Why don't trans people help other trans people?

[DirtyFox]

I have noticed something like this too, but there are great places (such as here) to talk and learn. All the LGBT organizations I visited, I was the first trans person to come. It was really strange as they didn't know what to do. So I have never met a trans person in person before. Let alone make any friends. I would definitely like to start something, even if it was small, in my area.

[Ltl89]

I think it depends on the person.  Some people just want to live their lives and not volunteer their time as an activist.  They may do this to remain stealth or because they are just living incredibly busy lives. Others just don't really care about improving conditions for others  However, I know women - even those in stealth- that have provided a helping hand to their fellow trans sisters.  That's the thing about any group.  They are made up of individuals who vary greatly in personality. 

[Lorri Kat]

We do help each other thru 'Networking'  which works the same in this community as in any other.   The more you go to different local group meetings, message boards, rallies e.g. marches, community awareness events and multiple group conferences the more connections you make.  The cavet,  you have to participate  and you have to talk to people to build these relationships up.   That can take a bit of time or sometimes it happens in the course of a few hours depending on how people interact.   There are also lists of Transgender friendly businesses on line, but one has to do the searching to find out if these companies are hiring in ones own  area.    My nails have been broken and bloody and that may have made me seem somewhat less then compassionate at times but I believe one needs to fight for what they wont. If not only to prove to themself that they truly are commited to their path in life and ready to travel down it but because life has a way of chewing up and spitting out those without focus and conviction, Employers can sense it in people if they have been in the game a while.  Thusly we come back to the begining; the more networking you can do in person the better you will become interacting with others as your true self and when you do have an interview you will be able to project yourself better and with confidence.


  As far as the girl not giving you the info, some areas are severly limited on services such as Therapists, Endos and Electroysis that are friendly which makes it hard to get appoitments when 'you' wont and within a distance you can travel.  With that said I still think it would be rude to covet the information I had on them from some one in need.  There are many groups in NYS that will help some are Transgender oriented others are LGBT.  There is just no clearing house for 'Transgender jobs' or openly Transgender hiring only businesses, which would be a form of descrimination in and of it self.

   Love me or hate me.  ....sings... 'What I am is what I am..  are you what you are --or what..  ohh I'm not aware of too many things.  ... I know what I know if you know what I mean..'   

[luna]

As far as the girl not giving you the info, some areas are severly limited on services such as Therapists, Endos and Electroysis that are friendly which makes it hard to get appoitments when 'you' wont and within a distance you can travel.  With that said I still think it would be rude to covet the information I had on them from some one in need.  There are many groups in NYS that will help some are Transgender oriented others are LGBT.  There is just no clearing house for 'Transgender jobs' or openly Transgender hiring only businesses, which would be a form of descrimination in and of it self.

I'm in such an area, and I felt jilted by my support group and their blatant inability to share even the slightest bit of information for an unfounded fear of losing something. I know several people in this area in the same position I'm in. I've already given them my therapist's information. She might be overbooked, but she might know other therapists that can help -- given that she's helped other transgender folk in numerous situations. And if I lose some appointments, so what?

Now I'm trying to join a new support group, more recently formed, that somehow has 7 times the membership but much fewer resources. Given that they try to share what they do have, they're obviously more focused on inclusive behavior than exclusivity within their own clique of a few key people. It isn't fair to call yourself a support group and then withhold everything important and helpful, especially in an area like this.

[StellaB]

Coming back, just out of straightforward curiosity.. why does the help have to come from someone trans?

Why can't it come from someone who isn't trans?

[Natkat]

Ohhh, I wasn't talking about activism (which is great of course). I meant more support in raising trans people up professionally. Funds and other programs designed specifically with an eye towards business. (Of which there are a lot for other groups, just non I've found as trans specific).

I belive every "professionally works" start in activism when we speak minoritys at least thats how I see it.
Someone get an idea to suport someone/something, go activism about it, and if they get big enough they start to become somehow of a more profecional status. (like in the movie MILK you see how its build from nothing to something) I dont think you can expect much of companys who dosent have anything to do with LGBT, after all, the world depends on Money and votes, and usunally theres not enough votes or money in transgender folks to make it a focus.

I'm in such an area, and I felt jilted by my support group and their blatant inability to share even the slightest bit of information for an unfounded fear of losing something. I know several people in this area in the same position I'm in. I've already given them my therapist's information. She might be overbooked, but she might know other therapists that can help -- given that she's helped other transgender folk in numerous situations. And if I lose some appointments, so what?

I been in pretty much the same situation but my country also very tense about those things cause we got an overpower who have tried to make things like getting homones from your doctor illigal and all kind of things and now its like 50%legal and 50%illigal.
that means when you go to an doctor its all a tense game, you know your doctor is in a risk to in worst caise loose his job if he have to many transgender patients, you also know that some of the transgender patients need a doctor. So your to gamble abit on what you morally belive is best, and somethimes I had refused information to 1 transperson but because I dont want to help but because I know if I help this 1 person it could mean I + maybe 200 other transpeople would be out of homones or something, and this could even also be this 1 person as well.
alot of transgender folks have been angry on that, ex my doctor refuse to take in people less than 18 which I sure also hate and many of the people less than 18 hate as well, but I know its because if he do it he will lose his job and me + everyone ells who take homones will be forced to to find another doctor in or outside the country.

I also had to refuse a guy who wanted to make a program to help transgenders on finding doctors in diffrent countrys and place and I told him I would not give him any information, its not because im selfish and dont want others to know, but because currently we are in a political fight which mean that if I out to many names I + alot of other people could get in big trouble.

I dont try to defend her not giving you the apointment, I just say that in certain area/countrys this is also the caise that you need to be very carefull all the time. I belive the only thing you can do to help this situation is to go agenst the Real problem as the reason why she wont hand you the information.
--

Coming back, just out of straightforward curiosity.. why does the help have to come from someone trans?

Why can't it come from someone who isn't trans?

sure cisgenders can help as well, but I belive most people prefern transgender because then they know there in somehow a "safezone" of not having to answer ignorant questions and such thing.
many cisgenders are cool with transpeople but still rather low in advice and understanding compared to a transperson, not to say everyone is, there is cisgender who is well informated as well and I dont see problems in them being apart, some of the most hardworking people I been around for the trans activism have been cisgenders.

[Lorri Kat]

Coming back, just out of straightforward curiosity.. why does the help have to come from someone trans?

Why can't it come from someone who isn't trans?

In short, it could.    The issue is though that most non-transgendered people do not really understand the internal complexities that we deal with.  While they may be compassionate and sympathetic to ones situation they truly cannot offer any empathetic assistance.  Its like a person who has never been around or raised kids giving a parental advise. They may believe they have an understanding about how things are but no functional or practial knowlege of how things are in reality day to day.

Transgender groups help in that they can offer this empathy as well as advise to TGs that are just starting out or at different stages in transition because many memebers have been there before.   Some TGs that are new to groups and being outside of their house or room even are scared ->-bleeped-<-less at even being around others like them.  I think some of us forget to a degree just how terrified we were when we first started venturing out because we have been out so long and know that many of the fears we had were baseless, allthough my first 'drive' out 30 years ago is still tattooed into my memory just as vivid as if it happened yesterday.  For that reason I can understand and help new people as I know their fear,anxiety, excitement is very real to them.  Some literally cannot stop shaking.   This is where its good if a group as a person that can help  TG's that are out for the first time in public.   A group I belong to has an  'Outreach Coordinator'  whos function is to help new TGs by talking to them before meetings or events to help facilitate them in attending and litteraly staying with them thruout the function to help on the spot should they have any issues come up as well as make introductions.  Usually after a couple of outtings  these new TGs will start to 'fly' on their own, embracing their new found freedom and life.    All for one and one for all.

LGBT groups tend to have fewer TGs at meetings and would have a harder time helping with some issues related to transition simply because 'like people' tend to be able to help each other better.  I know some do not quite know how to take or deal with us(TGs) still, even though  we were part of the Stonewall riots which could be considered the start of the battle for acceptance and equality for LGBT, but many do.  Any help is better the no help but there are distinct benefits from being around others that understand life from a TG point of view.

[A]

Because trans people, to some, are NOT a community. Or should not be. The view that we are an "oppressed" kind that should stick together is not universal.

I don't have a definite opinion, but I do understand this point of view. To be trans is to want to be "normal" in some way or another. There are circumstances, but in an ideal world, what trans person doesn't wish they were born "normal", as in, the right gender? It's not too far-fetched to think that a community doesn't make sense then, because you're not blending in as your condition sort of says you should want to.

One could also say that since the goal is normalcy - that is, to make being trans more normal and not a reason for discrimination whatsoever, as homosexuality is increasingly becoming - making a community or acting as one goes against the purpose. I very much understand the point that if you want something to be accepted, to become normal and okay, you should act like it's normal yourself. In the same way that teaching a child that "homosexuality is special, not really normal and heterosexuality is what's normal, BUT homosexuality is totally okay regardless" is going to be heaps less effective than teaching them that "people date people, regardless of gender, and some have a preference for one gender or another".

Basically, it's another view of how to make things better. As opposed to "we should stick together and fight", some think "we should just banalize it, instead of confronting people, and things will come together eventually".

I'm not saying this is right or wrong, or better or worse. I'm not very sure, myself. Just saying that's most likely one of the main reasons. And that it's not NECESSARILY wrong.

Also, even if we do consider that trans people are a community, there's also the lack of altruism/egoism to take into account. In the same way not every poor person who became rich will help those who are still poor, not all sad trans people who became happy will help those who are still sad.

[Charlied96]

A lot of people probably just don't want reminding of their past. I could understand that :-)

[Lorri Kat]

Over 40% suicide rate leads me to believe this community needs to reach out and help more then ever.   Our paths are our own to travel and I would never imply one is better or worse.  I got over being outed by association after just a short bit and choose to help when needed or asked.  I could just never let someone remain swallowed up by and hidden in the darkness alone as I once was.  We ARE a community of sisters and brothers!  Even if not all believe or accept that premise.

[Sarah Louise]

Where did you come up with the "over 40%" suicide rate?

I don't believe it.

[Devlyn]

I understood the number to be in the forties, perhaps that is the attempted rate. I was under the impression that the O/P was referring to financial aid for business purposes.

[Lorri Kat]

I understood the number to be in the forties, perhaps that is the attempted rate. I was under the impression that the O/P was referring to financial aid for business purposes.

Yes attempted.    http://www.nbcnews.com/id/40279043/ns/health-health_care/t/transgender-americans-face-high-suicide-risk/

There are no Federal grants for starting a for-profit business.  ....ok....there are a few but they are for very specific target groups and business.  http://grants.gov/

The SBA(small business administration) will help in securing loans but that is still predicaited on you qualifying for a loan with a banking institution.  http://www.sba.gov/category/navigation-structure/loans-grants/small-business-loans/sba-loan-programs/7a-loan-program#    main page:  http://www.sba.gov/

States may have grants for special intrest groups e.g. women, veterans, disabled, minorities, ect.  One would have to check for their state.  Don't hold your breath.

You can check your area for a Gay and Lesbian business association as well. 

100% financing is long gone.

[Alainaluvsu]

I hate to say it and I'll probably raise eyebrows by doing so.. but lots of times I don't want to be bothered by certain trans issues. I don't want to sound obnoxious or stuck up, but it gets tiring listening to the same thing over and over. It's to the point where I just want some friends that don't have these issues. My roommate is trans, my other one is a gay cis man, most of my friends are trans so I'm surrounded by it (LGBT) every day. It gets tiring enough hearing "I got clocked" or "Someone was staring at me" every day..

I'd love some (more) friends who are past the awkwardness of transitioning or who aren't even in the LGBT at all. It's sad to say, but whenever my roommate wants me to meet someone, I ask them if they're trans because most of us are train wrecks (I hate to say). It's hard to find one that has passed the awkwardness and is just living day to day as any other person. Usually, my trans friends aren't passing and are pretty messed up about it... or have not one ounce of femininity in their whole character (which is fine with me, but omg it's awkward in public or with some of my other friends...), or are beginning the process so they have a zillion questions to ask.

But I do still help. I help my roommate out with advice, I share my experiences with hormones and what I went through at first with them, give tips on how to pass better, attend meetings, etc etc. It just gets tiring and somewhat depressing to do at times. I wouldn't doubt that I was put on the earth to help this way somehow, but it can get repetitive for sure...

[MaidofOrleans]

Most trans people aren't in a position to help other tans people.

In my own experience I struggle just keeping myself afloat mentally and financially. I do what I can volunteering my heart and mind to others when I can spare it but it wears my already burdened self down. Most of the trans people I've met through support groups in the area are extremely socially awkward or obnoxious and I feel embarrassed around them. I know that's wrong in a way and maybe i'm being judgemental but I can't help it  In a way it's not so much their fault as they are a product of their environments.

The best I can do is be a shining example to the cis community that I come in contact with and destroy stereotypes and misconceptions in the hope that it will make future trans girls lives at least a little bit easier 

[JessicaH]

I hate to say it and I'll probably raise eyebrows by doing so.. but lots of times I don't want to be bothered by certain trans issues. I don't want to sound obnoxious or stuck up, but it gets tiring listening to the same thing over and over. It's to the point where I just want some friends that don't have these issues. My roommate is trans, my other one is a gay cis man, most of my friends are trans so I'm surrounded by it (LGBT) every day. It gets tiring enough hearing "I got clocked" or "Someone was staring at me" every day..

I'd love some (more) friends who are past the awkwardness of transitioning or who aren't even in the LGBT at all. It's sad to say, but whenever my roommate wants me to meet someone, I ask them if they're trans because most of us are train wrecks (I hate to say). It's hard to find one that has passed the awkwardness and is just living day to day as any other person. Usually, my trans friends aren't passing and are pretty messed up about it... or have not one ounce of femininity in their whole character (which is fine with me, but omg it's awkward in public or with some of my other friends...), or are beginning the process so they have a zillion questions to ask.

But I do still help. I help my roommate out with advice, I share my experiences with hormones and what I went through at first with them, give tips on how to pass better, attend meetings, etc etc. It just gets tiring and somewhat depressing to do at times. I wouldn't doubt that I was put on the earth to help this way somehow, but it can get repetitive for sure...

What she said.  If I can get past transition, I just want to live a normal life like everyone else. I try to help people now, where I can but I just don't have the mental energy to live in the "trans chaos" any longer than I have to. I have met some wonderful friends through this experience and I know they are lifelong friends but I just don't think I can stay in the "entry level" support for very many more years.

As far as venture capital goes, if you have a good business plan or product: it doesn't matter if you are trans or not.

[Alainaluvsu]

The best I can do is be a shining example to the cis community that I come in contact with and destroy stereotypes and misconceptions in the hope that it will make future trans girls lives at least a little bit easier 

That's exactly what I want to do. But it's kinda bittersweet to hear "I never would've guessed it... every other ->-bleeped-<- I've met is really just a boy in a dress but you're really a chick."

And yes, they really say every other ->-bleeped-<-....

[Carlita]

My therapist said 'don't go near the TS groups', for pretty much the reasons already discussed. Instead, she gave me contact details for four of her other clients whose situations were, or had been similar to mine (asking them if that was OK first, of course).

Of the four, one didn't respond (yet). Another called me and we talked but there were aspects of her situation I couldn't relate to, so that didn't go any further. but she was sweet and willing to help give any advice and encouragement that she could. The third was incredibly kind. We had a long phone chat and exchanged several long emails. She couldn't have been kinder. And the fourth was also a great correspondent and then we met up for lunch and really had a great conversation.

So I would say that I have received an incredible amount of help and moral support from MTFs. One other TS friend I have is fun and helpful, but also says that she finds it really hard to go over all the stuff that she spent years dealing with. It puts her back in a place she doesn't want to revisit, and I think that's fine, too. She's a good friend in lots of other ways, and really, I don't have a right to expect her to give me extra gender therapy for free!

One other thing: all the women I've been in touch with from this forum have been absolutely wonderful: open, kind and generous. Thank you, ladies!

[Bex80]

Most trans people aren't in a position to help other tans people.

In my own experience I struggle just keeping myself afloat mentally and financially. I do what I can volunteering my heart and mind to others when I can spare it but it wears my already burdened self down. Most of the trans people I've met through support groups in the area are extremely socially awkward or obnoxious and I feel embarrassed around them. I know that's wrong in a way and maybe i'm being judgemental but I can't help it  In a way it's not so much their fault as they are a product of their environments.

The best I can do is be a shining example to the cis community that I come in contact with and destroy stereotypes and misconceptions in the hope that it will make future trans girls lives at least a little bit easier 

what she said. My counsellor said yesterday i should give myself credit for keeping it all together. I will do my best to support others but we all have varying issues we face simply by being born different. X

[JennX]

Most trans people aren't in a position to help other tans people.

In my own experience I struggle just keeping myself afloat mentally and financially. I do what I can volunteering my heart and mind to others when I can spare it but it wears my already burdened self down. Most of the trans people I've met through support groups in the area are extremely socially awkward or obnoxious and I feel embarrassed around them. I know that's wrong in a way and maybe i'm being judgemental but I can't help it  In a way it's not so much their fault as they are a product of their environments.

The best I can do is be a shining example to the cis community that I come in contact with and destroy stereotypes and misconceptions in the hope that it will make future trans girls lives at least a little bit easier 

This +1000. Most of my local trans friends are barely able to make ends meet as is. One reason is the financial reason alone, they just do not have enough disposable income to part with.

Also speaking purely on behalf of myself, I was pretty much entirely stealth preop, now that I'm postop, new name, new most everything... I really don't want to go around advertising my past.