DWT: Dating While Trans

[Joanna Dark]

So, I am very impulsive person and in my new found sense of happiness and confidence I decided to post an ad on Craigslist. I feel a little dirty cause it is Craigslist after all but I like that sense of ownership that Craigslist provides and I don't have to create a profile or anything. I have never dated online before. And I wasn't terribly good at dating pre-HRT. I have never asked a girl out.  I have gone out with a lot of women but they always asked me out. Or I was set up by a friend. I have prob dated like 10 women. And three men. Dating men always felt much more natural except with my only long term relationship. That felt natural.

My point is now that I posted an ad, what do I now? I didn't post a pic because I didn't want to put my image out there like that but obviously I will have to send one. I am passable so I think I am good. I did get sir'd last week but I was basically trying to pass as a guy so yeah. I mean I will not only be presenting as a girl (which I do anyway it's not like i have a choice) but also going out with a man. What do I wear? I only own one dress. I do have nice clothes as I'm a shopping addict but I feel like I should go all out and wear eyeliner and everything. And won't they want something? I ain't gonna put out on the first date. I'd kiss and stuff. I'm not a prude.

But part of me feels like I have this sinister ulterior motive. I won't lie I want to move out of my house as I am really sick of my mom saying stuff to me about how I look and everything and dress and it's annoying. So is it wrong that part of my motive for dating is to find a sweet enough guy that is finanically independent so maybe in like six months or so I could move in with him if everything went right. On one hand it seems sinister but OTOH it seems like something any other girl does especially in my position.

What does everyone think about that and also how have other girl's experiences on dating been, online or otherwise?

[Darkie]

Honey, you in no way shape or form should feel obligated to do ANY kind of sexual contact on a first date.  Kisses would even be too far for me personally.  I'm the kind of person who has to get close to someone before you are allowed to do such things.  If they get mad that you don't put out on a first date they probably aren't worth your time to be honest.

[Ltl89]

Joanna,

I can relate with the dating past.  I never really asked out girls, but have had girls interested in me.  Because that's not my cup of tea, I have always avoided dating.  While I could have dated men, finding a boyfriend has always been difficult since I am still living in boy mode.  Which sucks because I really want to have a boyfriend.

Dress how you usually dress.  Depending on where you go out, you shouldn't need to go all out.  It would be weird for you to pick out a nice fancy dress for a night out at the movies. It depends on the setting and everything.  Just make sure you look nice

Yeah, don't worry about not putting out on the first date.  That shouldn't be an issue unless you are dating a weird creepy pervert.  As darkie said, you are never obligated to have any sexual contact on the first or any date.  When you are comfortable you should proceed.  And don't let any guy try to force you into doing something you don't want!

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about meeting a prince who will take care of you and love you forever.  However, it's important to remain in reality.  You don't want to rush in with anyone until you are certain of the relationship .  If you are too impulsive, you could find yourself in a very unhappy situation.

Lastly, be careful on craigslist.  I'm sure there are nice men on the site, but you never know who you could meet.  Take safety precautions while you are out and make sure you notify people you are close with about where you are going and with who.   Online dating can be dangerous for all women, but it is even more risky for us.  Just be safe.

Good luck and have fun!

[Robyn]

First meeting should be in a very public place, probably for coffee.

Robyn

[Joanna Dark]

First meeting should be in a very public place, probably for coffee.

Robyn

Good idea.

Honey, you in no way shape or form should feel obligated to do ANY kind of sexual contact on a first date.  Kisses would even be too far for me personally.  I'm the kind of person who has to get close to someone before you are allowed to do such things.  If they get mad that you don't put out on a first date they probably aren't worth your time to be honest.

This is true and I guess when I was presenting male or androgynous some women would get quite mad at me that I wouldn't do anything on a first date. I have been hurt a lot and if I start making out with someone I tend to fall for them too fast so I just don't do it. But the thing is when going out with a girl they can't force themselves on me since even though I am not strong I am just as strong as them (not always) but with a guy I won't be as strong and even less so now. I guess I just have to be careful.

Well, my experiences with Craigslist have been okay. It's not a bad site, just have to filter out the weirdos :3

And I don't really think it's sinister to hope that you can meet a guy and move in with him. I just hope that you won't settle for less just because a guy offers to let you live with him; it wouldn't be fair to either of you.

This is very true! I do want to date the best possible guy I can and I don't want to fall into that trap that just because someone likes me that I should just go with it because I am trans and it is the best i will do. This is what I did in the only real relationship I have been in. She accepted me so I overlooked everything else. All the abuse, all the putdowns, everything.

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about meeting a prince who will take care of you and love you forever.  However, it's important to remain in reality.  You don't want to rush in with anyone until you are certain of the relationship .  If you are too impulsive, you could find yourself in a very unhappy situation.

The other thing is once I move out of my house there is no going back. So I want to go to grad school but that is still like a year and a half away and I just started studying like last week and have to take the GRE and all and apply to several schools. So that might not even work. I would wait awhile before I did anything like move in with a person though. I have had people want to me to move in with them before so this is why I think it is a viable option.

[Ltl89]

I understand how you feel, but would encourage you to not make any plans that would force you to rely on someone else.  While you may meet a great guy and be able to move in with him, you should plan on having a back up plan.  This is important because you don't want to settle for just anyone out of desperation. You want to be happy with the person you're with.  Once the relationship becomes a financial necessary, you may start to overlook your own happiness and personal desires.  However, if you make sure you aren't rushing in with someone, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Good luck with the GRE's.  I'm studying myself and hoping to get into a ph.d program for the fall of 2014.  So, I know how nerve racking it all can be.   

[Joanna Dark]

The main reason is I want to try to start dating is because I am not going to be young forever and I want to experience everything that I can while I still am young. And obviously I want a social life. I have friends but I am not really sure how much any of them want to hang out with me so much anymore. They seem to still want to but I have money problems right now so I can't anyway. I haven't gone out in like a month. Ugh. The last time I hung out with one of my guy friends too this woman commented that we made the cutest couple lol which he was like woah he is not my boyfriend and to which the lady replied "I didn't think she was but oh, um, uh, sorry." I thought it was funny and said thanks. Him not so much. But he hung out with me again the next night so I guess he didn't care that much. I look a lot more female now this was like a month into HRT.

But I also like to have high hopes and when I go out with someone I want to think that they possibly could be someone I might possibly spend the rest of my life with. I can't help that it is just something I do. It's not like I am super clingy but I am a hopeless romantic.

[Joanna Dark]

Well I did reply to some guy who seemed honest and sweet. He wanted pics so I sent them. I guess I'll see what happens. Prob nothing. TBH, I don't expect a reply. I also don't know what he expects. Some people may have this highly idealized image of a trans woman but I do apparently pass and guys seem to flirt with me. I have pretty obvious boobs so you never know.

But I want to start taking chances and I feel like half the reason I am transitioning is so I can date. The main reason is to make myself whole and I saw that movie "Silver Linings Playbook" and I really like Jennifer Lawrence in it and this seems like something she would do in it. And in the movie she is from Philly and I am from Philly so yeah.

I do kinda feel like the trans woman in The Crying Game. I remember seeing that when I was like 11 and I kinda always knew that I would be like her except that I tell people I am trans. I've known this for so so so long and I so wish I did something sooner but oh well at least I am doing something know and when I go to sleep tonight I can at least think today I came this much closer to making myself completely happy and getting everything I deserve and have always wanted instead of settling for nothing just to make other people happy.

I imagine though that dating will take a long time and I def shouldn't get my hopes up as I am a pretty sensitive and emotional person and need to remember that so I don't set myself up for depression. that would pretty much be the opposite of my goals.

I would also try to date women but that seems a lot harder for some reason.

[kyh]

Let us know if he responds! ^_^

[Ltl89]

Hoping it goes well with that guy.  If it doesn't, there are lots of other men out there.  Just have fun when you date and don't let yourself feel down if you meet some losers.  Eventually, you will meet someone that is right for you.  In the meantime, just have some fun and get to know some new guys.

I know how you feel about the loneliness and dating.  I never really dated in my life because of my situation and it sucks.  I guess dating before hormones and all is possible, but I know I don't pass and would feel too embarrassed.  And I think it would be deceptive to meet a guy in boy mode only to disclose latter that I'm transgender and transitioning.  Wish things were easier.

[Joanna Dark]

Thanks everyone!

Well I sent him pics and he still got back to me so I guess that's a good sign. I don't know what to say now and I never know what to say in these situations. Plus now I feel like I am fooling myself and I'm insane for even thinking I pass and probably should just wait a whole lot longer. But even then. It's just impossible to know if people read me as female or not unless they say something and I got sir'd the other day too so there is that. The bank teller thought i was a woman I think cause she was like "you're [name]" Uh, Really?" Then she was like okay I guess I see it. But I could just look different. I don't really think I pass tbh and really don't know what people are thinking. And that is a big deal cause I wouldn't have done this if I wasn't getting ma'amed but now I think I am regretting it. Obviously I don't have to do anything.

[kyh]

Thanks everyone!

Well I sent him pics and he still got back to me so I guess that's a good sign. I don't know what to say now and I never know what to say in these situations. Plus now I feel like I am fooling myself and I'm insane for even thinking I pass and probably should just wait a whole lot longer. But even then. It's just impossible to know if people read me as female or not unless they say something and I got sir'd the other day too so there is that. The bank teller thought i was a woman I think cause she was like "you're [name]" Uh, Really?" Then she was like okay I guess I see it. But I could just look different. I don't really think I pass tbh and really don't know what people are thinking. And that is a big deal cause I wouldn't have done this if I wasn't getting ma'amed but now I think I am regretting it. Obviously I don't have to do anything.

You seem to go back and forth from thinking you pass to thinking you don't pass. Slow down! ^_^ And think...

A beautiful girl like yourself? Not passing? Huh?  So you got sir'd once, once!

I've said enough! 

[Ltl89]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to.  However, it's okay to feel a little scared.  It's a big move to start dating after transitioning.  Of course you will feel a little nervous.  But it seems like you want to meet people and go out.  So, go out and do it!  Even if this guy doesn't work out, there are other guys out there.  Don't worry so much about passing right now.  Just have fun and be yourself.  As long as you keep yourself safe and go out to a public place, what is the worst that can happen?

By the way, from the few pictures I've seen of you, I would say you pass well.