have gone more than 3 days without mastrubation (or other sexual pleasures)

even when this is pretty common for most people on T you can actually also be addictive to sexual plesures the same way you can be addictive to alcohol or smoking.

but this dose not nessesarry has anything to do with your gender, even if you have sexual fantasies who involds genders as female or male, dosent mean you are or arnt transgender.

[suzifrommd]

If someone only has gender dysphoria when they are sexually aroused it is a red flag.

Definitely a good point, though I didn't read that concern from the OP.

It seems like OP's therapist has almost changed the focus of the sessions. He's not even talking anymore about what arouses OP, now it's about why OP can't stop self-stimulation.

In contrast with what some other posters think, I can't imagine that to be helpful or constructive.

[Julie Marie]

Reading the original post, my gut was telling me the therapist wasn't addressing the reason the OP went to see him in the first place, but rather trying to control his client.  I've been post-op for 4 years now and I masturbated to within a week of GRS.  One GRS surgeon actually recommended that to increase your chances of being able to orgasm post-op.  I didn't go looking for a counter to that.  Orgasm feels too good.

There really isn't enough information to go on in the original post to arrive at this conclusion, but I'm thinking the therapist needs to brush up on his transgender skills.  The whole mental health aspect of treatment is changing very fast, as more and more people are finding the courage to come out and be themselves.  One can no longer sit on his or her laurels and expect to provide the best treatment for their clients.

[luna]

I had a therapist tell me the same thing. I fired him.

[Lorri Kat]

True but it's still a red flag not to be taken lightly. I will agree with you except i'm just trying to look at it from the therapists perspective as to why he is asking not to masturbate and see how dysphoria is affected. If someone only has gender dysphoria when they are sexually aroused it is a red flag.

I agree and believe that is what the therapist is trying to find out.