fear of the mens room?

[Jess42]

I think with men's restrooms there are unwritten rules. 1. when peeing at the urinals don't look left or right, just up, straight ahead, or down. 2. also when at the urinals, aim well because if you pee on someone else's shoes, then your screwed especially in a bar. 3. When in the stalls doing a number two, grunt loud so everyone knows what you are doing. 4. fart as loud as you can again, so everyone will know what you are doing. If you can't fart, make farting sounds. 5. buy some stink bombs to pop just in case your poop don't stink.

Seriously though, I could care less who comes into the restroom while I'm there. I would prefer it just be me but that doesn't always happen. I just do my business, wash my hands and get out as quick as I can.

Stay away from rest area restrooms especially in the middle of the night when traveling. Pee in a cup, bottle or anthing else and then dump it in the grass after. These are the most dangerous restrooms I have ever experienced and there have been people raped murdered and abducted in these restrooms. Don't rely on security if the rest area even has security. Daytime is a little safer but definately don't use them at night.

[Erik Ezrin]

Because I mostly don't pass (I don't know how to figure out if I'm passing or not, but I was out at a restaurant with my mum, and the waiter addressed us as 'ladies', and so did someone asking the way call me a 'girl', so I suppose I'm not passing yet ) I'm too insecure to go into the men's restrooms.
But I feel uncomfortable in the women's too :s usually I just go in (my mum would otherwise make a fuss, as I'm not out yet and she doesn't know), and hope, beg, plead that there's no one there. Quite often I even wait before someone else is gone, if I'm sitting in a stall (which is pretty horrible 'cause women ALWAYS want to chat and hang around for ages. I mean, darn it women; it's the LOO! Why the HECK would you want to start discussing life matters in the figgin LOO!? I just never got that, lol)
But yeah, I'd definitely prefer men's restrooms... maybe I should just try it and be cool, y'know...











Edited for profanity.

[Tadpole]

Yeah, I have fear of the men's room but it hasn't stopped me from going in the past. I've been testing things out more often because I am considering transitioning.  Honestly women's rooms have sometimes scared me because I have had some times I have gotten evil glares for looking too butch already or whatever it is. Some groups of women like sorority girl-types or far less frequently, members of a gang have bullied me when I go in. With the men's room I try to go in there only if I think no one will be around at this point, or it's a really liberal-minded type of place where no one really cares. I guess my fears are more related to something like sexual assault than anything, regardless of whether or not that it happens, whether it is an a reasonable fear to hold on to or it's actually unlikely for that to happen. I don't know.

[Joanna Dark]

I look pretty girlish lately and I use the men's room and no one says anything. I get looks but that's it.

[Erik Ezrin]

If a guy wanted to rape someone, he'd be really stupid to do it in the men's bathroom, just saying.

And Tadpole, I know what you mean, yeah. I am like on the verge of passing-not passing, and sometimes I've gotten confused or even dirty looks from women in the bathroom. And it makes me feel even more uncomfortable than I am already.
The only time when I went into the men's bathroom was when there was an ENORMOUS line for the woman's, women are simply a lot slower with doing their business than men, it appears (what'd you get? With all the chit-chat XD)

[Tadpole]

He'd be really stupid to do it in the women's room as well. Or any room. But yeah, those looks suck, and the chit-chat is kind of a fun way to make conversation in the women's room, but when it takes a turn for the worse and goes into that whole bullying/groups of sorority girls in the college restroom giving you the evil eye and revolting gasp or unwanted comments, then you will be looking for a way to escape the chit-chat real quick. I'm not going to pass very soon at all, and a urinal seems like nothing more than a goofy wall decoration for me if I wanted to try to go without looking ridiculous, I would need a pee-cone, so that's what a stall is for. I would love to see more unisex bathrooms, and not unisex/family like there are in the mall where I live because there's undoubtably going to be some bigot in there who thinks you are going to be a queer-conversion threat by simply being in the same general area as them and their kids.

[Donna Elvira]

As a MtF who still has to present male when at work, I have just stopped using the urinals, using a closed booth even for peeing. I imagine an FtM who does not feel comfortable about peeing in public could do the same thing, even in the men's restroom?
Cheers.
Donna

[Erik Ezrin]

I suppose it would be okay to use the stalls. I mean, even men have to sit sometimes, don't they? Or do a big business, y'know.

But yeah, those looks suck, and the chit-chat is kind of a fun way to make conversation in the women's room, but when it takes a turn for the worse and goes into that whole bullying/groups of sorority girls in the college restroom giving you the evil eye and revolting gasp or unwanted comments, then you will be looking for a way to escape the chit-chat real quick. I'm not going to pass very soon at all, and a urinal seems like nothing more than a goofy wall decoration for me if I wanted to try to go without looking ridiculous, I would need a pee-cone, so that's what a stall is for. I would love to see more unisex bathrooms, and not unisex/family like there are in the mall where I live because there's undoubtably going to be some bigot in there who thinks you are going to be a queer-conversion threat by simply being in the same general area as them and their kids.

Yeah, agree. I usually don't dislike chatting a bit, but at my school there are these 13/14 yr old teenage girls that ALWAYS giggle and say nasty things if I come out or go in a stall. Sometimes say stuff like "Did you see that lesbian!?" or ask obnoxiously "Are you a boy or a girl?", etc. I usually don't mind people asking, but it's the tone they use that pisses me off. Sometimes they also call me 'it', which incredibly bugs me. It is for objects, not for people, goddammit! I can ignore them, but it's still not nice imo.
And I agree on the unisex thing. Each time when I have to go to the bathroom I'm torn apart, something so easy for others is horrific for transpeople.
I would also like to see the acceptance and understanding for transpeople to be raised, so that I wouldn't have to be afraid telling people what I am if I wanted to. The whole reason that 'transphobia' exists is because cispeople just don't UNDERSTAND us. They are confused, and cannot understand how such a 'obvious' thing can be a lot less obvious for many people. And if people don't understand something, fear is a natural response, and with fear... you can either ignore the cause of the fear and try to ignore it exists or shun it, hate on it, etc. and hope it'll eventually magically disappear.
It makes me sad that a lot of people think like this, for me it doesn't make sense, but a lot of people aren't like me, lol!

[Liminal Stranger]

Yeah, it's obnoxious when people are hateful and close-minded to us, as if we don't face enough problems from being TG on our own. I've never even understood the point of having separate bathrooms, who cares what you have under your clothes? You're there to pee, flush, wash your hands, and leave. But nope, can't just make it simple for us because we're a minority so why show an inkling of concern for us? There's women who need protection from whoever so much as looks like they might have male genitalia!

I've gotten horrible looks at school for using the girl's bathroom, but I worry that if I use the boy's room there that I'll run into someone I'm still closeted to and they'll make a big scene out of things. Exactly what I don't need. So I try to either hold it or use the "confused" bathroom converted by the school from a boy's to a girl's room (in other words, they slapped a female sign on it) because other guys do that. But eh, I'd like to just use the restroom without fear of being called out on it or shame using the one people think is right for me.

[Jess42]

TBH not always... some guys are just plain weird in men's bathrooms. Always grossed me out when a big grunt would ring through. Oh god, the memories.

But violence? Well probably not, I was a tiny waif w/ long hair who occasionally passed female presenting male, and nobody ever really even said anything to me, much less threatened me or something.

Actually all the creepy things I can think of that happened in men's bathrooms had nothing to do w/ me personally.

Me and the job that I do, I have to use public restrooms all the time. There are more wierd things that go on in them than you can ever imagine. Not just grunting, farting and plopping. Day or night, I have seen guys peeping through holes in the stalls. A lot of times and what gets to me is that instead of knocking to see if the stall is occupied, they will peep through the spaces and some peep a little longer than they should. One sunday morning I had to wait for a shower room to open up but nature couldn't. I hate to say this but, I sat on the stall and from underneath a magazine was slid into my stall. I hope this isn't against the rules but the guy asked me if I wanted to masterbate with him simultaneously. I thought, ughh, and got out of there as quick as I could. Thank god as I was leaving, the cashier called my name for a shower.

This is the main reason why I hate public restrooms that are not private.

When it comes to the rest area restrooms I avoid them like the plague. I pulled into one one night at about 1 A.M. and was utilizing the facilities (big Moutain Dew bottle) in my sleeper. When I stepped out of the truck to pour it in the dirt, a guy comes running up to me begging to call the police. He had tried to use the bathroom and somone come up behind him and knocked him in the side of the head. Took his wallet and keys and cellphone and then tried to do other things with/to him. He got away from the guy fortunately. When the cops came they found the guy hiding 30 feet in the woods. He was not mentally all there and was babbling about something but he was living in those woods right around the rest area. I bet this is more the norm than the exception unless the rest area has security 24 hours a day. Some do, but most don't. So please be very wary when using rest area restrooms at night.

[MiaOhMya!]

Erik, you make some really nice points and I definitely empathise with some of the feelings you mentioned.

When I was still kinda andro I was lots more self-conscious. The occasional negative comment could create a hugely disproportionate response inside. Someone might call me "Sir" and I'd fume about it sometimes for days rather than learning to do better. Eventually, as I learned to be less sensitive, those people became like a bad smell I'd become accustomed to. The trick here is to realise how it doesn't matter, which sounds obvious, but is also easier to say than do.

I guess the simplest way to explain this is that NO situation turned out as bad as I'd portrayed it in my mind. MOST turned out to be heaps of nothing! It was all speculation, and I'd psyched myself out time and again. The more I toed that line the more it wasn't bravery pushing me, but the realisation that things simply weren't as bad as anticipated. I figured the next thing wouldn't be so bad either!

Also, this is important: move and act with confidence, with a RIGHT to be there, and you'll see that people tend to NOT notice you.  People seem to especially notice others who are trying not to be seen. Does that make sense? People don't take heed to someone acting naturally.

I've become more confident overall as a result of my experiences. I used to be quiet and introverted, but the path I trudged through myself taught me lessons that apply to pretty much everything in life. While I do still love my alone time, there are people who say transitioning won't change who they are, or who tell others, "I'm the same person I was then," well in my experience I am a completely different person today, and really better for it all.

[Nyri]

I suppose it would be okay to use the stalls. I mean, even men have to sit sometimes, don't they? Or do a big business, y'know.

Yeah, even cis men have to sit to pee sometimes.  Piercings can make standing nearly impossible and not ideal.  Or maybe they have to take a crap at the same time, wouldn't make sense to start at the urinal and move to the toilet later.  Also some guys don't have any reason, they just prefer to sit when they pee. 

[randomroads]

I know several men who sit to pee. They just prefer it for whatever personal reason (I never asked). Nothing to be ashamed of if you gotta go and you can't use the urinal.

[QuestionKnot]

The mens room isnt that big of a deal usually. When your not used to using them it feels like everyone is a possible attacker and is out to clock you. But once you get used to going into the mens room it just becomes an everyday thing thats nothing to worry about. Unless your going to a place where people are more or less poor and ignorant (and usually more aggressive) then you might have to worry about being attacked. But otherwise, no one really cares about what you do in the bathroom.

And more often then not no one will ever raise an eye brow when you sit to pee. No one's ever done that with me, or any of the trans guys I've spoken to.

[MiaOhMya!]

Oh yeah...I forgot to write what I originally meant to post. Thanks for reminding me!

SO...I have ALWAYS sat to pee. That's right, 26 years as a boy and I sat to wee through all of them. Please note that's through some pretty boyish/guyish years! That was primary school, high school, university, jobs, travels,  mates, etc. and it was never an issue, not even once.

That I sat to urinate had nothing to do with my being trans. Rather it was personal preference, just like Nyri and randomroads said about the fellas they knew. When I was a child it was just easier to sit than stand, and somehow it just continued for the rest of my years as it became the only way I was comfortable to go.

In short I'm saying NO WORRIES!! You'll definitely be all right! Like everyone said...guys are really private in the toilets (it's kinda freakish how so). They're afraid to make eye contact, they never talk, heck they're even too afraid to use the mirror. Guys go out of their way to NOT notice someone else in the toilets. I swear they're irrationally mortified of being seen as "gay" or something.

So hey, just wipe that toilet seat off, or lay something down for chrissake, because when boys go they sure seem to enjoy peeing all over everything!

Good luck, hope this helps your confidence!   

[Tadpole]

Erik, wow, I'm sorry you go through such a hard time with the immature girls in the bathrooms. Some people can be just so horrible. My experiences I can remember a fair amount of bad experiences and absolutely not knowing what to expect back in high school because I could walk in one day and see girls who were really nice and asked me how my day was but the next there would be those bullying girls, the same ones who made it so difficult to be in track that I almost quit due to their snobbiness, and there were some men who did the same. One time I was in high school I went into the boy's room and the most macho guy in school just happened to be in there and really shouted me out of there. I was surprised exactly how angry he got. So I've had upsetting experiences in both rooms. I'm guessing that you are still in high school or something, given your experience you described. It's quite a decision for me to choose which one to go in even though I used to mostly just go in the women's room. As I look more and more masculine I wonder if I should be going in the men's room.

And yeah, I could definitely imagine some men trying to do stuff like peep into holes, etc.

Something particularly physically or sexually violent seems less likely to me happening especially due to the illegality of all of it.
It might be not the most rational fear though it's probably based off of something that exists in reality.
People do not want that fate to befall them so of course it could be a fear.

It's good to think that it probably isn't really that big a deal to switch bathrooms as well as the notion that transitioning could instill confidence!

[Felix]

The scariest experience I ever had in a men's restroom was at walmart. I went in and there was this guy in a stall making the most disturbing, loud noises I have ever heard. It sounded like he was engaging in sexual intercourse with a walrus while simultaneously conducting an exorcism and giving birth...

Lol.

I also agree with the people who mentioned the strangeness of separating girls and boys bathrooms in the first place. Even when you take habits and safety and all that into account, toilet segregation feels weird and counterintuitive.

[Erik Ezrin]

Yeah, I agree. Unisex would feel much better and more 'natural' to me. And no more stress for transpeople, non binary people, 3rd sex people, bigender people, whatever kind of people you can come up with, lol.

And yea, those girls were nasty. I said something witty back a few times though, and magically they disappeared each time I came 'round
But there are so many 1st/2nd grade girls who just have their friggin' LUNCH BREAK in the toilets. I mean... wot!? The day I can understand those girls... *sigh*

[hattie]

I think this is not such a big issue as you make it in your mind. I am a girl that lacks navigation and attention skills  So, I have found myself in the mens room multiple times  I never had an issue, except from a cleaning lady that once pinpointed the right direction quite strictly 

[Dovahkiin]

In public I don't use the toilets unless I really can't help it. I've never used public mens' loos because of fear of not passing, but I've been becoming more and more uncomfortable in the womens' toilets for a number of reasons. One being getting dodgy looks because I am passing, one being that I feel uncomfortable knowing I'm a man in the ladies' toilets.. At school I'm only out to a few people and so have to use the womens' because I know I would get harassed by some of the guys (like my ex boyfriend) but I end up not using it all as much as possible. Single or unisex toilets are wonderful!

I'm actually currently trying to start using the mens loos because I'm pretty sure on most days I pass as a prepubescent boy, so I wouldn't get questioned just using the toilet.

I can understand the fear. Even if you know that it's incredibly unlikely something will happen, there's still always that worry. Plus I don't do well in confrontations and if someone so much as looked at me or politely questioned me I'd quite possibly have a panic attack..