acting like a woman/update

[Bookworm]

This is not just for ftm even though the title says as much. I was wondering if anybody finds it hard to behave and act like the gender your mind says you are. I know for me I have hid those parts of me so tight that even I have a hard time finding them again. I feel like I have buried the feminine part of me and I don't even know if it is still there. I mean I have had the thoughts of wishing I was female and wanting to be in feminine clothes, but when I try to act feminine it kind of feels like a lie. Has anybody else had these feelings? I feel like sometimes I just act male because it is easier. For trans people is it hard to behave and act female/male or is it more of just that is the way your are?

As for the update. I have been asking questions trying to integrate more female mannerisms when I talk to the two friends I am out too. I think I am driving them nuts. I know I have always been a little clingy and insecure. I think part of my problem is I want to act female and to be perceived that way that I want to talk to the people that make me feel that way. I feel like I am grabbing on to my friends and I don't want to let go.

None of this has been helped by the fact that I have been under a lot of stress lately. I don't know what is going on with me.

[Anna++]

This is not just for ftm even though the title says as much. I was wondering if anybody finds it hard to behave and act like the gender your mind says you are. I know for me I have hid those parts of me so tight that even I have a hard time finding them again. I feel like I have buried the feminine part of me and I don't even know if it is still there. I mean I have had the thoughts of wishing I was female and wanting to be in feminine clothes, but when I try to act feminine it kind of feels like a lie. Has anybody else had these feelings? I feel like sometimes I just act male because it is easier. For trans people is it hard to behave and act female/male or is it more of just that is the way your are?

Of course.  I tried really, really hard to be a guy for 24 years so it's only natural that there would be some old habits that need to be broken.  Some parts of being a girl is learned behavior, maybe the problem is that you're trying to do too much at once?  Rather than starting out trying to have a 100% feminine presentation, maybe just focus on one or two smaller things and then add in more as you feel comfortable.

None of this has been helped by the fact that I have been under a lot of stress lately. I don't know what is going on with me.

* hug *   I hope whatever is stressing you out gets resolved soon!  Don't worry, life gets better

[Lyric]

I was wondering if anybody finds it hard to behave and act like the gender your mind says you are.

Your question reminds me of a common phenom I see that I can only call transgender conservatism. You're basically stereotyping all women. Real women behave many different ways and I think most would be insulted by such narrow mindedness. It's pretty clear that you have a mental picture of a female stereotype and you want to be like that. If that's what you want, perhaps you need acting lessons. However, I could introduce you to plenty of very real women who are nothing like that.

I don't mean to offend, but to make the point that I believe you are looking at this from a flawed perspective. Do you want to "act like" or portray someone else or be more of who you really are? My guess is the latter. I think your focus should be less about how to act and more about being who you feel. To suddenly (and obviously) start acting like a female caricature is certainly going to seem artificial to those around you. You've been a particular person who've acted in particular ways for a long time.  Instead of abandoning that, I think you'd serve yourself much better by adding to that any suppressed femininity inside you. Take an inside-to-outside approach and go about it gradually. I think if you can be real and don't worry about how to act, you won't have anything to worry about in the long run. You might not immediately seem like a woman to those around you, but that's probably for the best, anyway.

~ Lyric ~

[Bookworm]

I believe you are right lyric. I do need to be more of me and not some pretend woman. I know women come in all shapes and sizes. You hit in on the head to be honest. My friend said something along the lines of you are trying to act like a woman, and do be honest you are over compensating. There was more to the conversation, but some of the things she said got me thinking. I feel like a girl on the inside. Both you and my friend have been blunt and I needed to hear both of what you and her said. I do want to be more myself, and not some caricature as you put it. I feel like I touched a nerve and I am sorry. Thank you for being blunt lyric.

[Ltl89]

It's true that not all women are not overtly feminine, but I do believe some transwomen have difficulty allowing themselves to be girly if you will.  Having been bullied and teased through portions of my life, I have really withdrew myself socially and made it difficult for people to see the real me. Sometimes it's hard to let down my guard and to allow others to see my most vulnerable qualities.  While some trans people have always had the ability to act feminine comfortably, I always found myself fearful to allow myself to be detected or judged.  Did a lot of it still get through?  Yes.  Am I the best at convincing others that I'm "straight cis male"?  I sincerely doubt it.  Yet, the ability to feel comfortable being feminine without fear of getting mocked is tough for me.  Even though I view myself as a fairly feminine girl and wish to interact that way, I always get scared about rejection and getting laughed at.   As a result, I often resulted to putting on my robotic male persona and hiding myself away.  However, that has caused great unhappiness for me.  There is nothing wrong with being masculine, but that's not who I am or what I want to be viewed as.

So, I can really understand where you are coming from OP.  It sounds like you are going through something similar.  The best advice I can give you is to say to hell with others and be yourself.  You will find yourself becoming more comfortable the more you stop caring about others and start naturally expressing yourself.
Ignore the fear of judgement from others and it will come to you in time.  Just be who you are and act the way you want to. 

[kelly_aus]

I seem to have a somewhat relaxed attitude about this. I'm a woman, therefore anything I do is fine.

[kyh]

I seem to have a somewhat relaxed attitude about this. I'm a woman, therefore anything I do is fine.

Well said!

[JoanneB]

I spent better than 50 years trying to do everything and then some that "real men" are. Not allowing myself to expose the slightest hint of anything else for fear that my secret will be exposed. Pile a few tons of shame and guilt about being trans on top of that as even more incentive to be all things 'manly'.

In time, as I slowly shed the shame, became more accepting of myself, started rebuilding my self esteem, I began to be more expressive. Began to actually enjoy being inside my own skin. While still a work in process, much like the rest of me, I am loosing the forced 'Have-to' sterotpical male behaviours and grunting. In other words, becoming the real me

[spacial]

Some people are more assertive, for want of a better word. They seem to have the ability to, almost naturally take over and almost dominate any situation.

Like most, I've had times, moments, when I've sadi something or did something and someone stops, looks right at me and asks, 'Are you Gay?' I try not to get involved in that but they persist and such is their hold over the crowd that others within the group, all stop and wait for the answer.

I don't want to go there because I don't want to be a punch bag any more.

So, I stop saying anything. I learn not to comment, not to react, not to feel. I learn how to be male.

Except I'm not male.

I'm me, what ever joke whatever made me had in mind. This mess of a man.

Not a stereotype queer. Not a stereotype ->-bleeped-<-. Not a stereotype woman. Just me.

[suzifrommd]

I've been making an effort to make my mannerisms and speech patterns unmistakably female.

I agree with Lyric's point that we're not obligated to act like anyone but ourselves. But for me it's a passing thing - every feminine touch distracts people from the fact that I was not female sexed at birth, activating whatever individual prejudices they might have. Every typically male mannerism helps reawaken those prejudices so I try to avoid them.

It's hard for me. I'm not a kinesthetic person and do not naturally have an awareness of what my body and voice are doing. However, I've gotten myself into habits - holding my hands limp, allowing my voice to drift higher at the end of my sentences, keeping my elbows closer to my body, etc. I can now do these things without thinking about it, so I'm free to be more myself.

[spacial]

I should have added, I also completely agree with Lyric's point.

[Lyric]

Thankfully, we no longer live in a 1950s society in which  young women feel the need to conform to strict behavioral restrictions in order to be ladylike. Modern women have a much freer hand than they once did. The only real reason for ever doing that stuff was for the sake of men. Fashion models and movie stars still strut their stuff these days, but more often, I think, young women don't feel so bound by the need to conform.

Perhaps your goal should be to more to discard the artificial masculine behaviors you've that overlay your real self (assuming that is the case). I think once you do that you will seem naturally more feminine without seeming like a counterfeit feminine stereotype.

~ Lyric ~

[spacial]

Thankfully, we no longer live in a 1950s society in which  young women feel the need to conform to strict behavioral restrictions in order to be ladylike. Modern women have a much freer hand than they once did. The only real reason for ever doing that stuff was for the sake of men. Fashion models and movie stars still strut their stuff these days, but more often, I think, young women don't feel so bound by the need to conform.

Perhaps your goal should be to more to discard the artificial masculine behaviors you've that overlay your real self (assuming that is the case). I think once you do that you will seem naturally more feminine without seeming like a counterfeit feminine stereotype.

~ Lyric ~

Sadly, we continue to live in a society where young men are expected to conform. The scope for their self expressions continue to be guided by the demands of the regimental uniformity, which of course created the problem for women in the first place.

When I was 16, back in the early 70s, I spent a terrible period in psychiatric institutions. I was attacked, called antisocial, beaten, eventually forced to perform menial tasks, all to apparently teach me to be a man.

Males seemed to see me as an affirmation of their own manhood. Females were aggressive, violent and nasty.

The world is changing. At the same time as the need for large standing armies has been replaced by automated killing.

I wonder how much further the powers that be will allow this liberation to go? I find no surprise that the groups seeming most opposed to liberation, the religions which traditionally promoted war, are the most vociferous naysayers.

I am also not surprised that those societies which continue to refuse to tolerate male self expression are the same societies where automated warfare seems less likely to be available in the near future.

[Beth Andrea]

For myself, I never tried to "act like a woman." I just slowly stopped acting like a man, like what I'd been taught (or learned by observation).

Over time, the real me was able to come out, and now I'm actually pretty girlie in my stance, talking, hand movements, etc.

However I have thought about reverting from time to time...maybe wear some guy clothes, talking more manly (assertive, commanding)...naaaah! Hard to smile when I'm doing that kind of stuff. I like smiling! So, even though I occasionally think about it...I don't act on it.