Seeing a Specialist, need advice.

[Veronique]

Hi,

I am warning for a long post, but there is no shorter way of saying this. I have been wanting to make another topic a few hundred times now but for some reason i am ashamed and feel a fraud amongst people with more serious trouble. I have been dealing with Gender problems for around 5 years now, and i am starting to become real sick of having doubts all over the place and basically not knowing a thing about my own Gender Identity. Ever since i first learned about Transsexualism i have been deeply fascinated and moved. The first year it was always on my mind, and around the second year i started dressing.

These dress up sessions usually didn't take too long, rarely did make up because i was afraid of getting caught. Dressing up meant one thing for me, i could imagine i was a girl in the mirror, and that was my main motivation. Most of the time these sessions got ruined because i could not forget about my masculine features. When i bought my first bra it was wonderful, mainly because now i could pretend to have breasts and fill them up, with the bra to support them. That is the number one thing for me about Bra's, the feeling you get when your (homemade) breasts push against your chest, with a little imagination i can imagine those are real breasts and it's a feeling that is indescribable. Although it sounds cheesy, i really do believe i was supposed to have breasts anyway.

Since i discovered the joy of pretending to have breasts, i have made it into a ritual. The past 3 years i never missed a night while not dressed in a bra and leggings and underwear. I have to say that i have never done anything sexual while dressed, and i don't get aroused by wearing stuff. That's not the way i enjoy dressing. But what i do have is that also around 5 years ago i started to fantasize being a woman in intercourse. Slowly i did this more and more, and nowadays i am a woman in 95% of every sexual fantasy. So while i do not use clothing or whatever, i have grown a "female mind" when it comes to sex.

I came out to my family, now i am supported and i can dress while at home. Though i kept dressing mostly to myself because i was ashamed. I been to the doctor plenty of time and talked to therapists, usually what they did was ignore my Gender problems and went on to try to fix other problems. So far i have been able to maintain my sanity, but i fear things are going downhill fast since last year. I have been thinking about the option of transitioning and feel like i am already doing so, i have also begun to start wearing female clothing/bra/wig for longer periods of time, seeing as a girl can't just take off her breasts i feel like i shouldn't be able to either. If only i could get over the shame about my somewhat masculine face, i could already live as a girl at home. This is tough for me to deal with, i am also scared someone might see me trough the windows.

Like many times before i would be triggered by certain things, usually these things were other girls, clothing. When i say triggered i used to mean think about it, analyze it etc. It has not been like that this past year. Instead of confusing thoughts popping up i skip those and instantly head to depressed/crying/hopeless feeling mode. At the same time i am growing so jealous of girls that it hurts terribly. Several times i told myself i rather be dead, or i would think about reincarnation and the possibility to be born again. Even though i wouldn't do it, these thoughts feel serious and threatening.

Now i want to see a Gender team so i can hopefully sort some things out. But there are some things holding me back. I have had moments i didn't care much, moments where i feel i am a fraud. At times like that i feel like i have let things go to far and i have this problem by choice. Mainly this stems from the way i discovered Transsexualism, and how i first reacted to it. I found out about it trough a documentary, and my thoughts were instantly that i wanted to be like that, turning from a dull boy into a interesting beautiful girl. And i remember that at the time i definitely said to myself that although i want to be like that, i am not. I am also dealing with multiple other "disorders" or whatever but i don't think they could mimic Gender Identity Disorder, perhaps OCD which i feel i have a weak variation of.

The Gender Team in my country has a 5 month waiting list, it would probably be smart to sign up already. I still have a lot more but the wall of text is starting to get too big. I am also quite paranoia but really if you read this and you know exactly who i am i'd say "Good for you" because i don't even care anymore. This is just one of my many attempts to sum up a pile of utterly confusing thoughts into a topic.

Thanks

[Rachel]

I feel transg* is not a disorder and if a person is transg* then the journey is to realize it is just that your body is wrong and not your "self".

I know the above is very simplistic of the issue but it boils down to that one sentence.

Transg* is a difficult thing for me to face alone and a Gender Therapist, Susans Place, a Social Worker and a lot of hard work and introspection and trust has allowed me to make real progress to expressing the female in my "self". My male identity is a false identity and I am chipping away at it and replacing it we the real me.

Good luck in your journey, hugs.

[Ltl89]

It really sounds like you would benefit from seeing a specialist.  If you have other problems, some therapists with lack of training may lump those feelings into the other conditions.  A specialist is more likely to understand what you are saying and separate those feelings from the other conditions.  I don't what other conditions you have, but it is common for transgender people to go through things like depression. 

One concern I have for you though is this following passage from your post:

  "Mainly this stems from the way i discovered Transsexualism, and how i first reacted to it. I found out about it trough a documentary, and my thoughts were instantly that i wanted to be like that, turning from a dull boy into a interesting beautiful girl. And i remember that at the time i definitely said to myself that although i want to be like that, i am not".

Forget about wanting to transition or be a pretty girl.  You seem to have gender issues, but you claim here that you are not like the girls in the documentary.  Besides your current appearance and their transition, what makes you different from these girls?  If there are no other differences, I think you are perhaps denying aspects of your identity.  You also claim you want to be like them.  However, are you like them?  I don't know people who want to be transgender or transsexual. All I know is people who happen to fall into those categories. 

Nonetheless, I really think you should move forward and see someone about this.  A trained professional can help you get through any confusions you are currently having. 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Cindy]

As others have said you need the help of a therapist trained in gender disorder.

There is nothing wrong or surprising that seeing a documentary or reading an article 'triggered' your thoughts. It did for me some 50 odd years ago, I didn't know why I was a girl in boys body. I didn't have a clue! But I saw an article in a barbers shop and it all clicked into place.

'Oh my I'm one of them!'  Now of course I realise that I'm not 'one of them' whatever that means , I'm a woman who was born with the incorrect anatomy.

But that article explained stuff to me and started me on this road to freedom.

So I would make your booking. Transitioning is not compulsory! Just because you attend a gender clinic will not mean that you are assigned to the surgeon and pumped with hormones. It means that you will meet professionals who work in the area.

[Veronique]

I feel transg* is not a disorder and if a person is transg* then the journey is to realize it is just that your body is wrong and not you "self".

I know the above is very simplistic of the issue but it boils down to that one sentence.

Transg* is a difficult thing for me to face alone and a Gender Therapist, Susans Place, a Social Worker and a lot of hard work and introspection and trust has allowed me to make real progress to expressing the female in my "self". My male identity is a false identity and I am chipping away at it and replacing it we the real me.

Good luck in your journey, hugs.

Yeah but that's the thing, what classifies as thinking your body is wrong? I have had the luck to already have a feminine body, i also have really thin arms and legs. It seems that while i did not have bad symptoms before, it is getting worse as time progresses. But one thing that is becoming clearer and clearer to me is that having a female body is what i WANT, but i am not sure if it i NEED it. Then again my perception might be completely off, because the list of issues i have in my life is long enough to reach the floor. And i really don't know how i got to have these things, things like

depression, OCD, Panic attacks, hyperventilation, severe drug abuse, isolation. That's another thing. While most people can think about social situations and how they fit in them, i cannot. I haven't had friends in around 5 years, i don't know where i belong in a social setting, i can only guess and follow my instincts. Likewise i haven't had a relationship in 7+ years , so i didn't have any experience or valuable lesson that could at least reveal a fraction of my Gender Identity. By the way i am 20.

Learning to live - I could write 10 pages full of things and i still wouldn't have properly explained what i went trough. Basically when i saw this documentary i was so deeply moved. But what i can remember clearly is that because i did not have the exact experience as the person in the documentary i felt like i was not like that. And really the differences between my experiences and the typical TS experience is so off. But then i got to realize every gender confused person follows their own unique path, and not having the typical experience doesn't say anything. This documentary was very special to me, i can still remember so many doors opening to me when i saw this. More specifically i felt so high up in the clouds. I didn't know a thing about Transsexualism but i just knew that i had to do something with it if i were to discover my ideal self.

When i say i wanted to be like the person in the documentary all i meant to say was i want to follow a set of actions towards happiness like "them". But instead of that i face a enormous amount of unidentified feelings, a whole pile of other conditions. Do you understand? If i were Transsexual i would know EXACTLY what to do. This bit has made people mad before in the past and i understand it. It's not fun being trans. But try to imagine yourself in my shoes. While being trans is terribly difficult i still feel i'd rather be like that than face huge amount of trouble not knowing why.

I am "like them" now. I am turning more feminine by the day, since last year clothing being bought is always feminine, my style is turning more androgynous and my hair is long and i am nearly ready to visit the barber for a feminine hairstyle. It feels great.

Thanks Cindy, i am starting to get more comfortable with the thought of going. The main reason i didn't want to go is because my gender identity can fluctuate quite a bit, sometimes i feel the worst of my feelings, and other times i feel like i over exaggerated. At times it feels like a terribly complicated issue, but i also experience moments when things seem to be more clearer, and not that big of a deal.

I was not done with this post, but i have been writing and thinking for more than a hour now so it's time to hit the "Post". I really appreciate that you've read my post, i am also grateful i didn't receive nasty comments. (which i did before) but i understand. Thanks

[Cindy]

Quote

"I was not done with this post, but i have been writing and thinking for more than a hour now so it's time to hit the "Post". I really appreciate that you've read my post, i am also grateful i didn't receive nasty comments. (which i did before) but i understand. "

If you receive nasty comments report them.

We Mods try to look at every post but we do miss some. Nasty comments are not allowed here.

Cindy

[Rachel]

6 months ago I saw a program with a 7 year old transg little girl. I just sat there with tears running down my face. it is very difficult for me to see and hear this young transg girls and have her express how she feels. I identify 100% with her issues but have lost most of my life being false. There are triggers that bring with them intense emotion. I find comfort in doing something to being my true self.

A transg knowledgeable social worker and or therapist can help you deal with the feelings that are trapped and hurt. They can help you understand what you want to do and who you really are.

[Donna Elvira]

Hi Sylanor,
A lot older than you, I can still empathize very much with everything you wrote and, having agonized a lot about my own condition, I also actually think it is pretty good that you are asking yourself the questions you are asking:

At the same time i am growing so jealous of girls that it hurts terribly. Several times i told myself i rather be dead, or i would think about reincarnation and the possibility to be born again. Even though i wouldn't do it, these thoughts feel serious and threatening.

At times like that i feel like i have let things go to far and i have this problem by choice. Mainly this stems from the way i discovered Transsexualism, and how i first reacted to it. I found out about it trough a documentary, and my thoughts were instantly that i wanted to be like that, turning from a dull boy into a interesting beautiful girl. And i remember that at the time i definitely said to myself that although i want to be like that, i am not. I am also dealing with multiple other "disorders" or whatever but i don't think they could mimic Gender Identity Disorder, perhaps OCD which i feel i have a weak variation of.

Thanks

Raising such questions is at least part of the path to finding your own truth.

Reacting to these questions, I would reckon a lot of us would say we also had the feeling you describe of being jealous of genetic girls. Even now, since it is so much harder for me than for them, I still get those sorts of feelings...

We have also probably all had our "moment of truth" when something you read, see, hear..., rings a bell and helps you put words on a feeling you could never quite put your finger on up until then.

Lastly, yes, there is also the question about all of this just being a way to make yourself interesting, another question I have asked myself more than once.

Hopefully you will quickly find someone who will help you sort through all of this but you can already be reassured about one thing, you are far from being the only person here who has asked the sort of question you are asking yourself so that should not be a concern.

It took me years to find the answers, all the more so as I made choices early on in my life ie. mariage and kids, that I had to assume until my kids grew up. At the end of the day, experimentation was the only way I found to really KNOW what was right.  I explored my feminine side more and more, first by going out in public as a woman, then HRT, then FFS...all over a long period of time. Since each step of the way felt right, I continued and today I have no doubt at all about my feelings.

I hope for you that you will find your answers quicker than I did and you probably will because there is simply so much awareness and knowledge about "GID" today compared to when I was your age.

Susan's place is a perfect example. There are so many stories here that you can use to better understand your own feelings but, while they will certainly help you, nothing can replace the work you can do with a therapist if you find the right person. This last condition is important by the way.  Even if a gender specialist sounds like the best solution, the trust you have in your therapist, how ready you feel to really open up,  will also be a major element in the quality of the outcome.

Wishing you all the best and rest assured, you are really not alone.
Bises
Donna

[Ltl89]

Sylanor,

I get you.  Our situations are not too different and we close in age.   I've always had difficulties making friends and fitting in.  Quite frankly, the only close friends I really have today are those who know about my situation.  It's not easy being trans and making friends.  As for dating, well that has always been a disaster.   I've had women attracted to me, but never desired to really go down that route.  And I never really met men who were interested in me.  So, my love life has always been lonely and non existent. 

As for wanting to be trans, I get what you mean.  You want to be able to accomplish what they have but feel you can't.  Believe me, I always feel inadequate to other transwoman when I compare them to myself.  "They're so pretty and passable, I won't be that. They're so strong, but I'm so weak.  I'll never be accepted".  Don't let fear get to you.  I have always felt the same way.  When I was 19-20 I was going to transition and stopped myself because I didn't think I could go through with it.  However, a few years have gone passed and here I am with the same desires.  This time I will go through it. 

Make sure you follow your heart and do what you want.  Don't let anyone or anything stop you for being who you are.  Just be true to yourself.  And please seek out help for this.  It will probably make you feel a lot better.

[Veronique]

Thanks everyone, i have done some searching and i am starting to actually get somewhere. I have decided to sign up for treatment at a facility that deals with a large variety of issues, Gender amongst them. This is really good news, because now i can throw it all on the table and not worry about talking to unqualified people. One of the only facilities in my country, There are a few though that treat Gender exclusively, but as i still have massive doubts i think taking the wider approach is better.

[Rachel]

Good luck, I wish the best for you .