Stealth and reebooting life after transition

[Eurydike]

Hello!
I've been reading this forum from time to time for the last four years without registering and until now I've always found some useful information and answers here, so I'd like to ask your opinion now. Besides, I don't know where else to ask . I hope you can give me some useful advice. Honestly, I know of no one else who'd understand the situation described below and could give me some competent and knowledgeable feedback. Thanks in advance for reading!

About myself
I am in my early thirties, two years post-GRS, quite happy with my transition, which I regard as accomplished. No big dramas, no big issues. I am in a relationship with another woman (cis) who knows about me, is supportive and respects my stealth options (stealth with her family and friends and pretty much elsewhere with some exceptions). I am also happy enough with the place I live in. Beyond commonplace misogyny and homophobia, I experience no major problems living as a female (about three years full-time now), but I did transition on the job I still have, and this seems to be the only problem now.

The problem
The transition on the job went well enough. Company policy was ok, some persons in key positions even helpful, and I only had to call out a couple of people making unnecessary comments. Despite generalized misinformation and cis prejudices, I only had to fight once for the right pronouns and forename, and that was the exception. If anything, I shifted my initial stance, from answering some questions openly and frankly in the beginning, to being more discreet and letting the novelty pass away as soon as possible –firstly for privacy reasons, but also because of that kind of people who enjoy playing "allies" for personal fulfillment or for the sake of patronizing you (also because many people see in you some kind of gender social role play that is public domain or a garbage dump for their views on gender, as well as for their love and sex stories. I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about).

After a year or so of being nice, I went some distance from those people, although I believe it is not my imagination if I say a kind of vacuum had already developed between me and many colleagues, either from the very beginning of transition or right after I proofed I'm not a gender play doll. I believe people who know about my transition just treat me differently: the stares, the subtle smirks, the second-class treatment, and so on. Even if I've experienced no problems worth mention outside the workplace, the new colleagues I get to know and could be friends with seem to want to listen to "my story" right after the first long talk and look somewhat disappointed when that does not happen. At some advanced point in the conversation, they start dropping words like "transgender" and "sex change" like they expect some kind of declaration, confession or talk show sensation. For me it would be no problem to talk about that with a good friend one has developed confidence with, but definitely not on a first meeting. I hope this gives you a picture of the situation.

My options
For me it feels more and more like this workplace situation is keeping me from achieving closure and leaving transition behind, and I'm pretty sure I am not able and don't want to get used to this scenario in the long run.  At the same time, I do not want to move somewhere else and I'm very happy with my girlfriend. On the other hand, I've talked to her about this issue and she has even said that, if I wait a couple of years and we both find jobs elsewhere, we could make that move together and she'd be happy with that. But again, I'm afraid that the situation here at the workplace could repeat itself everywhere else, for example after some personnel manager finds out because of old documents.

Some advice?
However risky or difficult, is moving on and rebooting life after transition the best option? And is that possible or does the past always catch up with you?

Do any of you know of similar situations? Can you offer some advice?

Thanks a lot for reading and for your feedback!

Eurydike

[Jamie D]

I just want to say, "Welcome," and that I am glad you signed up!

[Vicky]

As an older (and now retired) person, I have a little bit of perspective on this.  You do have a past, and it had good moments in it as well as the GD.  You do have a future, and the further you get into it, the less your past is going to be in the life.  Had you taken a transfer within a large organization to a different site, you would be in a better position for "stealth" but also would have no past in a sense.  A sweet smile and pretended memory fade can diffuse the coldness you are feeling, in fact you have in a sense snubbed your old supporters who know darn well how much of you has really changed, and how much has not.  Relax on your attempt to fade into the wood work, and take some pride in what you have done.  Keeping the details short and to the point will make the boss and the water cooler feel better, but "there's not much really to tell <smile> and Mr. Bigley has a bad look on his face" lets get back to work.  Another way would be to get a book like True Selves by Mildred Brown, and offer to loan it to them to read on their own time could also work for you.  If you want to move to a new job though, make it one that pays well.

I am not stealth, and know I can never get it, nor do I really want to.  The things I like doing can be done even better if I acknowledge my past, and with a proud smile!!

[Eurydike]

Dear Jamie, thanks a lot for your welcome!

Dear Vicky (and deal All),

Thanks a lot for your answer. I believe you're right when you say one must learn to be proud of who she is and what she has done. Definitely. For me, though, this was not a problem in the beginning, as I set up to be the type who would try to educate people about trans issues. Yeap, I do know "TrueSelves", it truly is a wonderful book.

What happened was this: the people who just take you at face value, for whom you are, were great and those do not need any education. They're just human enough. On the other side, those who have the prejudices, however good they may disguise them for the sake of company policies or political correctness, do not accept being educated. They just live to their privileged positions without feeling any contradictions or remorse. And what's more, I found out, they are the type who either see you as the fool or the mentally sick, who in either case needs to be patronized and showed the way.

Summing up, these are the ones who think they can tell you how to transition yourself, how are your looks, how you either do not need to transition in your body, just because "they've also have tried many hair, makeup and clothing styles" or because you just happen to be reinforcing gender stereotypes (btw, I'm the type who do not even use make up, this leading even to lots of comments of the type "oh, but you don't you use nail polish or lipstick". So if you do the Barbie thing, you're too feminine and a fake; if you don't, you're actually a guy –they just have the prejudice and power position and must only choose the better side from which to apply it).

Now let me make this clear: it was the latter type of people I had to call out and ultimately write off. For them I am not the ->-bleeped-<- type, just the "->-bleeped-<- bitch" (as in "assertive woman equals bitch"). In the end the thing worked out well: they let me alone and respected me, stopped making subtle nasty comments and did not get along with appropriating my transition and turning it into their show. If you settle for tolerance, you'll get a part in their play (probably as their pet); if you settle for equality and strength, you don't get to enjoy the "hugs for cookies" play, but at least you'll get respect (good heavens, how I like this word!).

What worries me the most is not all of the above, but this: in the beginning I set up to not necessarily living in stealth (it all went quickly, I had no plans, just wanted to make it through). Stealth was a kind of sudden, incidental finding. On the one side, it was the experience of transitioning on the job, the realization that openness works well with some people while ensuring you get a good deal of the nasty ones –which is enough to give you a hard time and even jeopardize transition. On the other side, as I did not start walking around with the trans flag when meeting new people, I practically saw myself enjoying the stealthy thing unwanted (I don't think I should have said I'm trans right after my name to show my pride).

And here's the point: people who know about your transition cannot put it aside and just treat you as if you've had measles as a kid, or a car accident, or an abortion, or any other kind of operation, or a divorce. For the ones who don't know, you're just yourself, with your better and not so good days and moods, like every other person.

Now that my stealth compartments in life are growing, transition falling behind, and the workplace as the only remnant of the hard time of putting up with nice, friendly, politically correct bigots, my heart calls for pride and fight, but my soul and my mind call for stealth and peace. I am not in for escapism, but for all-out realism: people are not rational beings; many of them do not want to be educated about diversity but wish to keep enjoying their privileges and power. (Btw, it is the same problem with sexism, gender equality and patriarchy).

Rationally, I know more and more of us need to be open, visible and change the world, but being treated like an oddity is no less isolation than the one experienced while living in stealth, just a different kind. For me the only reason for being open in some life departments would be activism, and even that may not be rewarding if we consider how many things really are within the queer community*. So, if you choose openness, you get high on "fighting the good fight"; if you choose stealth, you get high on the "Hindu cow peace". (Ok, if you're dyke as well, the other frontline may catch up with you).

But my initial question was another one: does reboot and stealth really pay off?  Is stealth really possible in the long term, especially if you're otherwise gender-variant or non-heterosexual, i.e. lesbian? What are your experiences and thoughts on this matter?

Sorry for writing so much. I am aware that I'm thinking aloud, and that I may be taking a digression to come to the point. Also, I know that many of you in this forum may be more concerned with treatments and body issues, so I'm sorry if I sound too whiny to you for nothing, but I believe my questions are relevant as many of us will have to ask them one way or another at some point in time.

Anyway, thanks a lot to all of you for being there, for transitioning and for reading!

Eurydike


* To say the least, among queer people there are the same trans prejudices as among non-queer people: some of them are really ok, while others are not so, even if they're expected to be somewhat more educated about trans. Of the most trans prejudiced persons I came across there've been some queer people (all of them white, middle-class, educated, somewhat involved in activism). Also, I must say I do not live in San Francisco, West Hollywood or some college campus, and where I live one seldom sees a couple of dykes holding hands, not even in community places, with a few exceptions like around CSD. 

[AusBelle]

But my initial question was another one: does reboot and stealth really pay off?  Is stealth really possible in the long term, especially if you're otherwise gender-variant or non-heterosexual, i.e. lesbian? What are your experiences and thoughts on this matter?

I can only comment as a straight trans women, but to get true stealth it would be wise to move on and find employment in a different company where people don't know you.  Ensure all your documents, references etc etc are up to date in your new details, leaving no stone unturned, and move on.  If you trawl through these forums you'll see that others have done this and been able to be stealth in their new companies.

I transitioned before joining my starting my current job, and have been there nearly 18 years and never been 'outed' or anything like that and remain quite stealthy.

Anyway, all the best.

[Eurydike]

Dear Belle,

Thanks a lot for your answer. It is good to know stealth can be achieved by just moving to another company.  In my case I still have to wait some time for most of my records and other documents to be updated. Even if that sounds like I'm ok with waiting, updated documents are a matter of time. In my case it might be also necessary not only to change employers but job branches, because I'm working in a sector where people hear things from other people in the trade with some regularity.  In a way, I'm also ok with that. After four years in transition I would just like as quickly as possible, but it seems I will need some more patience.

Just an open question to anyone who's gone stealth: did you go straight into stealth mode as soon as you were able to, or else realized after transition felt otherwise closed, just like me, that stealth was simply a better life option? That is, was stealth your goal from the beginning or did you arrive at that conclusion later in/after transition? Even if it's different for everyone, how long did it take you from HRT or from Orchy/GRS to achieve stealth?

Thanks,
Eurydike

[AusBelle]

I'm not saying stealth can only be achieved by moving to another company, but in your case it seems the best solution from what you've said.

I never actually set out to go stealth.  It sort of just happened.  Not being one to tell anyone my business and being one who's happy to blend into the background it sort of just happened.  Nobody asked questions and I didn't tell.  Being in a different city to where my family and friends lived helped.  Of course for me this only happened 18 months after starting transition/HRT and then starting work.  I had SRS about 18 months after starting work, and had it whilst on rec leave, with no one knowing it was anything but a holiday.

[Eurydike]

I'm not saying stealth can only be achieved by moving to another company, but in your case it seems the best solution from what you've said.

Yes, I was referring to my particular case, in which the workplace seems to be a kind of loose end that makes me feel uncomfortable, both because of some people's reactions in the past, after coming out, as well because of the different treatment since then.

I never actually set out to go stealth.  It sort of just happened.  Not being one to tell anyone my business and being one who's happy to blend into the background it sort of just happened.  Nobody asked questions and I didn't tell.  Being in a different city to where my family and friends lived helped.  Of course for me this only happened 18 months after starting transition/HRT and then starting work.  I had SRS about 18 months after starting work, and had it whilst on rec leave, with no one knowing it was anything but a holiday.

It sounds like pretty much the same in my case. I did not even dream of going stealth when I started. But now I' confronted with my feeling uncomfortable with people who know, even if some few of them are actually quite OK with the whole thing (others aren't). IMO, it has to do with the negative experiences at the workplace, but also with the fact that knowledge has kind of leaked outside the job into other circles.

Example: a couple of weeks ago, I was at a queer women event where there was someone who knew about me from someone connected with my job. Although I was not outed in the presence of other people, I left the place wondering whether that person had told anyone. I don't think that is a matter or inclusion or acceptance within queer women spaces, as some groups around here seem to be accepting and inclusive (even if individual reactions might vary). Generally, the inclusion question seems to be a matter of distorted stereotypes. Individually, for me it is a matter of privacy: my decision whether telling or not, to whom and when, and how. Yes, I you tell once, you can't prevent the news from spreading and many people who'll find out will link you to those stereotypes and see you in another light. But in my case it was other people who told.

I think telling is a kind of individual right for every of us. I do not like the idea of other people doing it or being able of doing it themselves. I believe that is not their right. So even with people who are perfectly ok, I am not too comfortable when my stealth compartments get messed up (people who know among people who don't).  However, as this seems to happen every now and then, I'm afraid it may be impossible to keep some leaks from happening, as well as keeping track about the people who know. So rebooting in stealth mode has been a recurring idea of mine in the last months.

If stealth compartmentalization does not eventually work for me, the only options left would be either not to care at all or else move on to stealth mode. First one is increasingly becoming my current setting. Not telling myself but not caring who knows. There's only a catch: that I really enjoy it when people don't know and don't give me the scanning, inquisitive, puzzled, and smirking or sensationalist stares. Not to mention the questions and remarks. So I'm increasingly considering the second option. Unfortunately, the only way stealth would work for me seems to be having all records updated and changing employer and town. So for now I am just getting ready to give it a go, when the time comes.

Murphy's law says by the time I'll be ready to reboot, the whole solar system will know, the stares would have stopped by themselves and I won't care at all. But  preparedness means having different options...