who am I?

[Mac]

I'm not sure I'd be considered FTM but I guess it's the way I feel most of the time. I do have, however, an internal conflict because I'm more emotional than guys usuall are and I do have strong maternal instincts. I went through a lot in life, from insisting on being a boy in childhood through living as a hetero woman while denying my male tendencies and my attraction to women, to living that life behind and starting a new page with a woman, whom I love and that loves me as I truly am. Now I dress as I always wanted- men's clothes, wear a short male haircut, behave as I naturally do (mostly like a more sensitive guy), though when people look at me they either see me as a butch lesbian woman or they get confused as to which gender i belong to, since I present myself male but my face is more feminine.
Thing is I feel like a guy most of the time but every now and then a more feminine side of me comes out and then it turns into sort of a battle of wills- the masculine side wants to pass as male and dreams of having a masculine body but settles on doing whatever he can without transition to be taken as a guy,  while the feminine side resists thoughts of physical changes and wishes at times to  be a woman like any other (i must say that this happens on pretty rare occasions).
I used to think I might be Bigender but I talked to quite a few and saw a clear difference- they have a man and a woman inside them and each is distinctly different in thoughts, looks and behavior, while for me it's sort of a mix between the two with a stronger tendency toward masculinity. I'm the same person as a man and a woman,  and I mostly feel ok with it.
I feel very comfortable and it's very natural to me to look more like a guy (both when I feel masculine and when I feel more feminine) while it was always very uncomfortable and even unbearable for me when i had to present as a woman (always wished for shorter haircut,  hated women's clothes and make-up, never wore dresses or skirts, hated my female body most of the time).
From Bigender, I went to thinking Genderqueer, but after being on several forums for GQ I'm not sure because while the others I met feel like both a man and a woman or neither, and they somehow go between the two, ever since I can remember myself I have always felt more like a boy than a girl and with each feminine thought or behavior I had, I felt very uncomfortable...which brought the guy side in me out even more.
Trying to figure out who I am is driving me nuts!
I never felt like I completely belong to any place- not 100% man and definitely not fully a woman (maybe 10% is woman but that's enough to keep me from taking hormones and transitioning)
My question is- did any of you feel this way or you just KNEW that you're 100% man inside a female body?

[chuck]

Hi there .

I identify as male. I just want to encourage you to embrace your feminine side without seeing it as somehow harmful to your male side. I ride a Motorcycle, lift weights and then go home and snuggle my cute fluffy kitty. I am also ver sensitive and intuitive. Maybe even maternal. I love kids (though much less lately) and will say that a baby is cute without thinking twice. But no one would ever question my manhood for it. I am bulky with a huge beard and a deep voice. No one would ever question what is in my pants just because i swerve to avoid hitting butterflies when im driving.

For me, having uber masculine qualities "makes up" for any insecurities i have about being feminine. The super manly things i do are for no other reason than that I enjoy them. I dont have to lift weights or ride a bike to feel like a man, but I just like those things. I think we all find a way to balance things out. I hope that gave you some insight.

[DriftingCrow]

My question is- did any of you feel this way or you just KNEW that you're 100% man inside a female body?

I think Chuck has some good advice. I felt the same way, and I guess still do somewhat since I am not 100% sure if I want to transition, and went through an uber-masculine phase years ago when I was presenting male at times. I think sometimes FTMs don't quite fall into all the male categories because we weren't conditioned to dislike certain things that MAAB people do. I have a lot of "manly" things I do or am interested in, and yet I also have the fem things that I like (like knitting!  ).

There was also some things that I thought were fem but it seems that more and more men (even "manly" men) are interested in. Like, I used to think Pomeranians (I am on my second Pom now) were dogs that girls were more interested in since they're cute, little, fluffy, and are often associated with Queen Victoria, but then one of the maintenance guys at the apartment I lived in (he was the big, masculine, Cuban guy) got all excited when he saw me walking my dog one day, came over to see her, and then brought his 3 Poms in the next day to show me, lol.

I think it's kind of hard to tell if there's a male and female inside of someone or just a male, I guess it just takes some time. Have you spoken with a gender therapist yet? I haven't but I've heard they can be helpful.

[Mac]

Thank you both, chuck and LearnedHand for your replies. It definitely helps to hear other guys' perspectives on these things.
Chuck- I don't really see my feminine side as harmful and usually I'm just me- a more sensitive, intuitive and maybe emotional guy. That's how I feel in a nut shell (even living as a feminine woman all those years I always felt and saw myself like that and since I couldn't tell that to anyone, I just said I'm a strong tomboy type when asked about my behavior). Anyway, knowing that other FTMs too have some feminine traits does help a lot.
I guess the more I think about it, the more I identify as a non-op FTM (if there's even such a thing).
LearnedHand- no I never went to a gender therapist but I have talked in the past to my therapist about some of my feelings and her take on it was that I'm a transgendered man (back then I didn't let myself even consider it but over time it came up enough times to make me start this journey of self discovery).

Thanks again!

[desperate believer]

When I told my family I wanted to transition my uncle started saying things like: "if you're going to be a man then you have to stop being afraid of bugs, you have to stop being afraid of chainsaws, you're going to be an awefully short guy, your shoulders aren't broad enough, I don't see why you want to start hormones if you can't afford a penis". I wanted to slap the ->-bleeped-<- out of him. No I do not have to pretend to be some macho man. I had already explained to him that all I was interested in changing was my body rather than my personality. Even with my female body I still consider myself to be fully male. I'm just a guy in a woman's body. I don't associate personality traits as being feminine or masculine. ~hope

[Keira]

Mac, I know how you feel.

It's sort of like you want to label yourself as transsexual, but you can't because of the many little things that don't match the typical narratives. Truth be told, you can.

As a trans girl I can still be somewhat masculine, but I identify stronger as female. I just call myself non-binary and non-op. Im perfectly fine with being a "chick with a d*ck". But my lower parts don't automatically "make me a man", nor do they "make me less of a woman".

I'm also going to start dressing more fem-androgynous, no skirts or dresses for me! I might wear a skirt or a dress in the near future, but not very often.

The reason I call myself non-binary is because it is a broad term, and because I don't fit in the binary Im "non-binary". I also have a friend who is an effeminate gay ftm, so it is more common than you think.

-Skye

[Sir Real]

No one is going to be the same on the gender spectrum. I have a lot of qualities that are masculine, feminine, and in-between too but I identify as a man.  The point is, what makes the difference is how you identify inside.  There's gender identity and then gender expression - they can contradict even.  Someone can identify as a man and have feminine expression all the way to identifying as a man and having masculine expression, but I think most fall somewhere in-between. Gender expression is a social thing. And it can fluctuate in a person over time too.  Doesn't make one any more or less of a man.  Non-op is a route many people go too. 

[Mac]

Thank you all for your replies and thoughts. It was interesting to read your views about it and yes,you are right when you say that certain traits that I call "feminine traits" don't really affect the way I identify. I guess I needed to hear that in order to accept. I do see myself as a man in a female body, just as I saw myself as a boy in a girl's body when i was a kid. I just need to come to terms with it, since it's kinda new to me (living in denial for almost 30 years and then finally realizing it has been sort of a shock).
Thanks again.
By the way what would be the actual difference between Transgender and Transsexual? (sorry for my ignorance. as I said- all pretty new to me).

[Liminal Stranger]

I'll give my understanding of it, anyone can correct me if I really mess something up

Transgender is what we call an "umbrella term"- it literally means you transcend gender lines as opposed to the ones set down by your assigned sex at birth. A genderqueer, netrois, bigender, trigender, pangender, agender, transmaculine, transfeminine or other non-binary person could call themselves transgender, for example, as could a transsexual. Transsexuals "transcend sex", identifying as one gender or the other that happens to not be congruent with their body. They, in most cases, express a desire to undergo a permanent transition via HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and GRS (gender reassignment surgery, also called SRS or sex reassignment surgery). Some individuals called non-ops do not or cannot undergo surgical transition, whether for personal or health reasons (or in some cases, financial circumstances that cannot change at that time).

You don't have to be transsexual to be transgender, just the way not every rectangle is a square, but all squares are rectangles. We're one big happy quadrangle family here 

Welcome to Susan's!

[Simon]

By the way what would be the actual difference between Transgender and Transsexual?

Transgender is an umbrella term that includes Transsexuals, Gender Queer, ->-bleeped-<-s, Intersexed, etc. Transsexual is specifically those who are transitioning to the sex that they were not identified at after birth. All transsexuals are transgender, but not all those who are transgender are transsexual.

As far as your original post, you just gotta be you. There are so many different variations of masculinity and femininity in the world. Our likes, dislikes, and actions really have no basis on our gender identity. I identify as binary and am masculine for the most part but anyone who truly knows me would say I'm a big ol' teddy bear.

I think a lot of the times (especially before T) it's hard for a lot of guys to be relaxed about things. They try so hard to pass that they take on certain masculine traits/mannerisms just to be seen as male in society. Don't let society dictate who you are or who you'll become.

*Just seen Max answered the Transgender/Transsexual question while I was typing this, but leaving my answer in anyways, lol.

[Contravene]

Trying to figure out who I am is driving me nuts!

I understand how you feel. Figuring yourself out is always a process but it never ends, you always grow and learn more about yourself.

When I first suspected that I was transgender I was very confused because I always knew that I disliked being female yet I knew that I had a lot of feminine personality traits that I liked about myself. Then when I considered transitioning I was even more confused. I was afraid that if I transitioned I would be killing off my feminine side and I didn't like that. I wanted to be seen and treated as a male but I didn't want to completely lose that feminine side of myself.

It took me a long time to realize that when I transition I'm not going to lose my feminine qualities though, they'll still be there but they won't overshadow my identity as a male anymore as they do now. I'll get to have the male body I've always longed for but I'll still be able to squee at kittens and I'll even finally be confident enough in my masculinity to do so.

I don't think you should worry about your masculine and feminine traits clashing, you should embrace them equally as being a part of what makes you who you are. That's what I did and why I'm planning to transition.

Everyone has both masculine and feminine qualities but I think that sometimes trans people tend to separate them rather than seeing them as two equal parts of one whole personality.

[Edge]

I guess the more I think about it, the more I identify as a non-op FTM (if there's even such a thing).

Yes, there is.
I agree with what the others said.
I also started out thinking I was genderfluid/bigender. I spent awhile writing down my observations on how I felt and identified on a day to day basis and it really helped me.

[Jack_M]

You are who you are.  Women aren't all 100% feminine and men aren't all 100% masculine.  It's more that we're walking a path where we can dip in and out of both.  The issue a lot of people have with being transgender is identifying what's acceptable and what's not but at the end of the day we are who we are and if we like something that's more feminine than masculine, that's okay, and vice versa.

Sometimes, like desperate believer points out, transgender individuals are held to a higher level of masculinity or femininity than their cis counterparts almost as a justification for others of how they have to behave to justify their transition.  But we don't live in a time like that now. 

Here's one to think about, Kiefer Sutherland is actually quite effeminate; just this often overly nice, sweet guy.  But he plays Jack Bauer on 24; a guy that many masculine men look up to and want to be.  But let's even have a wee look at Jack Bauer himself; he cries, A LOT!  Jack Bauer will lay down his life for the love he has for his daughter.  Jack Bauer has a sensitive side as well as his hard-ass persona and is played by a bordedline camp dude (watch a few interviews and you might see what I'm getting at here).  I've actually had the insane pleasure of working with Kiefer before, it's just an observation he doesn't deny himself.

When you look at Jack Bauer and Kiefer Sutherland, neither are "100% masculine", Bauer has more masculine traits, sure, but look how he is about his daughter and how many times she's brought him to tears.  And Kiefer is way less masculine in real life.

There are many effeminate men who are happy as men.  There are many butch females who are happy being female.  And neither traits even determine sexual orientation, I know an effeminate guy and a butch female who are both straight and married!  That's just the kind of world we live in these days, some girls like sensitive guys, and some guys like more masculine.  Perhaps as a way to share more in common.

So when it comes to wondering if you're masculine enough or if the feminine traits stop you from being FTM transgender, it shouldn't.  However, YOU are who YOU are and the only question really is whether you want to actually go so far as HRT or surgery.  And this means you have to actually look inside yourself, and talk it out with a therapist if you can, to see if you actually have to go so far as to become a physical guy to be happy.  Only YOU can answer this one.  I also wouldn't even go so far as to say genderqueer = 50/50 mix.  I know a couple personally and they definitely lean more one way than the other but not enough that way to consider changing gender.  You can also be transgender and not go for HRT or surgery and just be happy and left able to essentially switch it on/off as you please.  If that feminine side comes out and wants to appear feminine, you have that option. 

Essentially at the end of the day what my opinion is is that you don't have to be 100% masculine to be transgender, however, beyond that if you're looking at HRT and surgery, that's permanent changes that you can't always go back on.  So you don't have to be 100% masculine to go for these changes but you should be 100% sure you want the changes.  That's on your plate now and we can't actually tell you if that's right for you or not.  But rest assured if you think this is for you, you will go through many stages before HRT and surgery is even an option, so you will have the chance to discover if it's for you or not.

The best advice would be to actually talk to someone professionally about it.  Don't be scared about being pushed into HRT or being considered less transgender because you're unsure of yourself.  By talking it out you'll be better placed to discover what path you're on.

[Simon]

There are many effeminate men who are happy as men.  There are many butch females who are happy being female.  And neither traits even determine sexual orientation, I know an effeminate guy and a butch female who are both straight and married!

Jack, that was a great explanation and very true. Heck, I've got a nurse at my Hospital that I swore was either in or about to be in transition. She has a goatee she doesn't bother to shave off. Then she talked to me about her children and her husband! I have learned over the years that you can not judge people by any outward appearance. It's a good thing that we are deeper than the sum of our parts.

On a side note, I've been a fan of Kiefer Sutherland since seeing him in "Lost Boys" and "Young Guns" as a child. Always took him as a masculine type. That's kinda neat to know.