Hi Karla and all,
I'm new here and still finding my way around but this whole thread hit a still raw nerve. I'm 55 and grew up in a country and at a time where words like transgender and transsexual were simply not part of the vocabulary. From my earliest memories I was more attracted to the female world than the male and as an adolescent used to crossdress in private every opportunity that I had, even sleeping in a nightdress that I used to sneak on under the bed clothes as I shared a room with one of my older brothers.
Since I had absolutely no reference point to help me understand the way I was, I just felt terrible about myself, with constant feelings of guilt and real difficulty connecting with those who were around me, both family and school mates. A very, very, lonely time which finished with me running away from home at 18, to a different country with a different language.
By miracle and no doubt a good survival instinct, in spite of starting with nothing (I arrived in my new country in 1976 with a about 500$ knowing no one and with only a limited knowledge of the language) everything worked out fairly OK and some years later I even graduated from a very good engineering school in my country of adoption.
I also married one of the first woman who showed any interest in me, in 1982, and that was one of the biggest mistakes in my life. Both she and I had very low self-esteem and we spent 18 years making life misery for each other. Over the years we did have 3 children though, the first in 1984 and for years that was one of the main reasons I didn't get out of what I quite quickly understood to be a seriously toxic relationship. I loved and still love my children passionately and leaving their mother meant largely cutting myself off from them. However, in 1999, I finally decided I had to make the break, that things were so bad it was not even in the children's interest that we stay together.
My ex-wife, a very fragile woman with her own demons, went ballistic when I left and played every trick in the book to turn the children against me, very nearly succeeding.
However I hung in there and, in spite of some really black moments, never abandoned hope that I would one day get close to my children again. The support I got from friends at that time made me really understand what true friends are.
Getting out of that relationship also finally put me on the path that would eventually allow me to be myself. While married, I had continued cross dressing in private, still hating myself for it, feeling deep shame about being such a pervert. My ex-wife found some of my stuff and made a huge stink about it which I lied my way out of. However ,when I finally found myself living single again I started to explore my feminine side far more deeply and quickly started going out "en femme". We were now into the years 2000 and thanks to the internet in particular, there was more and more information available about gender identity disorders etc and I finally started to gain some understanding about why I was the way I was. By the time I met my second wife, eight years ago almost to the day, I was able to be completely up front with her about who I was. It was starting point to the most fantastic relationship I have ever had, as loving, supportive and understanding as two people can have.
The constrast with my first mariage simply couldn't be greater and when I look back on it, I think the key to all of that was me finally accepting that I was who I was and that I had no reason to feel any shame about that. While not particularly religious Christ's teaching " Love others as you love youself" is full of wisdom. Loving others starts with learning to love yourself which starts with self acceptance.
Thanks to what has become by far the most important relationship in my life, I am well on the way to a complete transition with a lot of the big steps already behind me, HRT, FFS, beard removal, hair implants and coming out to everyone who counts, including my employer. More time will be necessary before I can transition on the job but I am confident that I will get there eventually as I believe that the quality of my work and the relationships I have built will be enough to get me over that obstacle.
I think it is also worth mentioning that I have rebuilt the bridges with my kids who were respectively 15, 11 & 7 when I quit their mother in 1999. I have two daughters and a son and my coming out (in 2011) has actually brought us closer together. Strangely, this has been especially true with my son with whom I have a particularly close relationship, far more open than is often the case between fathers and sons.
So Karla, yes, finally accepting that things simply can't go on the way they are can be brutally hard (some of the memories that surged while writing this still bring tears to my eyes) but I believe no one who is really TG can run away from it forever . Happily, with more knowledge and visibility, society is far more accepting of people like us today . Transitioning on the job is still a big challenge, especially when in a fairly high profile position, but for people in general, my experience has been that it is not really a problem. On balance I have received way more positive feedback than negative.
As my little story illustrates, a lot of the time we build our own prisons but the day we break out, life can look an awful lot sweeter.
Take care and "bon courage"
Donna
