Hi Sylanor,
A lot older than you, I can still empathize very much with everything you wrote and, having agonized a lot about my own condition, I also actually think it is pretty good that you are asking yourself the questions you are asking:
Quote from: Sylanor on May 18, 2013, 10:41:29 AM
At the same time i am growing so jealous of girls that it hurts terribly. Several times i told myself i rather be dead, or i would think about reincarnation and the possibility to be born again. Even though i wouldn't do it, these thoughts feel serious and threatening.
At times like that i feel like i have let things go to far and i have this problem by choice. Mainly this stems from the way i discovered Transsexualism, and how i first reacted to it. I found out about it trough a documentary, and my thoughts were instantly that i wanted to be like that, turning from a dull boy into a interesting beautiful girl. And i remember that at the time i definitely said to myself that although i want to be like that, i am not. I am also dealing with multiple other "disorders" or whatever but i don't think they could mimic Gender Identity Disorder, perhaps OCD which i feel i have a weak variation of.
Thanks
Raising such questions is at least part of the path to finding your own truth.
Reacting to these questions, I would reckon a lot of us would say we also had the feeling you describe of being jealous of genetic girls. Even now, since it is so much harder for me than for them, I still get those sorts of feelings...

We have also probably all had our "moment of truth" when something you read, see, hear..., rings a bell and helps you put words on a feeling you could never quite put your finger on up until then.
Lastly, yes, there is also the question about all of this just being a way to make yourself interesting, another question I have asked myself more than once.
Hopefully you will quickly find someone who will help you sort through all of this but you can already be reassured about one thing, you are far from being the only person here who has asked the sort of question you are asking yourself so that should not be a concern.
It took me years to find the answers, all the more so as I made choices early on in my life ie. mariage and kids, that I had to assume until my kids grew up. At the end of the day, experimentation was the only way I found to really KNOW what was right. I explored my feminine side more and more, first by going out in public as a woman, then HRT, then FFS...all over a long period of time. Since each step of the way felt right, I continued and today I have no doubt at all about my feelings.
I hope for you that you will find your answers quicker than I did and you probably will because there is simply so much awareness and knowledge about "GID" today compared to when I was your age.
Susan's place is a perfect example. There are so many stories here that you can use to better understand your own feelings but, while they will certainly help you, nothing can replace the work you can do with a therapist if you find the right person. This last condition is important by the way. Even if a gender specialist sounds like the best solution, the trust you have in your therapist, how ready you feel to really open up, will also be a major element in the quality of the outcome.
Wishing you all the best and rest assured, you are really not alone.
Bises
Donna