At first, our self-esteem is so battered that if people look at us we often assume its because we are clocked; we assume the worse because of out bent self-image.
I know that I passed as female 4 months into HRT when its obvious from pictures that I looked 10 times more male than now, yet till lately, still, I still felt this fleeting self-consciousness, of being on the verge of being discovered when people that knew me pre-HRT can't even pick me out of a small group.
Kate, if you want to know if its self-perception that's the problem; when you wake up, still groggy, open the bathroom light and look in the mirror for 1-2 seconds, don't linger. The groggyness and short exposures time with sort of bypass normal self-criticism and you'll see yourself, at that instant, like others do.
The first time I realized that, 3 months back, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and opened the light and was flabbergasted in the first instants at how female I looked!!! I then sat on the toilet and just cried of joy... Later in the day, after the brain restarted, as critical as ever, I saw all those male traits again and felt as self-conscious about them as ever.
But, now, a few months down the road, I don't see that old me anymore, I have integrated the new image into my psyche and its the only one I see. In fact, I can't seem to remember how I looked like before. When I see pictures of me last year, its like a different person, I have difficulty putting myself in that picture.
I can't recall Kate, did you come out at work already. If not, I don't who you're trying to fool ;-). Change that name, wear that dress, live that life you deserve, god YOU ARE READY.
