Blues about dating and love

[Arch]

I will also say that I have tried all the trans dating web sites.  And any mtf that I have contacted...get the same thing...."I want someone more feminine,"  Well, if that is what you want, why would you say you are interested in someone that is ftm?

You seem to be saying that FTMs are uniformly very masculine, and that's just not the case. One of my best buds is a pretty femme FTM. He's so femme that I sometimes have a hard time hanging out with him. Sounds like these MTFs would have a field day with him!

[mowdan6]

Hi Arch.  That is not what I am saying.  I am saying I have always been upfront with any mtf I have talked to.  We start having this great communication and then they lay on me the 'too masculine' thing.  I know we are all different with different interests.  I just happen to be a very masculine ftm that would like to find someone that is mtf that appreciates that.  and that is hard to find. 

[Natkat]

Maybe its some kind of dyshoria for pretending to be a man too long?
abit like transpeople who dont want to date other transpeople because it reminds them on themself and there own problems as being transgender.

[Arch]

When I was early in transition, a fellow trans person told me that I might have to "lower my standards" if my then-current relationship died (which it did). I was told that much older gay men and disabled gay men might be good targets. I think this person meant well--and meant something else--but I was pretty offended. So I should shoot for the paraplegic guy because he'll be so desperate that he'll settle for a d***less wonder, and I'm so undesirable that an able-bodied gay man would never want me? (Sadly, the latter seems to be fairly close to the truth, but it's not, ahem, a hard and fast rule).

I did decide to broaden my horizons. I figure that if I did become interested in a relationship again, I should keep my options open and not limit myself to the usual skinny geeks of about my own age. The problem is that I never targeted skinny geeks; the relationships usually just happened. And, I can't help it, but I'm still not attracted to heavier guys or men who are fifteen or twenty years older than I am. Beyond that, I'm also limited by my olfactory sense. I still have a (predominantly or exclusively female) program that renders a man completely ineligible if he doesn't smell compatible. And in four and a half years, I've never run into a confirmed gay man who smelled compatible. I was hoping that T would blunt my sense of smell or disable this way of screening mates, but that hasn't happened. Sucks.

[Mr.X]

Arch, that pretty much describes how I feel. I also don't want to settle for someone who's not compatible with me, but it feels like I'll have to when given the rare chance. But I don't think I could be with anyone who's more than seven years older than me, so it just won't happen.

(Sadly, the latter seems to be fairly close to the truth, but it's not, ahem, a hard and fast rule).

Maybe not a hard rule, but it does make it very, very complicated and hard to find someone. Ah well....Some people are meant to stay alone, I guess. My brother can have all the fun while I watch at the side lines of the dating and love game.

In any case, thank you all for your replies. It is both sad and reassuring that I am not the only one who is blue about this. Just another unfair aspect of being trans, I guess.

[hattie]

In the end, it all comes down to self-confidence. Having that, you can achieve ANYTHING. Fear, anxiety, over-thinking and over-analysing things all the time does not lead to success.. In order to make it happen, you must be open to it. And if you are phobic or anxious, you can't be open..
I have said before here that I am a straight girl, and I fell in love with my boyfriend and all his manly qualities (in his personality and not only). He is pre-T and quite feminine looking. To cheer you up, I am 5.8' and he is 5.3'  We are quite a couple huh? Everything is possible. I hope I raised your hopes! It's all in you.

[Arch]

Some people are meant to stay alone, I guess. My brother can have all the fun while I watch at the side lines of the dating and love game.

Well, just don't go around thinking that you're doomed. That's unattractive to most people. Just take it as it comes and have faith that somewhere out there is a good mate for you.

With that said, I was with some of my friends many months ago, and I said something to the effect that I didn't really expect to be in a relationship again, so I wasn't holding my breath. One of the guys told me that this was why I wasn't getting any interest--because of my negative attitude.

Boy, I could have answered him in so many ways. First, I have had interested parties, but I haven't pursued them. Second, I don't want a relationship right now, not before bottom surgery. Even if the attractions had been mutual, I would have had to deal with the anatomy situation. And anyway, I'm working on my career now. If I can get stable, long-term employment, then I can have bottom surgery. THEN maybe I can think about relationships.

He assumed that I was actively looking for men and not having any luck because I had a negative attitude. But he also didn't know that I'm trans. Stealth can certainly make things complicated.

[D0LL]

Boy, this thread is depressing me. 

I've gotta say with all honesty, this is one of the main reasons I have doubts on transitioning. I haven't even dated many guys (or girls) as a female yet; I'm just picky. So, if I'm picky, and then end up meeting someone I actually like who's picky about my transition, that puts me back at square one. :/ And I HAVE considered MtF's, but, honestly, most of the ones I know in person aren't passable enough for me, or their personality is far too annoying. Obviously not to say all of them are, not at all, but...the ones near me tend to be more so than anything else. Maybe I'll have more faith in the process once I meet one that I can click with more, but until them, I'm left doubtful.

I also fear meeting the "right" guy and getting heartbroken because of something like this. I met a guy a few months ago, totally wouldn't have thought he was my type, but even though I've only hung out with him twice, I can't stop thinking about him. My heart literally skips a beat when he crosses my mind. I'm back with my old boyfriend now (he doesn't know my trans thoughts yet), but I can't stop thinking about this guy, no matter how guilty I feel about it. I used to love my boyfriend's truck, but after taking a ride in this other guy's truck, I get nothing but disappointed when I see his F-150 now. If I can get this heartbroken over a guy I would have thought I had a chance with, what will it be like when I know I don't have a chance from the start?

I'm just so afraid of despising myself more than I already do if I chose to possibly give up on love. I'm not a big sucker for Valentine's Day or any of that cheesy crap, but once you've found someone who lifts your heart up off the ground, it's hard to settle for anything less than that feeling. And I wasn't one to settle to begin with.

[Simon]

I've gotta say with all honesty, this is one of the main reasons I have doubts on transitioning.

When I decided to transition it had nothing to do with who will possibly love me. It didn't have to do with social standing, male privilege, or what anyone else thought. I did it for myself. I did it because if I didn't...I didn't see a future for myself except the grave.

If you have a lot of doubts about transitioning, don't. I'm not talking about normal "how am I going to get this done" sort of fears. What I am saying is if every fiber in your being isn't screaming at you that your body is wrong then you may very well be able to live in the gender you were assigned to at birth or explore gender neutral ground.

Some may get mad when I say this but I don't care. If you are not 100% sure about medical transition and able to deal with the repercussions of doing so if you change your mind down the road then by all means wait.

[Arch]

When I decided to transition it had nothing to do with who will possibly love me. It didn't have to do with social standing, male privilege, or what anyone else thought. I did it for myself. I did it because if I didn't...I didn't see a future for myself except the grave.

Yes. Yes. YES. This is exactly how I felt. I was in a relationship, I knew it might go south, the main reason I'd held out so long was my relationship...and then things got so bad that I just couldn't go on like that anymore. I transitioned to save my life.

Some may get mad when I say this but I don't care. If you are not 100% sure about medical transition and able to deal with the repercussions of doing so if you change your mind down the road then by all means wait.

I think this is pretty sensible advice, but I would allow for some doubt. Some people get to a certain point and just have to do it, despite a few little nagging doubts at the back of their mind. I think it's usually fear, though--fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss, and so forth.

I didn't have any doubt that I needed to transition and that I would transition, but I had fears about what was ahead of me. And, frankly, I resented feeling that I didn't have any choice. I was backed into a corner, and I don't like that feeling. So I felt as if I had doubts, but they were only fears.

[D0LL]

I think this is pretty sensible advice, but I would allow for some doubt. Some people get to a certain point and just have to do it, despite a few little nagging doubts at the back of their mind. I think it's usually fear, though--fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss, and so forth.

I didn't have any doubt that I needed to transition and that I would transition, but I had fears about what was ahead of me. And, frankly, I resented feeling that I didn't have any choice. I was backed into a corner, and I don't like that feeling. So I felt as if I had doubts, but they were only fears.

I think you're right more than anything.
Because I don't doubt that I hate this body. I don't doubt that I'd MUCH rather be a different gender.
Rather, I fear that I won't be able to find love. I fear the transitioning process. I fear I'll hate my body more once I start transitioning.

But I'm stronger than fear. After the night I had with my boy, I now realize that. :3

Fear is what got me feminizing, trying to cloak my real body. And what a damn mess that turned out to be. So I'm no longer going to give in to fear. I'm going to speak for myself, and not for anyone else.

The only real fear that drives me at this point is the fear that I'm going to do something drastic to myself if I don't change. And that's fear I'm willing to give in to.

[Simon]

I think you're right more than anything.
Because I don't doubt that I hate this body. I don't doubt that I'd MUCH rather be a different gender.
Rather, I fear that I won't be able to find love. I fear the transitioning process. I fear I'll hate my body more once I start transitioning.

The only real fear that drives me at this point is the fear that I'm going to do something drastic to myself if I don't change. And that's fear I'm willing to give in to.

I understand where you're coming from. Those are all rational fears.

Change is always scary and changing your shell to reflect your inner self can be hard. For myself, the changing physically wasn't what was/is hard. It's the reactions of others. When someone medically transitions they find out who their real family is. Those who will stand with you regardless and sometimes it's not who is bound to you by blood.

Transition is hard but it's also very rewarding. When the day comes that you feel self assured and proud of who you have become you'll look back and realize that it has all been worth it. Every bit of it.

Best of luck with your journey and (as I'm sure you realize) everyone here will be around to help, celebrate, and empathize as much as possible. 

[Northern Jane]

I have been around this ol' world an awfully long time and LOVE is one of the toughest subjects for anybody but more so if you have a trans background!

I had SRS in 1974 for myself, to be myself - no choice - it was either transition or die. Being predominately straight, I didn't tell guys at first. When I was just having a good time and playing the field, they didn't need to know. Later, when I was looking for a relationship, I would be more open and almost invariably they would disappear. One stayed, for 13 years, but in the end I just couldn't settle for less than what I wanted/needed. With men, if he knew about my childhood, there was always the question "How does he see me?" and that mattered to me. I KNOW that cis men (or at least most of them) just don't get it and telling them usually changes the relationship (even if they don't run away).

The great love of my life turned out to be a woman but we both considered ourselves straight and I lost her to a brain tumour before we even figured out what it all meant.

I didn't date for a long time after losing my great love and returning to the dating scene at almost 60 was tough! In general, I think more men are understanding but I do not think or act my age so men of my generation just can't keep up with me and I have no interest in "slowing down".

Very recently, out of loneliness, I tried to settle but I just CAN'T DO IT! He loves me passionately but I do not have any feelings for him so I am going to end up breaking his heart. 

Love is tough for anybody but even harder if you have a "non-standard history". I sort of hoped that one day I would run across a FtM that tickled my fancy but it never happened. At least with an FtM you would KNOW that they understood and you would know how they saw you!

Good luck to all of you who are seeking love!

[Nero]

I didn't date for a long time after losing my great love

Glad I'm not alone in this. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me waiting so long.

[heartlesstruths]

As much as I agree with you on this, I do feel like I'm missing out. All my friends are hooking up, or at least have had long term relationships. Not me. I never had someone to share my life with.

I do regret that it's more difficult to have casual, random type sex though.

Yep.. I really don't want to be in a relationship at this point in my life, I'm trying to finish up college and have some sense of financial security, as well as gain some experience for grad school. But I have been feeling like I'm missing out since high school, really, because I have never so much as kissed anyone. I went through high school and the beginning of college as female, mainly because I wasn't sure how my family would deal with me telling them about being trans, the financing for hormones if they were to agree to it, etc. I was also kind of in denial about the whole thing because I had such severe dysphoria at the time I felt like T would be kind of a lost cause for me anyway (I tend to be an all-or-nothing type in general.) I've had a couple guys interested in me during that time, but ended up turning them down and (at least one of those times) telling them about being trans, because I knew I wasn't attracted to guys at all and it weirded me out to the point I had to be completely honest about it, LOL.

So I am more interested in the casual dating/sex thing, which seems far more difficult (I'd think it's typically the other way around for most of civilization, so that doesn't help much either  ), so yeah, I totally feel like I am missing out and it's getting worse since being in college so long (it's gonna take me like 6 years to graduate, probably, with all the medical issues I've had even aside from/running parallel to transitioning.) I'm tired of putting all of my life into academics when I don't even know how to live my own life.


It messes with my mind too because I generally get along better with women but then I don't want to ruin friendships with sex (hence the focus on finding that elsewhere.) Especially when I'm so good at compartmentalizing different people in my life But then there is this aspect of it that's so difficult just because of being trans and my history (or lack thereof, haha.) And also because I identify as straight and most women I end up being attracted to are straight. 

I'm thinking I might just go scouring dating sites over the summer (hopefully I will also be working so maybe that'd be good social leverage too), like someone suggested earlier so that I can be more open about things, to see if I can address my situation, lol.

[Arch]

Glad I'm not alone in this. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me waiting so long.

My relationship officially ended in May 2009. It's been four years since I was with anyone. If someone came along who excited a mutual attraction, I wouldn't know what to do with him. I think this is pretty normal for people like us. Or if not normal, at least typical.

[sneakersjay]

In dating we all have preferences, sure.  But we want someone to accept us for who we are (heck, everybody does!), we also should be more accepting of other people.  Everybody has flaws.  Does everyone have to have 6 pack abs? Be thin? have an awesome sense of humor?  I don't think we have to settle for less than someone who makes us happy, but it helps if we also can look past an imperfect wrapper.

I'm getting to the point where I just have to own the fact that I have an alternate history, and not apologize for it, and not feel rejected if someone can't get past it.

I recently had a great time with someone and was dumped the next day because of my body and history.  I can't take it personally.  He just as well may have dumped me for being too short, not buff enough, or having a small penis.  Some people are very superficial, and I should be thankful I found that out earlier rather than later.

I'm trying to develop a thicker skin and realize that not everyone will accept me.  That is their prerogative.  I'm trying not to get too excited if someone expresses interest, and to have the expectation that it is more likely they won't be into me than they will, and allow myself to be pleasantly surprised if they accept me.

Having a positive attitude and a good sense of humor about it goes a long way.  Love yourself and don't apologize for who you are.  We can't change our history, but we don't have to be dragged down by it.

Jay