Friendships

[Jared]

I think I'm starting to lose my friends. At first they were cool about me transitioning and even said it's not gonna do anything to our friendship. I was happy. And now they gradually started to disconnect. They don't say anything that would mean it's end but every time I try to make some program, everbody's busy or whatever. I stopped planning things with them, stopped to write them, I only see them in school where we are talking about school stuff. If I don't write or call them weeks passing by and we're not talking. I knew it might happen if I start transitioning, and I understand it takes time to accept me. I tried to talk to them why they act the way they do. They said everything's fine, they are just busy and another excuses. This goes on for half a year. If I weren't this lonely, I would ignore it and accept they weren't my true friends, but it still hurts. Probably I'm not alone with this, I'm not sure if I should try to work it out or just ignore. What do you guys think? I mean I tried to work out, maybe not the right way. Plus, my school ends within a month which is cool cause I have to present female these days and it really frustrates me. It's like I've had enough just before the end. I hate college, I hate the degree I'll get, I hate all the jobs I could get with the degree, and I hate the person I have to be almost every day. Uhh. End of rant.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Jared,

It seems it's time to move on.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about "working through it." It's their call as to whether they are your real friends. Just remember; those that matter, don't care. And those that don't care, don't matter.

Time to move on and make some real friends. One's you can trust as you go through thick and thin. Sure it sucks, but that's life. Some peeps just don't want to understand.

Head up and move on.

Huggs
Catherine

[democration]

Obviously I don't know all the details of your situation, but I can sympathize. I don't know if you can be sure that this disconnect is because of your decision to transition, though. Friendships have a tendency to be very transient things through college. I don't mean to say that's always the case, because I'm sure plenty of people have met and maintained fantastic relationships in school, but I think generally they just come and go.

I had a pretty tight-knit group of friends at the end of high school, and I've hardly talked to any of them since graduation. It seems to me like that's what's expected, when people are moving to different cities and going to different colleges--they just don't have the time to socialize so much when they have this responsibility to go to work or study for college exams. I had this happen before I came out, which unfortunately left me with very little in the way of a close support group, and after a few months I gave up on trying to keep up with any of them.

I've been away from my home state of Oklahoma for about a year now, which is where all of my friends are. I literally have no friends outside of that state because I started struggling with my identity pretty intensely just after I left, and refused to go out and socialize. I'm going back to Oklahoma now, in about two weeks actually, and moving into an apartment with two of my friends from high school.

Things can either work themselves out or sort of fade into nonexistence. In my experience, trying to make things work isn't going to help unless they're receptive to it. Friendship is a two-way street, and it requires an effort on both sides. People change and grow and sometimes that means leaving behind old relationships, whether intentionally or not. I'm sorry. :-(

[Simon]

It hurts man, I know it does. I've been through it twice. Once because of trans issues and once when my whole cancer ordeal started. When major events in someone's life takes place is when you really find out who has your back. There are a lot of "fair weather friends" in the World.

The best thing I've known to do is just move on. If there has been no big falling out (doesn't sound like their has) just keep the line of communication open if they want to contact you but don't worry about it either way. Easier said then done of course but everyone has lives to live so no point in clinging to something that's not there right now.

With your College situation are you able to change your major? If you're getting a degree in something that you're already unhappy with you might be better off changing it now instead of waiting five or ten years when you're completely miserable and end up going back to school anyway. I know you said you're presenting as female at that school so is there any way you could transfer elsewhere and continue your education as male?

[Natkat]

I also lost friends due to transition or for the fact that I moved from my schools.
I feel its hard to gain the same relationship with friends as before cause I tend to expect more from them than I used to.

before I just cared of them being my friend, but now theres the whole trans and GLBT and all that invold, so if people say something hurtfull to someone it atomaitically gonna infect me cause I might know one of thoese people or person in same category, also I wont be able to invite them in the same room as for big partys. its very akward.

I guess you can call them, saying your really aprove they would call you and talk to you and its not only you who have to call, but if they still dont contact you then theres not more you can do of it.
it always hurt no matter the reason.

[Jared]

Thanks for your support Catherine, and you're probably right, I just would like to know what some of you think.

@democration: yeah I'm pretty sure the disconnect is because of my decision, it started when I came out to them.  What you wrote about school relationships is true. I just thought it's "different" or I don't know. My 3 friends are still friends, nothing changed between them, just between me and them. I also don't talk to high school friends and it's ok cause almost everyone moved to another city, me too, when I'm right now I plan to stay so I expected this friendship will last.
Good luck to you moving in with your friends.
Thanks for your opinion and support.

@Simon: leaving the line of communication open but doesn't worry about it a good advice, I actually do this for a while, well it's obvious I'm worrying lol. I'm gonna try to not. I guess it gets better with time. I'm sorry you've been there too.
I'm not able to change major, it's gonna be my last month. That's why I decided to wait with the name change until I get my degree, I was like I can make it and doesn't have to deal with my class. And I'm finishing this if I started and I'm so close to the end.

@Natkat: I'm sorry you also lost friends because of transition. I guess I'm somehow the same way as you, I expect maybe too much respect. Thanks for your advice too, I might tell this at last and then just move on.

[Natkat]

@Natkat: I'm sorry you also lost friends because of transition. I guess I'm somehow the same way as you, I expect maybe too much respect. Thanks for your advice too, I might tell this at last and then just move on.

Last yeah I lost a good friend of mine which I belived to be very surportive untill she agree on one of her friends saying transgender less than 18 shouldnt be able to have threatment(as in homones and suchs) and being gay where something you where raised to and stuff like that.
it really surprized me as she is bisexual herself and I always been 100% open that im trans and started my transition very early, and the only reason I didnt start on homones before I where 18 was because my mom at that time where very ignorant and agenst me tranition.

I guess I could look pass her words and opinions, I really try not to let political view jugde to much on who I can be friends with or not, but it hits very hard when you are less than 18 and know how difficult it is, and then are to
defend yourself and others why you dont find it fair that you cant get homones, and why its not fair you cant choose your own name, unless your forced to sterilization and all this crazy thing.

she did want to be friend with me afterward and she didnt understand why it should break our friendship because we didnt agree on everything. I had mixed opinion whatever or not I been too harsh on cutting her out, but her opinion hurt alot when you been in the situations you are. I think when you experience things and had friends in very difficult situations, then its very hard to be indiffrence about the topic and not really mind.

she was my biggest lost of friend and even a year after I still miss her abit somethimes,
the other people arnt really all that lost, I just find it harder to bond with them either because we have moved or because politically we turn in diffrent dirrections and comunetys where it getting harder to stay together.
having male cisgender friends who is very gender binary and mix it with non binary femeninsm trans comunety for an exemple, can be a challengde and akward when you have to visit one friend and then another but not both at the same time.

[aleon515]

Yeah for me, I have. I lost a couple "friends" very initially. One of them, I never really came out to her, but she just stopped calling me back etc. I just started dressing male. When I went from questioning or genderqueer to male, some people have responded like it really bothered them. One of them only now seems to be coming around (I kind of thought she would). The other one I am giving her space to make her own decisions. It sucks. I felt rotten when I seemed to have lost about 3 friends in a month. As it happened that didn't quite happen.

I am guessing, I'm going to move on in some ways.
Sorry as I know how this must be for you.

--Jay

[Jared]

Last yeah I lost a good friend of mine which I belived to be very surportive untill she agree on one of her friends saying transgender less than 18 shouldnt be able to have threatment(as in homones and suchs) and being gay where something you where raised to and stuff like that.
it really surprized me as she is bisexual herself and I always been 100% open that im trans and started my transition very early, and the only reason I didnt start on homones before I where 18 was because my mom at that time where very ignorant and agenst me tranition.

I guess I could look pass her words and opinions, I really try not to let political view jugde to much on who I can be friends with or not, but it hits very hard when you are less than 18 and know how difficult it is, and then are to
defend yourself and others why you dont find it fair that you cant get homones, and why its not fair you cant choose your own name, unless your forced to sterilization and all this crazy thing.

she did want to be friend with me afterward and she didnt understand why it should break our friendship because we didnt agree on everything. I had mixed opinion whatever or not I been too harsh on cutting her out, but her opinion hurt alot when you been in the situations you are. I think when you experience things and had friends in very difficult situations, then its very hard to be indiffrence about the topic and not really mind.

she was my biggest lost of friend and even a year after I still miss her abit somethimes,
the other people arnt really all that lost, I just find it harder to bond with them either because we have moved or because politically we turn in diffrent dirrections and comunetys where it getting harder to stay together.
having male cisgender friends who is very gender binary and mix it with non binary femeninsm trans comunety for an exemple, can be a challengde and akward when you have to visit one friend and then another but not both at the same time.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I just can't understand how these people can disconnect after all the things we've been through. That sounded lame :'D But really, I already lost so close friends that I never thaught I'd lose (not everyone for trans issues). Weird. But it's also good that you have that much friends that sometimes you have to worry about they meeting 

Yeah for me, I have. I lost a couple "friends" very initially. One of them, I never really came out to her, but she just stopped calling me back etc. I just started dressing male. When I went from questioning or genderqueer to male, some people have responded like it really bothered them. One of them only now seems to be coming around (I kind of thought she would). The other one I am giving her space to make her own decisions. It sucks. I felt rotten when I seemed to have lost about 3 friends in a month. As it happened that didn't quite happen.

I am guessing, I'm going to move on in some ways.
Sorry as I know how this must be for you.

--Jay

Yeah, for the first time I really thaught I'm the big failure for losing them. Now I start to don't care, if I wouldn't sit in my room all the time that would be great. With losing them I almost lost everyone who were close to me. Except my flatmates. They're really cool people. I'd like to move on and make new friends, I hope you'll be succesfull in this.

Thanks for the responses, they made me feel better.