this is the first time ever in my life i'm exposing what i am to somebody other than myself. i've been having a really tough time and only recently it occurred to me that there would probably be help online.
I'm YB btw, i prefer being called by that 'cos my full name is very girlish, and i dont really want to put up a fake name and me talked to by some other name rather than mine, that might feel pretty weird to me u know
well, i was born a girl and had typical girlish behaviour, but after puberty- i was like 11yrs old- i sennsed that i was not a normal person. i shed ornaments and stuff and shifted from skirts and dresses to loose tshirts and denim trousers. first i thought i was such a simple person and did not really value physical beauty, but the difference between me and my friends- i attend a girls school- expanded.
when we did dramas at school i eventually got male characters and felt unimaginably comfortable when playing those roles. i still hadn't understand why 'cos by then too i had a crush on a boy i knew- i was like 12 by then- sometime later i began to lose interest in that boy and gradually lost interest in whole male race, for no specific reason. instead of being attracted, i began to feel jealous of handsome guys on tv.
meanwhile i was having a hard time at school, because i was beginning to get attracted to nice girls in our class. i felt very uncomfortable sitting too close to them and i was hating girly chats- i was 13-
i live in a country with a really heavy culture, so children don't really know about gender variations until they grow up and discover by themselves. so didn't i. i thought i was transforming into a boy. i was scared, but was also glad about it. i imagined various situations when i would complete my transformation, they sound very funny when i think about them now.
after i grew a little bit more, i got to know that a group of people called gays and lesbians lived on earth. so the best explanation i had at hand about myself was that i was a lesbian. still i wasn't convinced, 'cos stuff i read about lesbians didnt really match my qualities. then i thought, no i'm somebody very strange.
sometime later i discovered the term bisexual, and thought it matched me more than lesbian. still i wasnt convinced. i felt like, even if i was bisexual, i had to be a male bisexual, 'cos i felt so male. i had reached 14 and i went on to chop down my hair short like a boy.
then a new girl came to our class, and she was like a fairy. after a few months of knowing her i realized that i was uncontrollably in love with her, and had a really hard time coping with it.
i believed that i was bisexual for quite a long time as i knew no other term word to explain myself, but with time i was more and more convinced that i was a lot more different. finally, when i was 17, it struck me that something had to be on internet to explain me. so i searched and discovered the exact match for my personality; in fact, only my first ever assumption was right. i was a transsexual.
having discovered myself, i felt more confident and gathered knowledge about the subject. i tried to discuss about the subject with my friends to see if they'd ever accept me if i came out, but they highly condemned it and disgusted it. i was frustrated, but i had already formed myself a niche in the society. people i knew accepted my almost crossdressed look and i decided too keep everything to myself till death. i didnt want to loose my friends.
now i'm 18 and i'm discovering that hiding everything is not that easy. the society is trying to put the social duties of a woman onto me, whereas i'm very much willing to take the duties of a man. my crossdressing is becoming a problem to the society and they are influencing me to wear female clothes. most of all, i have hard time keeping my feelings caged near the girl i love. i'm under a lot of pressure and need serious help. i'm here, seeking for help (i can never go into hormone therapy or surgery 'cos my society is very strict on those issues. if i ever go that further, i'll have to completely leave this life and start it out again in a world of complete strangers)
Reformatted for easier reading
