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[girl you look fierce]

.

[Nero]

What's eating you, hon? Dysphoria? Body issues?

[Ltl89]

I can relate a lot with that.  I've gone through periods where I was upset and disgusted with myself for being who I was.  However, it is really not a good place to be in.  The fact is that no matter how bad things may seem, there is always a solution.  For me I needed to change my perception of life and myself.  This isn't easy, but it makes life much easier and allows you to shoot for your goals.  Transitioning is great and can solve a great many things; however, you can't expect it to solve everything.  Self esteem and confidence are not developed from just ones appearance.  It is an internal outlook that is developed through learning and lots of work.  Believe me, I know things can seem bleak, but it gets better. 

In the meantime, it never hurts to talk to someone about this.   Do you have friends who you can talk to?  Are you in therapy?  Talking about this can really be helpful.  If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to let me know.

[Ltl89]

You are posting in a forum titled ARGHHH.  If you can't vent here, where can you vent?

I think the best thing to do is not worry about others and just express yourself the way you want.  Even if you ask yourself if this is really you, ignore it.  Just be and act the way you desire to.  That's all that matters.  I am fairly shy, but I would love be more warm and expressive in person.  When I get more confidence to be more open, I don't question it, I enjoy it. Maybe being more expressive isn't how I act all the time, but that's how I want to act.  We are trained to hide ourselves from other and often put on a fake persona to avoid detection.  Many people feel the need to live for others or seek to reach the expectations of others.  It's normal to act differently when you feel you can be open.  So, just be yourself and don't question it.  Just enjoy it.  Live for yourself.

[FrancisAnn]

Honestly I don't even really know it's like dysphoria itself just slowly became my mode of thinking about almost everything... maybe it is still an identity crisis, not just like being trans... but like I want an identity I never had and that everyone else seems to have, male or female... and I am constantly trying to put myself in one image or another and it's always wrong and always makes me feel guilty. And if I ever find an image of me that actually seems like me I hate it and reject it.  Like I am trying to present something to everyone else just to seem together when I am falling apart, cause I can't just enjoy life, everywhere I go and everything I do is so narrated in my head because I'm always just waiting to make more mistakes and for everything to go wrong and bad..

If it helps you are not alone in your strain. Maybe just try & relax as a person, not one way or the other.

[Nero]

Honestly I don't even really know it's like dysphoria itself just slowly became my mode of thinking about almost everything... maybe it is still an identity crisis, not just like being trans... but like I want an identity I never had and that everyone else seems to have, male or female... and I am constantly trying to put myself in one image or another and it's always wrong and always makes me feel guilty. And if I ever find an image of me that actually seems like me I hate it and reject it.  Like I am trying to present something to everyone else just to seem together when I am falling apart, cause I can't just enjoy life, everywhere I go and everything I do is so narrated in my head because I'm always just waiting to make more mistakes and for everything to go wrong and bad..

I think this is normal for trans people. Gender is such a huge part of identity and a lot of people's identities are based around it - being a man or being a woman. The average guy feels good about himself when he judges himself and his actions as 'manly'. And so the average woman, even though she may not articulate it that way. The average woman is more likely to frame it as being a good wife, mother, being 'sexy' and doing what she can for her appearance as well as being helpful and selfless in general - being 'good'. (yeah, I know it's a stereotype, but the average man and woman on the street is like this). When a man falls short of what he sees as 'manly', he feels bad, maybe even guilty. And the same for the woman.

Now, for people like us, there's this huge disconnect from what we naturally are like and what society expects. So when we feel 'good' about ourselves and our behavior, society feels bad about us. And when we try to fix ourselves at a young age so society, parents, peers, etc won't punish us, we end up unhappy with ourselves because we don't fit our own images and expectations. The result is we simultaneously feel bad all the time because we're forced to choose between pleasing ourselves and not being crapped on by society. If you be yourself, that's unacceptable. If you try to be what you're 'supposed to be', you're miserable. It's no wonder some of us have identity crises.

I guess the key is to realize that you don't have to pretend anymore and just be you. Easier said than done, I know.

[demon]

this is how i feel also and im suicidal

[Devlyn]

this is how i feel also and im suicidal

Welcome to Susan's Place, Demon! We have suicide hotline numbers posted in many ares of the site. If you are feeling overwhelmed please call one of them for assistance, they are there to help. Your life is too important to throw away.Hugs, Devlyn

[XchristineX]

If its any help....cis girls are plagued with the same issues..
Being girly to fit in the norm men want...

We are a male dominated species...they have unrealistic
Expectations for us....and all girls and ts girls have the same
Issues....remember how far we came.  From a time when
Being trans also meant you were a prostitute. .

A time when woman couldn't vote...or even get a job...

We have come a long ways baby....now we can be strong and
Feminine at the same time. ...

[Arch]

A few months ago in therapy, I figured out something about myself. I already knew that I couldn't handle positivity. I can't stand compliments (well, I've worked on this in recent years). I tend to think that happy people just don't GET it. And I tear myself down a lot.

But I learned something else. The only time I uniformly assert myself and my identity in a positive way is when someone opposes me or people like me. I can handle dragons fine. Nice people, not so much. And I'm not nice to myself. Apparently, I spent my whole life seeing myself the way other people didn't, and I had a lot of internal defiance about it--ever since I was a kid. So in order to feel positive about myself, I usually need someone to tear me down or say bad things about LGBT people or whatever.

Two sides of the same coin. There's more, but I'm not comfortable talking about it in public. The upshot is that I have to learn to be kind to myself. And my therapist admits that it's a tall order, after I have spent decades thinking I was a freak. I still do. I am the sicko perv that lurks inside my head, where people cannot see it. I don't deserve anything nice. Only when people attack me do I stand up for myself...and I usually do that privately, in a journal or inside my head.

To eradicate these patterns will take time and patience...and practice. Lots of practice.

[Shantel]

Why is it that everything I eat or drink gets splattered, dripped or has to goo up the front of my tops and no matter what I do it invariably stains permanently? I am very careful and try not to be a slob, but this is really pissing me off no end!