70 days on HRT - mental changes

[warlockmaker]

I am a successful financier and work in a male dominated workplace that is exceptional conservative so what I am has been kept under covers for my whole life and is still undercover to this day. My brother was notorious gay and i felt that I had to carry the family's name.  I did what i consider is my duty and now after 3 marrages and 4 children I felt it was time to give to myself a chance to be me.I have financially well taken care of my exes and children so that they will never be wanting financially. I hope to engage them on this matter over the next year and i hope that they will be understanding and still come to me for advise and love.

So i started HRT and before that took a Testestorone blood test and found that my levels were quite high - 920. That didnt seem to bother the Endo nor the therapist. My first week I felt a tremendous sense of calm, (I was on vacation in a tropical island), and then I returned to work. Nothing initially changed but, about 7 week into HRT,  after a very stressful business negotiation and a very stressful meeting with my father of 91 who is in late stage Alzheimers/Dementia (diagnosed some 9 years ago) I had an anxiety attack. Now I am exceptionallt healthy both physically and mentally and this was only the 3 anxiety attack. I spoke about this with my therapist and he reassured me that the cause was not the HRT. Over the last few weeks I have self analysed myself and the situation is now much better but the stress is still there. Here is how I analyse this:

My perspective on life has changed and I feel much better about myself - though that was not lacking as a male. As a male I was considered to be intense, agressive,  full of life and enthausiasm and a very successful financier. I feel a distinct change in my agressiveness and and I'm not as intense  (in your face)- more relaxed person, I am still full of enthsusiasm. I do feel that I used to handle stress by putting into a box and closing the lid and addressing the issue when I can do something about it rather than worry and fret. I do FEEL that now this box lid is not fully closed and issue leak causing me to feel the tinges of stress. I know that I have a male dominated mind for over 50 years and I accept that I will have to change some of my mental wiring - has anyone had this problem.

Warlockmaker

[Heather]

Its normal estrogen does change the way you feel. I was never an aggressive person so I really don't know if that goes away but I imagine it does. The hardest part of hrt I've found is feeling real emotions for the first time ever! It can be overwhelming at first and it takes time but I really don't know how I lived before. I love being an emotional being instead of a emotional robot. But what your feeling is normal and just the tip of the iceberg your going to discover a whole new world of emotions. 

[warlockmaker]

Thank you. Yes I am experiencig a full range of emotions that as a male I either supressed or was oblivious to it. You are right men can be very arrogant and have great ability to rationalize their behavior for their own peace of mind. Despite it all, even as a male i cried at movies in happiness and sadness. Now its slightly more but not out of wack. This is all in my mind and I know how to be patient - learn, and engage in this new path. I,m happy yet anxious. Thank you again

[Cindy]

I had low T to start with which went to <1 in weeks after HT.

My emotions now are very feminine, which is no weakness BTW, I still run 30 odd staff and a number of PhD students, so weak ain't part of my job. If anything I'm more assertive, but not aggressive.

I thoroughly enjoy my new perspective on life, I'm fully hormonally transitioned and FT for a year or so. I've had few problems and what problems I have had are very minor.

But life is wonderful.

I hope you have the same joy.

Hugs
Cindy



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[Rachel]

You have a lot of things going on in your life. Putting things in a full box may be the issue.

[warlockmaker]

Thank you for sharing your story. Yes you are right - running the business has not been affected - in some ways a new perspective has emerged and my enthuism has returned in what I considered to be tedious and boring before. That been wonderful.

I only have one area that is bothering me and that is my stress management. I used to handle huge stress without much difficulty and never had an anxiety attack before. Its a new experience and has giiven me a great new perspective into the new emotions. I believe I'm learing to manage this as a female and I am relieved to hear that this is not unususl.

I do finally feel the feminine side of me shedding all the years of a false male ego.

Thank you for your advise