Okay great, I'm transgendered, now what? Or am I, or have I just convinced myself I am, am I playing another part? Maybe I'm just mentally ill, for years it was fine to crossdress in private, masturbate and deal with it until the next urge came along. Do I throw my whole life away chasing some ill conceived notion of gender and sexulaity. I'm really getting tired of all this and don't like the cruel joke I have been dealt. Most days I secretly wish to get cancer, or wish that little 8 year old in Boston could have been spared and I get blown up, or maybe get hit by a car on the way home. I don't think I really want to be dead but the thought of it somehow gives me comfort.
What's worse? My son without a dad because he divorced his mom so I can live my own life or a dead dad? My wife tries, but she's not cut out to be a wife of a transgendered person, she knows it. When she asks for honesty I give it, well most of the time. She knows and accepts I'm on HRT, I actually feel better on the HRT but then she says can't you do something about your breasts. Ummm, no that's what happens on HRT, I can't just pick and choose the effects. She allows me to go out, but then somehow finds a way to undermine my fun, by texting me and getting upset when I don't text back. I explain that I'm speaking with people and think its rude to text. Honestly I want some "me" time. She says I'm selfish, maybe I am, i feel selfish when I am spending hundreds of dollars on clothes, HRT, laser and electro, etc.
The self doubt always creeps back in, why do I still get excited when dressing, is this just an overblown fetish. Have I gone though all this to keep trying to be the best looking woman I can be but only for pleasure? I see these other middle aged girls, talking about how they needed to come out, how they left their wives, their kids, now can't even get a job or possibly another love in their lives. I feel sadness for them, as much as I feel and look like a man in a dress, these people generally look 10 times worse. Like me they are a walking punch line to a cruel joke. Are they happy or just pretending.
I've been to therapy, I'm honest in therapy and everyone I've seen accepts me as transgendered, so now what? Come see me when you need help dealing with the issues that arise when you throw out your entire life. How can I go to work and interact with the other woman, with their small bodies, shoes, and voices and convince them I am a woman too, just over 6 foot, with a manly face and unable to be feminine. Am i now and actor pretending to be a woman after pretending being a man for 40 odd years? I've had a lot of practice playing the part of a man, but only a few years of being a woman and in a extremely part time basis. Another joke to another set of people.
I've met a lot of transgendered people since I've been out, I've met a few who in my eyes "have it together" but most of the others, seem to me to be how I see myself as "sad jokes". I don't want to be a sad joke of a person, even though I don't think I'm the right gender at least as a man I'm not a sad joke, I have a family who loves me, I have friends, I have a well paying job, I have hobbies, I have everything someone would want. Why would I throw it all away to chase an impossible dream, I can never really assimilate as a real woman. But that hasn't stopped me from trying, I'm not sure why I do that.
All I know is everyday, I find holding on a little bit harder. I can't go anywhere, or watch anything on TV without being totally obsessed with the woman, how they look, what they're wearing, their makeup, if I'm out shopping and see a tall woman, i wonder could I look that good, even driving I look at the other drivers and see woman and wonder what it would be like to be them. It's all I think about!!!!! I've been obsessed with finding the perfect pushup bra now that I have something to push up, at the same time my wife is telling me what are you going to do on the beach this year. Inside my head I'm think I don't give a ->-bleeped-<-, I'll wear a shirt. Most guys on the beach have bigger man boobs than I do! I really don't care.
All I know is that the road gets complicated when you've come to the crossroad of how far to go. Can I hang on to my current life and just float through life only having moderately pleasurable moments? Or do I risk everything for a gender I fell comfortable with but having to rebuild everything in my life at mid-life age?
God this sucks! Even now as I post this, I am not opening up to my TG friends because I don't want them to know my doubt and insecurity. So I'm posting here under another identity so at least for the time it took to write this I have some peace. Thanks for the forum to vent.
