What do I do about my therapist?

[Edge]

Last time we talked, she twisted and exaggerated my words into something completely different. She put words in my mouth I never said, made assumptions about me and my experiences, and presented these assumptions as fact. She even got mad at me when I tried to correct her. About myself and my experiences that she was not present for. She also kept interrupting me. She refused to listen to me, but she got all offended and angry when I asked her to listen to me.
Arguing with someone like this is like talking to a brick wall. I tried though. Did it help? Not one bit. She just got angry with me. I don't see the point in continuously trying to force someone to listen to reason when they refuse to.
Of course, she jumped on that and called it "giving up." Except she doesn't mean trying to get her to listen to me. She meant I should continue to put up with it and that I deserve it. How do I know this? She gave me a great big speech about it.
Here is something that also pisses me off: she wouldn't give me a chance to respond before she left. I wasn't even saying anything hurtful to her (although she was to me). Sure, I got a bit stern, but not anything to deserve that kind of reaction.
The problem is I'm relying on her for a letter to get on T. I don't know if I'll be able to find anyone else. I've heard of a friend of mine who has been trying to get on hormones for years, but the psych she was seeing claimed he was seeing her for depression, not gender dysphoria and the people she talks to get all confused because she's a tomboy (and we all know females can't be tomboys ). What if that happens to me (except the other direction)?
What can I do?

[brainiac]

Not cool. The kind of behavior you've described is unacceptable for a therapist. They should never, ever get angry with you, no matter what, and refusing to listen? That's ridiculous, since listening is literally her job. This--hell, even arguing with you at all--is extremely unprofessional of her.

I'd suggest two things. First, start looking for someone else, even if you don't think you'll find someone, in case she doesn't improve her behavior. You deserve to see a competent therapist, and hopefully she isn't the only option at all, even if others are less convenient. Second, I would go into your next session and say right away that you would like to talk about how to move forward in a productive way with her. Any therapist worth their salt will adjust if their client says that a particular style isn't working for them. Some therapists will go for a "tough love" approach, and that works great for some people, but not at all for others--maybe that's what she thinks she's doing. Either way, she needs to know that the way she has treated you has felt disrespectful and like you aren't getting the treatment--this is supposed to be medicine for mental health--that you need.

[spacial]

If you're relying upon her, can you be sure she won't just string you along?

Might be a good time to leave now. Whatever you do, don't get angry.

[Edge]

I agree, Spacial. There is no point getting angry. I would like to leave and I don't know whether or not she is stringing me along.

Thanks, brainiac. I will take your advice. Maybe she thinks she's doing the "tough love" approach, but without actually listening and understanding what I'm saying, it's like she's mistaken me for another client. Come to think of it, she was late because she got me confused with another client.

[Edge]

Interesting. I will ask her. It certainly brought the issues involved in not being listened to to the forefront. I don't know what she would have expected to accomplish from that though. If that's what she was trying to do, she still should have stopped and started listening me when I asked.

[suzifrommd]

OK, Edge, you know you can count on me for an honest, straightforward answer. Here it is.

Don't waste another cent or second on her. You're better off with someone unscrupulous who will basically write you a letter for money (people like that exist around here) than someone who you can't connect with.

There's gotta be better than her around.

[spacial]

It might be part of a therapeutic style.  I'm no expert but I have heard of the term "confrontational" therapy (I think that was it).  As I recall it sounds similar to what you experienced.  The idea is to force you into disputing the statement or attitude, thus bringing issues to the forefront.

That occurred to me as well. I know that often these people can work to a set system and simply wheel out tools, looking for set cues, responding according to a tried approach.

If you think you can approach her then it may be better than simply leaving. But if she is making you uncomfortable then you may be best leaving.

The point is, you're supposed to be there for your benefit.

[Edge]

Ugh. That would add a whole new level to the problem.

(I would just like brag proudly for a second and sorry if I seem full of myself. It's just that I know how lucky I am. I have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never even got into smoking.)


Spacial, the problem is I did approach her. I asked her several times to listen to me. She got mad at me whenever I asked and continued interrupting me.

[suzifrommd]

Googling just a bit, I found a reference to confrontational behavior being used to combat "drug seeking behavior".  Um err, maybe, kinda, sorta?  You are seeking drugs, yes, but not in the classic sense.  T is not an addictive substance, that is usually what's involved in drug seeking behavior.  Although, she may be hearing from you"  I need this", which is classic addiction.  Just drop the I need this, then discuss your reasons for wanting it.  Might be all you need to do.

This attitude is only found among therapists who don't understand transgender, don't understand why we need transition to our natural gender.

I've had both types - therapists who understand what we're about and those who just very simply don't.

Hold out for some who gets us.

[spacial]

This attitude is only found among therapists who don't understand transgender, don't understand why we need transition to our natural gender.

I've had both types - therapists who understand what we're about and those who just very simply don't.

Hold out for some who gets us.

I tend to agree. I don't think this one really does know.

I can't say for certain, but if you know of any other therapists who you know, do understand transgender, then it may be time to cut your losses.

Whatever you do, I hope you think carefully.

[Devlyn]

Edge, from here we can tell what you thought of the appointment, but none of us, including you, know what the therapist was thinking. Having only half the facts is unlikely to allow anyone to understand what happened. Hugs, Devlyn

[Edge]

I agree with you on that, Fezzika, but we were talking about shyness. Or, at least, I was. Not T.

[brainiac]

Ok, I'm gonna play devil's advocate just a lil bit.  What is the purpose of a gender therapist?  Ideally, I would think it would be to facilitate exploration and understanding of issues for those who feel they have some measure of gender dysphoria.  At the end of exploring and discussing the therapist and client would have some kind of mutual agreement on future course of action, whether that be a full on transition, some intermediate steps or perhaps leaving behind the notion of gender dysphoria all together.

If a client walks into a therapist office and says "I need T", should the therapist reach into a drawer and pull out the big rubber stamp?  Why not just have a self serve rubber stamp place, it would save on manpower costs.

Some might call the need for a letter from a therapist "gatekeeping",  Maybe there's some truth to that, but I think it's far better than the self-serve rubber stamp notion.

To me there's a big difference between challenging someone and being argumentative, interrupting, and not listening. The former has a place in therapy; the latter does not. A therapist's office, regardless of their style, is supposed to be a safe space where you feel free to open up about things you normally wouldn't. That doesn't mean that they have to agree with everything you say, but it does mean that they should make you feel like it's okay to share your feelings. She is actively working against achieving that by acting like this towards Edge, and she needs to know that.

[Edge]

So a discussion of shyness is the issue that caused the difficulty?  Dang, I missed it.  I'm the king (queen?) of shy.

Not exactly. I started talking about shyness and my issues with it and then she interrupted me and went on this weird tangent. Certainly doesn't help with the shyness though.

Thanks, brainiac.

[Edge]

Normally, I'd agree with you Fezzika, but that wasn't what she was doing. If anything, she was doing the opposite. I want to get rid of or at least lower my shyness and be myself in social situations instead of holding myself back. I know that the best way to combat that is to push myself to do it. One of the things she started going on about was not to.

[Arch]

In my book, if a therapist becomes openly angry at you, she has a big freaking problem.

[brainiac]

I broke my arm many years ago due to a motorcycle accident.  Nasty compound fracture at the elbow, they used a 6" chrome corkscrew to reattach the end of my arm.  That took a while to heel, and when it was all over, I had to go through physical therapy.  My therapist asked me if I had any last requests before we started.  It hurt like anything to get that physical therapy, but she was a determined woman, she stayed with it, and made me stay with it.  Now, I'm glad I did, I have almost full use of my arm.

If my therapist had chosen to fix me a cup of tea and ask me if I needed a massage or anything, I wouldn't have full use of my arm.  Sorry to say, therapy hurts sometime.

It sounds like she talked with you beforehand about giving you the tough love treatment. I'm not saying having your therapist kick your butt into doing something isn't valid-- that's exactly the style that works for my partner, so I know it works for some people. But you knew not to take what she was doing personally and that she would still listen to you because you agreed to do this with her, right? If Edge's therapist was doing something like this, she should have checked in beforehand.

I also used to have a ton of social anxiety and had lots of trouble making friends. The two things that helped me most were disentangling all those negative thoughts with a therapist to figure out where the anxiety was coming from, and pushing myself beyond my comfort zone at my own pace. I thought I was just the kind of person who couldn't open up at all to more than one person, but I was able to change and social stuff is so much more enjoyable now. It's totally okay to be a shy person, but if it's something you want to change, I hope you can get to a point where you feel more comfortable.

[Edge]

Thanks for the support. I now have my goals clearly written down to discuss directly next time I see her. If she is unwilling to help me with these goals, then my time and money is best spent elsewhere.