Frustrated

[Kade1985]

I just need to rant I think, so forgive me.

I'm frustrated by a lot of things at the moment. I want to be able to hide my physical sex but find it more difficult than I had planned. My chest is bigger (like d cups and I freaking hate it), I'm a bit over weight (and I've been trying to exorcize to lose it), and blarg.

I want to chest bind, but right now I just finished my second semester in college, very very little money left from financial aid this year, I'm a bit too nervous to try the ace bandage route for fear of damaging my back or something, and chest binders I've looked at online are measured in sizes I don't know how to translate into how big my chest is.

I just wish I were born a guy so that this wasn't such a difficulty. Like seriously, it's frustrating as hell all of a sudden. I've tried a few "home remedies" for chest binding but none seem to fully work right now. Or heck, I wish I had a smaller chest so it was easier to hide at least.

I hate referring to myself as a woman right now, but I'm one of those kinds of women that has a bigger chest where I just simply cannot get away without wearing a bra. I feel stupid when I wander the house with just shorts and a t-shirt on but not wearing a bra cause they're just so.. bam in my face, but my bras are uncomfortable as hell (couldn't find a decent sports bra in my size).

I hate being a woman. I wish were as simple as.. I dunno detachable body parts, that would be nice too. -facedesk-

/end rant

[Anna++]

I like the idea of detachable body parts.  We could arrange for a Susan's-swap meetup!

[Kade1985]

I like the idea of detachable body parts.  We could arrange for a Susan's-swap meetup!

I would totally go there too

[StellaB]

I wish were as simple as.. I dunno detachable body parts, that would be nice too.

Ooh yes, not to mention detachable body fat.

[Larisa]

I can relate so well for example like as to when I wear cute short girl jeans around the house when I dress up when alone and have the bulge in the shorts and sometimes it's annoying to me, very annoying to me.

[Ltl89]

Hey Jerred,

I know that it sucks.  Believe me, we are all going through (or have) gender dysphoria.  I don't know too much about the ftm route, but I know that many get top surgery to feel better.  While I am sure it isn't cheap (I know from looking at my future srs costs), now is a good time to start saving. Even if you work part time while going through college, you can earn something to invest into your future.  It will take time and things won't improve overnight, but you will get there. And one day you will get to live as the handsome man you've always been inside. 

And there is no need to apologize about ranting.  I too hate aspects about my body and wish that I could change or hide them.  Today, I had to hear about how my mom was showing pictures of me to her friends and what a handsome hunk they all thought I was.  Even though she had good intentions, it was like putting a knife into my heart. I have been working on feminizing myself and to hear that was a major set back and depressing point for me. 

We just have to be strong and take the hard stuff that transitioning will throw at us.  But we have to hold some faith that things will get better and must work to reach our goals. 

[Kade1985]

Thanks everyone, I know I'm not the first to deal with it... but it was good to rant a bit about it and get words of encouragement and understanding. I'm feeling a little better, my bestfriend dragged me into a game and we played for about an hour and it was a good distraction as well.

I'm still feeling a bit of the frustration, and it's kind of a shocker to me. Like it's hard to explain... up until recently I always like said stuff like I wish I were a guy or I should've been born a guy.. and I always knew I've had the mannerisms of a dude and I felt like a dude half the time but until it just up and dawned on me why that was I never felt a whole lot of dysphoria, but it hit me in the face today and I just felt uncomfortable and a bit agitated from it.

[jackofspades]

Hey man, I'm sorry. Detachable body parts would be fantastic, I love that idea. I myself still feel the same dysphoria, though I am in a different boat as I've already begun transition. Even though I pass as male I still feel you, sometimes just waking up and knowing you're not in the right body is sickening. But stay strong and we'll all get to where we need to be, in time.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone, I know I'm not the first to deal with it... but it was good to rant a bit about it and get words of encouragement and understanding. I'm feeling a little better, my bestfriend dragged me into a game and we played for about an hour and it was a good distraction as well.

I'm still feeling a bit of the frustration, and it's kind of a shocker to me. Like it's hard to explain... up until recently I always like said stuff like I wish I were a guy or I should've been born a guy.. and I always knew I've had the mannerisms of a dude and I felt like a dude half the time but until it just up and dawned on me why that was I never felt a whole lot of dysphoria, but it hit me in the face today and I just felt uncomfortable and a bit agitated from it.

Hugs

It's tough and unfair that you have to go through this, but it will be over soon if you keep making progress. 

[Amy The Bookworm]

I'm still feeling a bit of the frustration, and it's kind of a shocker to me. Like it's hard to explain... up until recently I always like said stuff like I wish I were a guy or I should've been born a guy.. and I always knew I've had the mannerisms of a dude and I felt like a dude half the time but until it just up and dawned on me why that was I never felt a whole lot of dysphoria, but it hit me in the face today and I just felt uncomfortable and a bit agitated from it.

This is me at the moment, only in reverse. Up until 3 years ago, I always felt out of place in my gender. Kinda like "I shouldn't be this way. But whadayagunado?" Then I took a class in anthropology and the professor discussed transgender issues and I nearly jumped up and yelled "Holy pigmeys, THATS ME!"

Even then, it took me 3 more years of thinking and soul searching to get to the point I feel that it's time to stop trying to deny it or ignore it and do something about it. That was about 3 months ago. About all I've done is experiment with makeup when I know my wife isn't around. It makes me feel pathetic that I havn't done more than that so far. I can't even bring myself to even try on women's clothing at the moment, because I KNOW I'll look like a man in a dress.

Baby steps, Amy, baby steps.

But anyway, over the last three months I went from this pretty much just being something in the back of my mind that was my dark little secret and that was the end of it, to where now? Now there are times when I want to just burst into tears about it. But wait! I can't even do that! Because, and like you, I have to refer to myself as my assigned gender for the moment, which I hate having to do, but I'm 'a guy'. Guy's aren't supposed to cry. 'We're' supposed to be stoic. Stable. Strong in the face of advesaries and challanges.

But the truth is, I want to throw myself on my bed and just cry for hours, especialy when something comes along and smacks me in the face that I'm not a woman. Like just a bit ago. I brushed my teeth. Simple little thing, I do it every day.

But today? Today I looked in the mirror and just stared. It's not that I'm unattractive. It's just . . . I'm keenly aware that the person looking back at me isn't me. That's a typical realisation for me too. It just . . . today? Today it really made me feel pathetic. How am I going to make THIS look like THAT. I'm just thinking to myself at the moment, "There's no way. There's no freaking way you are ever going to pass. And when you try? Amy, You're always going to look like-like a freak!"

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that throwing myself from one of the near by dams in the area doesn't some days sound like a good idea. I have no idea what it is that keeps me from doing that, but something does. So I continue on.

But i'm so unhappy about it some days because I really just want to give up rather than hurt my family, risk loseing the respect I have from people, and so on, all in what some times feels like little more than a selfish need to be myself.

Guess . . . I'm just saying, I think I know how you feel. And You're not the only one who feels that way. I just need to do what's best for me. The hardest part about it is I know I'm going to hurt people doing it. But if I don't do anything, then eventualy I'm going to snap and do the above. And that would hurt them too.