Giving up on my dreams

[milktea]

Now I understand that your point is well made and made with good intentions. But the reality is, cost is not the issue. Cost is just a hurdle. If cost were such an issue then none of us would ever own a car or a house or almost anything that we cannot immediately pay for.

The issue standing in the way of transition are:

Local laws and regulations. I am not prepared to make myself into a clown for anyone. If I choose to wear a dress I will, but I won't wear a dress or stuff a bra with socks, just to prove to some medic that I am not just pretending to be transgender.

Social pressures. I've been beaten up many times because of my gender problems. Not because I was presenting as female, but because I was seen as such. I've been raped. I've had my crotch felt, I recall once, being. pushed to the back of a store room by three big guys, and ordered to drop my trousers so they could see if I actually had male parts.

Dealing with demons. If you don't have any then I'm pleased. For those who do, nothing can help. It's just the reality of life.

Fear.

Am I a coward. Yep.

How do I explain others achieving what I have not? They are braver and smarter and better people than I can or will ever be.

Do those realisations make things any easier? No. But they do mean that my admiration for those those who have taken that leap is perhaps understandable.

But coming here, surrounded by those who know and understand. It can only ever be second best, true. But it's a lot better than nothing at all.

i'm looking at $$ because the op mentioned it. but you are right on the problems that comes with transition...it is a huge hurdle and depending on your circumstances may not be easy to get over. or even not able to get over at all.

i feel very sorry for what you've been through. rest assure that people are not all better braver or smarter than you. some are but taht is not measured by the fact that they completed transition. the point is as you have mentioned about the french...what you are now is the result of actions you have decided to take in light of given circumstances. eveeyone is unhappy about their decisions at some point but what's important is doing the things that will make it better. there is no right or wrong answer but only what you choose to do with your time that'll make you happier.

[spacial]

Thank you for the support milktea. Though, while the points I made are relevant to me personally, I was attempting to highlight a range of complications which I believe affect most people.

Personally, it has always been my experience that money can be found once we put our minds to it. I am truely sorry for those that were never taught to manage money, but it's just a tool. I don't want to risk creating too much anxiety for some. So I'll leave it there.

[mowdan6]

Want to thank all of you for your replies.  I do like the person I am now after years of transitioning.  Tired of the body issues holding me back from moving forward.  I know not many trans people deal with severe body dysphoria.  It's something I have dealt with all my life.  And I am doing my best to move forward in spite of.