Hey Jamie, that is right. When I was 24 he kicked in my bedroom door which I had locked. At that time I was living with them though I did live in a different town for awhile. I sort of viewed that as an immense violation of my right to privacy. Since I was unconscious there of course was no way I could fight back by telling him to go away or say, "fine, I'll open it." So that has always bothered me even though there are some who would argue that a parent would do anything to save their child but I don't even think he loves me necessarily and am more inclined to think he did that to send some kind of message more like you can't get away from me, you can't get away from your suffering, I will do anything in my power to show you that. Now I view the powerful inclinations to try to stop me from transitioning almost as the same thing. Maybe this is wrong to think.
But anyway, trying to go somewhere else that is quite a distance away would probably be a very good idea. I'm not going to be able to initially, I really don't have enough money but just accepted a job so then I should have the money that's necessary.
Spacial, you understand what it's like to have a controlling family.
They will do anything in their power to make you live the life they want to, try to control who you are romantically involved with and sometimes even your friends, try to control what you put in your body, what you do to your body, and your finances, and how you spend your money, your politics, what businesses you deal with and where you live.
This is what my situation is, only by arguing for years and trying every approach I have been able to get them to exert less control. They will in turn attempt to shower me with gifts and unconditional love. Wow. I tell them I don't really need the financial support and they would up until recently insist on all of it anyway.
Yes, I almost feel that the trouble I have gone through to try to improve the relationship makes it harder for me to just cut of all contact. Then occasionally my other relatives will weigh in and say that I should really try to give them a chance. I've given them a lot of chances really. At times I have cut of contact all but completely and changed my phone number. Then I got into a bind or wanted to talk to my mom or get a phone number of the relative and then they start calling me again. I will go into denial mode over the stuff that they have done to hurt me just to tolerate the interactions. This is something that I have done with toxic friends before as well.
So moving away is something I'll pretty much have to do soon because in order to get some of the separation I need from them, it will really help to not live in the same area. Even if I live in the south which is probably what'll happen, I should have more freedom that way.
Donna, thanks for the advice.
Cindy, I appreciate what you have said. Thanks for the assurances.
I just try to be as separate from them as I can. Like I said my mom was okay with me transitioning when I mentioned it to her. So I'm not worried about how I stand with her on this issue. They are lonely and disappointed that my brothers have moved away and I am the only one left. I guess I am the only one who was born female so maybe my dad wanted a daughter or something like that but I'm not really even that close to that. Really more of a son. A sensitive and emotional one.
I've been diagnosed with random bs, put on junk antipsychotics and told that I need to stay on them, it's hard to find a doctor that will take me off. So low on energy and depressed. They pick up on that and feed on all of it, saying that they think I will crash without them or going to a new city and hardly knowing anyone there initially.
Learning complete independence is kind of tough because I was encouraged to be the opposite. I'm getting there though, being without a car has given me an ultimatum, take their rides they offer or take bus/cab/walk everywhere in the city and frequently deal with getting stuck out in bad weather or dangerous areas of town. Even with that it's worth it.
It'll work out somehow. Frankly I am gender confused at the least and androgynous, a feminine guy rather than a masculine girl. That is what I have found over all these years of experimenting with the lesbian, poly, bisexual communities. You name it, but until recently not transgender. I even wore makeup and things like that, tried to be more feminine than I am and it felt forced and unnatural. Now that I stopped trying to be someone I am not and stopped being in denial about the crossdressing by doing it but saying "it means nothing" and not looking into the idea of gender further rather shifting all the focus to my sexuality (or lack there-of) as possibly another means of denial.
So I'll probably move and transition, regardless of the risks, and cut off communication with my parents completely if they can't handle it or harass me for it because it's not something I need. I have been bullied in high school and beyond for my gender and sexuality expressions being different than usual, and I know that I can't escape a bullying world or neanderthals of all genders, but I what I can do much of the time, is minimize contact with them.
Thank you for listening.
