A new beginning

[Erin Kay Howell]

A quick update.. ill post more later when I can.

After hours of awkward silence, crying, and a strangeness about our relation ship. My wife said word for word, "I love you no matter what and always. Ill never leave you no matter what or who you are.. inside or out."

Now I cant stop crying because im so happy. Now the weight is beginning to lift from me.

Anyway I didnt want anyone to worry about me here so I thought id drop a line. Ill post again in depth later.

Thank you all for your kind words, without you I might not have made it through the night.

[Rachel]

Fantastic news.

[DeniseD]

Good for you Erin! I came out to my late wife a few years back, she had already accepted and supported my crossdressing, but then I threw this into the mix. And being the loving, caring person she was, she accepted the addition of TG and said I could go as far as I wanted except no SRS. And I was fine with that, truly I was. She passed away last year and my life was in a complete turmoil for a while, I finally met someone that was again a very caring and sharing person, my gender issues did present a stumbling block, she said she could tolerate a little of it but preferred to not deal with it. No worries there as I sent her an email a couple of days ago telling her that we could be friends but I did not think there was a relationship in our future. Long story short, my email made her so angry that she told me too never contact her again, I miss her terribly, but life goes on. Dealing with gender issues between yourself and a SO can be tricky indeed, I think you have been blessed with a wonderful wife much like my late wife was. Good luck to you as you continue down this road, it can be rocky at times, but we find our real selves as we move down that road!
DeniseD

[Ltl89]

I am very glad to hear everything is getting better!!  Even though it is all terrifying, there always seems to be a big light at the end of the tunnel with coming out.  This may very well be the start of something very amazing for you -and your wife!!

[DirtyFox]

Great to hear you are feeling better. Life is a tough journey but it is definitely worth every bump.
Sending you all my best.

[Erin Kay Howell]

So I was just told that everything will be ok as long as I dont change my physical appearance.

So in other words shes not ok with this and its gone back to the awkward possible divorce stage.

I want to run away from all this.  I told her I wont change and thing or talk about it anymore. I effectively will be denying myself for her.

I feel like dying. My depression will be coming back soon im sure. The only one thats been there for me.

[Ltl89]

Hey Erin,

Have you thought about going to joint therapy with your wife?  Even though she is not 100 percent behind this, she seems willing to learn and accept this side of you to a degree.  I know there are some therapists who specialize in gender issues and are willing to meet with spouses as well.  It may do you both some good.  Please, try to think positive.  Depression is terrible and causes us see only the bad.  Your wife sounds like she really loves you and cares about maintaining your relationship.  So that's a good thing!  I really think it would be good if you both explored this together through therapy and support groups.  Have you asked her about this?  If so, how did she respond?

[Erin Kay Howell]

Sorry if anyone say that last post. I just removed it. No one needs to worry im fine. Maybe not mentally but physically im still here.

I dont want to leave my life. Ive decided im still going to speak with a therapist and find out if theres something I can do to make myself do what I need to do to get on the right track.

Again im so sorry if anyone read that last post. I shouldn't speak like that here nor should I be making those threats to myself I am sorry.

I just keep asking is losing her worth being happy? Is being happy more or less important that being true to yourself?

[Beth Andrea]

Well, first things first:

You can't be happy if you aren't true to yourself.

If she truly loves you, she'll be with you no matter what, but unfortunately I've seen too many spouses( men and women) who leave once the person they married changes...not just TS, but burn victims, cancer, car accident, war, etc.

It's just a fact of life that many, if not most, spouses cannot deal with change. Ask yourself this--if she realized she was FTM, and wanted the whole deal, surgery and all...would you have stayed with her? (Assume for this that you are NOT TS)

It's a tough row to hoe, that's for sure. But always be true to yourself. In the end, "you" is all you've got.

[spacial]

So I was just told that everything will be ok as long as I dont change my physical appearance.

I think there's a load of space there for negotiation.

I have to agree with Beth but equally, know from 30 years of my own marriage, that it's all compromise, on both sides.

Having seen marriages end I know that this always happens when one refuses to compromise further.  You both need to rediscover your common ground.

When you're feeling better, that will make a lot more sense.

[cassandracav]

Your situation sounds not unlike mine. When I first came out to my wife, she cried, yelled and shutdown on me. I just wanted to take it all back, to make her smile again. Thankfully, I was already in therapy and I knew from discussing it with my therapist that no matter what I said or did, taking it back was not going to be as seamless as it sounds.

My wife went through the same stages of grief as yours: outright threatening to leave me, saying it was fine as long as I never changed physically, to now where she's at the point where she doesn't 'prefer' this life but is open to it. We still have fights and hang ups, but the more we communicate the better. Its a give and take, but most of all she needs time to process it all and you have to be strong, honest. Don't agree to anything you will regret later, but also be gentle and listen to her needs as well.

[Shannon1979]

Beth is right you cant be happy unless you are true to yourself. You may be able to create an illusion of happiness for a while, but it will eat away at you gradually. So eventually you could end up worse of.

I know it seems hard now, but in the long run you need to do what will actually make you happy long term. Nobody can tell you what decision to make. Though it sometimes feels like it would be easier if they could. You have to decide this yourself, and you will have my support whatever that decision. Just remember one thing if your transgendered you are transgendered. Its not something you can just wish away. trust me ive tried and i ended up spending a year in a therapy group because of it.

[Erin Kay Howell]

I wish I could wish it away. Truly. Being transgendered has done nothing but eat at my life and cause more problems then I would care to share.

I'm trying to either get in a group or talk to a therapist but everytime I call I always get an answer machine. I am stuck in my head until I can find someone. And I kniw I told my wife just forget it I wont change the way I look. But I really really really want to, I know that would make me feel better.

A cant have the cake and eat it too situation.

[Erin Kay Howell]

I finally got a hold of a Dr. And I go in to talk with him tomorrow at 9am

[Joanna Dark]

I know being trans sucks but you're prob going to have to embrace it if you want to be truly happy. You don't sound very happy now but you're taking the right steps by being honest with your wife about your feelings.

It seems like your wife is dead set against transition and you really can't blame her. She married a man. But, if you really are trans, transitioning is the best thing in the world. So you really need to figure that out. It sounds like you are, but you are also really attached to your wife as well. That's a tough situation.

I don't know what your sex life is like but I'm assuming you have sex and from her POV, she prob likes, wants, and needs certain things from a man. By transitioning, you're taking that away. So you have to consider her needs as well if you want to stay together. Respect, honesty and compromise are the keystones of a healthy relationship.

EDIT: I reread your original post (Your blog didn't work) and I realized your around the same age as me. Plus, you both really haven't been together THAT long. It's long but you're both at a point where you can both start over and have healthy, complete lives. Putting this off or denying it, only hurts both of you in the end. Plus she now knows and she won't unknow it. I would transition if I were you. Of course, I am transitioning, so there's that and I'm biased.

[Beth Andrea]

Re: sex and a woman's "certain needs...from a man."

There are men who have lost the function of, or in some cases, the organ itself...and if the woman loves him, she will adapt.

Then there's the emotional component...you won't be able to play the role of The Man, instead the relationship will be more lesbian-ish...which, from what I understand, is a much more 50/50 companionship than the typical hetero marriage (I'd believe that to be 80/20...the man brings in 80% of the income, and the woman spends 80% of the income)

So yeah, there will be changes in the relationship...deal with them, negotiate for them...but don't sell yourself out just to keep her.

Best of luck, hope it turns out for the best!

[Erin Kay Howell]

This is going to sound horrible but im prepared to lose my wife to make myself happy... but im scared to actually do so. In my mind its crystal and I know what to say and how to say it. Its just putting it into action that scares me. Im so afraid to say anything else to her about this that we've started a dont ask dont tell sort of thing.

I feel im walking on egg shells for her . But I am going to see a therapist tomorrow so hopefully ill build some courage to say something eventually.

[Joanna Dark]

There are men who have lost the function of, or in some cases, the organ itself...and if the woman loves him, she will adapt.

Then there's the emotional component...you won't be able to play the role of The Man, instead the relationship will be more lesbian-ish...which, from what I understand, is a much more 50/50 companionship than the typical hetero marriage (I'd believe that to be 80/20...the man brings in 80% of the income, and the woman spends 80% of the income)

So yeah, there will be changes in the relationship...deal with them, negotiate for them...but don't sell yourself out just to keep her.

So the wife should become a lesbian? When she's prob straight? Usually when you try to force something, it breaks. If the wife is Bi, it will or could work. If she is straight, it will not. Sometimes things are black and white. From what the poster is saying, she has zero interest in sex with a women. I know lots of women and some, not all, find the idea of being with another women repulsive. The same way a man would prob break it off with her wife if his wife were to be an FTM. UNLESS THE GUY IS BI.

And becoming impotent is world's away from becoming a woman. Yes, I'm sure relationships have survived where the man becomes impotent but even then...she's 27. A woman peaks sexually at 35. I agree, I don't think the OP should sell herself out. But you can't negotiate someone into being something they are not. Sometimes, it's nobody's fault.

EDIT: I've been in a situation not all unlike this. The difference being that my ex-fiance knew I was trans and pretty femme from the get-go. In fact, the whole reason she went out with me was because I am the way I am. She said when we first started going out that when we started dating she was looking to date a woman and that I was this ideal middle-ground, because I'm emotionally and mentally very female (apparently). She even asked one time when I was in the Sears Auto Center looking for a battery that why I was trying to be so macho and that it doesn't become me and that it's not the person she met and fell in love with. I had a list of things to get I neglected to tell her that so it was prob weird why all the sudden I was so interested in cars and tools. I wasn't. Not that a woman can't like those things (not saying that), it's that it would be like if all the sudden your SO shows a whole lot of interest in something you wouldn't think they would.

In the end four or so years later, turns out she wasn't so lesbian-inclined and the relationship ended. BADLY. It was painful for both of us. I couldn't stop crying for six months. Every turn was a trip turn ex-girlfriend memory lane. Then I started drinking very heavily and then tried to be a whole lot more masculine to win her back and my life spinned out of control. This was five years ago when I was 25. I was going to trnasition then but I got sidetracked for five fracking years. But that's over now and I'm back on track so...I may me rambling and I'll shut up. Sorry. But hopefully that helps the OP somehow.

[Angela???]

My heart goes out to you, I know your pain.

I destroyed my relationship with my first wife by coming out to her. She hated me and still dose, not that I care! She would not even talk about my issues, she married a man and wanted nothing different.
I like you was upset about destroying the relationship that I had at the time, problem was there were young children involved. So I put my happyness on hold to be with my children.
I have now re-married to a beautiful lady that is very caring and understanding, and loves me for me!
My wife knew about my crossdressing before we even wet on our first date, I hid nothing from her, and still she married me.

I told my wife about 2 months ago that I can no longer hide who I really am, I am Transgender were the words I used in the conversation. My wife cryed and was upset, but not with me. She understood how I felt as she had gender issues herself, but decided that having children was what she wanted more than anything! The idea of not being able to have another child was what upset her. So the compermise is we have another child so she can fulfill her dream of having 3 children. Easy i like children as I am the stay at home parent as it is. So another won't make any difference.
I am lucky to have my wife, as she has no problem with any of my transition , even srs if that's what I want. She even stated she would never leave me as she love me for me, not for what I look like, and she understands that I will still be me, the person that she married! I love her with all my heart that's for sure, she is my world!

I hope you can sort something with your wife, but most of all be happy to be yourself!

Hugs

Angela

[ford]

So the wife should become a lesbian? When she's prob straight? Usually when you try to force something, it breaks. If the wife is Bi, it will or could work. If she is straight, it will not.

Adding my two cents...I'm FTM and my husband is straight. It can work. My husband and I were best friends first. Sex is a pretty small part of our relationship. So far, he has been very accepting; I have been presenting male (and frequently pass), and we still do all the things we used to. Sex has changed, although it hasn't stopped.

Just wanted to say that there is hope; a lot of it can depend on what kind of relationship you have with your SO. Best advice I can give is to be very open with your plans, and to GO SLOW with your transition - a pace where your spouse can keep up. It's been hard for me to put the breaks on, but it's the least I can do to keep my husband comfortable as each little change comes.