When to use the ladies room?

[Joanna Dark]

So I really thought I would have a lot more time before I had to worry about using the ladies room but I feel really uncomfortable using the men's room and people stare at me when I do. The first time I used the men's room nobody was in there but I was walking out this man was walking in and he just stopped and started staring at me and he looked mad. And he kept watching me as I walked up the stairs out into the city. Then the second time I tired to use it (it was closed), as I walked out there were these five girls and they all started staring at me weirdly, as if I just did something stupid or bad. But on the other hand I don't want to use the ladies room and get in trouble.

I don't feel like I pass but I'm starting to think I don't pass as a guy. I even went out today dressed pretty boyish. Granted I was still wearing women's clothes but they were on the male side of androgynous. Kinda. I was even wearing a hat. Yet guys kept striking conversations with me out of the blue. One guy called me sweetheart. Yay! This woman commented on my bag and was like "That is the coolest pocketbook, girl. Where'd you get it." The closest I came to a sir was from some bum and when I ignored him and glanced at him he started calling me 'miss.' I wasn't wearing makeup or anything and my hair is like three inches long.

I know some people will read this and be like "what a biotch." I'm not complaining I lovelovelove that I am passing. I love that guys flirt with me. But how do you know when to switch. I don't even want to use the bathroom anymore cause I'm worried if I use the men's room it will cause a commotion. It has pretty much. And I don't feel like I pass. I just don't know what to do. Granted I know for an MTF this is a good problem to have but it is still a problem none the less.

So how did people decide when to switch? Any suggestions?

[Misato]

I still freak out about the bathrooms.  Still, I tied my switch to when I went full time, the exception being the gym because penis and needing to shower.

Sounds to me like if you're getting grief from using the men's room, maybe it's time to make the switch?  Or at least try and see what happens?

[Constance]

I had basically used my presentation as a guide. If I was presenting as male I'd use the men's room. I've been full-time since September 2011, my ID was changed to say I'm female in February 2013 and women's rooms are still a bit of an issue for me.

I prefer to use unisex restrooms when I can, and the ones I've found are usually single-occupancy. My ex-wife sent me links to resources like Safe2Pee, a web site that help locate safe public toilets. There used to be an iOS app called TransSquat, but it's no longer available in the iTunes store. I haven't found another like it yet, for iOS or Android.

[Olivia-Anne]

Well if you are presenting male then use the male restroom. If you are presenting as female then use the female restroom. I get that you are starting to enter the male fail mode. I think at that times its kind of a gray area. I might suggest starting to lean one side or the other when you dress. Dressing ambiguosly now, is making people have to really look at you instead of auto-gendering. Which in turn is causing you to be uneasy. In my personal experience, thats what I had to do. If I dress strongly on one side of the spectrum or the other thats what I would get gendered as. Or you can do what others have done at that time and just go full time.
Good Luck!

<3 Liv

[Tristan]

when people start looking at you funny and saying , "miss thats the mens room you want the other one" thats def the time to start always using the womans room. true story from my past

[Joanna Dark]

See I really don't get the concept of full-time. I wear all women's clothes. I carry a woman's purse. Or so I have been told. I have obvious boobs. I don't wear a bra but if I did it would be a 34 B. I'm technically a C cup. Band measurement 32. Bust 35. I had serious gynecomsatia since I was 17. I was a 36 A/B when I started. But I would most likely be kicked out of my house if I started wearing skirts or dresses. I don't even really want to. Well I kinda want to. I just don't have the option.

I'm just conflicted because I don't think I pass 100 percent. But everyone else does, I think. It's so hard to tell. Yes, I get referred to as a woman but I keep thinking that these people are just oblivious. The one thing is I can't get in trouble for using the men's room. I have a penis. The problem I think is that in second grade I was friends with this girl and we would use the girl's room together at recess. I did this for awhile but one day these fourth graders came in and I got in all sorts of trouble. So now 25 years later I have a hang up. Part of me feels like well if everyone thinks I'm a girl then will they all of the sudden stop thinking that when I use the ladies room? I doubt it.

How do people react if they suspect you are a guy in the women's room? What would they do? The mens room is different if some guy told the police a woman used the mens room the cop would laugh and be like "was she hot?" Nobody cares. The woman's room not so much. All I can think of is that conservative in Tennesee who said he would stomp a ->-bleeped-<- in the mouth or something if he saw it. That scares me.

when people start looking at you funny and saying , "miss thats the mens room you want the other one" thats def the time to start always using the womans room. true story from my past

Yeah I thought that too. That's kinda what I'm waiting for. So maybe I actually don't pass cause nobody has said that. Just stares. Lots of staring.

[Constance]

For me, full time was when I stopped using my male name, even at my work place, before my legal name and gender change were done.

I've gotten some odd looks in various women's rooms. So like I mentioned before, I try to know where there are unisex or "family" restrooms. I've not yet been harassed in a ladies room, but I have gotten looks that suggest I should be elsewhere.

I no longer use breastforms, and after 2 years of hormone I almost have A-cup breasts. I usually just wear a padded bra.

[Misato]

I've been getting more stares of late too when I'm andro.  It is confusing on the bathroom front then.  In all honesty-- right now I've just been trying to hold it.

I haven't had a problem with the women's room yet, even on my days when I tip just away from andro thereby making myself comfortable enough to go in.  I do like unisex restrooms and used them a LOT at the university cause they were available.

I think of Tennessee of Arizona-- still when I go in I try to avoid eye contact.  I'm just going in there to take care of some business and I have a right to be in there.  Golly it's all stalls anyway!  And there's something to be said for our dedication if you're willing to wait in line to go to the bathroom vs. dip in an out of a mens!   Hopefully if someone was inclined to say something, they'll give you a pass on your determination alone.  At least, that's the kind of stuff I tell myself.

[Joanna Dark]

For me, full time was when I stopped using my male name, even at my work place, before my legal name and gender change were done.

I've gotten some odd looks in various women's rooms. So like I mentioned before, I try to know where there are unisex or "family" restrooms. I've not yet been harassed in a ladies room, but I have gotten looks that suggest I should be elsewhere.

I no longer use breastforms, and after 2 years of hormone I almost have A-cup breasts. I usually just wear a padded bra.

I'll be waiting forever if I wait for a name change. And a gender change? I'd need SRS and that also is prob four years or more away. Ugh I need money. If I just did this in 2007 when I was basically presenting female and went all the way and started HRT instead of manning up I would have had SRS by now. I'm going to be disowned though when I do that. I get emotionally abused and called a ->-bleeped-<-got by mom all the time now. Yesterday she was like "eww it's disgusting that you like men. That's sick. Your disgusting." She literally tried to give me $500 to start dressing like a guy again and I need money bad and I said no and walked away.

So dresses are out. About boobs like I said I'm very lucky and have huge boobs. You can not miss them. You're in the UK though and in the USA it's a lot different. There are a lot of hateful people here. They got a real hate on.

Hopefully if someone was inclined to say something, they'll give you a pass on your determination alone.  At least, that's the kind of stuff I tell myself.

You're awesome! I always think the worst and it never comes.

[Joanna Dark]

Well if you are passing female then it is weirder to be using the men's room...

Idk I just started using the women's room when I went full time which was when I started presenting female. I didn't really have confidence in myself then in terms of passing but I never didn't pass and nobody ever gave me weird looks about it (actually when I would ask where the bathrooms are people would escort me in there so not much of a choice anyway) so there you go.

Yeah I was thinking about asking someone where the ladies room was or just the bathroom in general and see what they said. Also I am for all intents and purposes presenting as female. I wear tight, form-fitting tops, women's jeans, I carry a purse (it's a big purse and I thought it passed as a guy's bag until today when this woman commented on it and called me girl.) So I guess I'm full-time. And nobody gives me weird looks ever. Until today when using the men's room. That's the first time people stared at me. I should prob just do it. I def pass. (People here may not think so but when I was called sir today the bum corrected himself as soon as I looked at him and called me miss.) The only thing that worried me is beard shadow. It's not terrible and I can't grow hair anywhere other then my chin and lips but I see it and I'm really self conscious about it. But some women have PCOS so I don't think it is always a problem.

Once I get laser I don't think I'll ever pass as a man again. Heck I'm pretty hard on myself and even I thought I looked really feminine and maybe even pretty today. Guys certainly flirt with me all the time now. And that never happened before. Basically I'd rather use the women's room because, well, I'm a woman and I look like one, sound like one and walk like one and the thought of having to do male type things sicken me. As it would sicken any woman.

[Constance]

You're in the UK though and in the USA it's a lot different. There are a lot of hateful people here. They got a real hate on.

Actually, I'm not in the UK. I'm in San Mateo, CA, about half way between San Francisco and San Jose.

I'll be 44 in September and I hope I'll be able to have SRS before I'm 50. Part of why I pass when I do is probably related to the 2 years of laser I had on my face and neck. I still shave everywhere else.

Rejection due to transition is just awful, there's no two ways about it. I wasn't disowned, but I was divorced so I can relate to an extent.

[Joanna Dark]

I thought you were in the UK for some reason. I'm sorry lol maybe I just thought you were too sophistacted to be a yank lol hehe but they let you change your gender in CA without SRS. That's awesome. I want to move to Cali for several reasons. The people are so nice there. I had a business trip in 2005 right after I graduated to interview Dakota Fanning for the mommy section of this magazine I worked for. Yes they I thought I was the perfect person to write about mommy issues. I'm not kidding. They literally said that I am perfect for it. It was the main section I wrote for outside of fashion. And I went to the Viper room with my friend and she snuck in because she didn't want to pay and ironically it was ladies night so she would not have had to pay. And when I walked up to the bouncers they were like "hmm, close enough" i.e. I look like a woman. So that always made me happy but mainly everyone was soooo nice and it was so different then the east coast. Plus my friend would let me room with her if I did move out there. She really wants me too.

But that's my california story. Not sure what it has to do with the bathroom lol

[Ltl89]

First of all, don't worry about Dick Floyd the Tennessee Republican who threatened to stomp on transgender people in the bathroom.  He is an idiot and would never do such a thing in real life.  Also, you don't live in his state, so don't worry about him coming after you

Seriously, if you are passing so well, I doubt people would really think twice about you using the ladies room.  Even if you aren't wearing a dress and have a cap on, it really doesn't matter.  It's not like there is a bouncer at the door saying "girl what are you wearing".  People have different styles.  If you pass and your clothing is at least unisex, there really isn't much of an issue.  As for the beard shadow, it's not like people are going to stare intensely at your face as you enter the restroom.  If you manage it well, who is really going to notice?

However, I do understand your concern.  Luckily for me this will never be an issue.  I have a major phobia of public bathrooms and the uncleanliness of it all that I ensure to hold it in as best I can.  There are fewer places more disgusting than public men's rooms.   

[Misato]

There are fewer places more disgusting than public men's rooms.   

* Misato has flashback to the pee spotted dividers between urinals.

Gagh!  Then the floor!

And thanks for the "awesome" Joanna.

[Vicky]

I know this will sound goofy, but just make sure you have some "cue" item that you are wearing visible when you  go into the women's rest rooms.  A scarf on the neck or a necklace or pin on a coat, or even just lipstick, hair barret, or the like.  The list is pretty long, and a cute flower clipin hair bow takes you over the line.  It also is the proverbial string on your finger to remind you that you are now female. 

[MaidofOrleans]

I use the men's restroom in boy mode and the women's in girl mode.

Complicated stuff obviously.

[KayCeeDee]

I do the same as MaidofOrleans and haven't had any trouble. Sounds like you need to start using the girls room and not worry about it.

[Joanna Dark]

yeah I think I'll just do it. I always think of the worst possible thing that could happen and it never happens. I was going to do it today and I got scared people would stare at me or worse. Ironically that is what happened because I used the men's room. Transition is tough. And awesome!

[Rabbit]

Personally... I stick to legal.

I'm legally male still, so I use the male restroom. If anyone has a problem, I always have the law backing me up and I can flash my ID around all day "I'm really a boy, you got a problem with long hair?"  (It doesn't help that I haven't updated my ID picture since before transition... hehehehe, that has caused some hold-ups at airport checks ~_~ Always makes me laugh)..

Generally I just go in and out as fast as I can...I use the stalls... and try not to look at anyone ~_~ Still, some of the reactions can be pretty funny (like when a guy walks in and sees me, then freezes and leaves to check the sign again :3 bwa ha ha)

[Joanna Dark]

See the thing is the men's room where I live is full of homeless drug addicts and crazy people. So they scare me. As far as legal too my city is quickly becoming the trans capital of America and I doubt any police officer would want to harrass a trans women for fear of retribution from the mayor and LGBT community. the mayor and city council publicly support trans persons and all city employees now can get SRS free of charge. On the other hand, the legal argument does carry weight.