Good luck. Hope for the best, expect the worst, and prepare for the unexpected. I have been married nearly 12 years and came out to my wife 5 weeks ago today after several months of therapy and counseling. She and I had a magical relationship, and many commented on it who knew us.
Anyway, for the first week after I came out she barely spoke to me without saying things that were mean-spirited, hard to hear, and angry/sad/lonely. She was (and remains) deeply hurt. Quite literally we would not be together for more than a couple of hours without crying. A couple of weeks ago we turned the corner, and at least became civil. She has said she supports me, and understands why I need to explore my transition, but she also made clear she is not a lesbian and even moved out of the house for a bit. Lately she has been more supportive, and even offered to help with any SRS or other medical treatment needed, but also made clear it would be as a friend as she thinks we will end up divorced. That she even is considering that means she at least is coming around to acceptance.
If you want to make it as easy as you can on your spouse, there are a few things you should consider preparing:
- Get information for her ahead of time that explains gender dysphoria, ->-bleeped-<-, etc. She may not want to talk to you for awhile, or even read it, but having it available for her to read on her own schedule is helpful. My therapist recommended Jennifer Boylan's "She's not there", Helen Boyd's "My husband Betty", and Joanne Herman's "Transgender Explained for those Who are Not" My wife said she got something out of each, but hated reading the content as it made it painfully real.
- Prepare to be outed by your wife. She is going to be in a low point, and may or may not run out the door or leave at some point to seek support from family and friends. It happens.
- Go slow. Remember, you have had your entire life to think about this. She has not. A day or two after coming out, she may have stopped crying and there may be a semblance of normalcy. Don't use this as an opportunity to talk about clothing sizes for women's pants, or how to paint your toenails. Patience - if the relationship lasts, there will be time for those things. Mainly, just give her time and let her process the information at her pace without throwing new stuff on.
- There are some great resources about coming out on the Wiki here. Definitely read through them.
- If you have not come out to others, find a friend or two that you can trust and consider telling them. It helps having support.
- Get a good therapist if you don't have one already. It has helped me with perspective, and if my marriage is saved it will be because of her.
Good luck - this will be one of the toughest things to do. I would still not change my decision, but it was and is painful.
Toni
