Transgender as a Lifestyle

[Maribeth12]

Hi everyone, I am not really sure if the title is fitting or not but I just wanted to give some my philosophies and insight on transgenders and my exploration of gender orientation. 

First I want to give you some background on my transgender feelings.  I started having transgender thoughts many years ago (a decade) when I was watching a cartoon show.  The premise of the particular episode of the cartoon was a female apocalypse. The apocalypse was based on a group of elitist girls who acquired a feminization ray gun that changed "evil" boys into "good" girls.  While the two part show ended with the defeat of the girls by a united band of boys and girls, I was instantly hooked on the thought of one gender becoming another.  Even at a very young age, I guess you would have called me an impressionable you lad, I knew for a fact that I had just opened a pandora's box that I may never close.  Following the introduction to counter assigned culture, I immediately took up the brave and courageous stance of being an anti feminization hero in an imaginary game my friend and I developed.

While this may suggest that I didn't feel like I was a girl trapped in a boy's body a strange phenomenon occurred.  During a particular adventure with my partner, we both had a strange desire to be "turned" and then force the other to join or save him.  I believe at one point we argued about which of us should become a girl and which one should not.  But following those feelings did not linger beyond the "battlefield." We probably imagined ourselves more as a Pokemon masters then as girls. (lol) 

Anyway as the years went by and we were playing our game the female thoughts started to grow.  I started to have dreams about being turned into a girl and while most of them would be me getting forced into being a girl, I began to thoroughly long for those dreams to return...

By the nature of  our age difference, I am the elder, I started to develop as a young man but I still continued to revisit our imaginary world with him.  In one particular day, we were playing in his brother's room and was laying on my stomach on futon and I felt a certain male organ become "hard." Having not had health class yet, I thought my body was "resisting" my forced feminization.  Which most of you probably know, the erectness is the product of desire not resentment...  Anyway, this continued a few times my friend outgrew the game.    

So I ended up reinstating a form of the imaginary world into my LEGO world that I had began to establish at a similar young age (still going strong) (Imagination is AWESOME... don't hate  )  I was again taking a role of being a man resisting the assimilation into being a girl. The antagonists this time where a group of magic/technology wielding girls that were hellbent on changing me in particular into a girl.  They were successful many times but I always seemed, much to their chagrin, to reboot my male self. 

Leaving my fantasy world, I was experiencing many pubic (pubic as in puberty in general) changes that all boys go through like acne and awkwardness and other things a lot of people go through (braces and glasses) my real world life was shattered.  I began an unhealthy phase of introvertiveness that I am still trying to claw my way out of and I felt a lot of woe is me moments. In one particular episode I was wishing I could go back to a time where I was happy, like when I played imaginary games (especially the girl games!) so I turned to my ONLY true friend the INTERNET! LOL JK JK #notJK JK JK LOL JK and typed in "desire to be a girl" into GOOGLE.  Now before I will reveal what I found, you must know that I thought I was the only one who had these feelings.  With that said, I stumbled on the BIG BAD word "Feminization." I was astounded at the existence of such a word for the change of man into a woman!

But here is where red flags started popping up for me.  I also typed in being forced into Feminization and that innocently led me down the sister path to transgender (evil step sister?)  Forced Feminization Hypnosis (or unforced) I instantly became hooked on the idea that I could actually live my fantasy of being forced into being a girl (So it was never REALLY forced).  However, I delved into a world of feminization eroticism.  In which, I very quickly rebounded away from this since I was going through a teenage rebellion from my sexual driven male cohorts that "abandoned me socially"

But I always viewed my female feelings as taboo for a long while because I felt that I should be "normal" and be like the other guys.  But I always became attracted to feminization (as I was still socially going no where) so I kept going back to feminization hypnosis regardless of my moral alignment. 

Anyway, I started to conquer many of the peripheral trials of my adolescence like braces and glasses (contacts FTW) but I also developed as a male and discovered the "M" world.  And I will describe a little bit about this but not too much (so no TMI [I hope]) But I never really discovered using my hand (ever) and I instantly gravitated to the need to having a pillow between my legs.  (which I read somewhere that would be a female way to masterbate [oops I said it!  ])

Immediately, due to my flourishing sense of religion and relationship with GOD, I associated feminization with sexual immorality so whenever I found myself wishing to be a girl.  This is where I feel the first shots were fired and the true rifts of gender dysphoria developed.  I was quickly torn between my desires to be a male and female.  (lust went to girls so I guess I sided with GOD and rebuked female desires)

But as we approach present day and the end of my highschool career and the effective end of a very hostile inner period of my life, I realize that all my feelings about being a girl and being different were more beneficial than being bad! Had I not had these girly desires, I would probs been more able to be "one of the guys" and would have eventually done many "sacreligious " things that guys do (Drink,Sex,Drugs etc etc) and I would of likely found no reason to develop a relationship with GOD.  (which is a BIG deal for me!) 

So almost over night, I became more accepting of myself and more forgiving for my (character flaws) and actually thought I could be happy with being a girl and not feel like I was doing something WRONG.  Let me back track a bit... one of the real reasons that I am here thinking about being a girl in earnest was me finding the more clinical side of feminization desires like transgender communities, video logs of transitions (MINORQBACK <3), and definitions for GID and Gender Dysphoria.  I realized that there were a lot of guys (and girls for that matter) out in the world who have varying degrees of desires to be a female (or male) and I really found myself identifying myself with THEM and think of all the times in which I experienced similar gender trials and feelings of being rejected by the society I was raised to be "part of"

I realize that it is probably wrong to subject myself to erotic feminization hypnosis but I do not feel like it has disqualified me from being trans (hypnosis doesn't really work if you truly don't want to "give in" like peer pressure doesn't work if you really don't want to "give in") But I definitely feel that I really have true female desires.  I am now more of accepting of my identification with the girls during sexual intercourse (the PG13 stuff since I am not a fan of porn)  I am happy to say that I hope to be married in a white wedding dress and hope to find the right guy and all but... conversely I think I could be happy as the typical man and be totally happy as well. 

This is where the title "Transgender as a Lifestyle" comes in... I DO NOT believe myself to be a woman trapped in a man's body.  I dont feel that way because I have a fairly clear understanding that I am a product of my time or past and that every experience I have endured (good or bad) has shaped me into the person I am today and that "hey I am pretty awesome!"  So this really slow but recent change of perspectives in my realization that I am exiting adolescence into another era, I have totally changed from being "dead to the world" and contemplating suicide for my sins and failure as a member of a very "join or die" childhood upbringing to realizing that I am "astoundingly good at being ME!" 

So as I try to transition this post from being ALL about me and ending the surprisingly LONG background I would say that I am less of a woman trapped in a male's body and more of a free "person" (end ambiguity phase!) who was trapped in a poor mental state of mind (basing my success as an individual totally on the society in which I was raised)

Going back to Transgender, I view my desires of being a woman as more as a lifestyle desire like a person would desire a certain career and explore/fantasize of being in that role.  And through my fantasies I truly think I could happier if I transition as a woman and I feel I could be very successful as a transexual because of the recent rise of self acceptance and its eclipse of my self hatred and feeling of social abandonment.  I feel no live or die desires to be a woman nor do I feel live or die desires to stay a man (it feels awesome) So my transition or exploration of transition will continue as more of a self exploration journey than a onesided crusade of salvation.  This is a big deal to me and I want to fit in with myself so I don't have a repeat of my past with self hatred because I fear thoughts of suicide may comeback with a vengeance but...

I want to close this post by asking you girls (and guys) who are part of this community who have felt that they are less disordered or genderaly displaced and have found themselves happier as the opposite gender based on their own inner desires.

And I will close by defending my experiences with feminization hypnosis (mainly from my deteriotating inferiority complex) by saying that if I discovered videos like Minorqback's videos (I Luv her) at the pivotal point in which I searched the worldwide web for a like minded community, I definitely feel that I would have identified as transgender in a stronger fashion than I have ever felt with feminization hypnosis and the DARKSIDE (eek!) but alas the past is the past and I am pretty happy with the product!

So anyway, feel free to post your experiences with trans development and other desires or react to the dysfunction of my journey (but don't react to hard since I am new to the whole Self acceptance thing"

Love Maribeth <3

be who YOU want to be not what THEY want you to be!!! Thats how we can truly assimilate to a society that is comprised of individuals!

[Joanna Dark]

This is a very, um, imaginative post. I don't think I am a woman trapped in a man's body either. I think it is much stronger then that. I am a woman who was born with the wrong parts. That is something I will correct. I think SRS should be called corrective surgery. But forced femininzation erotica is pretty big. Lots of people enjoy it. However, I am not sure if they transition. Are you sure transition is the right path? I don't like to argue but I certainly don't think this is a lifestyle for me. I don't want to be trans. At all. I tried to live as a guy and it just feels wrong. Nothing has ever felt more right then what I am doing now. I feel like I was liberated. I am liberated. Not only that but before I had an almost non-existent libido whereas now I think about being with guys all the time. I think I ma even going to try and try online dating. I know alot of people dont like ->-bleeped-<-s but I don't see what the problem is. If a guy wants to be with me and he doesn't care that  I am trans then whatevs. As long as he could love me for me is all that matters.

But the thing is you would be happy as a man? Perhaps you are more genderqueer then trans. And that's awesome. Nothing wrong with that. But you may want to seriously consider what transition means. But if you are on the border on whether you really want to live as a woman how would you feel about how are you going to feel when people treat you like a woman. Today this guy was giving me directions and I didn't even ask for them. There is a certain something you lose when you transtion and that is so-called male privilege. I never had male privelge and prob had one of the most female careers one could have outside of being a mom. In fact I hope to be a mom and want to adopt. Or get with a guy that has a child cause I love kids and would love to be a mommy. But I feel incredibly cheated that I can't give birth.  I guess what I am trying to say is that being trans isn't a lifestlye. being trans is. You just are trans you don't choose it.

But maybe you are kind of trying to suppress the fact you are trans because of your religious convictions. I myself think God wants me to transition. I believe in a loving God not a hateful one. I really loathe the idea of a vengeful God and think God does too. God isn't mean. God is great. How would you feel tomorrow if you woke up irreversibly as female and could never go back? I would love it. In fact I am pretty much achieving this right now. It is my life's work. I felt this way since I was five so you can imagine how thrilled I am that society finally treats me and looks at me like I am female. I hate being male. I loathe it. Nothing is worse. 

EDIT: And what I am about tell you is when I realized not only that I should transition but that I could: last year I was a t a bar with this older guy and I was felling down about my prospects and told him I should move to Nebraska and work on the oil fields. But I didn't know where I would live. And he said, just start dressing like a woman and you won't have to worry about where to live you will have no shortage of people who will want to live with you, i.e. he thought I would be better as a woman. I can't tell you how many people have said this to me. It's alot. But he was the first to tell me I would actually be pretty and could have a life. And it just clicked. A light went off and before where I thought I would be ostracized I know thought I could actually do it and that guys would like me. And here i am. So this is my story. Don't know if it helps but it is the story of one trans girl who just wants nothing more then to be pretty and loved.

[Theo]

I second Joanna's comment on maybe thinking a bit about possibly being genderqueer, but would add that bi-gender could also be considered a possibility. In this context, I guess one of the more interesting questions to ask yourself is how you feel about androgyny, i.e. is it the contrasting switch between male and female that occupies your thoughts, or is the concept of gender less absolute than that. If the latter, you could also try simply presenting androgynous prior to thinking of a full transition. The gravity of a full transition is not to be taken lightly, so exploring other paths that carry much fewer consequences should definitely be part of the equation.

[Jennygirl]

This is a cool post. Thanks, Maribeth, for opening up to us and sharing You are a really talented writer, and your post was a pleasure to read!

I think you should consider "trying a few things on for size" and see how it feels to you. What I'm getting at here is maybe incorporating some feminine traits into your day to day presentation in society.

Presentation is (in my opinion) a great arena to learn about yourself because not only are there SO many aspects of feminization, a lot of them don't require a full commitment to transitioning and are so subtle that nobody will even notice. But you will notice... and it may help you realize if you want the whole nine yards. Or you can stop short and be happy wherever. Very exploratory stuff!

Ultimately, transgendered people make full transitions to be seen as their chosen genders by others. It's easy to know how we identify. We know it. Duh. But the real money is having society recognize us as we see ourselves on the inside. It's a beautiful thing called mirroring.

Check out this really amazing article on the development of transsexualism. It may help you figure out where you stand. It sure helped me a lot, and it explains the whole mirroring thing during the intro
http://web.uvic.ca/~ahdevor/14StagesBLOCK.pdf

Anyway, back to the fun stuff. Well I guess it's all kinda fun, huh? Figuring yourself out?
You could start with things as simple as posture, or even try wearing a different style of clothing that is more androgynous... Or you could start growing your hair out. There are tons of things, and I know you are already keen on google- so I don't need to sit here listing the hundreds of feminization options out there for you Maybe try something very subtle out and see if you like it?

[Jennygirl]

Oh and I forgot to add...

I totally relate to you about being happy as a questioning person or "male". I loved my life before transition and I love my life now... But I have to say: life is way better now.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being happy now as you are. It's not like you have to be upset with yourself for transition to make sense. There are no rules.

Just have fun with it! Explore explore explore and keep tabs on your smiling habits

[Maribeth12]

Oh wow! thanks for all replies! at first I was nervous about how people would react but now I am glad I came back to check!

Presentation is (in my opinion) a great arena to learn about yourself because not only are there SO many aspects of feminization, a lot of them don't require a full commitment to transitioning and are so subtle that nobody will even notice. But you will notice... and it may help you realize if you want the whole nine yards. Or you can stop short and be happy wherever. Very exploratory stuff!

OOOh I actually tried this on a whim yesterday without even thinking about it!  I secretly borrowed one of my mother's bra's and wore it around for a long period of time yesterday even to a math exam, in which I nailed by the way!  Of course I had a very concealing sweatshirt on so no one would notice.  Anyway it felt GREAT! It did cause a little "excitement" but just having it on and feeling the confort the bra hugging me felt wonderful!  UGH! I miss wearing a bra already.  I might get a chance next week. Honestly, I really would enjoy to wear a bra for the rest of my life.

Anyway, back to the fun stuff. Well I guess it's all kinda fun, huh? Figuring yourself out?

Definitely, it is fun.  I kind of feel like I haven't been passing at all as myself for 19 years.  So I guess I haven't given myself a chance figure myself since I have been condemning myself for my perceived faults... BUT as I have liberated myself from those I can really, really appreciate the feminine feelings I have had over the years. Once I do figure myself more, I believe I could "pass" as anyone or gender I choose to be! Because I have gotten used to hiding myself from the rest of the world that passing as a woman should be pretty easy to get the hang of after a while.

But if you are on the border on whether you really want to live as a woman how would you feel about how are you going to feel when people treat you like a woman. Today this guy was giving me directions and I didn't even ask for them. There is a certain something you lose when you transtion and that is so-called male privilege. I never had male privelge and prob had one of the most female careers one could have outside of being a mom.

I would be okay with losing some male privileges.  As I probably hinted to earlier, I have a lot more "privileges" that I have for just being me that I have not been aware off.  Like, I have been at school for most of my life... I have been told that in order to not be a failure... I have to get good grades.  Actually, I have been told that in multiple specific classes who the teachers have tried to convince me that their class is the most important (a ploy to curb senioritis?) So for majority of my life, I have been living under the impression that I will not be successful if I don't live up to others expectations.  This perception of the meaning of my life was what caused me to contemplate suicide because I perceived myself as a failure because I could not live to everyone's expectations.  Now, I believe that I am successful because I am the best person alive at being "me" so everyday I live I am getting better at "being" me.  I was living my life like I lacked any privilege to be me because I was required to always be someone else in order to please others.  But, now I feel more privileged to be me and question who I am and WANT to be.

So to bring it back to gender: I have been living my life like I had to live by the gender that I was born as so I have been torturing myself (mentally, thankfully I have never done anything physical to myself) for having thoughts about being a girl because it broke my meta-narrative or did not fit into how I was raised.  So now I am finally opening up to my thoughts about being a girl and trying girly things like bra's and sitting to be trying to envision myself as a woman for the rest of my life.  And hey, I believe I could be happy and have fun as a woman 

Also as a woman I could have a lot of privileges that guys are supposed to! Like getting makeovers at salons or going to the spa and just being feminine.  I cannot tell you how hard it was to ignore a woman getting made-over at the salon in which I was getting my hair cut at! 

And being a mom, honestly, would be the best job in the world! I would also be content with adopting because I learned my babysitter adopted her children and I always looked up to her as role model... I guess.

But maybe you are kind of trying to suppress the fact you are trans because of your religious convictions. I myself think God wants me to transition. I believe in a loving God not a hateful one. I really loathe the idea of a vengeful God and think God does too. God isn't mean. God is great. How would you feel tomorrow if you woke up irreversibly as female and could never go back? I would love it. In fact I am pretty much achieving this right now. It is my life's work. I felt this way since I was five so you can imagine how thrilled I am that society finally treats me and looks at me like I am female. I hate being male. I loathe it. Nothing is worse. 

Oh I have made a lot of prayers to God about being turned into a girl. I really wish I or someone else had the power to transform me into a girl, I have had those for a long time... I guess thats another reason I gravitated to feminization hypnosis.  I wanted to just be turned into a girl by listening to a cheap voice sensitized recording on youtube.  And if someone tried to blast me with a "feminization ray" I really don't think I would stop them. 

I also have a burning question: is it wrong to look at the opposite sex not with attraction but with jealously for being the opposite sex? I have not been in many relationships and probably been to insecure to start them, but when I see a girl at school I don't feel attracted to them I just wish I could be them.  Yes, I can tell if a girl is "attractive" or "good looking" but honestly the more "good looking" the girls are, the more I wish I could switch bodies with them. 

by the way could you do a favor for me and go to sleep with your pajamas inside out and maybe put a bra under your pillow so I can maybe wake up transformed into a girl? Like teacher's tell students to wear pajamas inside out and put snow flakes under pillows in order to generate good luck for a snow day?

Jeez, being completely female for a day would DEF help me figure things out!

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being happy now as you are. It's not like you have to be upset with yourself for transition to make sense. There are no rules.

Before I post this, I wanna say that when I first let my parents know that I am considering transitioning, they told me that they did not care what gender I was as long as I was happy... and that made me happy 

Anyway, As Aways!

I love this sight and I love you guys (girls!)
Love, Maribeth <3

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will. - Roman's 12:2 

There have been a lot of things slowly coaxing me to reach this point of nonconforming, this verse have been especially responsible for leading me to this point.  Maybe God was answering my prayer's after all!

[Joanna Dark]

Jeez, being completely female for a day would DEF help me figure things out!

Well that is kind of a requirement to get SRS, if that's what you want. But being a non-op is just as a valid choice as being post-op. However, without knowing how you look it is very hard to say how passable you will be. For some people this does not matter. And I have the greatest respect for my trans sisters that don't pass but still transition. However, not everyone is that strong. There are a lot of things that help one pass but it may not be as easy as you think. Some people pass easily. Some people not so much. I am in an inbetween phase as I pass about 90 percent of the time but not always. I have only been on HRT for three months though. I am pretty privileged that I am passing in so little time. In fact I went to the bank today and the teller was looking at my ID and was like you are [name]/ Finally she was like yeah I see it after a couple minutes and was like don't worry you can change your ID soon sweetie.

She prob knew I was trans since I look pretty femme  and as soon as I get laser I most likely will not pass as a guy ever again. I'm almost there now apparently. How would you feel about that? There is a point of no return. For me I have never been more happy and never thought I would be this happy and content and calm. Never passing as a guy again is the quite simply an amazing feeling. I can't wait to get SRS as I have genital dysphoria and that would be the cat's meow lol and the thought that I am actually doing this and in a couple of years will have a vag make me cry in the happiest way possible.