A new beginning

[Joanna Dark]

That's awesome Ford. It's great things worked out for you. You're right it is a case-by-case thing and it's hard to know what will work out and what won't when you tell your SO you're trans. I certainly don't want to freak the OP out more than she already is. It would be interesting to know the statistics on how may relationships survive when one person is trans. I guess we're such a secretive bunch that you'll never really know.

[Beth Andrea]

So the wife should become a lesbian? When she's prob straight? Usually when you try to force something, it breaks. If the wife is Bi, it will or could work. If she is straight, it will not. Sometimes things are black and white. From what the poster is saying, she has zero interest in sex with a women. I know lots of women and some, not all, find the idea of being with another women repulsive. The same way a man would prob break it off with her wife if his wife were to be an FTM. UNLESS THE GUY IS BI.

There's a lot more to intimacy and sex than just the ol' in-out. And non-in/out sex details don't matter whether you're male or female, or even a eunuch...the only form of sex that is specific to lesbianism is cunnilingus...which is a learned "taste" anyway.

And becoming impotent is world's away from becoming a woman. Yes, I'm sure relationships have survived where the man becomes impotent but even then...she's 27. A woman peaks sexually at 35. I agree, I don't think the OP should sell herself out. But you can't negotiate someone into being something they are not. Sometimes, it's nobody's fault.

The conversation was specifically about losing the man-parts, which = sex. That's why I used the comparison of injury or loss.

I understand about not forcing someone into what they're not...that's why I let my ex use her reasons for our divorce, rather than my own (which were different than hers). But this is a two-way street...the wife should not force Erin to be something she's not.

EDIT: I've been in a situation not all unlike this. The difference being that my ex-fiance knew I was trans and pretty femme from the get-go. In fact, the whole reason she went out with me was because I am the way I am. She said when we first started going out that when we started dating she was looking to date a woman and that I was this ideal middle-ground, because I'm emotionally and mentally very female (apparently). She even asked one time when I was in the Sears Auto Center looking for a battery that why I was trying to be so macho and that it doesn't become me and that it's not the person she met and fell in love with. I had a list of things to get I neglected to tell her that so it was prob weird why all the sudden I was so interested in cars and tools. I wasn't. Not that a woman can't like those things (not saying that), it's that it would be like if all the sudden your SO shows a whole lot of interest in something you wouldn't think they would.

I wouldn't bat an eye. (My ex would probably use a bat on my eye...)

In the end four or so years later, turns out she wasn't so lesbian-inclined and the relationship ended. BADLY. It was painful for both of us. I couldn't stop crying for six months. Every turn was a trip turn ex-girlfriend memory lane. Then I started drinking very heavily and then tried to be a whole lot more masculine to win her back and my life spinned out of control. This was five years ago when I was 25. I was going to trnasition then but I got sidetracked for five fracking years. But that's over now and I'm back on track so...I may me rambling and I'll shut up. Sorry. But hopefully that helps the OP somehow.

Sorry to hear about the finality, especially after having such hope! I would've loved for my ex to even be a little lezzy...for that matter, I'd have loved for her to give me the time of day! LOL!! But, alas and Woo-HOO! it wasn't to happen...

[Erin Kay Howell]

Thank you all for your kind words.

Again I am amazed at how everyone has come together on this, I truly dont deserve this. I've been alone my whole life due to this and to hear others talk with me and try to encourage me to be ME... you have no idea how this has touched me. I am forever grateful no matter what the outcome is in my life. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

With that Ill be getting some sleep, I have an appointment with a therapist as I've said earlier in the morning.... and then five 7pm-7am shifts back to back. Its taking a lot right now to calm my nerves. But I know I can sleep a little easier knowing that I have such the online family I never had before.

-Erin

[JenniL]

OP. I wish that everything works for you in your relationship and you are definitely not alone in this.

I will give you some insight about my situation a couple of years ago. It didn't work for me. My ex tried to work with it, but in the end honestly she wanted a man and not a woman. It wasn't really about the sex. Though I still game, I still travel and do most things I did as a man. I am not that anymore and she knew. It is a sexual orientation thing at that point. Was I crushed absolutely. But I am grateful she gave it a chance to see if it would work between us. Please understand this isn't the case for everyone, and I am envious of those that have relationships that stay together.

The only thing is don't force her to accept you, or stay with you, or do idle threats and such. That is just bad news for everyone and most likley will end up bad. However if you are truly happy with who you are and and you need to transition go for it, you just have to be prepared to accept the good and bad though.  Whether or not you sacrifice your happiness for hers that is your choice that you have to make and only you alone can make that.

You have to take it nice and slow and try to work it out and if it works out break out the wine glasses and celebrate. If not, at least you know you tried. That parts sounds kind of cold but when it was over between me and my SO, I definitely was crushed, but I also gain some comfort that she tried to make it work and unfortunately she needed a man. She is my best friend, more of a sister now. Not teh best outcome, but I think I was fortunate it ended in a positive way.

This place is always here for help and advice

Jennifer

[Erin Kay Howell]

Im freaking out. I dont know where else to turn... I had an appointment with a therapist at 9am.... its 9:40 now and my nerves are shot. I cant even begin to explain my anxiety. I wasnt able to find anyone else in this area and I wont have another time ti talk with anyine for at least a week.

I really need to get in there. I dont want to go home again without this.

Im one messed up cookie for sure.

[Beth Andrea]

Did you miss your appt?

[Erin Kay Howell]

Ive been here since 8:45. (Sorry for all this updating like this. Its probably not the place for it.)

[Beth Andrea]

Ive been here since 8:45. (Sorry for all this updating like this. Its probably not the place for it.)

*hugs*

Here, have some Skittles...nothin' like a sugar rush to find your happy again...

Was your T a no-show? What happened?

[Erin Kay Howell]

Ok I finally got to see him. He was running late and had accidentally put me for last week. Lol everything is fine and im glad I got to talk to someone about this. He told me I really needed to come back so im scheduled again for next week. Oh also... hes gay. So tuat comment about a cute therapist that I made... scratch that haha.

I feel a lot better. Not much but vetter then before. Hes super nice and totally underatands me  and keeps it fun I reallylike that.

[gennee]

Erin, I'm happy that your life is headed in the right direction. I came out as transgender nearly 8 years ago at age 56. I didn't know I was trans until then. My wife was shocked  when I told her. It was an adjustment for her seeing me in women's  clothing.

Today, she accepts me as Gennee. I came out at my place of worship. Everyone embraced me. I've been married nearly 33 years. Yes, it can work. It takes patience and time. It's a lot for the spouse and other family members to digest. No one can live life for you and you have a right to be happy. 

[Rachel]

There are three pieces you will need to work on, the mind, the spirit and the body. Your are in transition but have no direction or information. The therapist is a great start. Susan's please is great too. I recommnd you ask the therapist for a recommendation of a book or two for you to start with.

I know you want to explode and it is natural. You finally are starting to accept yourself. You will be on an emotional roller coaster. The slower and more methodical the ride the easer it is for all the passengers. It is a long ride so relax, breath, plan and then act. When you speak words they have meaning and impact and you can not get the words back.

I have no filters with respect to LGBTQIA and think everyone is part of the letters. To my surprise they are not. Also, i thought I would get compassion and understanding from my wife and was I surprised. I know as I learn more about myself and accept more of who I am then everyday there are new disphoria issues to address. It get really tiring and taxing until you just give into your inside sex and realize it is a matter of time the outside will need to better align. You call the shots at to how much and when. You are in control of your true destiny for the 1st time in your life.

[Erin Kay Howell]

Wow my last post was full of typos. I apologize.

Im still feeling great. I was actually dancing in my car on the way to work tonight lol. I know what I need to do to be happy and im going to go for it.

My wife is starting to research TG and slowly starting to talk about it a little more. Baby steps. We will see how thats going to go but im prepared (at least I think I am) to face the challenges ahead whethrr I go it alone or not.

I cant wait to start HRT and feel better about myself. Thank you all for the support I really needed the help.

[Beth Andrea]

Wow my last post was full of typos. I apologize.

Im still feeling great. I was actually dancing in my car on the way to work tonight lol. I know what I need to do to be happy and im going to go for it.

My wife is starting to research TG and slowly starting to talk about it a little more. Baby steps. We will see how thats going to go but im prepared (at least I think I am) to face the challenges ahead whethrr I go it alone or not.

I cant wait to start HRT and feel better about myself. Thank you all for the support I really needed the help.

Yay!! I'm so happy for you! Good luck with everything!!

[Ltl89]

I am glad to hear you are feeling better.  This is not an easy thing and there will be difficulties ahead.  However, if you feel the need to transition (partially or fully), than you may have to be willing to make sacrifices.  I know that is hard, but if this is truly what you want than you are going to have to consider that. 

I am glad that you are in therapy and discussing this with a professional.  It is also nice to hear that your wife is openly discussing this with you and trying to learn.  It is very clear that she loves you and wants to be there for you.  I think that is great, and I'm hoping that everything works out for you.  It sounds like you are off to a solid start!!

[Erin Kay Howell]

Im beginning to open up to other people I know (online close friends of course). But still its a liberating feeling. This is going to he quick since im at work but I cant stop smiling at the fact that the people ive talked with are very supportive. Its pretty awesome

[Shannon1979]

Glad to hear that you have found some people who are supportive. I have a couple of good friends who are very supportive as well. These true freiands are the sort of people you want around at times like these.

[Erin Kay Howell]

Omg update......UPDATE!

I wanted to share with you all what my wife had said to me. We've really not talked about this for a week almost and the tension was high. She had begun to ask questions here and there since yesterday but we kept it light.

Tonight while at work she sent me this:

So I figured I would say this in a text because I just keep getting choked up on the phone and in person.... I love you more then anything in this world, you have helped me change so much and I would not be who I am without you today, I will stand by your side no matter what, thats why we got married. Because I have and will always have your back even if at first I dont always fully agree or understand. We got married for better or for worse and this isnt the worst so im not going anywhere. I hope that after whatever you choose you will not stop loving me and maybe we can have some sort of compromise in the future with all this because the thought of losing you or a divorce is killing me inside. I have been feeling the samr way I did when I lost you the first time and that was the worst feeling ever and I never want to feel like that again. And if our families never talk to us again then at least we have each other and thats just fine with me. I love you.

.... I .... no words.... happy... cant stop crying....

[Beth Andrea]

OMG, I'm crying now too...you are so lucky! Give that woman a big hug, forever!

[JenSquid]

That's excellent news! It sounds like you have a wonderful wife. I'm happy for you.

[Shannon1979]

Thats great news. So happy for you. It gives me hope that my situation my change in the future too.