Okay great, I'm transgendered, now what? Or am I, or have I just convinced myself I am, am I playing another part? Maybe I'm just mentally ill, for years it was fine to crossdress in private, masturbate and deal with it until the next urge came along. Do I throw my whole life away chasing some ill conceived notion of gender and sexulaity. I'm really getting tired of all this and don't like the cruel joke I have been dealt. Most days I secretly wish to get cancer, or wish that little 8 year old in Boston could have been spared and I get blown up, or maybe get hit by a car on the way home. I don't think I really want to be dead but the thought of it somehow gives me comfort.

What's worse? My son without a dad because he divorced his mom so I can live my own life or a dead dad? My wife tries, but she's not cut out to be a wife of a transgendered person, she knows it. When she asks for honesty I give it, well most of the time. She knows and accepts I'm on HRT, I actually feel better on the HRT but then she says can't you do something about your breasts. Ummm, no that's what happens on HRT, I can't just pick and choose the effects. She allows me to go out, but then somehow finds a way to undermine my fun, by texting me and getting upset when I don't text back. I explain that I'm speaking with people and think its rude to text. Honestly I want some "me" time. She says I'm selfish, maybe I am, i feel selfish when I am spending hundreds of dollars on clothes, HRT, laser and electro, etc.

The self doubt always creeps back in, why do I still get excited when dressing, is this just an overblown fetish. Have I gone though all this to keep trying to be the best looking woman I can be but only for pleasure? I see these other middle aged girls, talking about how they needed to come out, how they left their wives, their kids, now can't even get a job or possibly another love in their lives. I feel sadness for them, as much as I feel and look like a man in a dress, these people generally look 10 times worse. Like me they are a walking punch line to a cruel joke. Are they happy or just pretending.

I've been to therapy, I'm honest in therapy and everyone I've seen accepts me as transgendered, so now what? Come see me when you need help dealing with the issues that arise when you throw out your entire life. How can I go to work and interact with the other woman, with their small bodies, shoes, and voices and convince them I am a woman too, just over 6 foot, with a manly face and unable to be feminine. Am i now and actor pretending to be a woman after pretending being a man for 40 odd years? I've had a lot of practice playing the part of a man, but only a few years of being a woman and in a extremely part time basis. Another joke to another set of people.

I've met a lot of transgendered people since I've been out, I've met a few who in my eyes "have it together" but most of the others, seem to me to be how I see myself as "sad jokes". I don't want to be a sad joke of a person, even though I don't think I'm the right gender at least as a man I'm not a sad joke, I have a family who loves me, I have friends, I have a well paying job, I have hobbies, I have everything someone would want. Why would I throw it all away to chase an impossible dream, I can never really assimilate as a real woman. But that hasn't stopped me from trying, I'm not sure why I do that.

All I know is everyday, I find holding on a little bit harder. I can't go anywhere, or watch anything on TV without being totally obsessed with the woman, how they look, what they're wearing, their makeup, if I'm out shopping and see a tall woman, i wonder could I look that good, even driving I look at the other drivers and see woman and wonder what it would be like to be them. It's all I think about!!!!! I've been obsessed with finding the perfect pushup bra now that I have something to push up, at the same time my wife is telling me what are you going to do on the beach this year. Inside my head I'm think I don't give a ->-bleeped-<-, I'll wear a shirt. Most guys on the beach have bigger man boobs than I do! I really don't care.

All I know is that the road gets complicated when you've come to the crossroad of how far to go. Can I hang on to my current life and just float through life only having moderately pleasurable moments? Or do I risk everything for a gender I fell comfortable with but having to rebuild everything in my life at mid-life age?

God this sucks! Even now as I post this, I am not opening up to my TG friends because I don't want them to know my doubt and insecurity. So I'm posting here under another identity so at least for the time it took to write this I have some peace. Thanks for the forum to vent.

Venting is good. It adds perspective. Composing the words and later reading them back adds yet more perspective. One of the reasons I used to keep a journal (and still should) as I've wrestled with many of these same issues.

In my 20's I stopped my transitioning experiment. Actually twice I did. At 6ft tall in an age of 5'8" women I stood out. I learned since early childhood standing out is not a good thing. I didn't want to spend my life being a target.

Now some 30 years later I've been trying to get an understanding of my transness and how best to deal with it. One factor that often sends me into an existential crises is over thinking and projecting too much into the future from where I am today rather than living in the moment. For me at this time the moment is some level of part-time.

As others in my TG group often remind me, you do not have to do anything more than what is making you happy now.

Sure, in a perfect world (or a winning Mega-Millions ticket) I'd go full-time. I have a wife that I love dearly and who is supportive, I have financial obligations to live up to. Plus I happen to be lucky and have a career that is more like getting paid to play than to work. The down side is I know within 3 months of transtitioning I'll likely be gone for some other reason.

Life is far from static. 30 years ago if you asked me if I ever saw myself not just living part time but to also have achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman I would have said you're crazy.

Quote from: kristenlaura on April 23, 2013, 03:43:26 PM
The self doubt always creeps back in, why do I still get excited when dressing, is this just an overblown fetish. Have I gone though all this to keep trying to be the best looking woman I can be but only for pleasure? I see these other middle aged girls, talking about how they needed to come out, how they left their wives, their kids, now can't even get a job or possibly another love in their lives. I feel sadness for them, as much as I feel and look like a man in a dress, these people generally look 10 times worse. Like me they are a walking punch line to a cruel joke. Are they happy or just pretending.

I've been to therapy, I'm honest in therapy and everyone I've seen accepts me as transgendered, so now what? Come see me when you need help dealing with the issues that arise when you throw out your entire life. How can I go to work and interact with the other woman, with their small bodies, shoes, and voices and convince them I am a woman too

I don't want to be a sad joke of a person, even though I don't think I'm the right gender at least as a man I'm not a sad joke,

I know exactly how you feel. Although I'm quite small even tiny and quite a bit younger and unmarried though I was engaged once but she left me and broke off the engagement. She basically left cause I'm trans and I never hid or anything and she accepted it and encourgaed it for the longest time until she didn't. She changed almost overnight and started saying mean things like how I'll make the ugliest woman and though I'll pass that I'd be hideous. And that was a terrible blow when she left. I am starting to cry just thinking about it. When she gave back the ring I just broke down and got down on me knees and begged her to stay. And even though it sounds funny cause I was crying my eyes out and pleading with her I told her that I'd stop being trans and that I'll start working out and I'll try to grow a bear even though I really can't and that I'd do anything. I'd stop dressing so andro and femme. I'd stop wearing make up. I was just joking. I thought this is what you wanted I'm not really trans. But obviously I am what I am and that isn't going away.

And that set my transition back a long time and even now a couple years later I feel crippled by doubt. Am I really trans? Could this just be some fetish that I have taken way too far? I mean in many respects it is not sexual as the first memories I have are when I was five and how I felt that I wasn't really a boy but it is a a cruel joke and my family has never been very accpeting of it. They've always known since I used to insist I'd grow up and become an actress and my mom would say "you mean actor." And I'd say "No I mean ACTRESS." And then I'd get in trouble.

And now here I am and I'm going to be 31 soon and I feel so old and like I missed my chance five years ago and that no matter what I do or how andro I look the scales will ever tip in my favor and I'll just be some joke of a person. the kind of person people are nice to in person but laugh at as soon as they leave. And as sad as it sounds a big part of me just wants to be even a little pretty and I just don't see it ever happening. And I'm really getting the feelig that I am making a horrible mistake and that this is just silly and I'm just messed up in my head and when the HRT takes full effect I'll just be this hideous non-man, non-woman. So you're not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I've been on HRT for two months and I have had no doubts but now all the sudden I just feel paralyzed. Maybe it will pass. Maybe it wont'. Maybe I should stop HRT. I just don't know.

Quote from: kyh on April 23, 2013, 06:52:47 PM

Idk, I know I can't change your mind or anything... Just wanted to add that little comment ^_^ believe in yourself!!! Okay?

Oh I'm not considering stopping HRT at all. I've waited my entire life for this. And I know I'll pass 100 percent one day. A year or so ago, I had to show some guy my license cause he did not believe I was a man. I just sometimes have creeping doubts because of things my ex said. Of course, she also wouldn't let me pluck my eyebrows too much as she said she didn't want to date someone prettier than her so I don't know what to think sometimes. Sometimes I feel so needy cause I need so much validation. I'm sure it's normal for someone in such an early state of transition.

I don't want to derail the OP's thread though so I'll stop whining lol

Hey Kristen,

Don't worry about venting, sometimes it is needed.

I'm sorry to hear your current situation.  I can't tell you if this is just a fetish for you or not.  This is only a question that you can answer with the aid of your therapist.  It is tough, but you will discover in time. 

As for passing, believe me, there are plenty of middle age women who pass well.  Generally, many trans people who pass and have gone through it all live in stealth.  So, it really is not easy to make an assessment on every transwoman and their passability. Even many who aren't in stealth are stunning and pass very well. However, transitioning is tough and people will be able to notice the initial changes.  It is an awkward phase, but it does pass with time and lots of work.

I wish you luck on your discovery and your transition if you choose to go down that path.  If you ever need a friend to vent to, I am always here

It's rough being who we are. It's frightening within itself because society hasn't fully accepted us just yet. But I think it's appropriate to vent like you're doing. It's healthier than keeping it bottled in. You need an outlet, or two even. I think we all come across this problem. I myself have recently. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm just delusional. Like questioning myself, am I really trans? I feel that I am, but because it's such a huge thing... it's just scary.

I hope everything goes better for you soon.

Thank you all for responding  , it's nice to know we all have similar concerns, doubt and struggles. It all just caught up to me yesterday. To be honest I'm a tad embarrassed but I needed to do it or I would have exploded.

I had a talk with my wife last night and we didn't come to any conclusion but I was able to voice my feelings a bit and that helped. Also reading your replies and texting a girlfriend has helped. I have tough decisions to make and those decisions are going to hurt some people, but I guess some things are inevitable.

Thank you JoanneB, you're right I am projecting too far in the future, I have a long way to worry how I will be treated at work, as I'm a a way off from coming out at work. I have to take a day at a time.

Jarred, so glad you replied, I love being able to see your perspective, thank you.

All in all I feel much better today and I will build on that for now!

Kristen

Quote from: kristenlaura on April 24, 2013, 09:36:32 AM
Thank you all for responding  , it's nice to know we all have similar concerns, doubt and struggles. It all just caught up to me yesterday. To be honest I'm a tad embarrassed but I needed to do it or I would have exploded.

I had a talk with my wife last night and we didn't come to any conclusion but I was able to voice my feelings a bit and that helped. Also reading your replies and texting a girlfriend has helped. I have tough decisions to make and those decisions are going to hurt some people, but I guess some things are inevitable.

Thank you JoanneB, you're right I am projecting too far in the future, I have a long way to worry how I will be treated at work, as I'm a a way off from coming out at work. I have to take a day at a time.

Jarred, so glad you replied, I love being able to see your perspective, thank you.

All in all I feel much better today and I will build on that for now!

Kristen

Glad to hear you are having a better day! And don't feel embarrassed about your post.  We all need to vent sometimes.  Just know you always have a group of people here for you if you ever need to vent again or need support.

Thought about this this morning in reference to how other people view us . . .

I once worked with a guy who was our lead programmer. This guy was a "piece of work", short, chubby, lacked most social graces, grunted mostly instead of talked, yelled at people all the time, no one really liked him and often made fun of him. However he was there a long time and knew the computer programs of the business systems inside and out. In otherwords "locked in" to the company.

This was years ago when I still identified as CD, in fact I had never met another CD or TG person (that I knew of). Anyway we're all at lunch and this guy comes up to us and says "I can't believe I just had a meeting with a vendor and one of the people in the meeting was a guy, dressed as a woman" He went on to say how distracted he was and he couldn't get over seeing her dark arms hairs poking out from her blouse. A bunch of other comments too, I think at that point someone made fun of him being turned on and we never heard anything again.

It just dawned on me that here's this guy, who everyone made fun of, a real loser and a jerk and he's the one making fun of this poor trans-person. I'm sure we would have all much preferred to work with the woman.

I'm wondering now how many of you have had similar experiences before you transitioned with meeting a TG person but at a time you were unable to have any sort of contact for fear of being outted.

Quote from: kristenlaura on April 24, 2013, 03:12:55 PM
I'm wondering now how many of you have had similar experiences before you transitioned with meeting a TG person but at a time you were unable to have any sort of contact for fear of being outted.

People think I'm trans no matter what I do. I can't tell you how many times people have just out of the blue started asking me weird questions about sex changes liek how do you get rid of an adam's apple or how people get depressed after SRS or hinting what I would look like as a woman and various things. People always use a feminized version of my name as well. Ironically, my mom thinks I'm this manly man and doesn't seem to want to understand why I am doing what I am doing. But it'll be nice to just be thought of as a woman and not trans. Hopefully one day I'll be able to pass well and that will be the case. So tangentially I guess that is similar to your one experience except the fact that I'm always on the receiving end. But people who have said this stuff have never been mean about it. It was like they almost wanted me to get SRS. Of course i the woman the jerk guy was referring to had shaved a little better maybe he wouldn't fave noticed. I think that is what we all fear: not passing and ->-bleeped-<- like that happening.

I am on the verge of HRT, 50 and feel much anxiety over the same issues you brought up. The beach issue is going to be a big one later this summer for me and I thought about a wet suit top, perhaps.

Wife, yes, I identify very much with your post.

Job, yes, I identify exactly.

I am trans. I know it is not a fetish for me.

One thing you did not mention but is my biggest issue, bigger than being trans. Taking a stand and letting others know how I feel. I do not mean, I like pickles on my hamberger and if you do not then tuff.  I mean I am trans and I am going to do and be me. Then, figure out what I want and be me.

Thanks for the reply Joanna, I think it was mostly the guy (he was a jerk to everyone), I think it made him feel better that (in his mind) here was someone he could make fun of, maybe to make him feel better about himself.

I guess I don't fully understand your predicament, are you full time and people read you as trans instead of a woman? Judging by your photo I can't see that happening. Your mother sees you how her mind wants to see you. My wife tells me all the time you look exactly like yourself just in girl clothes. Kind of hurts my feelings, but I understand because she wants to see me as her old strong and hairy husband she married. When in fact I get compliments about my looks. I guess it's like people say, our loved ones are in transition too, so we have to remember to cut them some slack.

To Cynthia, I have read some of your posts and know you are in the Philly area, I am too. PM me if you want, our situations are similar, and we are in the same generation. As you probably know our area is full of wonderful resources and I have utilized many of them.