Okay, just in order to add some closure to this topic...
The depression broke. Yesterday at about 3 in the afternoon, I was able to will my way out of the self-defeating mindset that I was stuck in. Basically, what happened is that someone had mentioned that the possibility of Cyproterone withdrawl, and I read an internet article that said that it was possible to fix this with a pretty-much-harmless anti-DHT drug which I was already taking as a part of my prescription. So I said to myself "It's okay. I'm already taking something that will make it better." The really funny thing is, when I started feeling better out of the blue the next day, and told myself "AHA! It's working!" it turns out that it actually couldn't have been the Finasteride, because that drug is very much a cumulative-effect drug that takes weeks to build up to full concentrations, and I haven't been taking it that long.
So in all honestly, my entire depressive bout was probably just caused by the placebo effect... caused because I knew too damned much about what the "proper" doses of each anti-androgen were, and knew that the dosage of Spiro that I was on was extremely low compared to the dosage of Androcur that I was on, and as such "expected" that my T levels would be rebounding. And, well, because at the time I was still stuck in this phase where I was seeking self-validation, seeking to feel great when my T levels were down and crappy when my T levels were up, I kind of made it true in my own mind. And that feeling of being helpless, that feeling that I was stuck with these effects until my doses changed, got me stuck in this depressive bout and made it worse and worse. So it's quite fitting that a depressive bout that was caused by the placebo effect in the first place was also solved by the placebo effect. It was solved completely by me believing that there was something that I was taking which was going to fix it, and as such made me feel like I was finally in control again, even though what I took simply could NOT have done a damned thing as quickly as it did.
But anyway, everything's okay now. All I needed to do was re-establish a feeling of control. And in my meeting with my therapist today, she told me that the problem was that I was seeking self-validation for my transsexual desires from the hormone therapy. And that I really needed to quit doing that. I didn't need to feel like crap when my T levels were up, or feel unfathomably happy when my T levels were down, in order to validate that I really am transsexual. Rather, it's the very fact that I'm seeking this self-validation in the first place, seeking reasons to validate my identity as female, that proves it. So I'm working on anchoring my transsexual feelings on things that are much deeper than just emotion... the fact that I just survived the biggest period of doubt in my entire life, and yet still found this intense drive deep down that was practically screaming at me "NO! You are NOT going to quit!!!" And the fact that I started feeling body dysphoria as SOON as puberty started, and immediately felt like I should be going through a female puberty instead. And not even on the fact that I felt bad about my own gender identity in the first place, (which I was indeed able to make go away for a period of time by sheer force of will,) but rather on the fact that even during the time that I told myself I was "cured," I STILL found myself identifying with the female gender, even though I refused to admit it. And that even when I was having my biggest period of doubt in regard to transition, I was still constantly gushing about how much I loved every single one of the physical feminization changes that were happening, despite seriously doubting almost every aspect of the social transition at the time. These are things that, unlike my ever-changing roller coaster of moods on hormones, are solid and unchanging, and really do prove that my identity is female. And it's not something that I need to prove to myself, or find "reasons" for, or even do certain things or feel certain emotions in order to prove. Because gender isn't like that... it doesn't have "causes," it's just something that you feel on a core level. And feeling "feminine," or feeling calm and at peace, doesn't prove that I'm female any more than it does for a cis-gender woman. It's just something both of us know on a very fundamental level.
So yeah. This was all just my own fault, because I started HRT before I was 100% sure of my own identity, and because I was seeking to use HRT as the ultimate means of self-validation of my own gender identity.
Everything's back to normal now, I'm going to be continuing on HRT and the path of transition as planned, my therapist gave me her blessing to continue, she believes that I've taken a HUGE step forward in self-acceptance, and in the grand scheme of things, this was just a bump in the road that I was SERIOUSLY over-exaggerating.
Sorry if I scared anyone.
-Carrie
