How to deal with mid-transition blues?

[Carrie Liz]

So, I feel like I'm kind of in an obnoxious spot at the moment. And if some of the posts and videos that I've been reading about transitioning are any indication, this is a VERY common feeling.

Basically, what's happening is that I feel like HRT has now almost completely changed my mind. I feel female. Almost completely. My emotions are unmistakably female emotions, I've finally started allowing myself to mentally identify as female after a whole life of not letting myself do so, and I really have reached a point where I feel like I've fully embraced my true identity and feel like my true female self on a very deep personal level.

But... then there's the physical. My body does NOT match this mental self. And don't get me wrong, my body has feminized, just nowhere near as fast as my mind has. So despite feeling 100% female mentally, my body is only about maybe 40% of the way there. My skin still isn't quite there, and my huge arms and neck and lower face are DEFINITELY not there, and there's still a lot of angles where I definitely look very masculine no matter what I'm wearing. So I still don't quite feel comfortable wearing the clothes that I want to, or presenting as female outside the safe zone of my own house, despite how much I do it inside the house, because it feels SO right, and I just LOVE the way that I look and feel as a woman.

Another obnoxious part about this is that I'm pretty much stuck with maintaining a very masculine appearance at work, due to a very blocky work uniform combined with the fact that I still have short hair that is thinning on top (damn it, Dutasteride, I know you're working, but work faster!!!) So pretty much not a single person has any clue that I'm even on HRT unless I have told them. So I'm still getting called some very obnoxious masculine nicknames like "Chuck," "Charles in Charge," and worst of all, "Big Chuck." (damn it, height!!!) And while they've always bothered me, now it just feels like a slap in the face, especially with how much I've consciously feminized my behavior over the past three months. Sometimes I just want to scream "I'm a girl, damn it!!! Stop calling me that!!!" Argh... whatever... I digress. Being female in the mind but still being forced to present as male at work REALLY sucks. (I'm seriously tempted to just come out and get it over with.)

So how have the rest of you beaten this mid-transition blues? That magical time where you feel almost 100% like your identity gender mentally, and are aching to express it, but your body's not quite there yet? Is there anything I can do aside from just waiting months and months for HRT to work its magic?

Any advice would be most welcome.

Thanks!

-Carrie

[Heather]

Hey Carrie I know how you feel I'm in the position your in right now. It's hard I know I have to go too work everyday as a guy it's not fun. The way I try too look at this whole transition thing is the same way I looked at losing weight it's not how you look now that matters it how you look six months to a year from now that matters. I'm constantly trying to look ahead and vision what I will look like come the end of the year. It's easy to get wrapped up in the now but the present will soon be the past. This is just the in between stage Carrie by this time next year this will all just be a memory. 

[bethany]

Carry and Heather, I am in the same spot. But in reality we have really only just begun or transitions.
It's hard on a daily basis not to jump ahead of ourselves. Just keep your eyes on the final prize. And think that each day we are one step closer to our true selves than we were yesterday.

[Carrie Liz]

So, basically nothing to do but wait, and find ways to make myself more patient in the meantime? Sigh... why is that always the answer when it comes to transition matters?

[FrancisAnn]

Carrie, you are in the position of so many of us. I've been in your shoes so many times in life. We are never physically passable enough for most people to accept us as female. I wish I had an answer other than wait for HRT to help change. It takes time like a young girl in her early teens.

So many lose their jobs due to conflicts then they are in real trouble without income.

Maybe try discretly to find a more feminine type job is one suggestion. A job that you can transition in over time.

I've been there & it hurts I know, my sympathy to you.

Maybe this helps??

[Heather]

So, basically nothing to do but wait, and find ways to make myself more patient in the meantime? Sigh... why is that always the answer when it comes to transition matters?

It will get better Carrie! Try not to focus on now too much! You could use this time to build up a wardrobe improve on makeup skills, feminine mannerisms. Try too look at this in between stage as a opportunity instead of a curse. You have a chance to prepare for your future as Carrie. Life really is short try your best to enjoy every minute of it. Even in the in between stage if you try real hard you can find the joy in it. 

[bethany]

Great advice Heather.  Sit back and enjoy the ride. Do things like Heather mentioned.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Carrie,
I checked on your age before adding my contribution as it really does make a difference. Apparently you are only 27 which means you are still just starting in life compared to  many of us.
You don't mention how long you have been on HRT but if you are on a good treatment you can expect to see constant evolution from anywhere between 3 to 5 years: finer, softer skin, breast growth, fat redistribution including more volume and roundness in the cheeks etc..
However you also mention a couple of other things without providing much detail, "huge arms and neck" being called "Big Chuck"...If you really are very tall with a heavy build, I'd suggest that on top of HRT , at minimum you try to do something about the huge arms and neck. There will be loss of muscular mass with HRT but sports like long distance running  or rolling blading are also good for reducing upper body mass.
The face can also be an issue but only you know what could be required. If your face is very masculine, FFS can be extremely helpful. Actually with a good surgeon, the effects can be quite mind blowing. My own literally changed me beyond recognition taking me from very masculine to feminine enough to be frequently called "Madame" even when presenting in male dress. It is not cheap, especially in the US but in Argentina, Mexico and Peru there are surgeons who do excellent work at far more affordable prices.
At the end of the day, only you know what will be required to live comfortably as the woman you want to be. From what you wrote, it sounds like you still have quite a way to go but you also have plenty of time ahead of you. What you need then is a realistic, well thought out plan covering all the things you need to get done to get you to where you want to be. HRT is often the easy bit and for some people, especially the more feminine among us, it will often take you a long way. For others though, it is far from being enough, my own case for example, all the more so as I am also pretty tall. Because of this I felt a strong need to compensate elsewhere eg. very slim body and very extensive FFS.  The good news is that got me to an excellent level of passability. It has been a long journey though, almost 6 years since I started HRT and while I really live 100% female in my private life, I have still not been able to transition at work. However I am confident that I will get that done too with a couple of final tweaks to my face planned for the autumn to make it so feminine that the transition should become self evident.
"A dream is just a dream, a goal is a dream with a plan" and having a plan, with clear things you want to achieve is actually very helpful in getting through what you call the "mid-transition blues"
Warm regards.
Donna

[Tristan]

If you don't want to wait you can do ffs at least the bone work part and lose weight to grt to female normal range for your height likes I did. It's a way to get some quick results

[Noah]

I guess my experience with transition is very different in that I started living full time before I started HRT. I certainly didn't pass and I didn't feel female yet at all but I needed to be myself or I would have gone crazy. Sucks correcting people all the time but felt so nice to be free of my old self in many ways.

I really relate to the problem of your body catching up to your mind. I've seen great results in 8.5 months and an excited for the future, but my body is indeed still too male for my comfort. I realize our problems are different in many ways, but the way I deal with my dysphoria us to remember where I came from and where I'm going. I'm not scared of transition but I was when I started. I don't know if we ever pass well to ourselves...just follow your heart and decide the healthiest way for you to deal with life at this juncture. Congratulations on the progress you've made thus far!

Di

[Carrie Liz]

First of all, I have to say a big thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond. There's a reason why I've been making so many posts on here over the last few days... every little bit of encouragement really does help a lot, and I thank everyone so much for taking the time to offer advice. It's a BIG help. It really is. So thank you!

It will get better Carrie! Try not to focus on now too much! You could use this time to build up a wardrobe improve on makeup skills, feminine mannerisms. Try too look at this in between stage as a opportunity instead of a curse. You have a chance to prepare for your future as Carrie. Life really is short try your best to enjoy every minute of it. Even in the in between stage if you try real hard you can find the joy in it. 

I am definitely going to do that. And that is one of the things that does keep me going, is that kind of feeling where I really don't want things to change instantaneously, otherwise I wouldn't feel as accomplished when I finally do get there. So as much as it sucks, I suppose I kind of view this period as my girlhood years, where I feel like I'm 11 years old, just starting puberty, and just learning to step out into the world on my own and explore the newly-budding adult femininity that I'm getting. And, well, while there's not much that I can do in the wardrobe department yet due to the current overweight state of my arms and neck and shoulders, I am definitely using this time to work on my mannerisms and work on my voice and work on all of these other things that are eventually going to be important. And I guess I do need this time to get used to seeing myself as female... not just some guy looking from the outside in, but actually seeing myself as a woman, and getting used to all of the connotations that this entails. Anyway, yeah, thanks for that. I will indeed do this.

You don't mention how long you have been on HRT but if you are on a good treatment you can expect to see constant evolution from anywhere between 3 to 5 years: finer, softer skin, breast growth, fat redistribution including more volume and roundness in the cheeks etc... However you also mention a couple of other things without providing much detail, "huge arms and neck" being called "Big Chuck"...If you really are very tall with a heavy build, I'd suggest that on top of HRT , at minimum you try to do something about the huge arms and neck. There will be loss of muscular mass with HRT but sports like long distance running  or rolling blading are also good for reducing upper body mass... The face can also be an issue but only you know what could be required. If your face is very masculine, FFS can be extremely helpful...

I've been on HRT for what will very soon be 4 months... I started E on January 11th of this year.

You know, honestly I feel like I'm just being a total whiner in this regard. Because really, I don't have a masculine body whatsoever in terms of build. I have a relatively feminine face, I hardly have any muscle, I have a VERY feminine bone structure in terms of hip width, shoulder width, arm structure, leg structure, and really the only parts of my body that are definitively masculine are my arms, shoulders, and neck, which really only look masculine because I'm about 60 lbs overweight. Honestly, if it weren't for those, I'd probably be seriously tempted to just go full-time already. And again, I do NOT have a masculine bone structure whatsoever, so I have all the confidence in the world that HRT is going to do absolute wonders for me. Because my problem is completely 100% an issue with soft tissue placement... too much fat in the upper body, and not quite enough fat in the female areas yet. So I know it's coming, but again, right now it just feels like it's an eternity away, and the waiting is driving me nuts.

...and lose weight to grt to female normal range for your height likes I did. It's a way to get some quick results

Trust me, with how overweight I was when I started, this is going to be anything but "quick." I was 270 lbs when I started HRT. And now, 4 months later, I'm down to 233. So according to various "ideals," I still have a whopping 73 lbs to lose before I'll be at the "ideal" weight for females of my height, and it's already taken 4 months to get this far. So in all likelihood, it will be another 8 months or more before I've lost enough weight to get into the "normal female range," (at which point I'll be at the one-year mark of HRT, which is generally when people start looking almost completely female anyway, so that's just one more thing that I'm getting all angsty and "Damn it, go faster!!!" about.)