What's in a name? (and: mismatch in gender presentation and labels)

[brainiac]

Let's talk about those special classes of words: names and gender pronouns!

I have a couple of questions to pose...

My question about me:
So I've been thinking about my name and pronouns for a while, and I'm still not sure what I'd like to do. I have a female-only name and go by "she" for now, and they don't feel like they fit. I've gone back and forth between thinking about a gender-neutral name that I've identified with since I was a teenager (Alex) and a male name that overlaps with my female name that could conceivably be a nickname (Nick). I think I'd be happier with either, and either "they" or male pronouns. (Though I don't think I'd be able to use the former anytime soon, since my boss has that name )

Here's the rub: I can't pass as male. I've  let go of that, since I have chosen not to do HRT, and I'm okay with it if my identity is validated in other ways. I do wear masculine clothing on some days and feminine clothing on others, depending on how I feel like presenting. My identity is solidly stuck somewhere between male and neutral--that part doesn't change.

So if I never intend to "look male", can I reasonably expect people to actually call me by a different name or different pronouns? It's hard enough for most people to understand transsexualism, let alone, "I'm actually a guy but I look like a girl and I'm going to stay that way." I haven't asked anyone to use any other name yet, not even my boyfriend, who is generally really great about referring to my body the right way and treating me how I want to be treated. I guess I'm scared to make this next step, since I'm relatively happy as things are in terms of gender stuff--but I feel like I could be happier. And I know that even if coming out as non-binary is difficult now, the only way for it to get easier is to educate people and be open about myself.

My question about you:
But anyway, it'd be great to hear about other non-binary people's experiences with name/label changes. Do you use one name, and is it gendered one way, the other or both? Do you switch names or pronouns if you're bigender? If you use non-binary pronouns, which ones do you prefer? How did you come out to people about your preferred labels, and how did they react? And if you haven't changed things yet, what would your ideal situation be?

[Devlyn]

About you: You can reasonably expect people to call you what you ask them to call you but you can't reasonably get angry if people misread your presentation.

About me: I crossdress part-time and tell anyone who will listen to me about it. I go to work in male mode but generally get called Devlyn anyway. Susan's is on the computer at work all day and everyone checks in. I don't care if people call me "miss" or "sir" and I usually leave people guessing. I make my own acceptance, waiting around for it is too unreliable. Hugs, Devlyn

[androgynoid]

So if I never intend to "look male", can I reasonably expect people to actually call me by a different name or different pronouns?

Sure. I've had top surgery but no T (yet? idk), and I have a few friends calling me by a chosen name and pronouns. It's more of a neutral name, and 'they' pronouns, but the few people I've specifically talked to about it have been really understanding. I don't expect strangers and acquaintances to use the pronouns I prefer, though I sometimes introduce myself by a chosen name and have them call me that.

My question about you:
But anyway, it'd be great to hear about other non-binary people's experiences with name/label changes. Do you use one name, and is it gendered one way, the other or both? Do you switch names or pronouns if you're bigender? If you use non-binary pronouns, which ones do you prefer? How did you come out to people about your preferred labels, and how did they react? And if you haven't changed things yet, what would your ideal situation be?

• I currently use one of two names. One is pretty male, though conceivably androgynous, and the other has only ever been used for boys as near as I can tell. Different people call me different names because I'm trying to transition from one chosen name into another, which is a little annoying. (I have three different names I answer to if you include my birth name. )
• I'm not bigender. My presentation often switches around, and my dysphoria waxes and wanes, but my gender is always in the same place.
• I prefer 'they' as a pronoun, but 'he' works in a pinch.
• I generally come out to people as trans* and then wait for them to ask about the name/pronouns. This only works some of the time, haha.
• They've reacted overwhelmingly positively for the most part, which is more than I was expecting.
• My ideal situation would be pretty much as it is now, except without me having to come out to people. They would just psychically discern my name and pronouns and use them without my asking. This is not going to happen however, so my current situation is fairly ideal.

(I love the bullet feature. )

[Mayonnaise]

I think it's reasonable to expect them to use your chosen pronouns once you tell them, but with a female presentation expect to have to tell them.... change your name to whatever the hell you want.

As for me,  I have a female only name as well, but have been known to toy around with being "MJ" (my initials) since that's kind of andro, but it doesn't feel right. My birth name is my name, female name or not. I've been mistaken for a boy (not a man) when my breasts are obscured, but pretty much everyone I know uses "she/her/hers" for me as well.  The exception is my SO who uses "xe/xir/xirs" (my preferred pronouns) although that's a recent development, and both he and my bff (who only remembers my pronouns intermittently) refrain from calling me a "girl" or "woman" which gets to me way more than the pronouns, they use "person" or "androgyne."  I've trained a lot of other people to refer to me as a "person" without even coming out to them... they just think I'm a politically correct feminazi but wtfever. I have no real pressing desire to be "he" and most people can't remember a new pronoun, so I gave up on that a long time ago.

8^/

[jesseofthenorth]

About you: I think it IS reasonable to expect people to adhere to a name change if you ask them to. Changing your name isn't that uncommon. As for  expectations around pronoun changes I prefer to think of it as hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. If you explain to people your wishes about pronoun I think some people are going to be co-operative and some wont, either because they forget or 'forget'.  It sucks that people get hung up on how we look but the fact is... people get hung up on how we look and some will use what ever pronoun THEY feel comfortable with.

About me: I changed my name (unofficially) several years ago from a very femme cute name to the much more gender neutral Jesse. Initially the change was a little rocky but NOW it's just my name. Everyone refers to me as jesse because that is how they meet me.All of my sibs do as well and they knew me by the other name for more than 3 decades.

I am not too fussed about pronouns although I do prefer neutrals. I only make a point of stating that with people who are in my everyday life.

I too will not be able to pass as male because of the fact that I have these ridiculously huge breasts (that I DO NOT WANT) but I dress as male entirely and my hair is really gender neutral. I know I confuse some people and others think I am a weirdo but the important factor here is that I am HAPPY. For the first time in my life I feel balanced and am living true to myself.

[Taka]

about you: i think my thoughts are already expressed in some of the posts above.

about me: i use my given name. it's a good name where only the second part is female, and it's rare enough to often be mistaken for a pretty similar sounding male name. a superior at work once called me her husband's name by mistake (the similar sounding male name...) which would be the first time i've heard someone use an opposite sex name when calling people the wrong name. but on the internet i prefer to be called "taka", a japanese word meaning hawk (or a number of other things). it sits well with me because it's not too far from the first part of my given name, which means eagle, and it's something that usually only guys would be called for short.

pronouns and other words are a different matter. i don't mind being called "she" offline, since i'm used to it and i'm not really doing anything to come off as male. but online id rather be called "he", it's easier than trying to convince people that they should call me "they". things i do mind being called are "girl", "lady", and all kinds of other words that tell me i'm taken for a female. i'm ok with being called woman or female only in contexts where it matters, like sports or the doctor's office. but my everyday language is one that doesn't have grammatical gender, so we have one gender neutral pronoun that fits all, and we generally call a person a person, not man or woman. those words are only used if there's a need to specify.

"mom" is an ok word, my daughter calls me that every day without it bothering me. it does bother me greatly though, when people use the word about me to express all those ridiculous expectations that society has of mothers but not of fathers. i can't be a traditional mother, i don't have it in me, so i won't try being anything other than a good parent. i wish some people, like my own mother, would stop telling me about all the things i have to do just because i'm my daughter's "mother", she'd never have said most of it if i were her father.

it feels awkward for me to be called "aunt", but i can take that role once or twice a year when visiting my older brothers. it's a little more difficult with my little sister's kid, but in my language we have three word for aunt, and i'm lucky enough to be able to use the one that means "mother's oldest sister", which is a term that has nearly gone completely out of use in this area. doesn't feel as aunt-like as the other terms, and it sounds very similar to the word for eagle.

[Knox]

Brainiac, it seems like you and I are in rather similar places, gender-wise. I'm also somewhere between male and neutral, though I am in the process of medical transition.

To answer your first question: Yes, I think it is reasonable for you to change your name and pronouns even if you never intend to have surgery or begin hormone therapy. Most of the transguys I know came out to most people in their lives before taking any steps toward physical change, and were then referred to by their chosen names and pronouns. Your plan for transition or lack thereof really isn't anyone else's business, so don't feel like you need to bring it up if you don't want to-- you're always within your rights to politely decline to discuss it if someone is getting nosy. If you'd rather educate, great! Being clear and firm about the fact that referring to you with the correct name and pronouns is part of respecting you will hopefully help keep you from getting misgendered.

As to the second: I currently use one name, Peter (which is obviously pretty male), but I'm thinking of switching to Cannan (gender-neutral, but I feel like it leans masc, like me). I'm really only comfortable with he/him/his but I don't mind terribly if someone uses gender-neutral pronouns, and I came out by saying, "I'm transgender"-- granted, it's a bit easier for me because "looking male" is one of the goals I'm pursuing. Ideally, people would call me "he" without me having to ask, but no one would be able to look at me and say "Oh, so you're really <insert binary gender here>"; i.e., I'd be androgynous and ambiguous, but able to function socially as male.