Dating/Being open

[dlee]

Hi ladies im back again with yet another question/discussion. I know dating and being trans can be really dangerous, there are so many horror stories its so sad. I've always told myself when I start dating or if I was ever approached by a guy I was going to be upfront and honest then and there. The thing is I don't now how, Its kinda hard telling someone you just met your a transgendered woman. So my question to you ladies is How do I tell a guy im trans right away? Also could you spill some self experiences with this issue?

[Beth Andrea]

I wouldn't recommend the "right away" (as in, "Hi, I'm Beth, and I'm a transsexual!!"). Most people would simply end the date right then and there.

If you go and just present yourself as yourself (without the "trans-" modifier), your date will get to see you as you are, without any preconceived notions of "OMG she--he--she--umm...is a ->-bleeped-<-!! RUN RUN RUN...!"

If the first date goes smoothly, and you both decide on a second date...that's great. Again, go and have fun. But (imho), by the third date things are starting to get serious...which means you're probably talking about having sex (you didn't kiss on your first date...did you?), which means things are at an intimate level. Now is the time to let him/her know...and (again, imho) it should be at the start of the date, so you're giving him/her a chance to freak out and leave.

If they do, of course that means you weren't good for each other anyway. If they don't...this means either they don't mind, or that you made a good enough impression that they're willing to have you in their life.

I know nothing about dates, however. Logic is one thing--experience is another.

"Forever alone" could well be my motto.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Dlee,

As Beth suggested; it's not really a good introduction. If you have just met someone, there is a plethora of issues to discuss in the "getting to know you" camp long before you start getting serious about the relationship. By this time you may not even see permanence in the relationship. It may just end up in a good friendship.No need burning your bridges before you've got to them. But most certainly, once the "bell" has rung and it's "on;" it's an absolute "must"

After all, in your previous life, how may people have you heard of, or have approached you and said "Hi, I'm XXXX and I'm Bi (whatever).

Enjoy the experience.

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

[jaydenrain]

((ik this is MtF and im FtM, but the basic rules still apply and thought youd like a nice story! :3 ))
dating is very nerve racking when your trans. i was lucky enough to meet my love in 7th grade. we have been dating for 4 years now, almost 5. i told her after we were together for 3 months and i was completely terrified about telling her and i told her after she came over to take care of me when i was sick. for some crazy reason, something clicked and it just felt right to tell her. im not gonna lie, it wasnt a easy transistion with the pronouns for about a month, now she 99.9% never messes up

so i agree, i wouldnt say it like instantly, you need to know if you see yourself inanlong relationship with them before you tell them. let them get to know your real personality. im mot saying all of them will be as accepting as the next, there will always be rough patches, but theres always diamonds in the rough :3

[dlee]

Yes that makes perfectly logical sense, If I tell them right away that im transgender I dont know how they'll take it rather than us getting to know each other as human beings first then when we get serious or semi serious thats the time to tell when we've gotten to know each other for our heart not our physical appearance or whatever it may be.

[dlee]

Exactly and that's another thing that's kind of annoying, im younger and the guys my age and a little older are so immature and closed minded, but you never know there's guys/girls out there who are open minded and see things at a greater perception.

[Beth Andrea]

Exactly and that's another thing that's kind of annoying, im younger and the guys my age and a little older are so immature and closed minded, but you never know there's guys/girls out there who are open minded and see things at a greater perception.

Just taking a guess here...but you're looking in the age bracket of...15-->83?

LOL

[Joanna Dark]

I am, and would if I were you, concentrate on building strong friendships, of the platonic kind. The rest will fall into place. But whether you are trans or cis, relationships can be hard, and it's good to have a shoulder to cry on. And if you don't have much experience with female friendships, try to start as soon as possible. Nothing will aid you more in transition than this, IMO.

[Noah]

I met a guy a few months ago who knew I was trans before we met, but who is straight and had never dated a trans woman before. He was attracted to me, and liked what I had to say on my internet profile or whatever and so he decided to overlook it. Meeting someone online, I always tell them before we meet - because they haven't selected me based on how I look in person or sound or behave, so it seems like I need to establish some of those principles before meeting, as to avoid any drama for myself. When meetng someone in the real world, I agree with the previous suggestions. You don't owe them anything until you are about to get physical, don't tell them right away but don't wait too long.

The guy I met a few months ago is someone who I am still dating today. I must say that it is challenging dating a straight guy as a pre-op trans woman. I would never date a gay man or anything (obviously), but there is a prominent part of my body that just doesn't work for me OR for him. Navigating that part of myself with him has been surprisingly easy, but it still feels weird. And I must say the relationship itself is highly complicated because of all this. anyway...don't worry just be honest when you need to be.

[Tristan]

Either before we meet or over the first dinner date in public

[dlee]

Beautiful stories, thank you for sharing . Being open and honest in a relationship is the most important thing

[FrancisAnn]

Dlee, as they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.

It's risky however it's better to move forward & go slow. If you do not like the man or feel comfortable with him you are in control, you can just tell him it's not working out or just ignore his calls/advances before you open up to him. As you meet more men you will be able to determine if you want to let him know of your true status. Men are colder & have less emotions than us girls/women & they can move on quickly.

Good luck girl & just be careful, it's your life & you are in control.
 

[Ltl89]

I am, and would if I were you, concentrate on building strong friendships, of the platonic kind. The rest will fall into place. But whether you are trans or cis, relationships can be hard, and it's good to have a shoulder to cry on. And if you don't have much experience with female friendships, try to start as soon as possible. Nothing will aid you more in transition than this, IMO.

I agree with Joanna on this.  I know many women who have met their boyfriend from starting out as friends.  After they get to know the real you, guys start to care less about stupid labels and your past history.  I have even seen some guys who you would never think would be okay with it change their mind after meeting the right person.  However, you want them to first see you for who you are.  So, I would only tell once you know there is something there and that he (or she) cares about you.  Some won't come around, but you wouldn't want to date jerks like that anyways.

Some also meet guys (or girls) being open from the start, but I think that would be much harder. Although, it could work for you as it has for others.

[A]

I recommend against saying it right away. It's sentimentally suicidal. Look, even to someone accepting being trans is a disadvantage you have. I'd be an awful salesperson, but even I know it's not the best strategy to tell about a downside before the "customer" even has the slightest chance to know about the advantages.

I think saying it soon is a good idea if you want to avoid the person feeling betrayed and lied to. But not that soon. You should wait until you really feel there is something serious between the two of you. To begin with, it might not really work before you even have to make the effort to say that. Why make unnecessary effort?

[peky]

Now, I have been with my company for over 15 years, 13 of which I did while playing the male role. Now, because I am lazy and 'tone deaf' I have not done anything about my voice. So, most new comers would "know' right away but I do not say anything.

So, because my bubble personality and charisma.. I have no problem attracting attention...So here goes the story: about 6 months ago I was in a project with a guy a few years younger that I and that have known me for forever. He went through a divorce at the same time I transition. He is gooood looking but shy...so many bitches are after him...Anyway, like I was saying, we were working in a project together and, as usual, we went for a 'working lunch" which was very well..I made laugh so hard and he open himself about his likes and dislikes..Anyway, at the end of the lunch he said" "we should do this more often....perhaps over dinner?"   I look at him and blurted out: "like a date/" He paused for a moment and said..."Yeah, like a date" Our eyes met and my face turned red...there was chemistry..He is such a gentlemen he did not said anything ...Well, we have gone in a couple of date with some kissing..Now, the other day I run on him in one of the buildings, and he asked me why I have been avoiding him. I said: " well,  I am afraid to go any further without the amusement park"  He thought for a moment and then he laugh so hard...He said: "we can go as far as you want...OK?" I felt like a teen girl for a moment..

Meanwhile...enter number#2....A few months ago a new young lady of about 30-something joined the org, she is cute as a rose bud..and to make a long story short..she has asked me out ....

Now I am avoiding them, both..Fortunately my office is a different building....LOL


My point to this stories is twofold: a) even when you are not looking for them...the good Lord send them your way, b) be yourself, the genuine article, from the get go is the best policy...so they can come to your life with both eyes wide open so to speak


Cheers!

[StellaB]

Agreed that being trans doesn't work to your advantage in relationships but when I started out transitioning I decided on a policy of complete honesty and transparency to both myself and others.

I also decided that if someone were to get up and walk away because I'm trans then I'd just regard it as rejection for any other issue and let go and move on. I've spent way too much time in my life pretending to be who or what I'm not. The show's over, there's nothing more to see. I'm an all or nothing sort of person.

I filter through friendship and if my friendship isn't good enough for someone then nothing else about me will be good enough either.

Nietszche was right - less is more. There's been one or two instances when someone has moved on or the friendship has run its course but generally speaking my friendships are usually the most enduring aspect of my life. I don't think I've got even 50 friends on Facebook, but within those fifty or so people I have friends who knew me since before I came out and even before I became established as a playwright.

I'm actually more inclined to think that being trans isn't my handicap, but more that for people who don't accept it or me for me. Generally the less intimate your potential relationship with someone the more accepting they tend to be of you being trans.

Therefore the more intimate the potential relationship the harder it is to find acceptance. But thern again generally speaking you only really need one person to have a relationship with. The rest just don't matter.

[Natkat]

general my only rule is to let them know before getting in my pants,

if im to tell them I usunally try being casual. I try mention some transrelevant like some political activism, to educate them abit, or to tell abit of something I have done and then add, oh yeah, I know that because im trans, or something in the end.

[ToriJo]

(a perspective from a non-trans man here)

Some insecure straight guys react very badly to finding out that their date is a trans person.  This is probably even more so if they are trying to look macho to their buddies.  I'd suggest not dating anyone who needs to look super macho to his buddies, as at the least there will be resentment and concern if/when (probably more when than if) he finds out.  It could even end up with violence.  So I would suggest telling someone early, before they "lose face" in their eyes.

I think telling someone early - before they have investment in the relationship or can "lose face" - is a good way to weed out losers (as is finding out they are dating you because you're trans and not just because you're an attractive woman to them - that should be a relationship ender too IMHO, although maybe some will differ on this).

That said, it shouldn't matter to a decent guy.  And if it does, that's a sign it's the wrong guy.  But I personally am glad my wife told me about her history at our first meeting, as I think it was a huge risk on her part and something she didn't need to do - but she did and she did trust me on it, which I thought was attractive.

Basically, I think it's a good idea to disclose early, but at the same time I don't think it's really any of the guy's business.  If you can match a guy who thinks that way up with a gal who's open about her past, I think that's a really solid foundation for the relationship.

I also echo what everyone says about friendship being important to build first.  Don't date to "feel a guy" out to find out if he's safe.  Get to know him first in friendship.

[Just Shelly]

I don't think it's insecurity to find out your date has the same genitals as you do! This is where I am at now! I know the minute I tell him he will freak....can I blame him! He may be the nicest and sincerest guy on the planet but prefers someone with a vagina! I can only hope that when I do find someone....and end up telling them they will be willing to wait until I have the correct parts.

I am kind of in the same place with my lost attraction to women...and I do have the right plug for the right receptacle ..its just I don't want to plug it in!! I'm also attracted to a mans body more then a woman's now...although not with their equipment as of yet!  I feel different now imagining myself with another woman...its like we have the same equipment...even though I'm only halfway

This is what is happening in my current situation....I have met a man and gone on two date so far! he knows nothing about my born gender! There has been no intimacy and I won't let that happen...but it is coming close! I can't bare to tell him so I am just going to end it!! It kills me to do this ...not just because like him...but that I can't come up with a good reason to end it and it's not fair to him!!

[Rabbit]

Look, even to someone accepting being trans is a disadvantage you have. I'd be an awful salesperson, but even I know it's not the best strategy to tell about a downside before the "customer" even has the slightest chance to know about the advantages.

Why? There are PLENTY of guys who see being trans as an advantage.

I tell them early, I tell them proudly, if they are interested great...if not, no loss and nothing invested on either side. Why be ashamed of being trans? ((And yes, thinking that it is a defect, that it makes you "less than" , that it is a disadvantage...those things are being ashamed of being trans)).

It completely depends how you want to deal with the trans issue. If you treat it like a huge secret then the rest of your life will be filled with the uncomfortable and awkward "coming out"...over and over again, always worrying about your BF's reaction, their parents reaction, their friends reactions, their work reaction.

Meh, I prefer just one huge coming out, then let those who have a problem with it walk...and those who are fine make a life with.

I don't know