Okay, so since my last topic on this was deleted, let's see if I can phrase it in a different way that doesn't violate the rules.

Basically, what is happening is that I'm having some severe mental trouble after switching from DIY hormone administration to my official prescription.

I had been feeling absolutely amazing for a very long time, 2 months or so, so mentally calm and so at peace with the world, and everything was fantastic, and I felt like I had finally found myself, and really had a feeling of inner peace and self-identity for the first time in my entire adult life. But I knew that DIY was not really safe, and that there were serious risks involved, so about a month ago I set up a visit with a local doctor and was put on an official HRT prescription. When this happened, I was switched from Androcur to Spiro, (since Androcur is not approved for sale in the United States,) and my dosage was reduced. (I regret not asking to be kept on the same dosage.)

Everything was fine for the first couple of weeks or so. But then about a week ago, all of a sudden I started having SEVERE depressive bouts. And they have been getting worse and worse with every single day. Last night was the absolute worst. I have NEVER felt worse in my entire life. It just felt like I had lost the ability to feel happiness, on a core level. Every single second of the day was an emotional battle where I just felt like complete and total crap for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And I'm back to feeling a very "masculine" kind of depression, where I feel tense and angry and bitter, and everything makes me angry, and there's this kind of "brain fog" up there where it just feels like I'm not my usual feminine self, and like my very ability to feel happiness or a sense of self-identity is gone.

I originally had an appointment with my doctor set up on May 6th to test my blood hormone levels, (he didn't give me an "initial" test for some reason, so I have NO IDEA what levels they were at while I was still feeling good,) but I have now had to move that WAY up, and it will be this Thursday. And I also have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, where I will discuss these things, but until those two dates come, I am still feeling like complete and total crap.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Support? Advice? Maybe some semblance of hope that this is normal and that it will pass? Has anyone else ever experienced severe depression like this after changing prescription doses, or after going on lower doses of anti-androgens? Could depression this severe really be coming from testosterone rebound alone, or is there something else maybe about the Androcur or Dutasteride I was taking which is screwing with my head now that I've been switched to different meds? (And yes, I know, this is why you do NOT self-medicate. I wouldn't be having this problem, or all of the frustration and uncertainty that comes with it, if I had just started with the official prescription meds and doses in the first place. But what happened happened, and there's nothing that I can do about it now, so I don't need lectures, I need freaking help.)

Have I followed the rules properly this time? Can I PLEASE get some help here? And again, I do have a doctor's appointment in 4 days to deal with this. But in the meantime, I am still suffering, still in immense emotional pain every single day, and I really need any help and support that I can get. Does anyone have ANY idea what might be going on here? And again, I know it's not HRT in general, because I was doing fantastically for a good 2 months, and felt absolutely great. So it's just something about this change in meds and doses that is just completely screwing with my head.

Please help.

-Carrie

Carrie,
There are two frequently used drugs which have a bad reputation re. their depression inducing effects, Androcur, which you were taking but have apparently stopped, and Provera.
Whether you are taking them or not, what you write makes me think that you would be very well advised to go back and see your doctor and, as you seem to have an appointment soon, you should quickly be able to get feedback from someone who is in a much better position to know what's going on than anyone here.
Wishing you all the best.
Donna

+1 Yes Donna is correct, you'll have to white knuckle it until then, wishing you well dear!

Chemically induced depression can be hard to deal with.  Drink lots of water to help flush out the drugs.  And if it gets to bad, contact your doctor.  They may have you go to the hospital for immediate treatment.

Hi Carrie,

It could be a combination of stuff and probably nothing you can self resolve. I would get to the ER room if you can and tell them, at least they can get the bloods done in a few minutes. Explain that you are having a reaction to prescribed medication.
if you are starting to feel suicidal call an ambulance and get them to take you to ER. Explain if you can that you are on hormonal therapy and having a reaction.

Hugs darling, I hope it blows over

Okay, just in order to add some closure to this topic...

The depression broke. Yesterday at about 3 in the afternoon, I was able to will my way out of the self-defeating mindset that I was stuck in. Basically, what happened is that someone had mentioned that the possibility of Cyproterone withdrawl, and I read an internet article that said that it was possible to fix this with a pretty-much-harmless anti-DHT drug which I was already taking as a part of my prescription. So I said to myself "It's okay. I'm already taking something that will make it better." The really funny thing is, when I started feeling better out of the blue the next day, and told myself "AHA! It's working!" it turns out that it actually couldn't have been the Finasteride, because that drug is very much a cumulative-effect drug that takes weeks to build up to full concentrations, and I haven't been taking it that long.

So in all honestly, my entire depressive bout was probably just caused by the placebo effect... caused because I knew too damned much about what the "proper" doses of each anti-androgen were, and knew that the dosage of Spiro that I was on was extremely low compared to the dosage of Androcur that I was on, and as such "expected" that my T levels would be rebounding. And, well, because at the time I was still stuck in this phase where I was seeking self-validation, seeking to feel great when my T levels were down and crappy when my T levels were up, I kind of made it true in my own mind. And that feeling of being helpless, that feeling that I was stuck with these effects until my doses changed, got me stuck in this depressive bout and made it worse and worse. So it's quite fitting that a depressive bout that was caused by the placebo effect in the first place was also solved by the placebo effect. It was solved completely by me believing that there was something that I was taking which was going to fix it, and as such made me feel like I was finally in control again, even though what I took simply could NOT have done a damned thing as quickly as it did.

But anyway, everything's okay now. All I needed to do was re-establish a feeling of control. And in my meeting with my therapist today, she told me that the problem was that I was seeking self-validation for my transsexual desires from the hormone therapy. And that I really needed to quit doing that. I didn't need to feel like crap when my T levels were up, or feel unfathomably happy when my T levels were down, in order to validate that I really am transsexual. Rather, it's the very fact that I'm seeking this self-validation in the first place, seeking reasons to validate my identity as female, that proves it. So I'm working on anchoring my transsexual feelings on things that are much deeper than just emotion... the fact that I just survived the biggest period of doubt in my entire life, and yet still found this intense drive deep down that was practically screaming at me "NO! You are NOT going to quit!!!" And the fact that I started feeling body dysphoria as SOON as puberty started, and immediately felt like I should be going through a female puberty instead. And not even on the fact that I felt bad about my own gender identity in the first place, (which I was indeed able to make go away for a period of time by sheer force of will,) but rather on the fact that even during the time that I told myself I was "cured," I STILL found myself identifying with the female gender, even though I refused to admit it. And that even when I was having my biggest period of doubt in regard to transition, I was still constantly gushing about how much I loved every single one of the physical feminization changes that were happening, despite seriously doubting almost every aspect of the social transition at the time. These are things that, unlike my ever-changing roller coaster of moods on hormones, are solid and unchanging, and really do prove that my identity is female. And it's not something that I need to prove to myself, or find "reasons" for, or even do certain things or feel certain emotions in order to prove. Because gender isn't like that... it doesn't have "causes," it's just something that you feel on a core level. And feeling "feminine," or feeling calm and at peace, doesn't prove that I'm female any more than it does for a cis-gender woman. It's just something both of us know on a very fundamental level.

So yeah. This was all just my own fault, because I started HRT before I was 100% sure of my own identity, and because I was seeking to use HRT as the ultimate means of self-validation of my own gender identity.

Everything's back to normal now, I'm going to be continuing on HRT and the path of transition as planned, my therapist gave me her blessing to continue, she believes that I've taken a HUGE step forward in self-acceptance, and in the grand scheme of things, this was just a bump in the road that I was SERIOUSLY over-exaggerating.

Sorry if I scared anyone.

-Carrie