Overcoming guilt in relationships

[Pianoandpage]

Hey ladies,

So I have been talking more often with my wife about gender in general and how I'm feeling more and more feminine. One of her concerns is my safety while out in public. She is disabled and can't be with me when I go out and since I don't pass she has very valid concerns that I am opening myself up to possible hate crimes. I have been very lucky in that I haven't experienced bullying, intimidation, or aggressive behavior but I also know that it is a very real possibility.

I hate that she worries so much and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt that by expressing how I feel inside I am causing her so worry. I'm actually thinking of taking a self defense class just in case and to give her some confidence that I can take care of myself out in the world.

I'm the kind of girl that tends to trust automatically and believes in the best in everybody until proven otherwise. I tend to not over think certain things and I know that while my wife admires these qualities in me she also worries that they will lead to my being taken advantage of or my being hurt emotionally or physically.

To her, being a woman has proven time and time again that she is subject to degredation, abuse, humiliation, and violence. I think having such negative associations with her birth gender make it extremely difficult for her to simply support my journey to embrace being something that has caused her so much pain. I completely understand, but it does make me feel like  I'm somehow not supposed to look forward to being more feminine and expressing that.

As a note, I am very codependent and have gotten some help from a coda support group. I realize I struggle with it quite a bit.

I'd appreciate any tips, advice, and/or stories about living as trans out in the world and how you deal with negativity. Thsnks!!

[Lesley_Roberta]

There are ups and there are downs to having been born in a male form.

At least one of the ups, is being in a male form potentially (for some of us at least) means, someone attacking us will not be met with a petite female frame.

Hey I dislike my being 225 and solid right up to the point when it gets physical.
Then it becomes 'this cane I use, you realize it is made from a hickory sledge hammer handle correct? Just checking to make sure you saw it'.

Anyone trying to be mean to me, still needs to get past the fact I used to deliver furniture, and I am used to shoving around very heavy objects.

My wife on the other hand, does not have this aspect.

I too walk the streets with the idea , no one is laughing at me, or about to attack me or anything like that till proven other wise.
It is possible we sometimes listen to our fears too much in this respect.

[Pianoandpage]

There are ups and there are downs to having been born in a male form.

At least one of the ups, is being in a male form potentially (for some of us at least) means, someone attacking us will not be met with a petite female frame.

Hey I dislike my being 225 and solid right up to the point when it gets physical.
Then it becomes 'this cane I use, you realize it is made from a hickory sledge hammer handle correct? Just checking to make sure you saw it'.

Anyone trying to be mean to me, still needs to get past the fact I used to deliver furniture, and I am used to shoving around very heavy objects.

My wife on the other hand, does not have this aspect.

I too walk the streets with the idea , no one is laughing at me, or about to attack me or anything like that till proven other wise.
It is possible we sometimes listen to our fears too much in this respect.

I agree, having a male body or at least frame and weight does give me some peace of mind that it would be a lot harder for any would be attackers to perpetuate an actual assault on me.

I guess that's the silver lining right?

I remember getting cat called by a bunch of construction workers outside a venue while with a cis-female friend of mine and feeling simultaneously flattered, embarrassed, and frightened. It was certainly an eye-opening experience.

I think it's a good thing that I'm optimistic about people being accepting or unaffected but I also wonder how much fear is healthy?