I'm not really "new." I had an account on this site a while back, didn't log in for maybe a year or so, lost my password and I change email addresses ridiculously often so I don't even know what one I used. Anyway. Nobody here really knew me anyway since I'm shy (mostly because I have Asperger's Syndrome and totally suck at any form of socializing; posting anything at all makes me nervous).
I'm a FtM in my 20's, and life has been rather ->-bleeped-<-ty for me for a while now. When I came out as trans, I ended up losing my family, almost all of my friends, my boyfriend, my job... all that. I was on T for six blissful months before my savings were depleted (unemployment does that to ya), and my body's reverted to estrogen of course for about 14 months now.
Also, I severely injured myself from binding too long/too hard (wore two binders for 12+ hours a day, except on weekends), and now I can't bind at all, so I literally cannot leave my apartment without a bunch of people staring or even openly making fun of me (none of my clothes effectively disguise my chest). My lungs are okay now (even after I stopped binding, it took a few months til I could draw a full breath with no pain), but my ribs are messed up. So there's a lesson, guys: don't make it a habit of binding tightly for 12+ hours a day, or you'll get hurt. From what I've read, you can get hurt even doing less than that.
It's incredibly amazing to me how much hormones change things; pre-T I was an effing mess emotionally, bi-polar, whatever; on T I was finally myself and didn't have all that emotional BS going on, and my depression all but vanished; now, without T, I feel suicidal at least 80% of the time, to varying degrees. I feel more trapped by my mind (read: estrogen) than by my body. I'm just not me. It's like (mentally) there's this tiny little fragment of me, and everything else is not-me, and that not-me part would be gone and replaced with me if I were on T again.
I guess I'm back here at Susan's because as far as suicidal feelings go, I'm at the point where I'm... well, if it's on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "depressed and thinking about suicide but not going to do anything," and 10 being "actively attempting suicide," it's about a 9.5 right now. My friend moved out of state recently (he's really the only friend I have anymore), so that's obviously been a contributing factor. I just feel so effing alone and empty inside, and I'm tired of trying so hard to be okay when it just isn't working at all.
So, I'm really sorry this is such a depressing intro, but I'd rather just be honest and say it like it is than make it seem like everything's fine--because everything's not fine, and it's not been okay for a long time. I don't know how to say this without it sounding weird (Asperger's, ain't it great?) but it'd be awesome if anyone reading this would, I dunno, send me a message or whatever--I just want someone to talk to.
