When do you say "I don't want to talk about this anymore"?

[suzifrommd]

It happened again last night. A friend that I speak to periodically, decided to spend an inordinate amount of time "explaining" to me why my transition will be so hard on my teenage daughter. This is someone who is very perceptive and is one of the most supportive about my transition.

But it seems like a dense plurality of my friends feel the need to take it upon themselves to enlighten me to the possible effects on a teenage girl of her father's transition.

I have listened now to what must be hours of talk on the subject. I've written about it extensively (e.g. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,132473.0.html), and generating countless gray hairs going over it in my head.

I'm considering telling all my friends that the topic of the effect of my transition on my daughter is now off-limits. I hate to shut off an avenue of communication, but I really feel like I've heard everything at least eight times and if I'm still being stubborn and callous (I don't think I am), hearing it a 9th, 10th, or 11th is not going to change that.

Seems like a bit of a drastic step, but I'm afraid if I hear the spiel one more time, I'm going to say something I'll regret.

Alternatives?

[KayCeeDee]

I've just told everyone who has asked that my therapist and other therapists state that kids really don't care; they are a different generation, and leave pretty much leave it at that.  It helps that the eldest (14) knows and didn't really care.

[Devlyn]

I've noticd that people have "pet" topics they never seem to want to get off of. Call them on it, but nicely,  of course! Put on a big smile and say:

" Boy, you never get sick of banging away on that topic, do you? My kids are fine, I wouldn't do this if I thought it would hurt them. Thanks for being concerned,  but I have it under control, and you're starting to sound like a broken record."

Make sure you're smiling! Hugs, Devlyn

[StellaB]

Do you want me to be completely honest? I wish I knew.

I'm currently in the process of rebuilding my artistic career as a playwright and stage director setting up a small Fringe theatre in London. I've also expanded into independent film making.

It's took me a few years because I felt I had to explain but then I realized that when I did that people didn't take me seriously.

Now I don't explain, I just make a statement when I introduce myself. After that it's a topic beyond discussion. The good thing about doors is that you can walk through them in one of two directions. Some people still do, but you know after they close the door behind them it's not my problem.

Therefore I'm inclined to agree with you. Your being trans is your personal issue. Some people may disagree but it only really affects other people to the degree they allow it to or want it to. This is where the real choice about being transgendered comes into it - the choice other people make whether to accept it or not.

I mean let's put this into context shall we? Let's assume for the sake of argument that instead of being trans you were born with a club foot or some other physical deformity. Or you were confined to a wheelchair with spina bifida. Do you think you'd get people arguing with you that you don't really need that wheelchair?

In my case I just got fed up with explaining. It's stressful, it's emotionally draining, and it has a comparable success rate to teaching a cow how to ride a bicycle.

A few people however still feel the need to voice their 'opinions' and discuss the issue, like I'm hearing it from someone for the first time in my life.

I mean yes I agree with your friend that your transition is going to be hard on your daughter. But so too is/was puberty, so too is the breakdown of her first serious relationship, her first divorce, we've all gone through difficult experiences in life, but you know most of us have survived intact, learned from the experience and are better people as a result.

Perhaps you could try putting it to your friends this way 'It's Nature that chose me to be trans, I've learned to accept it and get on with my life. Can you do the same?'   

The only thing I'm clear about is my relationship to being trans. As for knowing about how to help other people get their heads round it as well, I feel just as clueless about that today as I did when I first started transitioning.

[KaylaW]

I've noticd that people have "pet" topics they never seem to want to get off of. Call them on it, but nicely,  of course! Put on a big smile and say:

" Boy, you never get sick of banging away on that topic, do you? My kids are fine, I wouldn't do this if I thought it would hurt them. Thanks for being concerned,  but I have it under control, and you're starting to sound like a broken record."

Make sure you're smiling! Hugs, Devlyn

Gotta agree with that right there. Sounds like what I'd say if I had the spine to let it leave my lips.

[Brooke777]

I have gone through similar situations quite a bit as well. I'm extremely good at redirecting a conversation, so that is what I do. But, if that does not work I think Devlyn's advice is a great way to go. Good luck hon.

[Beth Andrea]

When do you say "no more"?

When you get tired of it. And anytime you feel the other person hasn't taken you seriously the first time.

Although I have done as both Brooke and Devlyn have said (both good advice, btw), I've also had to be a bit firm with the person--"We are through with discussing this, thank you."

Sure, they might get peeved...but guess what? It's your life, your comfort level.

*hugs*

[Blaine]

I don't have all that much courage yet. I thank them for their advice and tell them I appreciate their concern, but I feel that my transition is really none of their business. I think I can handle my life, now they should go handle theirs. Hopefully I can get rid of some of formality of it soon. I get really wordy and proper when I'm on edge.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Family business is just that, Family business.  It is absolutely no one-else business.

[spacial]

Family business is just that, Family business.  It is absolutely no one-else business.

This ^ Completely.

[Lesley_Roberta]

My son is 19, he is a   t e e n a g e r.

People need to get a grip and realize, you don't figure in their world that much in today's world.

You are a meal ticket, someone that has the car to borrow, someone that provides cash for things.

But the bottom line is as is in most cases, YOU will not understand THEM. It isn't the other way around

Hey you can be the poster person for boring adult, and they will have trouble with something in most cases.

I tend to walk around mostly 'clothing optional'. It's well known, indicate you have arrived loudly or deal with it. I don't think my son is likely to be amused me being half dressed male mode or half dressed female mode in front of his friends.

And I doubt my son wants me lingering in male mode or female mode

I'm sure I'd be a nuisance if I looked like the ideal father or a clone of his mother.

They don't want us in their hair.

Hey we make the rules of the house, but, that doesn't mean we get any special power eh.

Male friends might react funny to me, and female friends might react funny to me. Both might be freaked out, and both might think I'm cool. You never know. I'm told his online friends think I'm cool based on them hearing things I say when I drop by his room to chat a moment. I do have to keep in mind of course, if I only have a shirt on, to make sure to know if the son is web camming during a game.

A parent can be a bonus in a child's life for many reasons, and you can also be a complete burden, and for many reasons.

Wanting to change from mr to mrs is just one of a long list of options actually.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks everyone for your perspectives.

I hope this doesn't come up, but I'm leaning toward a response like "you know, I've talked with people about this so much, I think the topic has pretty much been worn out".

I don't actually mind talking about my transition. It's only listening to a description of how horrible it will be for my daughter that I have no further patience for.

[couch tater]

The problem with talking about your transition with others, especially cis people, is that they think that since you've allowed the door to be opened on part of it, then any part of it is fair game in their minds.  I simply don't allow my transition to be discussed with people, especially friends. I told them what I felt they needed to know when I went fulltime and even that was limited. New friends don't even ask about it if they know that I've transitioned, hard to tell around here who knows and who doesn't though and I'm lousy at reading minds.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Everyone is different of course.

There is seemingly nothing I won't talk about, but, at the same time, there are no shortages of things best left out of the topics list with me if you can't handle the blunt truth as seen by me as well.

Some times, it is not me that has the problem, and I won't mind delivering it that way too.

Thus, some times people will get told by me to not go there, if they seriously don't want to get upset.

Some topics simply push too many of my own buttons too. And the best way to get your head ripped off, is to put it in the lions mouth eh

My Facebook for instance, I had to remove a person I call a good friend, simply because they couldn't see the truth of Facebook, you make comments, and others reply to the comments. The thing is, he had family confused and confounded by 'me'. And it was , well I am not hiding who and what I am, and I comment on the things people say and show on Facebook. So I told him I was dropping him from the list, we parted friendly, but it was sad all the same. But he likes to comment on a wide range of issues, and I have strong feelings on a range of things. And no, I am not going to just say warm fuzzies to the nice things and say nothing when something bothers me. And that was the thing, he wanted me to refrain from being negative. Sorry, I don't let people write my parameters on my own Facebook page

That's how Susan's place differs. Here it is her place, her rules. If I don't follow them, being told to leave is a logical result.
My Facebook, my rules I have a limited list of friends on it. I don't go hunting for people just because they have some vague connection to me through a friend of a friend of a friend that read the same book

I really only have one rule on Facebook. If you add me, the entire planet will see your material. I make everything public, I hide nothing. If you don't want it known, best not mention it on Facebook eh.

I have noticed though, some times with internet text only time delayed methodologies like forums where the entire cast of persons on a thread will not be interacting in real time, conversations can become out of sync or they can devolve into more than one conversation with persons coming and going at unpredictable rates. And in the process, I have found some times all you can d is state an opinion, be on record as having supported that position and then, what more is to be said? Some threads get to be little more than a dog chasing their tail with persons eventually repeating themselves and saying the same comment just different assortments of words.

That, or it is just a case of some people honestly think if they post the last comment, they win the argument
I have watched grumpy old men beat on a topic that was long dead, all so they could manifest some form of internet victory it would seem. That grew old real quick with me