Sleeping with people who don't know you're trans...

[Isabelle]

Being single and a little bit prone to partying, this has happened to me a few times now, I'm of the opinion that i dont pass so, this surprises me somewhat.  how are you supposed to know if people know?

[Ltl89]

I think the only way you can be certain they know is if you were to tell them.  Honestly, if you are living full time as a woman and have gone through SRS, it is very likely that many people don't know or suspect anything.

If you don't want to tell them before being intimate, that is absolutely your right as no one has to know your private medical information.  However, I personally could not avoid telling someone if I was going to sleep with them.  While I am not at that point yet, I would feel the need to disclose it to any partner that I might become serious with.  I think it makes things better in so many different ways and I couldn't go forward otherwise.  Besides, it also might be safer because some guys might freak out if they were to find out afterwards.

[Lucid]

You could try to "drop a hint" if you felt the need.  It's likely that if they know, they'll pick up on the hint.  As Learningtolive said, it's completely up to you whether or not you tell them yourself.

Personally, however, I wouldn't even think of sleeping with someone who had a problem with trans folk.

[Horizon]

Personally, however, I wouldn't even think of sleeping with someone who had a problem with trans folk.

^This!

Sometimes, I allow myself to make the mistake of worrying whether people will accept me or not.  Then, I immediately realize I wouldn't want to be friends with bigots, anyway.

[Jamie D]

Being single and a little bit prone to partying, this has happened to me a few times now, I'm of the opinion that i dont pass so, this surprises me somewhat.  how are you supposed to know if people know?

Your premise is badly flawed!

[MariaMx]

I have no compunction about not telling before sex. I know a lot of people think we should or think we are obligated to disclose. I used to think this myself too once, but now a decade after transition I never tell anyone anymore. In fact I feel very uncomfortable being around people that know unless they are close family or the closest of friends.

It's not necessarily super bad that a potential partner knows, but it's often super annoying when they do. Even though a lot of people are okay with it once those panties come off they often tend to mistake my genitalia for the most mysterious artifact ever to be on display at the Ripley's Believe  It or Not! museum. I hate that. Having sex with people that don't know feels much better to me because they don't say or do any of the stupid things those who knows tend to say/do, and I get enjoy the experience without being weirded out by a poking and prodding amateur gynecologist with a mystified expression on his face.

[JennX]

I've dated quite a few guys that didn't know I was trans... but I've never gotten in to bed with any man or women that didn't know my history upfront. Doing otherwise could result in a very negative outcome. I always waited until the third date, or sooner, if I thought things were going in to the romantic realm.

[Seyranna]

Even after GRS I don't think I could sleep with someone who doesn't know about me. The whole experience would be more stressful than anything because contrary to popular belief you can actually tell a neo vagina from a natal one... However, since girls are more accepting and less bigoted than men since they are less insecure I could potentially refrain from telling it to her if things escalate fast enough. If I was into guys though I would NEVER sleep with a man who doesn't know it's much too dangerous since men are much more impulsive and violent.

[Just Shelly]

I have no compunction about not telling before sex. I know a lot of people think we should or think we are obligated to disclose. I used to think this myself too once, but now a decade after transition I never tell anyone anymore. In fact I feel very uncomfortable being around people that know unless they are close family or the closest of friends.

It's not necessarily super bad that a potential partner knows, but it's often super annoying when they do. Even though a lot of people are okay with it once those panties come off they often tend to mistake my genitalia for the most mysterious artifact ever to be on display at the Ripley's Believe  It or Not! museum. I hate that. Having sex with people that don't know feels much better to me because they don't say or do any of the stupid things those who knows tend to say/do, and I get enjoy the experience without being weirded out by a poking and prodding amateur gynecologist with a mystified expression on his face.

I too don't tell anyone about mt trans status unless it needs be.....I think this is DEFINATLY one of those cases!! I wouldn't even touch or be touched without the other person knowing.

I'm taking it your not having traditional heterosexual sex...I can't imagine someone not being able to tell the difference between an anus and a vagina....I surly don't think anyone would mistake a penis for a vagina!!

Put yourself in their place!! they are with a woman that has not said she was anything other...what do they expect!! I could say the same thing if I was a lesbian and dating a woman...if it got to the point of intimacy and found out she had a penis I would like to of known this prior...even though I am much more excepting of people in this situation.

I have been on dates with men and I feel bad even going out on a date without being upfront but I want to be "or not be" judged by who I am not by what I am.

[Catherine Sarah]

Hi Isabelle,

.........how are you supposed to know if people know?

It is quite simple. Ask them.

" Am I the "typical girl next door type," to you, or what. How do you see me? "

My question is; why does it surprise you, that you think you don't pass?

Be safe, well and happy
Huggs
Catherine

[Nicolette]

I'm taking it your not having traditional heterosexual sex...I can't imagine someone not being able to tell the difference between an anus and a vagina....I surly don't think anyone would mistake a penis for a vagina!!

Shelly, how are you making this presumption? MariaMx is post-op and presumably the sex is traditional heterosexual sex.

How the OP, pre-op, gets away with this is another matter.

[Just Shelly]

Shelly, how are you making this presumption? MariaMx is post-op and presumably the sex is traditional heterosexual sex.

How the OP, pre-op, gets away with this is another matter.

I assumed both were pre-op with what information they gave!!

Why does MariaMx consider her genitals something of a mysterious artifact from Ripley's Believe it or not then.  I know if I was post-op I wouldn't consider mine that!

[Renee]

Why does MariaMx consider her genitals something of a mysterious artifact from Ripley's Believe it or not then.  I know if I was post-op I wouldn't consider mine that!

I believe she is referring to how someone would start looking really hard to find differences and such if they know she has a trans history before sex.

[Seyranna]

You cannot sleep with someone without them knowing you're trans as pre/non-OP... I thought It was obvious that she meant post-OP.

[Just Shelly]

well....she said she thought she doesn't pass! I don't know I took it she was pre-op then!

I would think someone that is post-op would be over the point of being concerned or worried about passing.

Again I can only assume this, as can you!

[Nicolette]

I'll have what you're having. 

well....she said she thought she doesn't pass! I don't know I took it she was pre-op then!

It is Isabelle (OP), who is pre-op, who thinks she may not pass.

I would think someone that is post-op would be over the point of being concerned or worried about passing.

I don't believe MariaMx, who is post-op, has too many personally worries about passing. She simply hates guys treating her as a curiosity when they are told she is a post-op transwoman. I would hate that too.

[DrBobbi]

Thanks to Jamie D I'm going to give this another try.

With respect to postop's the primary issue isn't "passing," but their perceptions to self. Essentially, more often than not, If you're comfortable in your own skin, others will be as well. It's all about attitude.

Ten years ago I spent an hour with Dr. Eric Vilain, M.D., PhD, one the world's top geneticists who told me gender dysmorphia was a genetic based disorder, not unlike like heart disease. Therefore, as I'm treated for my genetic disorder with HRT, to be followed by SRS, I don't believe I'm obligated to tell casual partners about my medical history? My medical treatment history is a private matter between me and my doctor. However, should the relationship become serious, and by that I mean a live-in love relationship, or marriage, I would have the talk. Not because of some misplaced form of ethics, but in case of illness or injury.

To often in these pages I read between the lines and hear fear, pain, and in some cases, self-loathing. For me those days are my permanent past and I will no go back to that life. I didn't initiate aggressive HRT to hide. I did it to fix a genetic disorder of the brain and expect to make a full recovery...A pair of Jimmy Choo's would be nice. too!

[Ltl89]

Thanks to Jamie D I'm going to give this another try.

With respect to postop's the primary issue isn't "passing," but their perceptions to self. Essentially, more often than not, If you're comfortable in your own skin, others will be as well. It's all about attitude.

Ten years ago I spent an hour with Dr. Eric Vilain, M.D., PhD, one the world's top geneticists who told me gender dysmorphia was a genetic based disorder, not unlike like heart disease. Therefore, as I'm treated for my genetic disorder with HRT, to be followed by SRS, I don't believe I'm obligated to tell casual partners about my medical history? My medical treatment history is a private matter between me and my doctor. However, should the relationship become serious, and by that I mean a live-in love relationship, or marriage, I would have the talk. Not because of some misplaced form of ethics, but in case of illness or injury.

To often in these pages I read between the lines and hear fear, pain, and in some cases, self-loathing. For me those days are my permanent past and I will no go back to that life. I didn't initiate aggressive HRT to hide. I did it to fix a genetic disorder of the brain and expect to make a full recovery...A pair of Jimmy Choo's would be nice. too!

I agree with the fact that you don't have to share your medical history; however, I think you put yourself at risk if you don't.  If a guy was to find out about your status after the fact, it could lead to safety issues.  Let's face it, violence against trans people is not uncommon.  Even if he wouldn't react violently, he may feel betrayed that you kept the information from him until that point.  Most men would like to know before they get intimate and may not be accepting if you tell them afterwards.  Lastly, I have no shame in who I am, but if I'm going to be intimate with someone then that means that the relationship is getting to a serious point.  Personally, I feel the best relationships are ones built on trust.  I can't help but feel my partner would deserve to know.

I imagine the scenarios would be a bit different in a lesbian relationship, but there would still be some of the same consequences.

[suzifrommd]

If a guy was to find out about your status after the fact, it could lead to safety issues.

Is it the problem that the guy finds out after the fact? Or is it the problem that you're sleeping with a violent guy that thinks it's ok to hurt people when he's unhappy?

[Ltl89]

Is it the problem that the guy finds out after the fact? Or is it the problem that you're sleeping with a violent guy that thinks it's ok to hurt people when he's unhappy?

I get your point Suzi and agree with your feelings. Still, let's not kid ourselves.  There are lots of people that have reacted towards us with violence. And it's hard to know the inner thoughts of every single person until you see verbally hear there thoughts on trans people. There are plenty of seemingly nice guys who end being violent jerks. Why take the chance and put yourself at risk?  Personally, I wouldn't want to sleep with someone who would be disgusted about who I am. That's why I would tell him before hand.  I don't judge anyone who wants to keep it private.  It's their right.  I just fear it could create future problems.