How does one know?

[VictoriasAngel58]

So my question to everyone who reads this and is MTF transgenderly oriented, how did/do you adjust your personality to fully understand what you truly believe you are on the inside?

The reason why i ask is because obviously i lived all 24 years of my life as male and i feel i have been brainwashed to follow the societal gender views of a typical male. I struggle with this because every single day i wish i was a female (born that way, it would have made my life so much easier for me now to say the least). I understand that females can like what males like and all but i just dont know that if by some chance i came around to transitioning down the road, would i fully be able to absorb and portray what i really feel i am?

Anyone who has been through these stages or knows anything about letting their inner female out.. any advice about this would be greatly appreciated! thank you

[Alainaluvsu]

You have to be proud of who you are. In my mid 20s I just wanted people to respect me and thought that'd be hard if I was some weirdo. But I just had to be glad to be different in a way, make sense? After figuring out that, it all came out

[Anna_81]

When I was lurking on here a few months ago I came across a similar post in which another member suggested to just relax and be yourself. I have been doing this for a few weeks now and it is working wonders, even my wife has noticed a lot of changes. I also feel so much more comfortable and relaxed, where as before I would always feel so stressed out and quite often end up with a lot of headaches. I know for a lot of people, me included we almost put on an act without realising it just to fit in amungst family and work mates. When I look back now, I can really see how much I changed just to fit in with the other males at work, which sucks as after putting on the act for so many years it's kinda hard to get out of, but I'm getting there slowly.

[VictoriasAngel58]

i struggle with being proud of who i am everyday. I dont like what i see in the mirror and i guess im just dealing, and trying to live my life in both worlds, but every single day i feel i am forced to live out my life to expectations of a male my age. i do understand what you are saying but after this many years of identity confusion and self hate, how am i supposed to let go of what i already know and do on a daily basis? i know that sounds contradicting but it like i said, its the only thing i know and have known forever.

For example: when it comes to me exercising i tend to lift heavy and ditch the cardio, always trying to gain size when in reality i want the opposite side of the spectrum, weight loss and toning so that i can transition some day and be what i would finally see as an attractive person, but a female person. So how do i break these habits? How do i get myself where i can finally say out loud to not just myself but every one that i am a female and i like these new things?

Call it having difficultly with change if you will, but every piece of me wants nothing more than to just not care what others think and live my life as a female (the difficultly lies with getting my girlfriend's approval obviously, but she's understanding and still loves me even though she knows i want to be female, but her family, they will never heard anything of it, neither from me or her because they are very close minded and set in their traditional ways. Sorry i do know i mentioned that a lot already if you have been following my posts ). I feel like over all these years i have formed a self expression block in my head and even my heart and i just cant seem to figure out how to break it and get past my male aspect. I struggle to get myself to break the barrier when it comes to looking at women's clothing, underwear, lingerie and bras, but i know for a fact that is exactly what i want.

basically, how do i find a way to straighten out my thought process so that i can finally show my true self? I know a lot of you have had to go through this already so that is why i turn every one here

[Cindy]

After struggling with this for ever I got the courage to seek the help of a therapist. After a life of being a highly regarded professional my fear level finally reached breaking point. I realised I was too afraid of being him and I had to be me (With acknowledgement to my sister Janet OBrien for the fear concept). I was terrified that I was going to lose everything.

I lost nothing.

I gained me.

I was 59 - a whole life of trying to pretend to be male. I was at the pinnacle of my male profession. I'm a woman, I'm treated as a woman, I'm regarded as a woman, I demand the respect of a woman. I haven't backed down a single step.  I thought I was at the pinnacle - I never realised I was aiming so low.

How to do it? Talk to a professional therapist, get help. You are 24, a young woman with her life in front of her. You can be happy, you can have a life and you can be a very normal woman with a life in front of her.

How to do it? Pick up the phone call your family Dr and ask for a referral to a gender therapist. The hardest steps are the first ones.

And we are here for you.

Cindy

[Alainaluvsu]

i do understand what you are saying but after this many years of identity confusion and self hate, how am i supposed to let go of what i already know and do on a daily basis? i know that sounds contradicting but it like i said, its the only thing i know and have known forever.

It takes time. My first step was going to the mall and getting some skin exfoliation stuff. I was so nervous somebody I knew would see me getting that and question my sexuality or something, that I almost didn't do it. But I did it. And the clerk even asked me if it was for me and I told her "yep!" I was so proud of myself... small step but I started from there.

You can do something like that, maybe strike up a conversation or a question / answer session with a clerk in a bath and body works store about something, whatever. Say stuff gradually that you would've never said because you're worried that somebody might look at you as less than a man. Eventually you'll have fun and wait for the opportunity to be seen as girly.

For example: when it comes to me exercising i tend to lift heavy and ditch the cardio, always trying to gain size when in reality i want the opposite side of the spectrum, weight loss and toning so that i can transition some day and be what i would finally see as an attractive person, but a female person. So how do i break these habits? How do i get myself where i can finally say out loud to not just myself but every one that i am a female and i like these new things?

It's just a long process. You'll just have to take risks by saying and doing stuff that people wouldn't expect you to do. If / when people call you out on it... revel in the attention. You can't be embarrassed of yourself though. Eventually it all boils down to when are you going to stand up for yourself and your happiness, and not worry about what everybody else thinks of you.

[JoanneB]

You have to be proud of who you are. In my mid 20s I just wanted people to respect me and thought that'd be hard if I was some weirdo. But I just had to be glad to be different in a way, make sense? After figuring out that, it all came out

A lifelong quest for me  With a lifetime accumulation of shame and guilt as well as other baggage from trying to live up to others expectations plus the heavily self imposed pressure to be a normal ______, you loose so much self-respect or self esteem.

I do go out of my way to present as clearly as I can an unabiguous female image. It is what brings me the most joy. Yet there is no getting around the fact that I have many traditional male talents that do not lend themself to a skirt and long flowing hair. But the are a big part of my essence. I cannot deny that side of me any more than I could keep on denying the female side of me

[Lesley_Roberta]

Well being female is a great deal more than menstrual cramps and breasts that's for sure.

It sure makes a lot of difference in the mind of those of society that can't cope with the fact that a vagina doesn't make you a woman, it just helps to get pregnant if you have the reproductive organs.

But what about women that can't have kids? Are they less of a woman because mother nature said no, you get to be infertile?

What about injury, if you lose something, does it disqualify you if it isn't present?

Does breast cancer and losing your breasts make you less female? Nope.

So being born with sex organs of a specific sort does NOT make you what you are.

You do.

Ask yourself to define female in your own terms. Do you measure up to your own criteria?

Female to me is pretty clothing, it's jewellery, it behaviour. It's how you wear your hair, its how you walk talk and act.

Shopping could just as easily be 'hunter' mode, or not eh. I love to shop. The guy rules state, get in, get your stuff, get out. I guess I am not much guy in that respect. I like to go in, wander, wander some more, check out, compare, price match, search in catalogues and chat with the staff. Shopping to me is a social activity. Speed is not required.

I prefer my clothes to be clean in decent shape, and worn properly. I care about my appearance. I can't put it to one gender though, as I see both males and females dressed in ways that make me shudder. How could she wear that? Doesn't that guy know how to do laundry?

I have come to realize though, some of my behaviour bothers me. I dislike aggression, I sure don't like mean people. I get annoyed with myself if I act too rude or offensive. Every time I fail to act like a lady it gets on my nerves. There's a lot of annoying conditioning to deal with. And the older you get, the more vexing removing some of it can be, or you find yourself with all the wrong gear.

I hate the way men's clothing always seems made to fit with too much extra space. I don't mind a bit of baggy, but come on, I want to have a reason for being in decent shape.

I have a good set of wood working tools. Sure power tools is so guy seeming. But it all depends on what you use them for I suppose.
I place just as much importance on shopping in bake ware as I do power tools when I am at Canadian Tire.

My music is most assuredly female choice I suppose. But I see plenty of young girls listening to the same nasty sounding, angry, hostile, rude and obnoxious stuff as the guys listen to. Me, my music is all uplifting, cheery and dancy.

[Rachel]

Seek out a therapist and an alli to talk about who you are.

There are some good books to read to help you understand the facids of Trans:
Wipping Girl,
She is not there,
My Gender Workbook.

Treat yourself as you would treat a friend, with compassion and understanding.

If you are alone ( not lonely) then seak out others like you to share common experiances, thoughts and ideas.

The long journey has many paths, none are wrong, and easiest done with small consistant steps.

[spacial]

You have to be proud of who you are. In my mid 20s I just wanted people to respect me and thought that'd be hard if I was some weirdo. But I just had to be glad to be different in a way, make sense? After figuring out that, it all came out

This is it. You start with you.

You understand and accept who and what you are.

Like many others, I spent years trying to find ways of not facing it. But it's always there

Even if you can't do much else, like me sadly, you benefit hugely from knowing and accepting yourself.

I also suggest that, if you do want to do more then starting by accepting and understanding yourself is a good foundation for success.

[VictoriasAngel58]

Thank you everyone for the input. It has been very helpful so far.

When it comes to this part of my life, i have a very hard time trying to organize my thoughts. It really feels like my life is a mess every single day and this weighs heavily on me. Its very hard to keep my head up, let alone preventing myself from slouching because i feel like i am carrying the weight of the world on my back constantly. Thats a feeling that I'm positive that every one here has felt at one point or another. I do feel even though i have had this female inside me all my life, that i am still in the starting stages of truly understanding who i am and accepting it. I have already told myself that i want to have a female body, i want the vagina, the breasts, hair, and everything that is entitled to the female that isn't for the male. As i mentioned before, i have some women's clothing and i try my best to make it work but it just depresses me knowing that its not meant for the body i have. Women have literally everything they want because they never get questioned as to what their motives are and well, as soon as i want to have that same liberty, I'm considered a freak.

I will say though that i have been very lucky that when i go into Victoria's Secret and ask to be sized for a bra, i have not been met with much ridicule. But i do feel that, that is a lot to do with their training and urge to make a sale for the company no matter what, and not so much a feeling of compassion for what i am going through, even though i do explain it the best i can and strike up conversation about it. I did buy a bra but like i mentioned in my introduction i was estimated to be about a 44B. For the stuff in that store, that is way to big and what kills me is that it is my favorite store by far. the highest they go is 38D i believe. So i bought the bra with extenders and tried to make it work and it kind of does to an extent but that just goes along with my depressed feeling in knowing that i probably wouldn't be able to portray my inner self in a fashion that i could consider desirable. Not necessarily to anyone else (especially males, definitely not interested in them lol) but to myself. I have never liked how i looked and even when i was playing football back in the day and was fairly in shape, i always saw a fat slob. Probably a strong case for body dysmorphia which could be something i had for as long as i can remember.

I guess i just want to let my inner self show and be who i will finally want to be. When seeing an attractive young female (such as my girlfriend) I become so very jealous (its bad to think that i become so jealous of my girlfriend, its definitely not a healthy aspect to a relationship, trust me) and i never know what to do about it or with myself. This urge is so strong but the anxiety just literally shuts down all my attempts to let this female out and kills them with the swiftness of the speed of light.

I do have a therapist currently but i do not think she specializes in gender issues. And after much research of my area, there really isn't any of them to speak of. The ones i do know of would skype with me but don't take any insurance and i do not have the money for those kind of bills now. that is partially why i turn to this website in hopes of finding that inner light to finally be me and not this pure darkness that I've known for so long now.

I do have a friend who knows about this but for me to keep confiding in them makes me feel like i am annoying them. They understand what i am going through but do not know what to suggest to make me feel more like the woman i really am. do i have any takers on here who could be a close friend who could help me? lol

thank you for reading all of this. i know its very long and hard to keep pressing through.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Victoria, this will sound weird, but it has actually done MORE for me than I would have thought.

Remember, when you are lamenting that you don't have a vagina, no real breasts to mention, the hair is all wrong and everything about you screams wrong body, all of the FTM members here are depressed that they can't casually stand in front of a urinal like the other 'guys', they have damned breasts that screw up their appearances, and once a month nature pisses them off with a blatant reminder of what they hate.

No one wants to treat them properly, they always open the door or treat them as delicate, and ask them annoying questions like 'don't you want to have kids?'.

It actually really shocked me to realize, that so many envy me my situation, and loathe all that I miss so much.
That and my often all the way on misandry, probably is offending people I'd seriously hate to hate.

It seems to those that can't relate to what it feels like to be in the wrong body, that are problems are not really serious problems.
But the number of people having 'our' problem, is actually double what you might think it is, because you need to add all the 'guys' wishing they didn't look like what we long to look like.

[Sweet_Steffy_Bee]

Victoria, I hear what you are saying!!!

I have known forever too hun. I know what its like..

I equate my life up to now kind of like this:

My 27 (eek) years have come and gone. I am at the end of one road and society is pressuring me to turn left or right. The only problem with that is either way I turn, it will be as Steve. I can't do that. I have been the best friend to misery my whole life and that's who waits for me in either direction. And turning back the way I came is out of the question.

So I stand here, looking left.. Looking right..

Then I look straight ahead.

Looking ahead, I see a lush, wide open field; bathed in sunlight and wildflowers.. Bumble Bees and Honey Bees buzzing all around, and the sweet smell of summer in the breeze..

That's where I am going. I just need to get across this busy T-intersection!!

Go back to Vicky's Secret. Get the biggest around bra they have which has fitting cups. Then go get yourself some bra extenders and make something happen! Cheers and best of luck! Keep smiling Victoria. Being true to you is the first step to a lifetime of happiness

[VictoriasAngel58]

Thank you steffy! that was great advice!

Just a couple of things though. I do already have the bra and extenders! (Yay! For courage ) but thank you again for telling me to do that. The idea of getting out there and finally persuing this issue of what I have thought myself to be and what I know I already am and the person I want to be in the future gets me all warm and fuzzy inside! but there is always one problem with me.

I struggle because like I mentioned before about the anxiety of this inner female who wants to get out and show herself as she really is and should be. But I haven't been able to let her out in the way that I want to. After reading a lot of threads on this website as well as the posts on this thread, I know it shouldn't be a problem and I shouldn't care and be myself. I want to but there is always something that holds me down and ties her up so that it doesn't happen. How do you accept yourself when yourself won't let you accept the inner female trying to get out?

What tactics did you all try/do to break these chains of self oppression?

[Sweet_Steffy_Bee]

Remember Victoria. Crawl before walking, walk before running,  and run before flying!

For me, let's say I want to go out as me. I look at it like stepping over the edge. Instead of clawing in anguish to keep from falling, I just figuratively hold my breath.. And let go.. You can do it hun. I know you can!