on physical appearance

[shawnael]

I've told three of my friends that I'm bigender, and they pretty much said, "Oh, well, duh. That makes sense." I also told two people outside my circle of friends, mostly out of need for an explanation. They didn't really understand, but I think they can accept it as part of my personality. But that's beside the point.

I've mentioned before, I cut my hair. This is a current picture- http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/shawnael/IMG_1026.jpg  We really like it, because I can easily hide the longer part under a cap and pass for male (which He likes to do, so He doesn't feel so trapped all the time). And I can let it down for a more feminine look (mostly for my mother's sake). I haven't yet told my family what's going on, but I've been working on telling my sister. However, she said something last night that simultaneously hurt my (well, our) feelings and turned me off to telling her.

We were in the bathroom, playing with our hair, and I mentioned that I would love to just buzz it all off. I was half-joking, I don't think I could be that brave, and I kind of like long hair sometimes.

She said, "That's a bad idea. You'll look like a dude, and it wouldn't be very flattering." Now, this may not sound like an insulting comment, but she's been shooting me down like this a lot recently. He wanted to cry, because He thought she meant that we'd make an ugly guy, and I was upset because a) she really hurt His feelings and b) I don't think she'll be able to understand or accept us.

Maybe we're blowing this out of proportion, but it really did hurt.

(To those of you who've come out to your families) how did you handle it? How did they react? Should I just shut up and pretend to be "just a girl"?

[Pica Pica]

When he is out to play and they say something, it might be best to say that sometimes you have a masculine side you like to express. That's usually easy enough to understand, and they will understand your intentions better.

[Tay]

I've not come out to my family and likely never will.  In fact, pretty soon, I suspect that I will be excommunicated from my family.

That said, judging from your hair-pic, you make a good looking dude when you want to and when he wants out.

Heck, buzz cuts can look good and even be feminine on anyone, it just depends on skull shape.  Case in point: Exhibit A.  I looked more feminine with my hair buzzed than I did about 7 months later with my hair grown out some.  Exhibit B.  (Admittedly I'm girled out in my prom pic, but also consider how masculine I looked with waist-length hair.  Exhibit C and Exhibit D.  Both of those pics were taken about 2 weeks before Prom, btw.)

Besides, it's your hair.  And it's your life.  If he wants to come out to play, let him.  It will be better for you in the long run.  I'm not bigendered, but trust me when I say that trying to "be a girl" when part of you is rebelling (in my case, all of me going "NUUU!") hurts like a beeyotch.

[Keira]

I agree, more feminine in first picture, but with the dress, its kind of hard to look just at the hair :-).
But, I think you look boyish, more attractive and more androgyne, in the second picture.
I think the long tied hair actually puts less hair around your face
and while strangely it does make you look more male, I find it suits you less.

Hey, its my opinion Tay, please don't shoot me (hehe).

[Tay]

Hey, I'm not gonna shoot you!  Fact is, I hated the long hair.  I only grew it that long because I had my hair cut as short as it is in the second picture when I was 7, and got mistaken for a little boy in my father's presence.  He took me aside, told me "I have a son and a daughter, not two sons.  If you ever cut your hair again, so help me, you will NEVER see your mother again."  My response to that was sheer terror to the point that I was too scared to cut my hair for almost 11 years.  I shaved my head at 18 partially as a fundraiser for cancer research and partially as an F-you to him.  Of course, he hasn't seen so much as a photo of me since I was 16, but whatever.  I did indeed donate my hair.  It was almost 2.5 feet long and it went to an organisation that makes real-hair wigs for children with cancer.

I KNOW I looked bad with long hair.  I know that it did not suit me.  And I know that having it gone is incredibly good for my psyche because I am not reminded of my father every single time I look in the mirror.

[Deepfriedness]

I used to have the same issues with hair, just from a different perspective.

Every month until I left home my father would troop me off to the barbers for a crew cut without fail. Being a cop and all, he never knew any different. We used to argue over it every month, but I would always end up in tears and would back down (which made him more mad). In a way, it was heartbreaking because I felt like part of my identity always belonged to him.

The most difficult part of that control was how my family were so absolute on gender role that they nigh on disowned me when I told them I'd fallen ill with mental health issues. Having an unemployed, long haired and emotional son was too shameful. If they knew I was also a homemaker who occasionally wears girls clothes It would be World War III 

Anyway, I disgress. In the end, the only way to beat him was to leave home... and i've let my hair grow wild and free in various colours ever since. It's tough trying to beat the prejudices of a family, but it is possible.

It's sad to see others on this thread having similar issues, but it warms my heart to know that you've started to beat them too. Kudos! 

[J.T.]

She said, "That's a bad idea. You'll look like a dude, and it wouldn't be very flattering." Now, this may not sound like an insulting comment, but she's been shooting me down like this a lot recently. He wanted to cry, because He thought she meant that we'd make an ugly guy, and I was upset because a) she really hurt His feelings and b) I don't think she'll be able to understand or accept us.

this has happened to me too... i think the only way to stop it is to tell your family what is going on.  Then if they say comments like that again you can call them on it.

[Vanessa V.]

Its interesting to hear about bigenders in female bodies....

As one in a male's body, its amazing how much we share!

I haven't come out to my family, and sometimes I get the, "oh, don't do this or that. You look like a girl"

And I so want to say, so?

Its tough for our other-sides. I know she really wants to come out and express herself, but is so trapped! I'm sure the guy inside of you feels the same way...

They should get medals for being so strong.

-Nessa

[sparkles]

im really struggling with the whole apperance thing some days it becomes the only thing i think will make a differnce then other days i dont care as long as im emotinally balanced. i really carnt decide if my apperance is important to who i am or not

[ssindysmith]

I'm not sure how you might take this but I looked at your picture first before I read your post, I thought you were a guy trying to look like a girl.

[shawnael]

Its interesting to hear about bigenders in female bodies....

As one in a male's body, its amazing how much we share!

I haven't come out to my family, and sometimes I get the, "oh, don't do this or that. You look like a girl"

And I so want to say, so?

Its tough for our other-sides. I know she really wants to come out and express herself, but is so trapped! I'm sure the guy inside of you feels the same way...

They should get medals for being so strong.

-Nessa

That's pretty much it. I wish I didn't feel so uncomfortable telling them.

We still haven't thought of a name for Him. He likes Kevin, but I like Keith more. Meh, we'll figure it out.

im really struggling with the whole apperance thing some days it becomes the only thing i think will make a differnce then other days i dont care as long as im emotinally balanced. i really carnt decide if my apperance is important to who i am or not

I definitely feel that my appearance is important. It's an outward expression of myself, and it does affect my mood. If I look bad, I feel bad. Which is why I am pretty big on physical fitness. I don't care about what people think about my appearance, but I always care about how I look.

I'm not sure how you might take this but I looked at your picture first before I read your post, I thought you were a guy trying to look like a girl.

Actually, that made us giggle.

[Lyric]

I, too saw your pic, shawnael, and assumed you were a male bigenderist (then I did the same with Tay). You're very lucky. You are a good looking person with features that look good as either gender. I can tell you from experience the best way to deal with parents or anyone giving you a hard time about how you look is to look as good as you can-- whether it's good for a boy or good for a girl. You might find a sympathic hairstylist who'll give you some gender crossing style advice. The long-short thing as definitely interesting. You may not always want to wear a hat when going boyish, though.

As a g-male bigenderist, it's nice to here from other bigendered folks here. It's not easy being us. While I have deep respect for the pains TS's go through, I have always envied the fact that they have a sharply defined situation and a certain degree of social understanding. This is not yet the case for bigendered persons. We have to sort of pave our own path. The more we share the better.

[Pica Pica]

Pave might be good, I think hack with a machete is more accurate.

[Shana A]

I thought you were a guy trying to look like a girl.

One of my favorite moments was once telling someone I was transgender, and they asked which way? They'd thought I was already a woman, trying to become a man 

zythyra

[shawnael]

I, too saw your pic, shawnael, and assumed you were a male bigenderist (then I did the same with Tay). You're very lucky. You are a good looking person with features that look good as either gender.

Wow, thank you!

I can tell you from experience the best way to deal with parents or anyone giving you a hard time about how you look is to look as good as you can-- whether it's good for a boy or good for a girl. You might find a sympathic hairstylist who'll give you some gender crossing style advice. The long-short thing as definitely interesting. You may not always want to wear a hat when going boyish, though.

That's actually some really good advice. That didn't occur to me, for some reason. I'm sure that will help my mom cope with my situation, as long as I don't wear my pants around my knees. I do want to keep my hair for a while, because I'm 20 and a rebel. > No, kidding, but it does fit my personality pretty well. I'm gonna keep it for a while, but I'll definitely look into a more androgynous cut when I get old tired of my current cut.

As a g-male bigenderist, it's nice to here from other bigendered folks here. It's not easy being us. While I have deep respect for the pains TS's go through, I have always envied the fact that they have a sharply defined situation and a certain degree of social understanding. This is not yet the case for bigendered persons. We have to sort of pave our own path. The more we share the better.

I feel the same way. I used to think that maybe I was supposed to be male, but it didn't feel right. I'm still not really sure how to tell people that I'm bigendered. I'm kind of getting the feeling not many of us do.

Anyway, thanks for your advice!