The problem of mother's/father's day

[Lesley_Roberta]

Ok so under no circumstances will I ever not be my son's father.

Hey I didn't push him out a birth canal, my wife did. I only got to see that she got pregnant.

She owns the mother label.

I will never be so female I can ever take that away eh.

But this year, as mother's day is approaching, well it is a bit vexing. Sure I can score a nice mother's day for the wife.

But, frankly I am not interested in waiting till June to get a 'father's day gift' that screams out guy stuff.

No, I don't want any of it. I don't want fishing gear, I don't want guy clothes, I sure don't want anything in the way of guy scent, or guy bath products. It sucks, all the things I do like the idea of getting, well, they're all mother's day items.

I usually can't suggest models, heck I own everything :
I have too many techie doodads.

Father's day is just becoming like Christmas, a day that has lost the point for me.

[Kaelin]

This is just an idea, so you can work with it as you see fit (or reject it outright):

Since Mother's Day falls on May 12 and Father's Day falls on June 16, maybe you can negotiate to have *your* day on a Sunday (or just any day) that falls between the two -- it won't be on May 12 itself as a nod to your wife's unique contribution, but maybe you can get it a couple weeks later (or perhaps 12 or 13 days later if Friday or Saturday work better for you).  If you want to look at it this way, celebrating two weeks later may be akin to being 60% mother and 40% father (but on years where Father's Day is six weeks later, this split would be more like 67% mother and 33% father).  You can position and reposition yourself as closely to Mother's Day as you feel you are (considering factors like childbirth and things where you "played dad," even though being male isn't who you are deep down).  Or you can simply just think of it as a belated Mother's Day for you, delayed so you and your wife each get your day.

Good luck in any event.

[Kaelin]

In some defense of Lesley, there are reasons for growing disaffected with these types of holidays.  A more simple and cliche argument to trot out is the growing commercialization of these days, drowning out "the real meaning" of the day, and it is not one I will elaborate on.

A more complex argument is that people do not derive (or realize they do not derive) so much satisfaction from the day, irrespective of creeping commercialization.  Maybe the associated traditions grow stale, lose meaning to a person, or possibly become painful or offensive (and this can entail commercial and non-commercial elements) -- one's values can change over the course of life, after all (maybe someone grows to hate the idea of lying to kids about Santa, maybe as a matter of principle of disliking lying and its corrosive impact on the adult/child relationship, but maybe also to protect kids who may wonder why other kids get better presents than they do and why certain kids get no presents at all).

Finally, there may also be tangential factors.  A gender identity-based conflict can certainly show up, such not getting along with extended family who reject one's identity and/or expression, or wondering whether one should celebrate as a "mom" or a "dad."

Those are genuine sentiments, although a person (for their own sake) would do well to salvage the situation when appropriate.  If you can't get along with extended family, you can try to celebrate with a smaller set of family, or with friends, or with an accepting community.  Or maybe someone can offer to celebrate Mother's/Father's Day (or Christmas) in a different way they feel is more in-touch with the people involved.  It won't always work, as there are other people whose situations and satisfactions are stake, but I think if someone is the singular focus of the celebration (for Mother's/Father's Day or a Birthday), that person's interests take high priority.  Other days won't be changed so easily, but reforming one's Mother's/Father's Day or one's Birthday definitely constitutes a victory (and might provide the lubrication needed to endure another Christmas and Zombie Jesus Day).

[suzifrommd]

The transgender group I belong to has a "transparent" day celebration, which is independent of mother's and father's day.

[Lesley_Roberta]

What is amusing, is Father's day was invented long before mother's day. Hmm typical of a male dominated world I suppose that they felt a need for yet more adulation eh.

Myself, I wish it could just be called Parent day and you got to make a fuss over your parents for them having you in the first place

As for Christmas. Well not being Christian kinda takes out the point of it eh. Then all you have left is the fat guy in the red suit.

And he's only good for a complete trashing of the family budget, and for what? so you can tell everyone how much love love them materially? It's why I am annoyed that Remembrance Day only gets 2 minutes of silence, when I think they deserve the whole damned day remembering them. They died for us eh, quite a gesture if you ask me.

I have recently decided that Christmas will go back to being about the baking, even if I have to do it myself. I think this last Christmas was likely my mom's best in years, as she got to spend it doing the baking she has not been able to do for years due to advancing years slowing her down. So I made her know she was still needed for that, even if she mostly sat and provided the skill and training.

Granted, I personally enjoyed it as a mother daughter bonding moment

Too many holidays have become about the money, or they are just a contrivance to generate a long weekend. They invented holidays in Canada a couple of years back in months not featuring a more significant calendar event, just to make the month possess a long weekend eh. The day wasn't the reason, the month just needed a reason to give the working class a long weekend.

I have absolutely no problem letting the Christians flaunt their holiday correctly termed and properly greeted eh.
I don't care if most of it is pagan sourced and stolen significance. I prefer it to be called a CHRISTmas tree, and the greeting is Merry CHRISTmas. Easter is not about bunnies and chocolate to them.

But the sad thing is, even the vast majority of Christians only see the material side as dominant.
To me, it is a time to gather the family, eat a massively awesome meal, eat incredible home made snacks and I must admit, I love watching 'that film', the wife collects versions of it. They say the one with George C Scott is the better one in keeping to the book.

Just because I am not Christian, doesn't mean I object to being invited to their party eh.
I also don't mind going with mom to her church on religious based events. I am just not in need of memorizing the creed any more. I wouldn't be doing the communion ritual either.

But as I go through the next few years, no doubt some calendar moments are going to be awkward.
Valentines day and anniversaries while dining out ideally, I were to get my wish, would look like two lesbians celebrating eh.
Well ideally, I'd be sitting at a table in a restaurant enjoying an anniversary, and we'd both look like women.

Father's day will always be the trickier moment though. Yet another reminder, that my set of testicles is how I was given the gift of my son. Not a set of ovaries.
After all, two lesbians could be celebrating a wedding anniversary or enjoying Valentines, or Easter or Christmas.
My birthday will be no problem as long as the realize have my wish list will be things for women.

Right now, as I speak, the 'things I want' are t shirts made for women, maybe some femalish shorts, pants more feminine in cut, I have my eye on some things from Avon (jewellery in the Mother's day selections), and my current favourite perfume needs to be replaced soon. Or a model. I have run out of bake ware I require, and well there is nothing else out there I need. I am too efficient a shopper eh. I suppose they can get chocolate and bath products and cookies at any time of the year.

[spring0721]

Lesley,

I really like what someone else said about negotiating a day inbetween mothers and fathers day, so that it's your day. Personally the only advice I can offer you is to just make that day about you and your son. It's not 'how' your son got here...as in what you contributed to make him, it's about how you have raised him. Parents that adopt are still celebrating these days with their children and they didn't lend neither egg nor sperm in creating their children.

As far as the gifts that are given to you, maybe tell your son that a material gift isn't needed, that all you want is the precious gift of his time spent with you. I mean even if he bought you feminine bubble bath and a variety of other mother's day type gifts, is that gift really going to matter 10 years from now? I normally make my parents something and spend the day just the two of us.....that's what makes it so special. I'm so very glad you have been blessed with your son and I know you cherish each moment with him....so whatever day you celebrate it on, I know you'll have fond memories

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

A child can have two mothers.  I am not saying you should go down that route,  just that it is possible.  Lesbian parents are often both called mother,  even though only (up to) one births the child.

[Cleopatra]

This is an interesting debate and one that has no single answer.
My boyfriend is in the transition process and has children that are happy to relate to 'Mum' when she is a girl and 'Dad' when in male mode. The children have their maternal Mother too. Clearly this is a situation that we are building on and it does present problems but when dressed as a girl we found it difficult and for them to relate and call him Dad.
I think it does depend how the children have been raised and is not an easy decision either way. If anyone wants to discuss how we went about this we would be glad to help.

[Sarah Louise]

I am the father of my children, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to get flowers and a feminine card on "fathers day".

[Lesley_Roberta]

Very good points raised.

I'd love to be called mum and my wife be called mom

But the real person that counts is my son. And what he gave me for my 50th birthday will ensure my son never needs to want for anything. What he wrote for me completely destroyed my worries about what he might think.

He's perfection. I had to have done my job very well I guess.

Good point about adoption.

I live by a belief in connection to kids. You get the child you raise. Aside from medical troubles, basically all of your child's behaviours, habits and mannerisms, they are almost always the mirror image of yourself. Don't like the way your kid is behaving, go and yell at the mirror in the bathroom, as the person looking back is the reason in almost every instance.

I have kept a lot of little things my son has given me over the years.
Little moments in time that are my treasures.