The other side

[kellygrace]

1st of all, I hope I am writing this in the correct forum. 

(the purpose of this post is to simply vent and maybe it'll help others that are in the same situation. This is by no means meant to hurt anyone's feelings)


To start off, I am writing this as the wife of a transgendered husband/partner/mate. When I was first told all of this I was beyond shocked. I was very much in denial and just wanted to get away from everything. There were so many times when I just wanted to take off and go back to where I came from to family and friends but then stopped and thought... no I am an adult now, I got married and am starting my new life with my husband. We just bought a new house, we have 2 awesome dogs and I was hoping to have a baby soon but I don't really think its going to happen. This makes me very sad.  After the big news and being in denial and just wanting to run away, I started to become very depressed (still am, but I try my hardest to cover it up) and because I was and am not allowed to tell anyone, I became even more depressed especially at work. I missed about a week of work because I would just start crying and I couldn't work like that, I am a cashier so I am constantly talking to people and have to be happy, but at times I just am not. I also found out that, that is why they are moving me to another position in the store, because I was so upset and did not want to be around people. Anyway, a little while passed (maybe a week) that we hadn't really spoken about all this and all the changes that will soon come, so I was ok, but then it came back, although I was really really hoping that it would all go away. At times I still think or hope that this is just a phase, that he will just say, forget it all. I know all this probably sounds mean or selfish but, I just cant help it. In a way I feel like he is being selfish and this isn't fair to me. I feel like I have no choice in a way. I mean, I married a man, not a woman because I am attracted to men, so I am really nervous about the change. Also, we had made an agreement that we would try to get pregnant next year and now I feel like that was taken away from me also. I keep being told there are many diff ways we can still do it but I know he does not want any, I don't want to make him have any. I would hate to be a burden or have to be obligated in anyway. It shouldn't be like that. Plus I want the whole pregnancy process to be natural. (sorry if this is all over the place, my brain is all over the place lately). It also is very difficult when I have to talk/ skype with my mom because she is very good at figuring out when something is wrong (mom knows best right?) today I was told that they want us to all go on vacation as a family, the only reason why this is so scary to me is because my family is NOT going to accept any of this because they are very very old fashioned. I am trying my hardest to deal with it because I got married for better or for worst. And I believe the only time someone should get divorced is when someone is being abused or cheated on. So I do not feel this is grounds for a divorce (that's something I've never wanted or never thought I would even consider in my life). Plus I married my husband for who he is not all for looks (even though he is very very sexy and im extremely attracted to him) *ugh I just want things to go back to normal* 
Ijustwantmyhusbandback....
I am trying hard to be supportive but I times I feel like I am doing a really ->-bleeped-<-y job. I feel like I make him more depressed, and I hate myself for it. I know its all new and I told him I would take everyday one day at a time, and I am. But I seem to get anxious when I hear about doc appointments and such. its almost like a slap in the face every time reminding me this is really happening. I wish I could be a better wife/partnet/mate. I hope I can be more supportive and don't freak out when the changes start. I love him so much. I don't know what I would do without him, he has taught me so much in the last 4 years. I love you.

[spacial]

Hi kellygrace.

You talk about your husband telling you he is trangender.

Can you say what, if  anything, he has said about his plans for dealing with this?

Let me say now. We understand and are here to support and advise. Just need some more information about what your husband wants to do, how much he has done already and any other thoughts and feelings you may have.

I should add that this is the absolute appropriate place to say this. Looking forward to your response.

[kellygrace]

Sorry about the lack of detail, it was more of me venting, didn't actually think I would get a reply lolol. He will be starting HRT in a few months. I know hes very happy about it and cant wait, but im still not so sure about it.

[spacial]

No problem kellygrace.

Your concerns are completely understandable.

Is your husband dressing as female? Full time or part time?

Is he seeing a therapist? Your say he's starting HRT, I assume that means he's seeing a Dr?

There is nothing wrong nor unusual nor misplaced by your reaction. But If I am to understand I need to know a bit more.

If you feel uncomfortable talking on a potentially open forum, then we do have a very good private section. Just For Us.

[kellygrace]

yes, a private section would be good considering he uses this website and I wouldn't want him to be upset if he saw this.

[Sarah Louise]

"Just for Us" would not help, anyone with 15 posts can see that section.

[Joanna Dark]

I feel so bad for you OP. If you don't mind me asking, did your significant other tell you that he was a transsexual, ever? It seems like he just laid it on you after you tied the knot and right when you were planning on having a baby. What I'm about to say is really politically incorrect in the trans community but I'm entitled to my feelings and I'll say it: you have every right to feel lied to and betrayed and if you think the best thing is fresh start, I'm sure any understanding person would agree. And don't forget there was a significant change in your relationship that really is a game changer.

I feel I am qualified to say this because I have only ever been with one woman in my life and as soon as things became serious, I told her I was trans. She thought I was just really feminine. We didn't break up because of it and she was supportive, encouraging and prob wanted me to be girl more then I did at the time as I was still scared of societal reaction. But also understand before she dated me she wasn't looking to date men anymore and wanted to pursue a lesbian relationship and be the dominant partner. I was the perfect fit. But she changed and we never got married and I don't blame her or hold any ill will. We were best friends for a year after we broke up too. It was amicable. Though it did hurt. I wish I could talk to her right now. She was the only person that ever supported me.

You seem to be young and are prob about my age so I don't think you would be in the wrong if you wanted to downgrade your relationship to just friends as hard as that would be since you are married. You deserve to live a happy and fruitful life and if you don't think you can with a woman, you need to consider your options. You don't have to make any decisions right away. Please don't feel rushed. But in all liklihood your husband is going to become a woman and if you are this upset now, wait until later. I really, really, really hope things work out for you. xoxoxo

[kellygrace]

Thanks for all the replies. Right now im feeling very confused and starting to get very depressed. I wish I could just stop everything.

[Button]

Hang in there chicky and take your time.

Find what's important to you and go from there.

My Andi was different as I knew what I was walking into so I had honesty from the start but we both agreed we would have a child before hrt and that was so important for both of us.

We only wanted one so we could give her everything as parents especially a good education but the best thing is we communicate and communicate and communicate some more and for mine this is a huge part of why we have always worked.

Speak to a counsellor or someone who will just listen and take your time and make the decision that's right for you, as your partner has made that decision for herself so you deserve to have the same courtesy.

Just my two cents but keep your chin up and don't be afraid to cry.

Button

[Robyn]

Also consider joining the TransFamily spouses-only news list. There are many many wives/SOs of transitioning partners (MTF and FTM). It is very helpful to talk these things out with others who are going through the same experience. You can vent, share, learn there.

http://www.transfamily.org/e-mail-discussion-groups      Look for 'Spouses Discussion List' among the several news lists offered.

There are two 'Number One's' here. She is one of them, and her need to transition may be a life or death choice. But you are also Number One. Your happiness and well being are equally important, and that includes having some say, not in whether or not she transitions but in how fast each step is taken. Somewhat slowly is good so that you have a chance to absorb each change before the next big step is taken.

Remind her that she shouldn't drive faster than her guardian angel can fly. And you are the guardian angel.

Best wishes.

Robyn
Postop MTF married to a postop FTM

[kellygrace]

Thank you so much Button, I will talk to my husband about this more, I would really like to have a baby, I feel like when he starts HRT in July its all over for me and what I want out of our marriage.

Thank you Robyn, I will look up that website.

[kellygrace]

Let me rephrase that, its a important part of what I would like out of our marriage. I would love to share a beautiful new life with her. I really love her...

[spacial]

Thank you so much Button, I will talk to my husband about this more, I would really like to have a baby, I feel like when he starts HRT in July its all over for me and what I want out of our marriage.

Thank you Robyn, I will look up that website.

So pleased you are getting some support that is suitable for you kellygrace.

I am also married. 30 years +. No children sadly, but it was never going to happen.

I know other couples who have embarked upon this journey together as you and your husband will, hopefully, have opted to save frozen sperm.

Good luck. Keep us all posted about your progress.

[Jennifer.L]

Let jsut start with HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Girl its ok to feel everything your feeling!  it really is.   hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

Ok so Kids are NOT off the table.  It takes 6 months+ jsut to get prescription and another 6 months after that to hurt the baby maker.

You where kind of cheated.  At the same time so was your SO.  I wouldn't be so mad at your SO as I would be mad at the society that forces some one like your SO to try so hard to act like a normal Man.  that's not either of you twos fault.

I can't imagine what your going threw.  But if you want to talk or jsut cry on some ones shoulder PM me.    All hope is not lost.


huggggggggggggggggggggsssssss

[Erin Kay Howell]

I am the SO...

And trust me when I say, I feel like a horrible ->-bleeped-<-ing person.

To me this is a life or death decision and yes I have tried to be the man that everyone wanted me to be.

I am so very sorry and wish I could take back everything that I've ever said and done to hurt anyone including you.

[warlockmaker]

I wish only the best for both of you. Being able to communicate your feelings openly is a wonderful first step. Its a long road ahead and I hope you have a smooth ride.